Black hearts and White knights

[Chasing_Ghosts]

So i get the whole process of splitting. A coping mechanism as BPDs cant see shades of grey. Once they split you black for the first time its never the same even when youre white again as ive experienced. Almost like painting a fence that was once black you can always see the speckles of black and as time fades/chips the paints coat... the speckles become larger splotches till eventually black consumes the fence once again. So once this split happens is it game over for a LTR and were only seen as a spare for recycle attempts? Or is there anyway to reverse this?

[Rise]

So once this split happens is it game over for a LTR and were only seen as a spare for recycle attempts? Or is there anyway to reverse this?

Game over for a LTR? I wouldn't necessarily say it's game over. I'm probably not the best person to give advice on LTRs, as I wasn't able to make mine work, but there are those on the staying boards that are doing their best. You may want to check it out over there to try and get an idea of what to expect. Realistically, it's going to come down to what type of relationship you want, and what you want out of it.

Reverse it? No. Once that honeymoon period is gone, it's gone.

[sweetheart]

Hello Chasing_Ghosts,

No not necessarily game over for a LTR. I am married my h is dBPD, we are well and truly out of the honeymoon phase, and are fully in the arena of BPD.

I have been split black many, many times and for me I accept (difficult initially ) it for what it is and no longer take it personally because I know it has absolutely nothing to do with me. For us in our relationship so far, splitting occurs as part of my dBPDh escalation toward major dysregulation. So I know when this happens it is best to leave him be, sometimes that means removing myself physically.

My husband and I have never split up or recycled, but once out of the idealisation phase, splitting is a part of the disorder. For me understanding, acceptance and learning mean that I have been able to adapt and change my behaviour when splitting occurs.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

@Rise. Yea i too am failing at the moment at keeping us together as she split me once again in record time after a few weeks. I just dont know if i should move on or keep trying because at this point i feel like itll never go back to the way it was... not after all that has happened. But part of me still wants to try and salvage whatever we do have left as she is the love of my life which lets me see past the disorder. I feel like im at the fallout and were either going to survive or slowly drift away.

@sweetheart. Wow it truly gives me hope to see that marriages can function even with the disorder. Its seems to be alot of us nons learning to cope and not take personally their behaviors when they occur as you similarly sated. Im trying to learn more to adapt and manage the trials of BPD. The odd thing is when she splits me its for weeks or months. Never just a day or two anymore like it was as we dont live together anymore. This is what im hoping to fix as it drives me insane when i dont hear from her for weeks. This is why she broke up with me the last time i believe as i checked up on her after two weeks. She told me not to and i know its breaking boundaries but i worry when shes not responding to any texts or calls... maybe its something i need to work through to not take personally its just hard because i miss her as well. But the root of the splitting is definitely her fear of intimacy because it was a few weeks after we had a deep conversation where her walls came down. Then slowly after started to drift away. Then breaks up and suggests to be friends as to set the relationship back at a comft place. I think shes also holding onto an argument we had where i said some things out of hurt as she never truly acknowledges the pain she cause me so it builds up and sometimes i burst another thing i need to work on... but i did apologize... i hope she can let it go in time.



Ill definitely check out the staying board though ill just re-post this topic see what they have to say.

[Xstaticaddict]

But part of me still wants to try and salvage whatever we do have left as she is the love of my life which lets me see past the disorder.

I've been fighting this feeling for 9 months now, and I'm starting to understand that looking past the disorder was why i didn't leave much much sooner and find a partner that could actually accept and give love. Luckily mine was a really solid split with NC which gave me no choice but to turn the gaze inward and figure out why i don't have the self love and survival instinct to let go of people that treat themselves and me poorly (family included)

Never turn a blind eye to BPD.

Sorry you're having such a hard time with your relationship. I want nothing to do with my ex now that i actually have a sense of calm back in my life, but i feel the pull to reconnect with her and help her get better every single day.