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willy45
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« on: September 06, 2014, 08:21:56 PM » |
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I'm writing this so I don't send it to my ex.
Dear CrazyEyes,
I'm writing this to you so I can have some of my own closure. I too did not like how things were left when we spoke and I don't think it is fair that you get to say whatever you want and any response I give gets blown off.
Over the past two years, I have been working so hard to detach. When I left, I left for a reason. It wasn't because I didn't love you. It wasn't because I didn't think we would grow old together. It wasn't because I didn't love you with every ounce of my being. I left you because you kept crossing my boundaries. All the time. You would flirt with other people constantly. Hide things from me. And rage at me. I could deal with the flirting and hiding. But the raging wore me down. You would rage at me in the middle of the night when I was sleeping. You would rage at me for needing to go pee. You would rage at me for not loving a movie. Rage after rage just wore me down.
And you told me that the rage was because I didn't move in with you. So, I called your bluff. I got rid of my apartment. I started to move my stuff down. And that weekend was the worst rage I had ever experienced. You looked at me like you hated me. You raged at me for three days straight. Calling me all kinds of names. And that really, really hurt me. Although I loved you, I knew I had to leave. It was destroying me.
Over the past two years, I have done so much work to be better. I have worked really, really hard. And I have accomplished some amazing things. Things I never knew were even possible for me to do. But it was work. And I did a lot of work on myself too. To learn how to work on guarding my boundaries. To learn about how to release the pain I had.
I know I did things wrong. I know it. And I feel horrible about them. I know now how it impacted you. And I truly feel terrible about it.
I guess a part of me, deep down, really still believes in the fantasy that we can be together again. That you are calling me to tell me that you have done some work and looked inside and understand your part in everything falling apart. And more. That you feel solid enough and understand enough to feel confident that you can try again. And that you can believe in me enough to believe the same of me.
That is the part of me that gets stuck when you call. For the most part, I have been able to overcome all this. I have risen above it. And I have had times when I don't even think of you anymore. I feel good. I feel relief that it is over.
It is during these times that you have always, always called. It is like you know I am breaking free and feeling good. Feeling capable of moving forward in life on my own. Somehow you seem to know or feel it. And you call. And call. And call.
When you do, you tell me things that I just don't believe you would tell a friend. Maybe they are just words to you. You blurt them out but they don't carry any meaning. Or maybe you don't think they affect me. But you call and tell me how much you miss me, how you will never find anyone who understands you like I do, how I am your soul mate, how we are so connected, how you love me. You email me and tell me that you compared me to your ex boyfriend every single day and how he never lived up to me. How you didn't have the same passion, synergy, love.
You tell me all these things. And then you tell me you just want to be friends.
For me, I hear all these things you miss. And I start to think... .Oh, maybe there is a chance. Maybe you do think the same way I do. Maybe you do think the same things as me. Maybe you do want to try again. Maybe you do think it is worth the effort and worth the work.
And against my better judgement, I fall back into love with you. And then the agony of having to grieve the loss, again.
I have asked you not to contact me so many times. I have told you how much it hurts me.
Yet, you do it anyways. Over and over again. And like a complete idiot, I fall for it, over and over again.
The thing I want more than anything in the world, is to live without you in my mind or in my life. If I could have anything, that would be it. To erase you from my head, both the good and the terrible. I would be stronger to see the way you use guilt and shame to manipulate me. I would be stronger to see how you used sex to capture me when you knew I was pulling away from your raging. I wouldn't feel 'love' for you anymore. I don't even think it is love at this point. I don't know what it is. I think it is that you hurt me so much and you continue to hurt me. And it is disorienting to me to feel so much hurt, still. It is disorienting that I let someone hurt me over and over and over again. And I let someone who I have explicitly told that they hurt me with their behaviours back into my life and into my heart. That makes me the complete and utter idiot.
Anyhow, blah.
I hope some scientists can invent a drug to erase you from my mind. That would be great.
Willy
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