Well, I think I may have snapped... This was the skype I sent him.

[misuniadziubek]

After I wrote him a message saying that I missed him. Our fight, I suppose, was about me coming up to see him (2 hr trip) but only for a day and a half because I ended up having to go to a bachelorette party.

His disappointment has been from

1) Not seeing me often enough (every weekend, except I'm the bridesmaid for a wedding, so I had to leave for Michigan for two weekends after a year of consistent weekend visits.

2)Me being late. I tell him I'll be there by 6, turns out I still have to go to bank beforehand, or traffic at the border is too intense, or I need gas, so I am 10-30 minutes late. Unacceptable. Very strong reaction. Only way to avoid it is if I tell him soon enough and it's actually not my fault.

3) Not staying long enough. I come up on Friday, and sometimes I have somehting to do on sunday so leave in the afternoon. This implies I have no control over my life.

4) Not having a steady job, thus no control over life, thus teenager mentality even if I'm 26, especially because live with parents.

He wrote back that he doesn't care. That I've disappointed him so many times at this point. He just closes off completely and becomes indifferent,"because of constant disappointment and having to go numb not to get hurt on another's failures and oversights and lack of concern."

BF: It's because of that. When it constantly happens, I protect myself by not caring. Apathy is Godliness.

Me : cause you can't handle it

Me:  your threshold for it is so low that barely anyone can do enough to avoid it

BF: I miss you like crazy, then you pull some ___ that leaves me with a sickened feeling and a bad taste in my mouth. It's a constant circus with a clown like you and you constantly have a new act, just when I'd thought I've seen it all. And it's always more heinous than the last.

Me: I cant spend all my life trying to walk on eggshells for you, in case i disappoint you.i can only do things, see that they don't work, and then try to fix them

BF:: Well by that note, our threshold for arsenic is also relatively low.

Me:: this isn't arsenic though

BF:But over time, you can run a lot through you without dying.

Me: this is something that happens a LOT ... .in life. it's something most people learn to cope with.you avoid it like the plague

BF: If it's constant and such high dosage, all at once from one place: you're gonna give up.

BF: NO. This ISN'T life.This is you.

Me: it is [Name]

BF: Don't try to excuse your bull___.

Me: it is life... .dealing with people who aren't goin gto do everything you want

BF: You're actually right.

BF: This is life.And we should break up.

BF Because if people constantly don't do what you want

BF: then it's time to change those people

BF:You're right.

BF:This is life.

ME: yeah but relationships arent about having someone do everything youwant

BF: You're such a ___. Goodbye

ME: and you will NEVER find someone who will do everything you want

ME: okay bye

BF: when you stop thinking disappointing me is just a result of 'not doing what I want'. when you think that's constantly okay. you really are suuuuch a ___.

ME: i dont think its okay

BF: at that point. it's really not even worth trying.no

BF: keep your ___ing excuses. think about your ___

Me: i have, a lot in fact. 

BF: if you realize why that's wrong

BF: get back to me

ME: according to you

ME: how do you know your way of thinking is the right one? just because you decided thats how its supposed to be?so everyone in your life is supposed to march by the beat of your drum ? otherwise, gtfo?did you ever think that maybe your thinking is skewed? towards protecting yourself?

BF: Well maybe don't be a ___.

BF: If you constantly fail

BF: And constantly intentionally dissapoint me

BF: And don't say its not intentional

Me:: and that you lay on such a low threshold of what you will take

BF: Accidents are things you can't control. If you're not walking the same path going the same way I am,It's pointless.

ME: yeah [name], you know, its totally intentional... .i choose to be in relationships with people just to hurt them

BF:: Think about what you're saying you ___

Me:  i do

BF: And if you realize why that's a ___ thing to say

BF: Get back to me

ME: but you try to strengthen your argment by calling me names. all that shows is that you are angry

BF: Otherwise this is pointless and let me know so we can say our goodbyes.

At this point I sort of snapped. I'm really sleep deprived... .

im suppose to realise the wrong in my ways

... .because you deemed them wrong

so the moment i start thinking JUST Like you... according to YOUR rules

then things will be peaceful between us

BULLSHT

im not going to live my life worried im gonna step on an eggshell... .which will set you off again

on a rampage about how useless i am, how much ive fu**ed up your life

NO! i take responsibility for my actions, even when its uncomfrotable. I hope for the best but Im aware i wont get the best all the time... .and i deal with it

i learn from it and move on

you... .blame others for your own actions

because you are acting according to YOUR rules of life

and other people's normal is your trigger

other people's "accidents" and mistakes are just proof that they cant live by your own rules

and so they are not deemed worthy to stay in your life

those sorts of ultimatums? that sort of confirmational bias?

its black and white thinking... it's being inflexible. It's lack of patience... .

there is NOTHING i can actally genuinely do to fix that for you [name]...

there is no way of acting that will make things easier for you

i can work on myself, i can fix my flawed thinking, i can open myself up to the idea of my imperfections and admit to them

you don't... .and you might never do it. you will never genuinely admit responsibility to anything, you do blame other people. you get defensive and you flip out, and there's literally nothing i will ever be able to do to get through to you

to really show you just exactly how much i actually care, just how much i actually try, just how far im willing to go to fix things ... .

it won't make a difference, because your rules will continuously be impossible to abide by... .and id rather focus on having a healthy self esteem and not hate myself

ive gone out of my way to understand you, to make you feel less anxious... .ive done so many things, sometimes at the sacrifice of my own well being and happiness... .and thats not fair... .that's very much unreciprocated unconditional love... .ive treated you like a part of me. Ive worked so hard on myself to even make things a LITTLE bit easier for you, but it's never going to be enough [name].

NOthing I change will ever fix anything. You will continue to get defensive and angry, and blame me for everything.

You're not a monster [name], you're not my enemy, and I don't need to protect myself from you. But no matter how much I fix my life, I can't change to be what you want, because what you want is pretty much... .an obedient dog. Someone who will cling to you.

and even if you had that, it still would never be enough.

I'm sorry you are lonely, I'm sorry you miss affection when I'm not around. I'm sorry things are so difficult for you in every one of your relationships. I'm sorry you can't see, or maybe just can't handle that you are partially at fault for it. I can't fix that.

I could be the most reliable person in the world, i could keep every promise I made (I should anyways)... I could be self-sufficient and mature. And you still wouldn't be happy [Name]. You would still struggle with the same issues over and over again.

I've fu**ed up in more ways than one. I wasn't capable of coming to terms with it. That all of it was my fault. But I have. I take responsibility for everything that I've ever caused, every consequence. But you? your numbness, your need to protect yourself? that's something unique to you. It's not something that I deal with unless you really push me over the edge. And I have a high threshold. And I still confront it.

And I hurt in seeing you like that. Because I know I can't do anything to help you.  Because I know how hard it is for you. Because i f****g love you too damn much.    I've done as much as I was capable of. I can't be your scapegoat anymore.

I didn't handle things as well as I could have, but I got emotional. I've regained my self-esteem, social life, goals, ambitions and sense of identity in the last month or two. It's had both positive and negative effects on our relationship, but he doesn't believe I've "changed".

[misuniadziubek]

He got so passive agressive that he then went on my facebook to post a picture that he felt I would find offensive about anti-vaccine propaganda.

I don't know if I really want to be with someone so childish.

[enlighten me]

I have to admit it felt good reading that.

Who here hasn't wanted to vent something like that to their BPD.

[misuniadziubek]

I have to admit it felt good reading that.

Who here hasn't wanted to vent something like that to their BPD.

As I said, I'm tired. He has ignored me so far, so I think i'm going to leave it at that. When he's ready, he'll talk to me, or accuse me of the same stuff again. Idk. I'd love to see him soon, so I'm hoping he isn't actually ready to break up, because I enjoy spending time with him and chatting about stuff. He also told me  last night that he's wondering if the only reason he's with me is because I provide him with routine good sex, whereas sex is meaningless, empty but fun. We do have incredible sex, but I know it's not why he's with me. Otherwise he would finish things for good. I know him well enough for that.


So frustrating, but I think I'm okay. I need sleep.

[misuniadziubek]

He served me up with this response:

BF: you're just mad because you have consequences to your failure. Why should I bother hurting for someone like you? Someone that doesn't even try half of the time, and the other half can't succeed anyways?

BF: i still love you no matter what.

BF: But I let go of wanting to be with you.

BF: and liking you.

BF: It's just like my ex.

BF: I still want the best for you, just as  I did her.

But when you do that sort of ___, I don't want to be with you. Unconditional love is stupid.

The only place unconditional love belongs is in a place where there is trust and trust is worthy.

Or in cases where one is incompetent of making decisions (children/ill)

otherwise all it does is be abused.

If I gave you this 'unconditional love' you're claiming I should

you'd never stop your bull___

you'd still show up late everywhere

even more than you do now

you'd still walk all over and disrespect me

you'd just do it all even more.

i don't know if you realize it

but I don't trust you

because you're not trustwrothy.

YOu're incapable.

Sigh. I'm just... .so tired. This broke me into pieces bit by bit because exhaustion makes me emotional. I don't even know what to say anymore.

[enlighten me]

My exgf used to go on about trust and not trusting me. I hadn't done anything for her not to trust me in my eyes but after learning about BPD I realised that they take everything literally at times. I may have been a few minutes late every now and again or not called when I said I would because work was busy which to me wasn't a big issue as I always turned up and eventually called. I now realise to my exgf that these were broken promises and how can you trust someone who breaks promises.

[Suspicious1]

Oh my, reading that exchange is a LOT like reading the old messages my ex used to send me when he split me black. They are jaw-droppingly cruel, disrespectful and abusive. And there is NO use using logic when that's the response you get. You could take each and every accusation he's throwing at you there and prove exactly why it's not true, but he'll just carry on talking like you said nothing. Mine gave me the whole "I can't trust you" line as well as the litany of all the things that were wrong with me.

Totally unjustified, hurtful and useless to try to defend against. I feel for you, I know how hopeless those exchanges make a person feel and I'm astonished that it's so similar to the stuff I got from my ex. I guess if you go quiet he'll just get on a roll and keep sending through similar messages?

[misuniadziubek]

He will keep sending messages but the lack of response from me will eventually turn to him to trying to provoke me.

"Nothing? You have nothing to say? No response? I guess you just simply don't care enough to respond. "

He kept me up until 5am yelling at me over my "irresponsibility" because I decided to leave to go to a bachelorette party for someone who is important to me. Not telling him two weeks in advance is failure on my part. It means we will probably break up. He's broken up with me 15-20 times with me, telling me we are probably done... .But never officially. Hed still come up to see me anyways. He'd still text about weekend plans.

[misuniadziubek]

I think the probably done is just his way to try to manipulate me and express that the failure of the relationship is my fault. At this point, I'm numb to those words. I want to simply say, yeah probably we are. Not because I want to break up, but rather because I'm tired of the yoyoing.

[thereishope]

I think the probably done is just his way to try to manipulate me and express that the failure of the relationship is my fault. At this point, I'm numb to those words. I want to simply say, yeah probably we are. Not because I want to break up, but rather because I'm tired of the yoyoing.

Oh my goodness... .Reading your posts, including the Skype conversation... .My jaw actually did drop while reading it... .I'm so sorry you are experiencing this... .I honestly could have written and have experienced and heard THE SAME EXACT WORDS, and THINKING from my uBPDh! Exactly... .and I'm not just saying it.  They are CONVINCED of what they believe, and NO MATTER HOW MUCH OF OUR SOUL WE POUR INTO CONVINCING THEM WE ARE NOT THE CRUEL, IRRESPONSIBLE, IMMATURE, EVIL BIT&^%S THEY ACCUSE US OF BEING, and as we hover over their needs moment by moment, day by day, with the ABSOLUTE BEST POSSIBLE INTENTIONS of loving them in the way that speaks to them most... ., the FACT is... ., if they THINK it, it is TRUTH to them.  Our truth and our sincere, heart-felt reality DOES NOT EXIST in their minds when they are splitting black and devaluing us.