To walk on egg shells or not?

[KBwife]

My husband doesn't know he has BPD, because our marriage counselor (who told me that that is what is going on) doesn't think he's ready to hear it.  He would probably react by thinking that he's an awful, broken person and spiraling to a bad place.  But we do 100% fine and he seems totally happy as long as I never express any complaint or hurt feelings or say anything that might lead him to think he's not completely perfect at everything all the time.  He clearly sees me as the problem, since the only time things are bad is when I express such a complaint.  But I don't think I can walk on egg shells forever, it's not healthy, it's my instinct to be honest.  Do you walk on egg shells to avoid causing an episode or do you use those episodes as an opportunity to work on healing?  How do you handle the day to day stuff?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi KB,

My reactions depend on my bf's moods.  If he is acting irrational and unstable, I tend to pacify him and wait until he calms down, then objectively talk to him. Other times, I can actually talk to him right away.  I can recognize my bf's triggers and patterns of behavior, almost better than he can.   It really does get mentally exhausting appeasing pwBPD. On the other hand, if you constantly keep validating them, your needs are not being met.   It is a classic example of a "catch 22."

[KBwife]

That's totally it, the catch 22, the dance between keeping him happy and stable while still meeting my needs.  I have not at all figured it out yet.

[EaglesJuju]

KB,

My best advice is to be calm and learn his behaviors and triggers.  Also, learning effective communication tools is important. I know it is instinctual to argue with someone, who is being so illogical.   Arguing with can precipitate a bad situation into a horrible one. I know it sounds like we are invalidating ourselves, but we are the emotional caretakers. Fulfilling this role, we have to be logical, when they are illogical. There is a balance between validating ourselves and validating our S/O.  Essentially, they have "child-like" emotions, while trapped in an adult body.  We are the ones who need to have a "tougher skin."

[takingandsending]

Hi KB. 

My situation with my uBPDw mirrors that with your husband. Our MC advised me of the BPD in a separate session, gave me a bunch of resources and suggested that I read/and do the work withing the Stop Walking On Eggshells workbook. Eventually, I came to this website.

A few questions. Have you spoken with your MC to get a better understanding of the basis for his/her diagnosis? As this is a spectrum disease, did you ask where within the spectrum he may fall, i.e. is this very entrenched, 9 out of 9 indicators, etc.? Did you ask about possible treatments for him that she may be able to subtly suggest during MC?

The advice by Eagles is very good. If you haven't done so already, reading the Lessons to the right of this page is a great starting point. The communication tools presented are meant not as a method of walking on eggshells better (i.e. more effectively) but as a way to make a relationship with a pwBPD workable. Being blamed for everything and never expressing the truth of your experience is not workable nor sustainable.

Now, for the last part of your questions, can dysregulation episodes become an opportunity for healing? In my experience, the answer is a qualified "no". You can (and I encourage you to) work on your own healing and personal growth in these situations. But there is little that you can do to make your husband choose healing. The truth of this illness is that recovery (and some have even spoken of remission) is possible if the pwBPD is making a concentrated effort at healing, but often, this is not the case and the chances of recovery are remote. My wife is receiving EMDR therapy, we go to an MC, she has a life/emotion coach. And there is not much change. The bulk of improvements have come from my choices in reducing the conflict in our house. The one thing I have learned is that healing comes in forms and at times that I did not expect, and mainly it has centered on dealing with my own baggage I brought into this relationship.

Please let us know what you think of the Lessons and any questions that you may have. I am about 3 months in to applying and learning the lessons here. Things are getting a little better. I am feeling like I have more understanding and awareness and strength to act inside of my convictions, with the qualification that, like in any RS, I have to choose what to be strong about and what I can let go.

Thank you for sharing your story and joining our family.