How do you feel about women?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Has your rs changed how you view women?

I had quite a few woman friends before. I really appreciated my friends and loved the opposite sex. Now? I keep my female friends away. I am suspicious of their motives. I only hang out with guy friends. I have become distant and set boundaries to most women in my life. Also women more generally when they come and talk to me. I am fearful, cagey and even aggressive.

[freedom33]

Has your rs changed how you view women?

I had quite a few woman friends before. I really appreciated my friends and loved the opposite sex. Now? I keep my female friends away. I am suspicious of their motives. I only hang out with guy friends. I have become distant and set boundaries to most women in my life. Also women more generally when they come and talk to me. I am fearful, cagey and even aggressive.

[Infern0]

I try to keep an open mind.

I've learned a LOT about how the female mind works though. I find most women pretty easy to figure out now whereas before they were like a mystery.  After being with a BPD,  the simple games normal women play just don't work on me now.  

Get their attention,  DENY them narcissistic supply and watch them chase you for it, if you look half decent and have the ability to put on a bit of an act it's easy

I have learned a lot about society though and I don't like how it's going. This is becoming a shallow world we live in,  we have a generation of females and males tbh with no identity or values.  

Sleep around,  drink,  post on instagram all day,  be materialistic,  embrace narcissistic values,  persue "bad boys" so you can have an abusive relationship.

What happened to values,  dignity,  self respect?  

Welcome to the world where most young women think the only value they have is their looks,  and Kim Kardashian is a role model.

I'm not sure where I fit in tbh, cursed with a brain that functions too well, I think I was born about 100 years too late.

[BorisAcusio]

Welcome to the world where most young women think the only value they have is their looks,  and Kim Kardashian is a role model.

I'm not sure where I fit in tbh, cursed with a brain that functions too well, I think I was born about 100 years too late.

It was better when Marilyn Monroe was the role model or would you rather live in the victorian age with all the hypocrisy? Human nature does not change. There are just as many decent people out there as it was 100 years ago.

[Infern0]

Welcome to the world where most young women think the only value they have is their looks,  and Kim Kardashian is a role model.

I'm not sure where I fit in tbh, cursed with a brain that functions too well, I think I was born about 100 years too late.

It was better when Marilyn Monroe was the role model or would you rather live in the victorian age with all the hypocrisy? Human nature does not change. There are just as many decent people out there as it was 100 years ago.

That might be true but if it is I don't know where to find them.

Materialism is at its absolute peak right now.

It didn't bother me before but it's like looking through a different lens now. I guess the only thing to do is learn to play the game

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Only a small percentage have the personality disorder. There are many ladies out there who despise games and appreciate loyalty and respect.  There is nothing wrong with being single in this life - but I still want to share this life with another.

[BorisAcusio]

Welcome to the world where most young women think the only value they have is their looks,  and Kim Kardashian is a role model.

I'm not sure where I fit in tbh, cursed with a brain that functions too well, I think I was born about 100 years too late.

It was better when Marilyn Monroe was the role model or would you rather live in the victorian age with all the hypocrisy? Human nature does not change. There are just as many decent people out there as it was 100 years ago.

That might be true but if it is I don't know where to find them.

Materialism is at its absolute peak right now.

It didn't bother me before but it's like looking through a different lens now. I guess the only thing to do is learn to play the game

You have your truth. There is a tendency to develop Cluster B disorders as a consequence of the societal changes of the last 70 years or so but we're talking about 5-8 percent of the population.

[Infared]

Has your rs changed how you view women?

I had quite a few woman friends before. I really appreciated my friends and loved the opposite sex. Now? I keep my female friends away. I am suspicious of their motives. I only hang out with guy friends. I have become distant and set boundaries to most women in my life. Also women more generally when they come and talk to me. I am fearful, cagey and even aggressive.

Unfortunately, I feel so damaged from my experiences that I stay away from women entirely. I feel that it is the only way that I can experience peace and serenity in my life. It is the choice that I needed to make for me.

[freedom33]

Welcome to the world where most young women think the only value they have is their looks,  and Kim Kardashian is a role model.

I'm not sure where I fit in tbh, cursed with a brain that functions too well, I think I was born about 100 years too late.

It was better when Marilyn Monroe was the role model or would you rather live in the victorian age with all the hypocrisy? Human nature does not change. There are just as many decent people out there as it was 100 years ago.

I agree that human nature doesn't change and the borderline phenomenon is not new. It was always around. Look at damsel in distress fairy tales. This is not a philosophical thread though. I am repeating the question. How has the rs changed you?

Ps - Funnily enough Marilyn was borderline

[camuse]

I try to keep an open mind.

I've learned a LOT about how the female mind works though. I find most women pretty easy to figure out now whereas before they were like a mystery.  After being with a BPD,  the simple games normal women play just don't work on me now.  

Get their attention,  DENY them narcissistic supply and watch them chase you for it, if you look half decent and have the ability to put on a bit of an act it's easy

I have learned a lot about society though and I don't like how it's going. This is becoming a shallow world we live in,  we have a generation of females and males tbh with no identity or values.  

Sleep around,  drink,  post on instagram all day,  be materialistic,  embrace narcissistic values,  persue "bad boys" so you can have an abusive relationship.

What happened to values,  dignity,  self respect?  

Welcome to the world where most young women think the only value they have is their looks,  and Kim Kardashian is a role model.

I'm not sure where I fit in tbh, cursed with a brain that functions too well, I think I was born about 100 years too late.

not all women are like this, I have friends who simply want a nice bloke and a quiet life together. But I agree it's common, a lot of women are like this. Just avoid them. There are plenty who value the same things as you.

[tim_tom]

Friendship is fine, any kind of romantic interest brings a parade of PTSD like symptoms.

It's fun!. The BPD relationship keeps on giving

[tim_tom]

I try to keep an open mind.

I've learned a LOT about how the female mind works though. I find most women pretty easy to figure out now whereas before they were like a mystery.  After being with a BPD,  the simple games normal women play just don't work on me now.  

Get their attention,  DENY them narcissistic supply and watch them chase you for it, if you look half decent and have the ability to put on a bit of an act it's easy

I have learned a lot about society though and I don't like how it's going. This is becoming a shallow world we live in,  we have a generation of females and males tbh with no identity or values.  

Sleep around,  drink,  post on instagram all day,  be materialistic,  embrace narcissistic values,  persue "bad boys" so you can have an abusive relationship.

What happened to values,  dignity,  self respect?  

Welcome to the world where most young women think the only value they have is their looks,  and Kim Kardashian is a role model.

I'm not sure where I fit in tbh, cursed with a brain that functions too well, I think I was born about 100 years too late.

Rome at the end of the empire...

it's a sad state of affairs, for sure

[Sstepdad]

I think your suffering from PTSD  25 years ago I was in a relationship with someone I suspect had BPD for 5 years, it took a while to not have certain triggers set off after we broke up, I did not see what craziness she had put me though while living it.

My normal wife has no issues with me talking with and having female friends, it took a while to get used to not getting accused of having an affair because I took 20 minutes longer coming home from work.

[Blimblam]

Carl Jung has a theory on the concept of the anima which is how we identify with the feminine aspects of the self. With our exs we identified the damsel in distress and she became our own inner anima objectified and we projected that part of our self onto her.  This was a reflection of rescuing the parts of our own self that we externalized. When we got really hurt and traumatized in our relationships we naturally developed trust issues with our anima as a reflection of the relationship itself.

As we come to form a healthy relationship with our own anima and work through our own issues this will be reflected in our relationships with women as well.

[Rifka]

Freedom,

I am a woman and I definitely am a straight shooter, not needy, don't play mind games, don't jump from man to man and have loads of male friends.

I'm sorry so many of you are looking at women in a negative and strong tone.

I think it's more the needy personalities and types of women that you might look for to save that get you in this bind.

So many here have said that you found this beautiful, needy girl to save.

Maybe a cute or average, independent one that isn't a train wreck in mental problems would be a better match.

My exBPDbf is male.

I can't judge all men like him. I don't even think I ever met a borderline before him!

I am easing back into the dating world with extreme caution, but how could I judge all men from my ex? It was just him! He has the disorder!

My red flag alert is firmly in my brain right now, but I don't look at men as the sex as something to avoid. I just listen better and my brain says stay, walk away, or just run fast

There are great women and great men out there.

Arm candy can have a huge price to pay!

[Nomad1027]

I agree that human nature doesn't change and the borderline phenomenon is not new. It was always around. Look at damsel in distress fairy tales. This is not a philosophical thread though. I am repeating the question. How has the rs changed you?

Ps - Funnily enough Marilyn was borderline

I actually enjoy the company of women just as much as I did before my r/s.  In that respect things have not changed.

As far as romantic relationships go, I have met one or two women that are interesting, but I have not pursued anything with them.  After the r/s was over I craved a woman's company, trying to fill the void left by my UxBPDgf.  However, with time, that desire has lessened.  What I have come to realize, however, is that I am not really in a place in my life to pursue romantic interests.  I need to do some real healing and focus on my issues so that I do not repeat this experience again.  Life is difficuly enough without getting lost in your SO's issues. 

[Bak86]

I've met a couple of women since our breakup and they made me realize what a nut job my ex was. It was an eye opener.

And i don't really believe in male/female friendships, so i don't really have any female friends, merely acquaintances.

[purpleavocado]

To be fair, I am also a woman... .but I date women so I guess I can answer? I'll just say for the first time in many years I thought after the breakup that maybe I should give heterosexuality a try. Obviously I can't change my sexual orientation but for months after the breakup I sure wished I could. It was like being a teenager in denial all over again.

But I agree with Bak... you just have to meet a few good ones for it to really hit home how nutty the BPD exes are.

[Infared]

Friendship is fine, any kind of romantic interest brings a parade of PTSD like symptoms.

It's fun!. The BPD relationship keeps on giving

Ditto for me. I just do not need that kind of anxiety in my life any more.  If you told me that this is where life was headed for me I would NEVER have believed you. Never.

[mywifecrazy]

There has to be a lot of healthy women out there that feel the same as you do. Heck they are on these boards suffering from the same thing we men are. They must be wondering if there are any REAL men out there based on their bad experiences with their xBPDh/bf.

I do know how you feel though. You are emotionally NUMB from your experience. It takes time and working on your recovery to start feeling again. I'm just starting to FEEL again.  I actually went on (2) dates    this weekend and both women were intelligent and charming and HEALTHY . We shared similar experiences in our divorces. I'm not ready to get into anything serious but it was nice to be with the opposite sex for some adult time (don't take that the wrong way  ) give yourself time to heal and fully recover. You'll get there!

MWC... .

[Infared]

no... .I just am done. Done... .done...

There are so many things in my life that I thrive on. I really have a lot going on... .and I just don't need to take that chance again. Not me.

I almost took my life over this... and I will never ever put my heart in a position to be treated like that again.   Its like hey... I put my hand on the stove and it got burnt. I put it there again and it got burnt worse... .hmmmmmm... .I think I will go take some photographs and stay away from the stove.! LOL!... .

I know it is cynical... but I just sit around and watch others suffer.  Keeps me single!  

I get to really get immersed in my interests and I am never "allowed" to do that in a relationship. I am told I "can't."   F that.

[camuse]

You don't NEED to be in a relationship, being single is perfectly fine and lots of fun - you can do what you like when you like, and that's great

If you don't feel like dating again, don't - live exactly the life you want, answerable to no one. It's not bad at all.

[rickdeckard]

You don't NEED to be in a relationship, being single is perfectly fine and lots of fun - you can do what you like when you like, and that's great

If you don't feel like dating again, don't - live exactly the life you want, answerable to no one. It's not bad at all.

This is so very true. No one actually needs to be in a r/s. Well, there is one that everyone should be in, and it should be the most important one. The relationship with themselves. Perhaps the feeling of "needing" to be with another is what causes some people to get stuck? Make bad desicions? No one else can complete you.

on topic,

My relationship did absolutely no damage to my relations with other women. I had female friends before, and still have them. They DO demonstrate, in retrospect, the level of stupidity I was suffering. Even while it was going on they were advising me to "RUN, DO NOT WALK" away from the ex.

There are some really good people out there, male and female. I'm not going to let one bad person destroy my belief in that.

[hope2727]

Oh my. I am so sorry for what all of you have been through. I am a woman recently dumped again by my exBPDfiancee. Please, please take a breath. Everything you say about materialism and shallowness has validity but please we are not all like that. I have 2 degrees, work and support myself, have hobbies and WANT a partner not a parent.

As for the female friends and flirting. Thats a bit more complicated. I have lots of male friends. I grew up a tom boy and like renovating and mechanics and gardening and ranching. I also like to sew and bake and paint. Mostly I like the company of men because we relate to one another well. I could care less about the latest coach bag or gossip. I do love my women friends but I only have a handful. I am not sure how I would feel about a new partner and his female friends. I was hugely relieved my exBPDfiance had women friends because I thought (foolishly) that it would then be ok for me to have my male friends. Nope. Wrong. He was ridiculously jealous of mine and totally inappropriate with his. So yes I became paranoid about his. He flirted and eventually cheated with them. It was exhausting. I ended up checking his phone and face book to confirm his last affair and also to confirm the horrible things he was telling our friends about me. So I have no idea how I will feel in the future. I guess the actions of a new partner will tell the tale. I don't want to be cut off from my friends and I want a new person to have his but the respect and boundaries would have to be there always. My cell and Facebook are wide open at all times and I could care less if my ex looked at them because I NEVER do anything I wouldn't do in front of him. So hopefully that will be how my next partner treats me, with respect, transparency and veracity. Who knows maybe I am a crazy idealist.

Anyway I wanted to write and tell you yes I have the 'BPD PTSD' too. I still have bells tied to my doors and gates due to his stalking me. I have a big guard dog now. I am in before dark and call a friend (male) morning and night to let him know I am home safe and made it through the night. So yes they scare us. But I REFUSE to let him stop my life. He will not stop me from being open to the possibility of love and a future. Please don't let your BPDex take that from you. I am out here and so are many other wonderful women. We want to love and be loved and feel secure and safe in our relationships. I know that my ex slowly cut me down and whittled away at my self confidence to the point that now I don't even feel able to date. I called 3 male friends to ask them if I am ugly and fat and undesirable as this was his comments at the end. I knew it wasn't true but I needed to hear it. They were furious. They told me I am beautiful and smart and strong and sexy and the fact that he took my self confidence is a crime. So go out there and find someone who knows herself and build a happy healthy relationship. I will not let mine take my soul don't you let yours take anything more from you.

Ok rant over. Sorry guys, it just made me so sad to hear how these women have crippled your feelings for other women. Here is a virtual hug from a great woman who is going to smile at every man I see today just to spread some happiness. No flirting just open faced smiles. Empathy I will let you know how many smile back.   

[workinprogress]

I try to keep an open mind.

I've learned a LOT about how the female mind works though. I find most women pretty easy to figure out now whereas before they were like a mystery.  After being with a BPD,  the simple games normal women play just don't work on me now.  

Get their attention,  DENY them narcissistic supply and watch them chase you for it, if you look half decent and have the ability to put on a bit of an act it's easy

I have learned a lot about society though and I don't like how it's going. This is becoming a shallow world we live in,  we have a generation of females and males tbh with no identity or values.  

Sleep around,  drink,  post on instagram all day,  be materialistic,  embrace narcissistic values,  persue "bad boys" so you can have an abusive relationship.

What happened to values,  dignity,  self respect?  

Welcome to the world where most young women think the only value they have is their looks,  and Kim Kardashian is a role model.

I'm not sure where I fit in tbh, cursed with a brain that functions too well, I think I was born about 100 years too late.

Very good observations, Inferno.  You are not born 100 years too late.  You are born at just the right time.  You have the chance to be authentic.  You can be yourself in a world of imposters.  You may feel lonely at times, but just think about how lonely the imposters are?

Embrace yourself and the time that you are living.  You may well set an example and inspire people you don't even know.

[Infared]

You don't NEED to be in a relationship, being single is perfectly fine and lots of fun - you can do what you like when you like, and that's great

If you don't feel like dating again, don't - live exactly the life you want, answerable to no one. It's not bad at all.

The only drawback at this point is that I just feel like I do not have a choice in the matter.  I have a very very good friend. We are so similar... .and what we both say (and I am 10 years older than him) is this: " I just don't have another one in me... .I had my loves and in the last situation I really showed up as the best me I can be, made a home, enjoyed and loved her family and then one day I was just replaced and discarded. Never saw it coming. I am never putting myself in a position to be treated like that by someone ever again.  I am just done."  

I am surprised that that is where I truly am in life.  Really surprised.    

No ... it isn't all bad... .not at all... just not what I expected.

[.cup.car]

I try to keep an open mind.

I've learned a LOT about how the female mind works though. I find most women pretty easy to figure out now whereas before they were like a mystery.  After being with a BPD, the simple games normal women play just don't work on me now. Get their attention, :)ENY them narcissistic supply and watch them chase you for it, if you look half decent and have the ability to put on a bit of an act it's easy

I have learned a lot about society though and I don't like how it's going. This is becoming a shallow world we live in, we have a generation of females and males tbh with no identity or values. Sleep around, drink, post on instagram all day, be materialistic, embrace narcissistic values,  pursue "bad boys" so you can have an abusive relationship.

What happened to values, dignity, self respect?  

Welcome to the world where most young women think the only value they have is their looks,  and Kim Kardashian is a role model.

This guy nailed it.

I don't fear women or dating in general, but experiencing how oh-so-very wrong it can go, it's like "nah, I've got better things to do."

I think dating apps ruined my perception of girls more than dealing with a pwBPD. I'm only 21, and seeing some of my facebook friends (which is still mostly former classmates, people in my social circle, coworkers, and acquaintances) who are in committed relationships still appear on places like Tinder and Down chasing c**k like it's going out of style, it's incredibly sad. People suffering BPD thrive in this environment because it allows them to operate without any sense of decency and get away with it.

[Infared]

I am sorry... .but this is just why I have stopped daring... .

Quoting Inferno here:

"figure out now whereas before they were like a mystery.  After being with a BPD, the simple games normal women play just don't work on me now. Get their attention, DENY them narcissistic supply and watch them chase you for it, if you look half decent and have the ability to put on a bit of an act it's easy"

That is ALL nothing but a bunch of outright game playing. Not a relationship.  I don't want to play a game to get someone to "chase me. This is just more sickness?

What do you expect the outcome to be from this nonsense?

[yaryu]

Interesting question.  I'm a woman who dates women, and this is my exactly same question after my relationship with my exBPDgf.  I'm a late bloomer, as in started dating at a later age.  She was my first relationship and love.  So now that went to hell, I try not to overgeneralize women too harshly.  Majority of my friends are male, most women just, I don't know, never found me relatable at all.  So when my ex reached out to me and gave me tons of attention, it was great.

I still have difficulties relating to most women when I read profiles on dating sites, which is probably not a good thing for me in terms of dating.  I'm still trying to understand them because apparently I don't seem get it according to my ex.