BPD adult Child abandons daughters

[Alebaxter]

Looking for some advise. Two weeks ago my 25 year old daughter left her children with us.there doesn't seem to be a timeframe that this will last. She has had little contact with the children. The younger ones father has taken her for half the time and the older ones father for a weekend.

We are not sure how much the Fathers know about the children's new living arrangements.

We are going to speak with a lawyer next week to discuss custody. On the phone he mentioned something about co-custody,where we would share custody with the fathers but keep them with us ,prime residency.of course we have not mentioned this to our daughter since she really doesn't seem to care about the children at this time.

My wife is worried that our daughter will take the children and run and keep them from us.she does receive food stamps and gets a child credit on her taxes currently and that may endnifmshe loses custodybofnthe children. Also the children might wind up going with their respective fathers and we are not sure that that is a great place either. One is on welfare and has no values or skills to raise his daughter.she also is epileptic and needs medication. The other father means well but Imdont think he wants to be a full time father.

We would prefer that our daughter seek treatment and be able to resume raising her daughters but do not see this in the foreseeable future. Does any one have any thoughts or ideas?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Dutched]

What a terrible situation for the kids and you as grandparents!

Respect  for your to put the kids welfare on the first place and providing them with stability and a safe loving place!

It sounds to me your thoughts very are rational and wise to see a lawyer in order to discuss custody and/or possibilities.

I suggest to jump over to the Legal Board, there you might get more feedback and for sure advice.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello Alebaxter,

Welcome to the  Parenting board, and 

There have been other parents here that have gained custody of their grandchildren.

At this point, your daughter is an adult and your grandchildren are those who's welfare needs to be considered first and foremost... .What would be best for them in this situation? Are you willing/able to raise them?

My wife is worried that our daughter will take the children and run and keep them from us.she does receive food stamps and gets a child credit on her taxes currently and that may end  if she loses custody of the children.

This is definitely a possibility. Depending on the State/country you live in, the laws might be different. Talking to a lawyer about this is wise.

Welcome again among us!

[donnab]

Hi Alebaxter

Sorry to hear you are going through this. I can totally relate to what you are experiencing as I have just filed for residency (albeit temporarily) for my 15 month old gd who my BPDD left at our house 3 1/2 months ago. We live in the UK

It has been a roller coaster emotionally. My BPDD wasn't coping with gd for the whole of the year she had her, we were co-parenting, trying to safeguard my gd & BPDD as best as we could, and reporting things to Social Services when things were really bad.

I submitted the application 2 weeks ago and on Monday was temporarily given the order while reports are being made.

What I hadn't really prepared myself for was the emotional fallout I would feel. In submitting the application I wrote a 9 page document, detailing the major incidents over the last year, where I could remember dates etc. I have been stuck in fog since I submitted the paperwork, really confused about whether I am doing the right thing. My BPDD hasn't turned her rage on me, as I was worried about, but is hurt and sad, she acknowledges the things I have written are true and she needs help.

I guess what I am trying to say is get it in your mind what you believe is in the children's best interests and then prepare for the impact. I have had a week of being hit by unrelenting guilt and confusion, which I wish I had prepared a bit for x

[qcarolr]

Alebaxter,

My heart goes out to you. The grandkids with our BPDkids creates such a complex situation, especially when the dad's are absent or unable to be there for this kids. How are the kids doing? What are their ages? Do you already have a good relationship with them?  Understanding a little more about the history of your situation will help us in giving you support.

You are doing the right things in meeting with a lawyer and coordinating with the dads. Does the lawyer have experience with non-parent custody? Every state has different laws, and the parents have priority over any other relative. In Colorado there has to be 6 months of primary care and physical custody to even submit a petition - unless the court temporarily places the child through the foster care system.

Our BPDDD28 lived with us off and on the past 10 years. She has two kids, there are two dads and lots of boyfriends. Gd is 9 and gs turned 7 today. We have had custody of gd since she was a baby. She always lived with us and we provided lots of care after she was 6 weeks old and the alcoholic dad left for 2 months. Dd frequently threatened to leave with gd and we would never see them again . We knew she most likely could not make this happen for long, and we were so distressed anyway. Looking back, I would have worked harder to get dh to do the training to be a kinship foster home for placement of gd through social services. The court would have put temporary orders in place to protect gd when she was 8 months old. We feel lucky gd's daddy helped us get custody at 18 months when he got out of jail - 12 month sentence for being stupid when drunk assaulting the police officers called for disturbing the peace. A couple months later he had hitch-hiked his way to California's warm beaches.

DD was married a bit to the second daddy - he was deported while their son was in foster care. We chose to keep a distance when gs was on the way. We did not have emotional, physical or financial resources for another grandchild. He was in foster care at 5 months and adopted by the foster parents at age 2 after a long journey through family court. I see him on the  new mom's face book - a smiling, handsome little guy.

Each of these choices have turned out to be OK for each of our grandkids. I am often torn between my love for DD and desire for her to get treatment vs. my love for gd and knowledge that she needs protection from the unstable and sometimes traumatic states of her mom. As I have taken care of myself, learned the tools and lessons here, practiced them over and over and over with everyone in my life, things are getting better for DD. At least for now. There is greater hope for DD to regain a non-custodial relationship with her daughter. She has to choose to stay in treatment.

Please know that each family of grandparents has to find their own best path. Others here on this board have been in unique situations and have made different choices. Keep coming back, let us know how things are going, ask questions, vent frustrations. We are here to support and care.

Qcr