Text after 14 days

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Today she text me and asked if I would like to go to dinner sometime. I asked her what her intention was. I also stated that I could not be friends with her and I have accepted that she did not want a life with me. And that I am in a good place and happy. She responded with a me too.  I then told her it is all or nothing with me. I offered het a good loving life and she didn't want it. And I am ok with that. But I can't let her back in as a friend. Sorry all or nothing. She  told me when she sees me she wants to ravage me. But she can't do the stress of the ups and downs. I told her I wished her well. I also said that the stress she felt she brought on herself. I didn't cause it. All I wanted was for her to make the same commitment I was willing to make to her. It was her fear that caused the stress not me. Then I said no to dinner. I won't be hurt again.

I know I talked and engaged a lot. I won't lie as much as I know she is bad news I miss her.

What are your thoughts?

[willtimeheal]

Today she text me and asked if I would like to go to dinner sometime. I asked her what her intention was. I also stated that I could not be friends with her and I have accepted that she did not want a life with me. And that I am in a good place and happy. She responded with a me too.  I then told her it is all or nothing with me. I offered het a good loving life and she didn't want it. And I am ok with that. But I can't let her back in as a friend. Sorry all or nothing. She  told me when she sees me she wants to ravage me. But she can't do the stress of the ups and downs. I told her I wished her well. I also said that the stress she felt she brought on herself. I didn't cause it. All I wanted was for her to make the same commitment I was willing to make to her. It was her fear that caused the stress not me. Then I said no to dinner. I won't be hurt again.

I know I talked and engaged a lot. I won't lie as much as I know she is bad news I miss her.

What are your thoughts?

[fromheeltoheal]

All I wanted was for her to make the same commitment I was willing to make to her. It was her fear that caused the stress not me.

Yep, accurate; her response might be "creative".  And apart from the fear of abandonment, which does drive everything, even if we could somehow convince a borderline that we weren't going anywhere, she would still be unable, incapable, of making the kind of commitment we make, since that fear has overridden everything since they were infants, and they haven't developed beyond it.

The critical thing for me was to realize that my heart was in the right place, and the only mistake I made was not accurately perceiving what was going on with her, or perceiving it and denying it, and that she wasn't going where I wanted to go, couldn't go there.  So I don't need to do anything differently moving forward, with my heart anyway, but I do need to pay a whole lot more attention to what I'm getting back.  Any of that ring true?

[willtimeheal]

Thanks heel,

It makes sense. In therapy the other day I discovered I do some of the things I do because it gives me that little glimmer of "hope" that maybe things will be different is time and it will work out. It was interesting because I know that she is ill and incapable but keeping that hope makes me feel better. My therapist says I am doing well and moving forward faster than he thought. So I am happy and proud of myself. This has been the most difficult battle I have ever fought. I won't lie... .I still yearn for that life with her. I love and miss her. And I don't want that hope to die but I do realize it isn't about her. It's about me and what is best for me. I just hope my heart an  mind catches up with what I know is right.

[fromheeltoheal]

keeping that hope makes me feel better.

I don't want that hope to die

And it doesn't need to die, it just needs to be redirected.  Hoping that a relationship will work out, and going all in in the right one, going beyond hope and making it happen, is what we're built for, we just need to partner with someone who is capable of reciprocating.  And of course letting go of that hope where she's concerned is a critical part of detaching, painful, but it is what it is.  Take care of you!

[fred6]

Thanks heel,

It makes sense. In therapy the other day I discovered I do some of the things I do because it gives me that little glimmer of "hope" that maybe things will be different is time and it will work out. It was interesting because I know that she is ill and incapable but keeping that hope makes me feel better. My therapist says I am doing well and moving forward faster than he thought. So I am happy and proud of myself. This has been the most difficult battle I have ever fought. I won't lie... .I still yearn for that life with her. I love and miss her. And I don't want that hope to die but I do realize it isn't about her. It's about me and what is best for me. I just hope my heart an  mind catches up with what I know is right.

I just had a semi drunk epiphany. While I was still living there after she broke up with me after I caught her cheating on me. She treated me like I didn't exist. When she looked at me, it was like she was looking through a window. Anyhow, I tried to talk to her about it. I told her that I knew that we weren't together anymore and that I was moving out. But I told her that she didn't have to treat me like dog$hit in a ditch. To at least act like you care. Her words to me were, "I don't want to give you any hope, there is no hope".

We were together 3 years and she's known this other guy a month or two. And there's no hope, What the heck?

We all want hope for our relationship with someone we love. But I guess Benjamin Franklin was right after all.

He that lives upon hope will die fasting

[willtimeheal]

Here is my goal for the weekend. I need to delete her on Facebook. I wrote earlier that I cling to hope that maybe we will work out this time. I realize when I check her FB page and there is no picture of a replacement that gives me that hope. I will never move on or heal if I continue to think this way. So my big goal this weekend is delete the friendship on FB.

I will be honest. It scares me. I don't want to let go of the hope. But staying in this spot scares me too. I just want to live my life and be happy. This disorder has made me into a person I don't even recognize.

[Blimblam]

Here is my goal for the weekend. I need to delete her on Facebook. I wrote earlier that I cling to hope that maybe we will work out this time. I realize when I check her FB page and there is no picture of a replacement that gives me that hope. I will never move on or heal if I continue to think this way. So my big goal this weekend is delete the friendship on FB.

I will be honest. It scares me. I don't want to let go of the hope. But staying in this spot scares me too. I just want to live my life and be happy. This disorder has made me into a person I don't even recognize.

You and me both

[fromheeltoheal]

Here is my goal for the weekend. I need to delete her on Facebook. I wrote earlier that I cling to hope that maybe we will work out this time. I realize when I check her FB page and there is no picture of a replacement that gives me that hope. I will never move on or heal if I continue to think this way. So my big goal this weekend is delete the friendship on FB.

I will be honest. It scares me. I don't want to let go of the hope. But staying in this spot scares me too. I just want to live my life and be happy. This disorder has made me into a person I don't even recognize.

Good for you!  Hope can give us a pleasant feeling sometimes, but think about it, hope is really a powerless place; when we 'hope' something will happen, we have no control over it.  By contrast doing something like unfriending and maybe blocking her on Facebook is proactive, it's an action, something you can control.

I held out 'hope' that she'd continue trying to contact me after I left her, sick sht that, but upon digging I discovered I'd spent much of the relationship hoping, hoping she'd be nice to me, hoping she'd be more emotionally transparent so I wouldn't be so anxious all the time, hoping she'd stop maintaining some sort of relationship with other men because I mattered.  Enough.  Fck that.  Deciding and believing that I deserve better and I at least know what a healthy relationship is was a first step in taking my power back, and letting go of that long-standing hope where she's concerned was painful, but absolutely necessary since it was based in fantasy and I would never get what I was hoping for from her.

So enjoy hitting that 'unfriend' button, and may an action towards your future bliss empower you.

[willtimeheal]

Heel,

You are right... .time to be proactive. I have spent too much of the relationship on hope. Button just pushed. Deleted!

[myself]

Letting go may feel like free fall for awhile, but you have choices about where you're going to land. Including following where you feel your hopes are pointing. There are other chances for all of us. You're already facing the right direction, just keep steering yourself towards where you want to go.

[fromheeltoheal]

Heel,

You are right... .time to be proactive. I have spent too much of the relationship on hope. Button just pushed. Deleted!

Good for you!