What is our responsibility to sick, injured, or grieving parents?

[silverstripe]

My father passed away last month. My uBPDm, who is physically disabled (mobile, but unable to bend at the waist or to carry things over five pounds) came down with pneumonia three weeks later and is now in the hospital herself. My dad's passing has triggered her ultimate fear, also, I think, the fear of abandonment. Her children are adults and have moved out. My cousin has moved in with her since this happened but is starting to get uncomfortable staying there because my mom doesn't want any noise in the house like the TV (she only wants you to sit with her for hours in silence saying nothing while she stares at you), doesn't want to open the curtains or turn on the lights, and every time my cousin has tried to clean things in the house my mom stops her and says that since it isn't the way my dad did it (vaccummed, dusted, whatever), that she can't do it at all.

When I was younger, her BPD behavior was quite extreme and abusive. Over the past two or three years, she has somehow gotten it under control and/or hidden it under the surface, only calmly occasionally saying hurtful things in a normal tone of voice. But since she has been in the hospital these last few days, and placed on narcotic medications, which I think have a tendency to either bring this out of her or else limit her ability to control it? I don't know? ... .Its rapidly coming back: Gaslighting (asking you to do something, like get something for her from her house and then getting mad at you for doing it because "she never said that" and you're lying that she did); deciding that everyone is calling her or coming to see her only to get material to gossip about her, steal her money, etc, etc (she has very elaborate conspiracy theories going on about almost every member of the family); yelling at nurses, calling people names, playing the martyr ("I'm so sorry for ruining your life by being in the hospital" if you mention the traffic or your job or anything about your life separate from her life), the victim (she's "trapped" at the hospital even though she took herself there) pitting people against each other with black/white talking, and basically pushing people out of her life one by one and then claiming that they hurt her and not vice versa. She even announced at the hospital yesterday "I'm done being nice. I'm going back to being the b**** from hell."

In her eyes, I was the "bad" child when we were growing up and received the brunt of the physical abuse/intimidation and verbal/emotional abuse. I've done a lot of work trying to get out of the web of the BPD world, including moving away for five years (I only moved back to the same state as my family a year ago). I do not want my mother's moods and behaviors to again become what dictates my whole life. But it's already starting: Relatives are calling wanting explanations from me, as the oldest, for why my mom is calling them names, or refusing their calls altogether, from the hospital. I've had to walk out of the hospital three times already myself because of her anger. (Being around her rising rage triggers my PTSD). Etc, etc.

But - here's the thing. My father did just die. She IS disabled. She DOES have pneumonia, and when she goes home from the hospital, which may be today, she will still be sick. Any child would / should? try and be helpful to their parent under these circumstances, right? And not just ditch them at the hospital to find their own way home and not check on them for days? My brother's already bowed out of driving her home from the hospital and says he may not go and see her for five or six days because he can't handle her behavior. Her sister is backing away because my mom is being abusive to her. Which leaves it all to me. Being around her when she is like this is exhausting and draining, even if she's not directly insulting me personally, and I do live over an hour away. But, so, the question is, just how much do I need to give? When this kind of stuff happens to our parents, where do we draw the boundaries? Do the circumstances mean they "deserve" us putting up with their , or being pulled into their games, regardless of our own emotional health, since they ARE ill/hurt/etc? I've only lasted about 20 minutes during each hospital visit because I left as soon as she started getting agitated/angry and I knew the hospital staff was looking after her, but at home, she will not have anyone there to check on her. I guess I'm just really wondering how others may have handled similar situations with their parents... .

[isshebpd]

Hi silverstripe,

Sorry to hear about the death of your father. I can only imagine the difficult situation you are in right now. The FOG must be unbearable.

Like you, I'm the eldest son and the Scapegoat of my uBPDmom. The difference is my parents are in their late 60s and still in decent physical health. I expect to be in a similar situation to yours one day.

We're pretty much generic North Americans (actually Canadians), so I don't know what kind of special obligations might get asked of me as the eldest son. I'm already trying resist any such obligations. My uBPDmom has been trying to get me involved in her church, but I'm not religious and I sort of see it as a FOG trap.

While all the extended family has long been alienated from my uBPDmom, I've had family friends try to "should" me into doing things. I've either ignored them or even avoided them. I refuse to answer for the behaviour of anyone in my FOO (especially my uBPDmom and uNPDbro). If anyone ever gives me a hard time, I'd simply stop speaking to them.

That said, I don't know what I'd do in your situation. For me, I'd have to assume my uNPDbro would be worse than useless (if he's even still alive at that point as he weighs 300 pounds). I would feel guilt if too much fell on the shoulders of my sister, but I'd hope I could negotiate sharing any unavoidable obligations.

Why do you feel you have to do things your siblings refuse to do?

Just remember, if you any sign of physical illness (even a cold or stomach ache), you could truthfully get out of any hospital visits.

[Harri]

Hi silvers.  I am sorry to hear about your loss.  Losing a parent is a pretty big loss and is stressful and then to have to deal with mom on top of that makes it even harder.  I hope you are taking care of yourself too.  Silvers, you are in a tough position.  It can be managed but will still be stressful.  In the meantime, plug into some of the lessons and articles here on boundaries, etc.  Hopefully she will go back to how she has been a couple of yers ago, but if not, you have to take care of you.  There is no rule about this.  What is expected and what most people do in these situations does not apply when talking about someone who abused you for years.  Do what feels right for *you*.  You are not obligated to do anything.  Having your children take care of you in old age and sickness is a privilege many of our parents do not deserve. 

You asked what our responsibility is, and again, I am going to say it is whatever you feel comfortable with.  I am not saying that to be flip and I know it is not immediately helpful, but you have to find that place between feeling obligated and wanting to help because it is the right thing for *you*.  It is not easy and when I had to deal with a similar situation, it was a day by day or incident by incident choice that I made.  With my father my brother was little to no help beyond showing up every once in a while and looking in the fridge to make sure I was feeding my dad and walking around looking for dust.   (It is several years later and I still get angry when I think about it.)  My mom was different for me.  I was around but minimally involved and left her to my father to take care of and to a lesser extent my brother. 

I hope if you choose to help your mom that your sister will be supportive.  I recommend sitting down with her and laying it all out so you both can hash out what you will and will not do.  Time spent visiting, shopping, cleaning, etc?  Some health insurance plans can have home aides come to the house and help with self care (which I assume neither of you would want to take care of)  and cleaning or your mother could pay for those services herself.  You should tell her doctors that she basically has no one to help her, that you are only available a couple of hours a week.  Visiting nurses can check her for things like blood pressure, temp, etc.  All that can be arranged before she is discharged.  A lot of places will not release a patient until they have sufficient support lined up at home.  (I have spent quite a bit of time in the hospital and ended up needing visiting nurses daily and home health aids 3 X a week for about 6 months.  Services are availabe especially if you say she has no support <--- that is key)

Care taking a sick parent, never mind one with BPD, is a huge undertaking.  I am concerned about you and your wellbeing since you were the scapegoat when you were younger.  How would you feel about telling your mother she has to hire a caretaker?  And is she expects you to visit, you have to be allowed to have light, to reead and or watch TV.

I think I am more direct than a lot of people and I would be annoyed if extended family members called me asking why my mother was being mean/rude/whatever.  They can ask her themselves.  I am not sure how you have responded to the calls.  If it were me, I would say something like "you would really need to speak to her about that" and not get drawn into their need to triangulate (that is what it sounds like to me anyway).  If they persisted, maybe you can tell that she has always been difficult but her recent loss and illness has made her less able to control herself.  <---  word it however you choose.  What I wrote is a very toned down and much gentler version that what I have said on occasion so pick your own words.

[silverstripe]

Hi issheBPD - Thanks for the reply. Yes, I think the "should"s sometimes come from people who truly do not get what it's like to have a parent like this. Yes, in theory, everyone should want to spend time with their parents... .but then again, in theory, every parent shouldn't be hurtful to their children  or family members... .so those "should"s really don't work in these kinds of situations. But yeah, lots of FOG going on, because that's very easy to forget. :/ Even when I think I'm not letting her mess with my head, I still feel guilty - for thinking negatively about her and her behavior, etc, etc.  There's nothing in particular that other people are refusing to do or anything, it's just that sometimes when my brother gets overwhelmed with emotional stuff, he will just disappear for days or a week or two at a time (he's 22), and so then everything will fall to me (I'm 30). We've committed to trying to keep channels of communication open between us directly, though (the two of us and other extended family members) and so far that seems to be working, despite her efforts to "divide and conquer."

[Coral]

Harri, you wrote "There are no rules... ."  In some states, there are laws and if push comes to shove, the state may appoint a guardian ad litem.  In some states, it's a real racket re: guardian ad litem and you'll discover all of your parent(s) assets are gone and the courts will demand the adult children bear the financial costs of care.

[Harri]

Well, Holy Heartbreak Coral!  I had no idea there were laws like that in various states.  I know that elder abuse is a problem for many adult children (in terms of being falsely charged) but I did not know the state can force you to pay for their care.

I have no idea of what to say other than a bunch of curses... .Yikes.

A quick google search turned this up:  www.elderlawanswers.com/adult-children-could-be-on-hook-for-parents-nursing-home-bills-5181  I am not sure how applicable the article is to this situation, but it may lead to more information. 

Thanks for the correction Coral.  And once again, Yikes!

[silverstripe]

Harri, I wrote a response to your first comment, and it looks like somehow it didn't get posted - drat!

For what it's worth in my situation, my mom is only 54. I think a person has to be considered "elderly" in order for "elder abuse" to be a concern.

Apparently she shouted at all the nurses and the doctor the other day that she "lives alone" and is "completely alone!" and told them to not to talk to anyone else in the room (such as my brother and my aunt) about her test results and her care, because she's "all alone." Despite the fact that she's pretty much been high on narcotic pain killers for the past nine days and the staff knows she's been delusional, I am hoping they actually took that part seriously. I know there was some talk earlier of getting a home care aide once she gets discharged for follow up care, which her insurance covers. I hope they stick to that. It is my name on the papers now as power of attorney and emergency contact, so if they call me to coordinate her release, which the nurse says they're supposed to do (though they may not), then I will definitely encourage that option if it's something that may still be needed.

My brother and I are communicating and coordinating a lot better now regarding her. He is just now coming to terms with our mother as someone with BPD traits (which I've talked with him about) and a drug-seeker/someone with addiction issues. He was always in denial before and chose not to see it because he was the "good" child and it didn't serve him well to see the truth. She had also somehow convinced him over the years that she was fine and it was everyone else with the mental health problems. I think this is hard for my brother to take in, especially because he's just 22 and all of this happened, but he is doing his best.

We are all at different stages, though. He is even more terrified of her than me now... .and now will do anything not to make her angry, including agreeing with her made-up stories. For instance, our grandfather was at the hospital a few days ago and she was extremely rude, yelling at him and his girlfriend and accusing them of betraying her trust and stuff. My brother was there and witnessed it and was the one who originally told me the story. Our grandfather stopped going to see her at the hospital because of this. She called him up yesterday and wanted to know why he hasn't been to see her. He told her that it was because she behaved badly. She said she has no memory of this incident and that he's making it all up. She asked my brother if he knew anything about it and my brother shook his head and said, "nope, I don't know what grandpa's talking about." I will not participate in this gaslighting and divide and conquer nonsense; I had too much of it growing up. I don't care how scary she is, to me it's an issue of my personal integrity (to myself) to participate in that. I told her in a calm voice, "you were very rude and abusive to grandpa when he visited." She told me she remembered nothing about it and demanded that I tell her everything she supposedly said to him. I said I didn't want to discuss it right now (they were about to take her back for a small surgical procedure). Three hours later, after the surgery was done and she was all settled in, I left to go to the bathroom and she immediately turned to my brother telling him I was "keeping information from her" and saying a bunch of other bad stuff about me. Then me and my brother calmly left the hospital because it was time to go. She called me crying, asking "are you going to keep it a secret from me forever, what I said to your grandfather? Are you going to always hold it against me? Is this some kind of plot, you're plotting with him against me? You angrily stormed out of the hospital today" (I did no such thing.) "You were barely here!" (3 hours).  I am trying to be patient with my brother as he adjusts to seeing her in this light, but I just have zero tolerance for this type of thing. It is hurtful and extremely manipulative and when any of us buy into her innocent "victim" stance, it actually makes other people with good intentions into actual victims of her schemes - like my grandfather, who was seriously trying to do nothing but go see her in the hospital and to help her out. ... .sigh.

[Harri]

Hi Silvers!  I hate it when I lose a post.

So when I read that your mother is not elderly, I was relieved.  I think assault charges may be a bit easier to deal with than elder abuse!    Okay, not funny, but well, sheesh, it seems like she is a lot to handle.  It certainly sounds like you have a good handle on her issues and know where you stand so that is excellent.  Triangulation is the worst, especially when it involves siblings.  My mom caused so much damage between my brother and I when she was alive that I am still trying to break through on certain issues with him.  Sometimes I think it is harder for the all good child to break away. 

Have you researched your responsibilities for her care and what if any laws may apply (I am still floored at what Coral wrote)?  Not to worry you, but simply to look ahead and see if you want to continue as her POA?

I wish you the best of luck with your mom and with helping your brother.  It is good that he saw her in action and it may actually give him pause the next time she tries her hurtful tricks.

Take care Silvers. 

[Change2014]

Thank you Silvers for starting this thread.  This topic has been on my mind a lot lately. My uBPD mother is in very bad physical shape and I foresee things heading down this route.  She is only in her mid-60's but her health is rapidly declining.  I have tried helping/taking care of my mom after knee replacement surgery and it was HELL.  She does not remember anything nice I did for her and instead has some memory that she told me to clear off a kitchen counter and that I didn't do it and called me selfish.  Never mind that I helped her with bathroom stuff, managed her medication, held her hand while she cried and was high on painkillers,  etc.  This is all while I was pregnant with my son.  And I did feel a sense of shame and guilt when a home aide would come to check her dressing because I thought the aide may think I wasn't a "good daughter" and I wasn't doing enough for my mom.  I so feel your pain and cannot even imagine how difficult of a time this is for you losing your father and then dealing with these health issues with your mother.  I too struggle with wanting to do what I think is right, but then I have to remind myself to consider what is healthy for me. These are very difficult issues.  I have only just started raising them with my father, and told him that I will not take care of mom when she becomes dependent/homebound (which it looks like she is headed towards).  It felt cold saying it, but after trying to take care of her before, I know it is not possible.  And my Dad dumps those issues on me.  Sometimes other family members will just let you take up all the slack... .my dad and sister do it to me.  Sometime we have to stop taking on all the responsibility in order to force others to face reality and pick up some of the burden.  I am the scapegoat at this stage in life with my uBPD mom and so I feel for you.  I also have a sibling (sister) and she is now the good child and she refuses to address the issues.  I think you have to be very realistic with yourself about what you are willing to take on and what is good for you mentally, physically, and emotionally.  You are not obligated to destroy your own well-being to take care of someone just because they are your parent.  Our parents have made decisions and they have to take responsibility for them as well.  I feel that these old age/illness/end of life issues are a perfect breeding ground for BPD people to lash out and infect us with their toxicity.  It is terribly hurtful and one of the lowest forms of manipulation.  Hugs to you and please take care of yourself. 

[claudiaduffy]

But - here's the thing. My father did just die. She IS disabled. She DOES have pneumonia, and when she goes home from the hospital, which may be today, she will still be sick. Any child would / should? try and be helpful to their parent under these circumstances, right?

... .When this kind of stuff happens to our parents, where do we draw the boundaries? Do the circumstances mean they "deserve" us putting up with their , or being pulled into their games, regardless of our own emotional health, since they ARE ill/hurt/etc?

... .I guess I'm just really wondering how others may have handled similar situations with their parents... .

Hey, Silverstripe,

My situation was that my fiance's father died abruptly one week before our wedding. His mother is uBPD and had already been very aggressive and attacking towards me, my family, my friends, and our premarital counselor, not to mention my fiance, whom she tried to manipulate and control and bully in a myriad of ways. She is, however, in her 70s and suffers from a few legitimate health problems.

While we were sitting in the hospital with her, waiting for her husband's heart to finally stop (he was brain dead for a couple of days before they turned the machines off; this all following an unexpected collapse only days before), she said all kinds of things to us that I would, in any other circumstance, have countered and confronted as hateful and untrue and contrary to actual written records we had. However, as we were sitting there watching the heart rate monitors, I decided not to do this. And for the next month or so - after our return from our honeymoon, her behaviors grew more and more uncontrolled - I struggled with knowing how to treat her, because she WAS widowed, and abruptly at that. Surely, I told myself, we can afford to be gracious in these circumstances.

But when it came down to it, I had to remind myself that this woman - my husband's mother - really was, actually, an emotional rapist. She had been allowed to forcibly abuse the hearts and minds of her husband and son for years, and just because her husband was now dead and her son had chosen health instead of her machinations, all of her efforts were still bent on recovering that privileged position she had held. They had been her love-slaves (even though she had not actually overtly sexually abused my husband; she had veered very close to it with the type of emotional abuse she inflicted.) And what's more, the entire time I had known her (a couple of years by this point), she had been unsuccessfully trying to groom me for her invasive, passionate abuse, as well.

When I put the term "rapist" to what she had done and continued to try to do, my way became much clearer. Because I could easily imagine that if someone had physically raped me or my husband, we would not feel the obligation to care for them face-to-face, even if they needed care. Someone else - someone that she hadn't repeatedly abused - could do that instead. We were guiltless in "abandoning" her to the care of others, because no reasonable person can claim anyone has to take care of their rapist.

It took me a little while to be confident that this was a realistic, justifiable, and calm way of looking at the situation - and not just trying to villainize a hurting, aging woman who thought she loved her family - but the more I've found out since then about what she actually did to her family, the more certain I am that I am not painting her black or overstating the emotional violence committed. And thinking of it in terms of rape clears up the decisions we make regarding her.

[sophiegirl]

Hi Silverstripe

I don't think I have any words of advice, I can only say that I have been in a similar situation for the last 6 years. My mother is 89 and moved in next door about 6 years ago after a serious illness. I am an only child but also the bad daughter and she made it very clear that a daughter has the responsibility to look after her parents and that good daughters would never put their mother into a home. Unfortunately this has been ingrained in me from a very young age, my father left when I was 2 and went NC, apparently this was my fault as had I been born a boy he would have stayed, so I have often wondered if this is why she hates me?. Over the years I have disappeared, gone NC or moved just to get away but she has always tracked me down, even reporting me as a missing person. I understand your feelings of obligation or guilt. I have never wanted to be the bad daughter but whatever I have done over the years has of course never elevated me to anything more.

Claudiaduffy I think your term is very fitting, I doubt anyone who has not lived with a BPD could ever grasp that feeling and probably find the term quite offensive but it sits very well with me. Reading 'emotional rapist' immediately helped me feel justified for so many emotions she can invoke: Pity, hate, guilt, repulsion.

[claudiaduffy]

Claudiaduffy I think your term is very fitting, I doubt anyone who has not lived with a BPD could ever grasp that feeling and probably find the term quite offensive but it sits very well with me. Reading 'emotional rapist' immediately helped me feel justified for so many emotions she can invoke: Pity, hate, guilt, repulsion.

I am almost offended by it, myself, and I use it cautiously because I in no way want to minimize the suffering of those who have been physically raped. But when I remember - oh, the times - like the time my uBPDmom was driving my sister and me back home from an evening event and my mom was railing at my sister for some act of supposed rebellion. My sister was maybe 10 or 11 years old. My mother repeatedly, violently, forcefully asked questions and when my sister answered them truthfully, my mom contradicted her and told her to repeat the contradiction as truth. Over and over and over. My sister, being a truthful person, could not do it. The drive was a little over half an hour and my sister was gagging on her tears as my mom tried to force a new "true" account of events on her mind and make her accept responsibility for all my mom's anger. It was brutal. It was invasive. It violated all the emotional and mental boundaries of self. I still have a hard time living with the fact that I didn't do something to stop my mom, to get her attention on me instead; I feel almost complicit in the abuse. But I was only 12 or 13 myself. What could I have done?

And then all the things uBPDmil did to my husband - actually breaking down his locked bedroom door in the house he owned to come sit with him in the middle of the night and make him make her feel better about whatever emotional drama she cooked up, sucking on his emotions for her own sick satisfaction... .invasive. Violent. Masking it in terms of affection and motherly love. And thank goodness he finally realized he was old enough to put a stop to it all.