Breaking Up during Silent Treatment

[Loveofhislife]

I attempted this question in a post embedded in the thread asking, ":)id You Cheat [on BPD]?" My question was, is it cheating if we sleep with or move on to someone else when we are receiving Silent Treatment? Abandonment?

Now, this question may seem a little silly, but some of you may know I was one of the nons abandoned out of nowhere (nearly 10 weeks ago).  Because we never seriously discussed ending the relationship or had a big fight, or discovered cheating, etc. I really don't know if we're broken up or not--I mean, not officially.  I realize I should have broken things off long ago, and I did receive one other bout of ST in early May, but it lasted less than one week and after my request for repayment of a large amount of money.

So, I'm not sure that it's closure I'm looking for.  If I were to ask exbfBPD, "Have you moved on?"--is that a solicitous question?  Or if I text and say; "Hey, I've been trying to reach you for 10 weeks, which I think is an adequate time for us to move on and date other people... ."  I think I would be asking for raging.

Assuming I'm split black (or a very dark grey), I presume anything I would say or do can and would be used against me.  I can't even get a straight answer when I'm asking for my belongings back from his apartment.  I only get answers like, "What property?"  Like my asking to be repaid in May, I think my asking for repayment on August 1 triggered the abandonment in the first place.  But 10 weeks seems like a really long Silent Treatment, keeping in mind I have been remaining very low contact as well.

So, there is a part of me that doesn't want his "permission" to be with someone else, but it feels awkward. I was committed to him and chaste for over one year. If/when he finds out that I'm meeting with an ex tomorrow, he surely will say, "AH--I knew it! You're a cheater!"

What would you do?

[tim_tom]

If you haven't spoke in 10 weeks you are broken up, it's not cheating, it's moving on

[peiper]

I was where you are and even though she divorced me(fastest divorce I've ever seen) I waited around because I took my vows to heart. But there's a point where enough is enough and its time to move on. The good Lord only gives us so much time for our life, we need to enjoy it.

[Recooperating]

To me a relationship goes both ways. Its two people relating and being involved which each other. He chose not to relate or be involved in your life for 10 weeks now. There is no relationship any more... .Also the moment you chose the relationship is over... .Its over! So make the choice for yourself... .You are free to move on, free to explore all the opportunities this life has to offer. Take care of your needs, he obviously doesnt care.

Sorry you feel confused. 

[Loveofhislife]

"So, how should I answer when people ask about you? D and I said nothing to the lady who asked about you at the movie theater, because we don't know what to say."

The question I posed on text to exbfBPD is solicitous, I would rather just ask, "Have you moved on, because that is what I am doing" Why do I feel compelled to give some kind of disclosure?

He never answered the solicitous question by the way; doubt he will.

[enlighten me]

Personally if I had the silent treatment for that long I would have asked where I stood. If I got no reply then I would have sent a message saying that by the lack of response I guess we are over. That way if I did do something then I would be guilt free.

I could do anything while it was still hanging in the air as I hate cheaters. Ive had it done to me a couple of times and for me it is the most disrespectful thing a person can do in a relationship.

[hurting300]

I've been getting the silent treatment for SIX MONTHS. She never said (we're over) she pretended everything was perfect and disappeared while I was at work taking our baby... cold calculated silence. But she drives by my house . So I made the choice, we're done. I tried to contact her but no number... so I burned her things and posted it on Facebook. Totally legal because the police said it's abandoned property. Guess what? Another drive by. When they go silent just step back think about it and make a choice. Mine is to let it be.

[Loveofhislife]

My friends: BPD family--this is so hard; exbfBPD has my heart; it is the heart of the same little girl who heard her father raging; saw her older brother and sister run away and watched her mother deteriorate into early (perhaps willful) dementia. My lonely child loves him, and loves only three people more: my three adult children. I don't want to be with another; I love him still. It hurts so much.

[hurting300]

Yes it does hurt...

[Blimblam]

I know the hurt. 

I'm sorry it hurts.

He will only cause you pain it's all he knows.

[heartandwhole]

Loveofhislife,

I'm so sorry that you are hurting, I know how hard it can be to let go.   I've been there, too.

You deserve so much more in your life. A relationship is reciprocal, with both people giving and receiving from each other. His silence leaves you completely bereft of his care and attention—that just has no place in a vibrant, loving relationship. Ask yourself why you want to hold on to someone whose actions broadcast that he does not, or cannot, take your well being into account?

Life is too short and too precious, Loveofhislife. That lonely child doesn't need his attention, she needs your attention and loving kindness. Can you imagine the wise loving part of you giving that to her? I have found writing dialogs between the wise and caring parent inside of me and my "little heartandwhole" very helpful.

Keep posting, we're here for you and we care. 

heartandwhole

[patientandclear]

If the question is, can he come back after 10 weeks of silence -- yes. It happens. Someone I know from here reunited with her uBPD partner after 6 months of complete silence; another after a year. It took very very slow non-judgmental contact. No discussion about the relationship. Like approaching a feral cat.

My ex was silent with me for 10 weeks last year. I reached out with a sort of apology for what I'd said that triggered him. He responded sort of nastily, we went back and forth, ultimately he warmed and we moved forward. Until he did things that deeply hurt me, that I couldn't swallow and maintain any self respect.

So if you're asking about his intentions, I'd say he could easily not have "moved on." Many pwBPD might have found a new r/s but the men my friends reunited with had not. For what it's worth.

Whether you should be done and can decide to move on is different. But out of kindness I'd suggest not using that term in announcing it. That will hurt him enormously. Why not just say, if you feel that way, something like "I didn't want this, but it seems like I have to accept that you are not coming back. I don't feel I have any choice but to consider that our r/s is over. I'm so sad about that and I don't understand why it had to end this way, but I don't know what else to do. I really wish it could be different."

A peremptory "I've moved on" sounds like you've replaced him unfeelingly in short order, just what we hate when they do it.

Sorry it's so hard. In the end, I couldn't unconditionally tolerate everything my ex did, and we are no longer in touch. So I am not saying if you just understand him everything will be fine. But this guy sounds like he left because he was massively triggered and hurt. He probably didn't make a decision to "move on." The men in my friends' stories were in some limbo mental state where they sort of considered the r/s suspended while they were processing their immense hurt.

[hurting300]

If the question is, can he come back after 10 weeks of silence -- yes. It happens. Someone I know from here reunited with her uBPD partner after 6 months of complete silence; another after a year. It took very very slow non-judgmental contact. No discussion about the relationship. Like approaching a feral cat.

My ex was silent with me for 10 weeks last year. I reached out with a sort of apology for what I'd said that triggered him. He responded sort of nastily, we went back and forth, ultimately he warmed and we moved forward. Until he did things that deeply hurt me, that I couldn't swallow and maintain any self respect.

So if you're asking about his intentions, I'd say he could easily not have "moved on." Many pwBPD might have found a new r/s but the men my friends reunited with had not. For what it's worth.

Whether you should be done and can decide to move on is different. But out of kindness I'd suggest not using that term in announcing it. That will hurt him enormously. Why not just say, if you feel that way, something like "I didn't want this, but it seems like I have to accept that you are not coming back. I don't feel I have any choice but to consider that our r/s is over. I'm so sad about that and I don't understand why it had to end this way, but I don't know what else to do. I really wish it could be different."

A peremptory "I've moved on" sounds like you've replaced him unfeelingly in short order, just what we hate when they do it.

Sorry it's so hard. In the end, I couldn't unconditionally tolerate everything my ex did, and we are no longer in touch. So I am not saying if you just understand him everything will be fine. But this guy sounds like he left because he was massively triggered and hurt. He probably didn't make a decision to "move on." The men in my friends' stories were in some limbo mental state where they sort of considered the r/s suspended while they were processing their immense hurt.

you are totally right.

[Loveofhislife]

Thank you so much, BPD Family. I have a heavy heart and a tired brain: too exhausted to write. But I wanted to thank you very much.

[hurting300]

Hey I'm going thru the same thing ok... just remember that they aren't happy right now either. And you can get that 're engagement even years later... I believe my ex with her drive by 's wanted to talk but was scared.

[Louise7777]

WOW, whats with the ST? There are many threads going on about it, seems epidemic! 

Im getting ST too, right now. Hes not BPD, he´s uPAPD. Loves to use ST. After I confronted him he stopped doing it for over a year but a couple of days ago he came back to his old pattern.

Regarding if its a breakup or not, I suggest another approach: you decide. You take control, analize if this is the kind of r/s you want. If its not, you decide its over. Yeah, I understand the guilt. But keep in mind you are being ignored and also, there has to be no agreement regarding this. I mean, it takes one to ask for a divorce. Its tough, I know. But I believe ST happens cause we let them have the control.

[hurting300]

This is true. I'm not allowing my ex too act like a spoiled child. Bad behavior will not be validated. I love her but not that much.

[Loveofhislife]

So, I took Patient and Clear's advice-I made the choice because it felt right, though I so value all the input on this thread. I tried telling "the rest of the story" in a new post about the Angry Child and the Silent Protector: below is an excerpt:

I sent him a text this week saying that I had to assume that 10 weeks of not speaking to me must mean the r/s is over, and I'm disappointed. DEAFENING SILENCE.

Yesterday my son in law happens to see him in an unrecognized car; said he looked "very nervous and very strange." We live in a large urban area, so it was a strange coincidence, and exbfBPD tried very hard to ignore my son's friendly waving. Shortly after, ExbfBPD starts texting nonsensical and very paranoid sounding texts to me and informs me he's moved and changed jobs and is living like a hermit.

This morning I have a missed call from exbfBPD--first time in 10 weeks. Later I receive texts of righteous indignation that his charges (on my card) have been reversed. I had followed legal and financial advice. Multiple times over 10 weeks I've told him he's put me in a very bad position.

Now he's shocked? Indignant?

[Indyan]

Regarding if its a breakup or not, I suggest another approach: you decide. You take control, analize if this is the kind of r/s you want. If its not, you decide its over. Yeah, I understand the guilt. But keep in mind you are being ignored and also, there has to be no agreement regarding this. I mean, it takes one to ask for a divorce. Its tough, I know. But I believe ST happens cause we let them have the control.

That's wisdom.

We need to remind ourselves of this sometimes.

Also, I read the other day "pwPBD don't have the mental health to lead the relationship. YOU do."

Each of us should read this at least once a day.

Today, it was a lawyer I spoke to who told me more or less the same.

If you want the relationship to be back on track, tell him so. If you move on, do it, but don't tell him, there's no point, you won't get a positive reaction for sure.

[hurting300]

Regarding if its a breakup or not, I suggest another approach: you decide. You take control, analize if this is the kind of r/s you want. If its not, you decide its over. Yeah, I understand the guilt. But keep in mind you are being ignored and also, there has to be no agreement regarding this. I mean, it takes one to ask for a divorce. Its tough, I know. But I believe ST happens cause we let them have the control.

That's wisdom.

We need to remind ourselves of this sometimes.

Also, I read the other day "pwPBD don't have the mental health to lead the relationship. YOU do."

Each of us should read this at least once a day.

Today, it was a lawyer I spoke to who told me more or less the same.

If you want the relationship to be back on track, tell him so. If you move on, do it, but don't tell him, there's no point, you won't get a positive reaction for sure.

how can we tell them if they disappear?

[Indyan]

Please bear in mind that he's mentally ill and does not function like the rest of us.

He's likely to go through victimization. He puts you in the sht and he's the one who complains.

I've been going through this for the last 3 months... .a nightmare.

3 weeks ago, after ST, verbal break ups etc, I told him that since he didn't want things to get back on track, I was free to chat online with guys (not my style, I just wanted him to realize the consequences of his actions).

He went wild, said "if it's my permission you want, I'm not giving it!"

But still, nothing has changed. I remain alone and desperate.

Not that I'm in the mood to start dating anyone though. And who would be interested in a woman with 2 kids, the yougest being 9 months old, whose daddy is a nutter? How could he even imagine that I could meet someone in my situation? That's ridiculous.

[Indyan]

how can we tell them if they disappear?

FB? Workplace? Through family member or friend?

There must be a way.

[hurting300]

how can we tell them if they disappear?

FB? Workplace? Through family member or friend?

There must be a way.

Her Facebook is deactivated. Her friends think I'm an abusive racist. Don't know her family. Tried with her sister but nothing. And our investigation says she isn't working. Believe me I've tried. My temper is getting very short.

[Indyan]

Her Facebook is deactivated. Her friends think I'm an abusive racist. Don't know her family. Tried with her sister but nothing. And our investigation says she isn't working. Believe me I've tried. My temper is getting very short.

You have no idea where she went? I mean, she needed a place to stay right? So it MUST be a friend's.

hat her friends think you're a racist doesn't matter, you can still show up there and DEMAND her address or phone number. Or can't you?

So you haven't seen the baby for 6 months?

[hurting300]

Her Facebook is deactivated. Her friends think I'm an abusive racist. Don't know her family. Tried with her sister but nothing. And our investigation says she isn't working. Believe me I've tried. My temper is getting very short.

You have no idea where she went? I mean, she needed a place to stay right? So it MUST be a friend's.

hat her friends think you're a racist doesn't matter, you can still show up there and DEMAND her address or phone number. Or can't you?

So you haven't seen the baby for 6 months?

yes I could show up with friends if I knew where she was. But my attorney's and the psychologist we hired warned that she can be very dangerous. I was told to lay low and disappear myself... Her writings and records show a lot of bad things. She's lived in 9 different cities and she's only 29. Changing names... .It's bad. She's not your typical BPD.