My realization on therapy and uPDs.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi guys!

I just woke up today thinking how the uPDs in my life still affect me. Long story short, it was my birthday a couple of days ago and I was ignored by uBPD relative and uPAPD xSO. I knew it would happen, but its still hurtful. Im in a tough spot for about the last month, my mom is sick and Im the one taking care of her. These uPDs know about it and they turn the back and hit you when you are most vulnerable. Thats incredibly sadistic.

What hit me as a lighting today is the realization that this wont ever minimally change, even if I apply tools, detach myself or if they go to therapy. I have to go NC completely and Im not sure I can.

Im sorry if I burst some bubbles here, but I dont think therapy works for them at all. In my limited experience, either they refuse any kind of treatment or they go to get ammo against you. I believe in miracles, but I also think the PD is not something "extra" that can be removed, its simply part of the personality and its what the person is. Boundaries and tools were just an exercise in futility, either they fight them or they apparently comply and then revert to the old patterns. Its just a game for them, while for us its suffering.

I was listening to a shrink on the radio and he was talking about change. How extremely hard it is, even if the person wants it. I dont see my uPDs wanting the slightest change, they are very attached to some patterns since childhood/ early teenage years. They are over 50 now, so it seems impossible.

Looking at my situation as an outsider, Im amazed at the level of cruelty and punishment they use. My uBPD relative is a raging sadistic, so people see it at some point. But the uPAPD fooled me for years, playing Mr Nice Guy, while he is cruel and hurtful. Thats insidious.

I just hope this new realization gives me strength to change my own ways, my passivity and cut the cord forever. Cause even by keeping minimal contact, they are so malignant and so full of rage that they find new ways to hurt.

I dont want to sound like a victim, I dont like that word, cause I see that I allowed and even encouraged (unknowingly) their behaviour. It was really weird how I got enraged myself and also frustrated. I need to take the power and control back. ASAP.

Thank you for reading, any comments/ advice appreciated!

[Louise7777]

Hi guys!

I just woke up today thinking how the uPDs in my life still affect me. Long story short, it was my birthday a couple of days ago and I was ignored by uBPD relative and uPAPD xSO. I knew it would happen, but its still hurtful. Im in a tough spot for about the last month, my mom is sick and Im the one taking care of her. These uPDs know about it and they turn the back and hit you when you are most vulnerable. Thats incredibly sadistic.

What hit me as a lighting today is the realization that this wont ever minimally change, even if I apply tools, detach myself or if they go to therapy. I have to go NC completely and Im not sure I can.

Im sorry if I burst some bubbles here, but I dont think therapy works for them at all. In my limited experience, either they refuse any kind of treatment or they go to get ammo against you. I believe in miracles, but I also think the PD is not something "extra" that can be removed, its simply part of the personality and its what the person is. Boundaries and tools were just an exercise in futility, either they fight them or they apparently comply and then revert to the old patterns. Its just a game for them, while for us its suffering.

I was listening to a shrink on the radio and he was talking about change. How extremely hard it is, even if the person wants it. I dont see my uPDs wanting the slightest change, they are very attached to some patterns since childhood/ early teenage years. They are over 50 now, so it seems impossible.

Looking at my situation as an outsider, Im amazed at the level of cruelty and punishment they use. My uBPD relative is a raging sadistic, so people see it at some point. But the uPAPD fooled me for years, playing Mr Nice Guy, while he is cruel and hurtful. Thats insidious.

I just hope this new realization gives me strength to change my own ways, my passivity and cut the cord forever. Cause even by keeping minimal contact, they are so malignant and so full of rage that they find new ways to hurt.

I dont want to sound like a victim, I dont like that word, cause I see that I allowed and even encouraged (unknowingly) their behaviour. It was really weird how I got enraged myself and also frustrated. I need to take the power and control back. ASAP.

Thank you for reading, any comments/ advice appreciated!

[Blimblam]

I think you right.

Can some change yes but it depends on severity and a willingness to change. 

You have seen the writing on the wall please get out if you can. 

The amount of trauma you received from dealing with them will be hard enough to overcome much less them.

Most of us here have been subjected to trauma and is likely the cause we got into relationships with borderlines in the first place. 

We all have learned to dissasociate in various ways to cope. 

Unlearning the abuse as someone who is not full blown pd is hard enough you are not responsible for caretaking for people who abuse you.

I'm sorry you are in this predicament. 

Save yourself!

[fromheeltoheal]

I dont see my uPDs wanting the slightest change, they are very attached to some patterns since childhood/ early teenage years.

There are similarities between personality disorders and alcoholism: both incurable conditions that can be held at bay with vigilance, but will pop up again if left untreated.  Alcoholics must 'hit bottom' as it's termed, I've got much more experience with chemical dependency than I do personality disorders, both with myself and other people; I'm not an alcoholic, someone who absolutely cannot stop using chemicals by force of will, but I definitely went pretty far down that rabbit hole in my youth.  Anyway, an alcoholic's bottom occurs when using chemicals to adjust his emotional state is more painful than not doing it, at which point he's lost because he doesn't yet have an alternative, so he becomes very humble, teachable and open to suggestion.  Same with personality disorders it would seem, although they can be just as insidious in that they exist to deny themselves, the denial is deep, and the person has to be in pretty bad pain to break through it; people with disorders are in pain all the time anyway, mine certainly was, so it would have to be extreme.  Will that happen?  My ex is almost 50 as well, and she's got decades of doing what she does, as do we all, and if it works don't fix it, however we define 'works'.  My ex relied on her physical attractiveness for most of her attachment ability, including that double D boob job, although the bloom is definitely off the rose as she approaches 50, so maybe that will be the genesis of change, maybe not, remembering there is no cure, just tools to keep the symptoms at bay.

My two cents... .

[Louise7777]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful responses. I feel so relieved when you comment and not dismiss my feelings... .Its the only place where I can get that. 

Blimblam, I appreciate your comments. Yep, I was pretty much abused (Id say ignored to be more acurate) while growing up. Alcoholic father, he was a screaming absence in my life. I guess thats why I choose unavailable men, who never please me or meet my emotional needs. I didnt realize that until VERY VERY recently. Yep, Im not caretaking either. Im done with relatives who used me as a "walking stick", leaning on me for many things and never aknowledging my needs (not even a simple rethorical "how are you doing?".

I find interesting that NPD/ HPD people just make me run. I have a natural rejection for them, I believe I was so drained by others needs that I eventually evolved in somebody who gets annoyed when somebody simply keeps talking about himself.  At least that´s some progress. 

Fromheretoheal, great points! I didnt see PDs under that light. As a daughter of an alcoholic father, I can understand the dynamics.

" My ex is almost 50 as well, and she's got decades of doing what she does, as do we all, and if it works don't fix it, however we define 'works'"

You are right. And when it doesnt work (whatever their definition is) they just move on to another target and leave us there, drained and destroyed. My xSO is addicted to medication. I even told him that. Of course he denied it. But since he is uPAPD and a religious guy, he has to find something legal, Mr Nice Guy wiuldnt use illegal drugs or alcohol. He is entitled free therapy, but God forbids he ever goes on a session. I told him he shouldnt be afraid, they wont wrap him in a straight-jacket and lock him up ... .Yeah, that was mean. 

I had a friend (uHPD/ BPD) that seems similar to your ex: she is VERY histrionic and will do anything to look younger. Not surgery, but the clothes are more appropriate to her teenage daughter. Facebook is her playground, she flirts and finds married men there... Then the crying and drama cause they dont want a r/s with her. She´s approaching 50, so I think there´s a huge crisis about to arrive, she fishes for much younger men cause the older ones find her old (she only finds dysfunctional people). I diminished contact gradually and finally unfriended her. Got tired of her H traits and the rages on regular basis. 

I making some major "cuts" regarding people in my life. Thats improvement.