Update: RS? Gotta keep strong…really strong.

[Danie14]

This is where I’m at. I’m leaving him, planning but it’s going to take some time. Like at least another 8 months, I think. I’m waiting for my son to be 18 yrs old, well, trying to wait that long. I know 18 is not a magic number but for me it makes sense that he is considered a legal adult first then he has the absolute choice as to what he’s going to do…he’s not going to be *stuck* in a place that might not be the best for him. This is all based in my mind on the past abuse that my H has shown he’s capable of…I guess I have to admit it’s based on fear…and that’s all part of the whole.

So where I’m at right now. He, my H, knows. I haven’t said to him “I’m leaving you when son’s 18 yrs old” as that would create HELL in my life and in our son’s life…and of course in my H’s life…our daughters life (but she’s off at college now). But he knows. We’ve been arguing a great deal for at least a year. He’s been a true ___h***. It’d gotten to the point of me telling him to leave, that I’m done-done with this crap and he needs to leave. Which he’s agreed to do but will not actually DO anything to actually leave, to actually move out. We’ve been here before where he’s threatened to leave and I’d back down, you know the deal. But now I really am done. Really. And I think he’s finally getting it. Understanding. I’m done.

So he’s putting on the charm. Pulling out the stops. Being nice, loving, kind….wanting to do all the things I’ve always wanted. Talking about buying a house…which I’m not going to do with him at the point. No way no how is that going to happen. Wanting to go on vacation with me. I don’t want to go with him now. Asking me about why I’m not wearing my rings, I haven’t worn them for about 2 yrs now and he’s just now asking me about it. But not really asking just mentioning “Did you lose your rings?” to which I answered directly ‘no’ and he dropped it. I didn’t pick that topic up.

But it’s the being nice thing that’s really getting to me atm. Nice. Loving. Kind. These are things he is not, well, not consistently. I think it’s an effort for him to be this…but I could be wrong. Maybe he’s really changing this time…and….I have to not get sucked back in, I won’t get sucked back him because it’s all going to turn to crap anyway. I don’t want to do this again with him. I don’t trust him. I don’t trust this new ‘nice’ of his. I don’t buy it.

Ah, but I’m also a bleeding heart sucker. Lol, really I am. I am struggling with myself on this. I want to believe because that’s who I am at a fundamental level…and I don’t want to believe either…because…well, it’s come back to bite me in the you know what too many times in the past with him. Me believing when I’ve had no business believing… sigh…. I’m trying to walk the road and keep things relatively normal as I plan…and that kinda makes me feel bad, just the deviousness of the planning, and his hope for us…and breaking my kids hearts for family….and that fear. That gosh darn fear! It’s hateful. Fear of not knowing, of the what if’s, of the what should have been’s….all of it.

I don’t know that there’s a real question in any of this but if anyone has some good words for me I’d very much appreciate it.

[Mutt]

Hi Danie14,


First off, I'm sorry to hear things got to this point. That's tough. You're feeling a lot of anxiety, stress with having to make a real hard decision. You met him at 21 and have a long history together. You have probably been walking on eggshells for many years and been through a lot .

It’d gotten to the point of me telling him to leave, that I’m done-done with this crap and he needs to leave. Which he’s agreed to do but will not actually DO anything to actually leave, to actually move out.

He's not doing anything about it because he fears abandonment.

So he’s putting on the charm. Pulling out the stops. Being nice, loving, kind….wanting to do all the things I’ve always wanted. Talking about buying a house…which I’m not going to do with him at the point.

He fears abandonment. The pulling all of the stops is idealization.

Luckily, he's idealizing you right now, don't trigger his fear of abandonment. I understand the fears of leaving and the what if's, it's not easy.

As I said, talks about leaving are going to cause him to act out until he finds another attachment. He's triggered that's fact. What's the difference between now and 8 months? I understand wanting to keep the family together until the youngest is out of the house. Is it a matter of being fearful of being on your own? Getting finances in order?

I get the impression that you're both triggered and this has to be tremendous weight on you. If you want smoother sailing, talks about leaving should stop. There's some good advice you can follow to help you through the following months in this article if you choose to tough it out. The key is become boring:

Separating from "The Borderline" often involves three stages: The Detachment, Ending the Relationship, and the Follow-up Protection.

The Detachment

During this part of separating from "The Borderline", you recognize what you must do and create an Exit Plan. Many individuals fail in attempts to detach from "The Borderline" because they leave suddenly and impulsively, without proper planning, and without resources. In many cases, "The Borderline" has isolated their partner from others, has control of finances, or has control of major exit needs such as an automobile. During the detachment phase you should... .

- Observe the way you are treated. Watch for the methods listed above and see how "The Borderline" works.

- Gradually become more boring, talk less, share less feelings and opinions. The goal is almost to bore "The Borderline" to lessen the emotional attachment, at the same time not creating a situation which would make you a target.

- Quietly contact your family and supportive others. Determine what help they might be - a place to stay, protection, financial help, etc.

- If you fear violence or abuse, check local legal or law enforcement options such as a restraining order.

- If "The Borderline" is destructive, slowly move your valuables from the home if together, or try to recover valuables if in their possession. In many cases, you may lose some personal items during your detachment - a small price to pay to get rid of "The Borderline".

- Stop arguing, debating or discussing issues. Stop defending and explaining yourself - responding with comments such as "I've been so confused lately" or "I'm under so much stress I don't know why I do anything anymore".

- Begin dropping hints that you are depressed, burned out, or confused about life in general. Remember - "The Borderline" never takes responsibility for what happens in any relationship. "The Borderline" will feel better about leaving the relationship if they can blame it on you. Many individuals are forced to "play confused" and dull, allowing "The Borderline" to tell others "My girlfriend (or boyfriend) about half nuts!" They may tell others you're crazy or confused but you'll be safer. Allow them to think anything they want about you as long as you're in the process of detaching.

- Don't start another relationship. That will only complicate your situation and increase the anger. Your best bet is to "lay low" for several months. Remember, "The Borderline" will quickly locate another victim and become instantly attached as long as the focus on you is allowed to die down.

- As "The Borderline" starts to question changes in your behavior, admit confusion, depression, emotionally numbness, and a host of other boring reactions. This sets the foundation for the ending of the relationship.

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

[Tiepje3]

I don't know any answers, just want to show some sympathy. Hold on, be strong, stick to your decision. Whenever you're in doubt again about your decision, think back to all the bad stuff. In fact: make a list of it. Writing down everything that your H. did to you that a loving partner should not do or say to their partner helps you to stick to reality.

As you said: 18 is just an number. My kids are younger but very understanding of the fact that I could not put up with him anymore (especially the infidelity) but they are my kids, his stepchildren, so maybe that's different from your situation.

I really hope you're able to stick it out for the time being. It is hard, but you've come a long way already and you're still standing, so you must be strong enough to take the final step.

Stay strong!

[Danie14]

You know sometimes I think I’m just stalling for fear. But then I remember…that he’s unstable when he’s very upset. He’s willing to go to great lengths to ‘win’ in any situation. So…the difference between now and 8 months is my son’s going to be of legal age so can legally chose to leave the house and go where ever he wants. The courts cannot force him to spend time with his dad if he doesn’t want to spend that time with him.

And sometimes this thought of my makes me feel as if I’m…idk…putting this burden on my son’s shoulders. If I left my H when I first got the “I’m really done this time” conviction…well, we’d be in courts still hammering out the custody agreements…he’d be pulling out all the stops to 1) hurt me and 2) get me back….and so I can imagine that our son would be caught in the middle of all that, which I don’t want to happen. When this trigger is really fully pulled I can imagine I’ll be leaving the house because he won’t leave and my son will want to leave with me…because his dad’s a raving lunatic when he’s mad….and if my son’s 18 yrs old there’s not a cop in the world that can tell him he can’t leave….there’s not a court in the world that can make him spend time with his dad if he doesn’t want to…and it’s be solely his choice…which maybe a lot of pressure on my boy…because he loves his dad…but when it’s all said and done he’ll be a legal adult and can make his own decisions.

[Mutt]

But then I remember…that he’s unstable when he’s very upset.

because his dad’s a raving lunatic when he’s mad…

Remember this when he's trying to be nice. You know there's a Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde to him.

We have more possibilities available in each moment than we realize - Thich Nhat Hanh

We can't change the past or worry about the future. We can choose to live in the moment.

It sounds like you have things figured out with your son.

[Lucky Jim]

Ah, but I’m also a bleeding heart sucker. Lol, really I am. I am struggling with myself on this. I want to believe because that’s who I am at a fundamental level…and I don’t want to believe either…because…well, it’s come back to bite me in the you know what too many times in the past with him. Me believing when I’ve had no business believing… sigh

Hey Danie14, To some extent, I think all of us Nons are bleeding heart suckers, because you have to be, otherwise you wouldn't be in a r/s with a pwBPD.  You seem like a kind and compassionate person at some fundamental level, as you note, yet probably the same cannot be said for your H.  From what you are saying, you've been down this road before, as many of us have, and you know what you have to do.

Personally, I would argue that postponing the split only makes it that much harder down the line, but I understand that you have your reasons for staying and fears about the unknown.  I sure had my own and put the b/u off way past what was healthy for me.  I guess that's the bottom line: what is healthiest for you?  There's no good time to part ways and your son probably recognizes, or at least senses, the tension, which is hard on him, I suspect.

Try to listen to your gut feelings.  It's easy to get distracted by all sorts of logical and practical considerations.  Try to turn down all the voices in your head and pay attention to that pilot light that is still flickering somewhere inside.

Hang in there (I have been in your shoes),

Lucky Jim

[Danie14]

Thank you so much everyone for your thoughts.

Yes, postponing is making it harder, I recognize that... .and yet believe no matter when... .well, it's going to be hard whether it's now or later... .but I still am listening to my "head" more so than my "heart"... .heck, if I listened to my heart I'd have been gone years ago. Which is kinda sad when I think about it.

I just came across information on how to distinguish between your head and your heart, to know which one's talking to you. Which I've always had trouble with (I'm learning). Basically this literature says that if you argue with yourself then it's your head talking. If one side of that argument stirs a feeling of excitement, it's your head talking.

When I apply this to my internal argument I can literally feel... .idk, like an opening up (somehow) inside of me when I think of living alone. The argument comes in when I think about my kids, about him, about all the SHOULDS that I've had and held onto for so long in my life... .the ideas of what I believe marriage, love, family is all about. And then tension... .because my ideas seem to be wrong, somehow... .

He's accused me of cheating on him this weekend. Which is an oolllldddd argument... .or accusation that I don't even really respond to much anymore. I'm not sure why he's asking me this now... .I wonder if he's cheating now (again) or thinking about it. In the past he's told me he has either followed me or had me followed... .to which I have told him "so what? follow me I don't care... ." and I didn't care. I just thought (and told him) what a boring way to spend the afternoon.

It's the push/pull thing... .the RS... .and it's cased me to be numb mostly. but at the same time anxious, what's he going to do next? is this going to escalate or die down... .and I know it depends on how I 'handle' the situation... .and you know what? I'd just love, just for once (or maybe forevermore!) to not have to think like that... .to just do and be and say what I want without wondering or worrying how this or that will be looked at by him.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, Danie,

You write that you are constantly "wondering or worrying how this or that will be looked at by [your H]," which I regard as a good example of what it means to be Walking on Eggshells, which we have probably all done.  Hard to avoid this if you are in a r/s with a pwBPD.  I think you are on the right track, however, when imagining what it would be like to be authentic without fear of repercussions.  These days that's what I strive for -- authenticity -- after years of pretending that things were OK when they weren't in my marriage to my BPDxW.  I too have children with my Ex and understand the complicating factors and considerations when kids are in the picture.  Yet at the end of the day, in my view, it all boils down to whether you can be yourself in your r/s.  If not, then maybe it's time to make a change . . . at least that's what my gut feeling is.

Lucky Jim

[Danie14]

authentic without fear of repercussions

Yes, this is what I want in my life. I try very hard not to walk on eggshells and did well for a while, but somehow I've slipped back into this way of life... .this way of thinking.