Splitting

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi All,

I have my views on BPD and splitting from the reading I have done.  I was wondering if anyone had a view of what it is from a pwBPD's perspective that drives it.  I am trying to get my head around the whole all good / all bad phenominan.  It is one aspect that is driving me crazy trying to understand why I must be all bad.

Is it so that her actions are justifiable in dropping me?

Is it so that she doesnt have to admit I am a good person and a mistake was made in leaving me?

Is it to justify her actions so she doesnt feel shame?

I am just struggling lately with this one issue with some things that have been said about me.  I am at a loss and any input with how you found it occuring (nuteral here please not a flame) would be appreciated. 

I do still care for her in many respects and know its only going to cause pain to try and 'save' her and all of that other stuff that was initially going through my head.  In many respects I still recognise that I love her and I do have a fair bit of guilt to work through on my end with things I could have done differently.  My issues there that I recognise, I am just struggling to understand why I must be all bad. 

Thankyou for your perspectives. 


AJJ. 

[Aussie JJ]

Hi All,

I have my views on BPD and splitting from the reading I have done.  I was wondering if anyone had a view of what it is from a pwBPD's perspective that drives it.  I am trying to get my head around the whole all good / all bad phenominan.  It is one aspect that is driving me crazy trying to understand why I must be all bad.

Is it so that her actions are justifiable in dropping me?

Is it so that she doesnt have to admit I am a good person and a mistake was made in leaving me?

Is it to justify her actions so she doesnt feel shame?

I am just struggling lately with this one issue with some things that have been said about me.  I am at a loss and any input with how you found it occuring (nuteral here please not a flame) would be appreciated. 

I do still care for her in many respects and know its only going to cause pain to try and 'save' her and all of that other stuff that was initially going through my head.  In many respects I still recognise that I love her and I do have a fair bit of guilt to work through on my end with things I could have done differently.  My issues there that I recognise, I am just struggling to understand why I must be all bad. 

Thankyou for your perspectives. 


AJJ. 

[Wood stock]

I too have experienced the splitting phenomenon.   I was just recently thinking to myself exactly what you said--painting the non-partner as ugly and horrible makes it easier for the BPD to justify to him/herself how horrible they have treated us. And it helps them to convince their parents and family members that they were "right" in leaving/mistreating us. It is, like the other traits of BPD, part of the manipulation--part of the "game."

It is up to us to not play into the game anymore. To know who we are and know all the good we have done and all that we have tolerated... .the BPD partner may convince others and him/herself that we are the "bad" ones--but we cannot allow them to convince us that we are the "bad" ones. 

Another thought: what makes us "bad" is usually the fact that we demand honesty and fairness and reasonable responses to everyday issues... .well, if that's our "fault"... .I don't know about you, but I'm okay with it.   

Boundaries and expectations... .the BPD has none for him/herself--therefore, he/she certainly can't respect the boundaries and expectations of others.

[Blimblam]

I think it's just a way for them to project their shame and dissasociate from it. The important thing for me to accept is that I am not the source of her pain and shame. I struggle with regrets when things began to sour sometimes wishing I could go back and just tell her to shut up and give her a big hug.

[SlyQQ]

It is not really all good or all bad there is devalueing as well normal scenario is something will start them pulling back it may be a psuedo victory or any manner of such they will then start looking around you are not the ( demi godlike ) figure you once were but there will normally have to be a suitable replacement to be found durring this phase she might play with you a bit ( mainly for the thrill of it ) but will hide things pretty well when they are confident they can then leave you but you are not black you are nothing which is probably worse UNLESS durring this phase you cross them or threaten them in this scenario you are immediately painted black and the mild sledging your partner may have participated ( sledging = dissing ) in paving the way for her departure will snap into immediate and terrible attacks that for the uniniatiated are different to comprehend it is an interesting trio hate is not the oppisite to love they say indifference is  and so after the snap into hate you can even go back to "love " for want of a better name then indifference etc etc