Adult daughter has BPD and has a daughter. She has not spoken to me for 3 years

[TheArtist01]

Hi, I raised my daughter on my own.  Gave her all the love she needed, praise, private school education, violin lessons and I worked night shift so I could provide for everything she needed and saved to give ourselves and her grandfather a beautiful home.  So sadly, my Dad whom I looked after in my own home would often criticize me in front of her, and she learned to criticize me as well.  I asked him not to so many times but he kept doing it.  That's just the way he was.  He was like that with my mother as well.

When my daughter was around 10 years of age, she started putting me down and she would get very angry over the smallest of things.  She would never tidy her room, and always expected me to supply her with all of her needs which I did. I always tried to make up for the fact she didn't have a father.

It was when she turned 14 that I discovered she had started self harming. She blamed me I found out with notes she wrote and left under her bed. She said how embarrassed she was that her mother drove an old car when her school mates parents drove 4 wheel drives.  She blamed me for sending her to a private school, saying she would not have been bullied had she gone to a state school.

I never had a relationship with a man the whole time she was growing up. I didn't want her to ever feel insecure or put her personal safety at risk. She told me when she was 18 that I was the perfect mother.  Also that her friends loved me. Then it all went very bad. She had relationships with men who verbally and physically abused her. She would ring me in tears at all hours of the night and morning to come and take her home. I ended up having 3 heart attacks and 3 bouts of cancer. I lived my life for her always. Unconditional love. Then when I became very ill she said "it's not all about you Mum". I told her it never had been.

She married a man who told her she was no longer to have contact with me or her grandfather. Sadly, that is what she has done.  I last saw my granddaughter when she was three.  We had a beautiful relationship, walking through bushland reserves, painting each others faces and both trying to do the "moonwalk". The last time I saw my daughter and granddaughter was 3 years ago.  My granddaughter's face, when she saw me come up the stairs was something I will never forget. Her little body shook with excitement and said "Nana, pick up, not put down". I held her for more than an hour and my daughter got very angry and said "why isn't she like that with me?" I tried to explain to her it was a Nana/Granddaughter thing but she did not understand.

When my Dad died and I fell apart, she got very angry with me and told me "the next funeral you can organise". She is under the Department of Childrens Services programme (she never told me why) but the last words she spoke to me were "I have been advised to cut all ties with you".  That was the last thing she said to me.

I gave her everything I could, all the love, praise, good food.  All I could. I built a beautiful home for her, and my Dad. Now they both are gone, she doesn't ring me. I have no contact no. for her. No address details and when I try to do a welfare check on her, the police advise me it is "a breach of her privacy". I cannot understand how she can treat me this way, and has not allowed me to have contact with her or my granddaughter. The two of them are the only family I have left in the world. She was always an extremely vain girl, but every right to be. Beautiful looking, a model (when she wanted to be) but never stayed in a job for more than 2 weeks.  Each week I would deposit $300 into her bank account to help her pay rent and buy food for her and bub.

Her exhusband would not pay maintenance however she ended up moving interstate and living near him and his family. The psychologist she had a few years ago diagnosed her with BPD and possible bipolar.  I suffer from chronic depression now and have extreme difficulties just getting through each day. I have tried many times to contact her but to no avail.  I miss her and bub so very, very much. I don't want to die without every seeing them again.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Ziggiddy]

 TheArtist01

Your story moved me.

I am so sorry for the pain and struggle you are going through.

I do not have grandchildren but I see all the time how very special that bond is and I can understand how much it must hurt you to not have contact for so long.

Also the distress you have in trying to understand what has happened between you and your daughter.

It also sounds like you are feeling a lot of unresolved feelings about your father - grief at his death and pain that he could criticise you publicly - all while trying your best to supply everyone with everything.

While you have been busy caring for all their needs, have you found time to care for your own, Artist?

We can easily think that family should stick together and assist one another but more and more it just doesn't seem to happen that way.

Whilst it is a sad shame to be on the outside of your daughter and granddaughter's lives it doesn't necessarily mean that things won't change. In the meantime are you able to do some things for yourself to help you to keep from dwelling too much on the things that are hurting you?

It's understandable to feel grief and loss but it is also useful to try and get proper rest and comfort.

You mentioned how you made a good house for your relatives - do you still have it? you also said you fed good food to your daughter - are you feeding good food to yourself? Going out for a walk when you can? Socialising with uplifting people?

I can understand with depression that these things are hard. Are you able to access any help from health services in your area?

I hope you will tell us more of your story.

Ziggiddy

[NorthernGirl]

Hello TheArtist01. I'll join Ziggiddy in welcoming you to our community 

I'm sorry you have been through such pain and loss. The combination of losing your father and then losing all contact with your daughter and granddaughter must be taking its toll of you. As Ziggiddy has said, its difficult to focus on yourself with all that has gone on around you, but it is also very important. You have more strength in you than you know -- just given what you've been through. Using that strength to build yourself back up is one of the most loving things you could do now.

Please keep posting and telling us your story. We've got great people and material that can help you learn and move forward on your journey.

[livednlearned]

Hi TheArtist01,

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, and so much cancer, plus the depression, and then to lose your daughter and granddaughter as well. It's a one-two-three-four and five punch. Your daughter sounds like she is struggling. Can you find out why the Department of Child Services are involved? Do you think your dad might've had a personality disorder?

When a child suffers from BPD (even our adult child), not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but often, so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness can severely affect everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. The good news is that there are answers to these problems, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you find them. A great place to start is with this set of resources: What can a parent do? We look forward to seeing you on the Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD board and hope you join us.

There are many mothers with BPD daughters who grieve what is happening with grandchildren, too. You're not alone. 

LnL

[lever.]

I would like to join the others in welcoming you.

You have been through such a lot and I very much agree with Northern girl that the best place to start is by building yourself up, looking after your health and trying to do one thing that you will enjoy every day.

I really hope that you will join us on the parent's board. It is helpful in building yourself up to be able to talk to people who have some idea what you are going through.

There are ways of approaching an estranged adult child that have more chance of being successful than others and we could talk about that.

However it is very likely that you would get knock backs along the way and perhaps be on the receiving end of undeserved angry responses-so it is best to be feeling strong before embarking on trying for reconciliation.

Please join us on the parents board-there are others of us with adult children and grandchildren and we want to help.