I want to reach out

[Deeno02]

To her ex husband and let him know we arent seeing each other any more, which Im sure he already knows from the kids. Also want to tell him he's a stud for putting up with her for 15 years before bailing, where I couldnt get past 16 months...

[Swiggle]

I was married to my ex for almost 11 years, together for 15. When I met him he was engaged to a highschool sweetheart. He never talked poorly about her just that he didn't love her anymore, that he was pressured into getting engaged and that is was over long before I came along. After what I've learned over the past year or so, I have wanted to reach out to her just to hear the other side, and apologize for seeing him knowing he was committed. I'm not sure that would go over well so i've refrained. But the nagging curiosity of wanting to validate what I think happened gets teh best of me sometimes.

[Deeno02]

I was married to my ex for almost 11 years, together for 15. When I met him he was engaged to a highschool sweetheart. He never talked poorly about her just that he didn't love her anymore, that he was pressured into getting engaged and that is was over long before I came along. After what I've learned over the past year or so, I have wanted to reach out to her just to hear the other side, and apologize for seeing him knowing he was committed. I'm not sure that would go over well so i've refrained. But the nagging curiosity of wanting to validate what I think happened gets teh best of me sometimes.

Exactly. My BPD/gf made him out to be a giant jackass, again 2 sides to every story, but still stalks him on FB and Instagram and b___es and complains about who he is with and where he is eating. God I caught ear fulls on that. Told her I didnt think it was a good idea for her to do so, but I was yelled at for bringing it up. Yet, at our b/u, I was accused of not being over my ex-wife... .wow... .

[Pingo]

Deeno, I have had these thoughts too, actually discussed it with his brother's wife as she was friends with the first wife.  They were together many years until my ex got a brain injury and then left her 9 mths later.  My ex SIL thought it might be therapeutic for both of us.

These are the reasons I haven't and most likely won't:

She has moved on with her life, she's engaged to a new guy and I wouldn't want to dig up all this crap for her.  If she spent that many more years with him than I did and I'm having this much difficulty dealing with it I can only imagine what she went through. Let sleeping dogs lie. 

The other reason is bc I don't want to give my ex any possible reason to contact me.  If I reach out to the ex wife she will most likely tell her kids (grown) and the one that is still in contact with her Dad will then tell him... .it would just stir up trouble any way I look at it.  I don't trust him to not retaliate for doing it.  He'd see it as a smear campaign. And at this point I don't want one more iota of drama.  So I will leave it alone.  If she ever reaches out to me I'd be more than happy to talk with her.

[Deeno02]

Deeno, I have had these thoughts too, actually discussed it with his brother's wife as she was friends with the first wife.  They were together many years until my ex got a brain injury and then left her 9 mths later.  My ex SIL thought it might be therapeutic for both of us.

These are the reasons I haven't and most likely won't:

She has moved on with her life, she's engaged to a new guy and I wouldn't want to dig up all this crap for her.  If she spent that many more years with him than I did and I'm having this much difficulty dealing with it I can only imagine what she went through. Let sleeping dogs lie.  

The other reason is bc I don't want to give my ex any possible reason to contact me.  If I reach out to the ex wife she will most likely tell her kids (grown) and the one that is still in contact with her Dad will then tell him... .it would just stir up trouble any way I look at it.  I don't trust him to not retaliate for doing it.  He'd see it as a smear campaign. And at this point I don't want one more iota of drama.  So I will leave it alone.  If she ever reaches out to me I'd be more than happy to talk with her.

Which is why Im letting that dog sleep. Not worth it to compare notes or anything. Just was a funny thought now that the FOG is clearing away. He seems really happy now with an old HS girlfriend of his and Im not going to harsh his mellow. He has to deal with the ex on his own accord. Im staying out.

And I dont want her to retaliate against my son, whom she coaches in high school.

[seeking balance]

To her ex husband and let him know we arent seeing each other any more, which Im sure he already knows from the kids. Also want to tell him he's a stud for putting up with her for 15 years before bailing, where I couldnt get past 16 months...

This is natural - none of us want to feel alone and we certainly don't like it when our reality we thought we had seems to be a bit different than we thought.

Good for you not reaching out and processing your emotions here - that is what this board is great for.

When I was in your shoes - I spent a lot of time rereading the 10 False Beliefs - I could almost always point to one of those when I was wanting to react in some way that didn't seem logical to me.

These are found in this article:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Peace,

SB

[Deeno02]

To her ex husband and let him know we arent seeing each other any more, which Im sure he already knows from the kids. Also want to tell him he's a stud for putting up with her for 15 years before bailing, where I couldnt get past 16 months...

This is natural - none of us want to feel alone and we certainly don't like it when our reality we thought we had seems to be a bit different than we thought.

Good for you not reaching out and processing your emotions here - that is what this board is great for.

When I was in your shoes - I spent a lot of time rereading the 10 False Beliefs - I could almost always point to one of those when I was wanting to react in some way that didn't seem logical to me.

These are found in this article:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Peace,

SB

Nah, there was no point. Hes trying to move on to. Its the other guys problem, not ours. Thanks for the article!

[hope2727]

Deeno don't reach out. I almost did yesterday and it turns out its good I didn't. He posted the new profile pic of him and his new girl (who looks like me) this afternoon. Sigh Don't touch the kryptonite.

[Deeno02]

Deeno don't reach out. I almost did yesterday and it turns out its good I didn't. He posted the new profile pic of him and his new girl (who looks like me) this afternoon. Sigh Don't touch the kryptonite.

I wasnt going to reach out to her, but her ex husband, kind of a dude I feel your pain, no wonder you left her, type of thing. Im not going to waste my time. Plus I dont want him to drudge up old scars as he's trying to put his like in order again. And you need to stay off FB. Your not doing yourself any favors looking at that stuff!