Fell for it over again. I'm an idiot Vent.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So on Halloween night exBPDbf texts his friend to say "i know everything now, why you been lieing to me bud" (obviously he means that his found that me and his friend hang out now and again and yes we should of told BPDEX but we don't know how he might of took it, him being male and me being female and me being BPD ex etc... funny how BPD never text me though. Me and his friend DO NOT see eachother in that way. I told him to leave it for tonight let him cool off. Next day about 4pm he calls us both, i answer first he accuses me of a fling with his friend, betraying him, so his friend says he'll go round and talk to him, i was panicking i don't know why, maybe scared of BPD? Me and his friend just meet up now and again like we've met 5 times in the space of 4 months, not that often and go to the pub as we are both quite isolated and feel left out by BPD because of his new supply but yes i know we should of told BPD. So we apologized and explained stuff, sorted. On the night his friend spoke to him me and BPD arranged to go out earlier in the week on that night so the friend came with us as BPD asked him to. Also he'd arranged for another friend to come out with us who was coming later and apparently wanted me to go home when this friend came because he couldn't be bothered with me and he can pull girls with this other friend.

All night BPD painted us black, at the moment with exBPD i've been consumed back into a recycle and we are just taking things slow, seeing where it goes, we're just going through a rough patch bla bla bla... .(in the words of BPD) but no action. So all night he just buggers off here, there and everywhere. I spoke up to the first pub we went to and said "i thought we were meant to be talking about things" and BPD "we already have with to - friend so drop it". So yeah all night BPD just buggers off here, there and everywhere, because apparently when he's drunk he just wants to be social and forgets about the group he's actually come out with. Strange every single person he chatted to was a girl, with a skirt up her bum and him saying he works at ... .when actually his friend works there, cause he's so ashamed of that he just has no life, doesn't work, doesn't do anything apart from going to mental health groups, appointments, to sex groups in the pub and then locks himself away on his Xbox. he was all over them. He said he feels locked in a cage when his on a night out with me cause he seen the rage in my face when i saw him talking to other girls (i didn't say anything" in fact i even played his game and got chatting to the girls myself being all friendly and nice. He's added them on Facebook as-well which he seems to do on all nights out because he just wants loads of friends, YEAH RIGHT, more like more supply so you can get your feed.

He never chatted to us all night, then accuses us the next day that we were buggering off together and dancing. Oh sorry EXBPD i didn't know the sociel rules was to leave your actual friends, chat up girls infront of the girl you've apparently started having feelings  for again (me) and just leave us to sit there, hell with you we're gonna have a good night and dance. Then by the end of the night he was sitting in the corner of the club, on his phone, in shame he didn't get to pull no one and i went up to him and said "are you ok, whats up" and he said "nothing leave me alone, i'm alright". Thought he'd rage so i left him to it but kept an eye on him. Then he went and said he's going to another club without us so we just let him go, but few mins later my love for him kicked in and i phoned him twice, worried about him, as he was alone, he was stone drunk, he didn't know where he was going so told him to come in the taxi with us and go home, he did. Apparently when him and his friend got out the taxi BPD raged that "i'm sick of her attitude, i'm sick of her being obsessed with me blah blah blah".

Since that night and after the years I've been through with him I've never felt so low, i was so hurt and by my own rejection and abandonment issues i wanted to take my life. His friends told me what he's like and the unforgivable stuff he's done, but to see everything in action, in front of your own eyes. I cant even say to BPD "you hurt me last night etc... " cause he can't validate, he cant empathize and that's more frustrating. For two days i stayed in, curtains closed and just watched Netflix all day, never washed or anything, i felt so much guilt that i should of told him and by the way i was treated, the monster he is, i'm certain he is possessed by the devil LOL! He is disgusting. After everything he's done behind my back to me, the most worst things you could imagine i feel like turning around and saying "i know everything you've done to me" but he'll just deny it anyway or make up some crap and i can't be bothered with it.

I just live in a world that when i'm with him, i doubt my every action, even living, i'm like "is it normal to be sitting on the xbox all day at home with my curtains closed and being social online" Which i never do because i have no interest in it. But i just doubt everything i do and i just cant pluck up the courage to him and say "get out my life, stay out you piece of scum, i know everything you've done" and when i do but on a more mutual level he comes back and recycles and then two weeks later belittles me again. When i'm around him i get so much anxiety, we have no interests we hare to talk about, yeah we have a laugh, but we are not compatible, i've told this BPD but he says we are "we're just going through a rough patch" - yeah we have been since day one BPD haven't we". I do it to myself i know, only i can break the spell, i just came here to rant. I really don't want to go back to him this time, that night was just so painful and hurtful. Maybe I'm over sensitive? Sometimes i just want to move away, take our daughter and move down South, change my phone number and all that so shes not around him, his mind games, his rejection of her and his Narcissistic mother. But that would be taking her away from my family as-well and that would be very wrong so its not an option. But anything just to get away from this man. Childish crap.

Sorry vent over!

[Climbmountains91]

So on Halloween night exBPDbf texts his friend to say "i know everything now, why you been lieing to me bud" (obviously he means that his found that me and his friend hang out now and again and yes we should of told BPDEX but we don't know how he might of took it, him being male and me being female and me being BPD ex etc... funny how BPD never text me though. Me and his friend DO NOT see eachother in that way. I told him to leave it for tonight let him cool off. Next day about 4pm he calls us both, i answer first he accuses me of a fling with his friend, betraying him, so his friend says he'll go round and talk to him, i was panicking i don't know why, maybe scared of BPD? Me and his friend just meet up now and again like we've met 5 times in the space of 4 months, not that often and go to the pub as we are both quite isolated and feel left out by BPD because of his new supply but yes i know we should of told BPD. So we apologized and explained stuff, sorted. On the night his friend spoke to him me and BPD arranged to go out earlier in the week on that night so the friend came with us as BPD asked him to. Also he'd arranged for another friend to come out with us who was coming later and apparently wanted me to go home when this friend came because he couldn't be bothered with me and he can pull girls with this other friend.

All night BPD painted us black, at the moment with exBPD i've been consumed back into a recycle and we are just taking things slow, seeing where it goes, we're just going through a rough patch bla bla bla... .(in the words of BPD) but no action. So all night he just buggers off here, there and everywhere. I spoke up to the first pub we went to and said "i thought we were meant to be talking about things" and BPD "we already have with to - friend so drop it". So yeah all night BPD just buggers off here, there and everywhere, because apparently when he's drunk he just wants to be social and forgets about the group he's actually come out with. Strange every single person he chatted to was a girl, with a skirt up her bum and him saying he works at ... .when actually his friend works there, cause he's so ashamed of that he just has no life, doesn't work, doesn't do anything apart from going to mental health groups, appointments, to sex groups in the pub and then locks himself away on his Xbox. he was all over them. He said he feels locked in a cage when his on a night out with me cause he seen the rage in my face when i saw him talking to other girls (i didn't say anything" in fact i even played his game and got chatting to the girls myself being all friendly and nice. He's added them on Facebook as-well which he seems to do on all nights out because he just wants loads of friends, YEAH RIGHT, more like more supply so you can get your feed.

He never chatted to us all night, then accuses us the next day that we were buggering off together and dancing. Oh sorry EXBPD i didn't know the sociel rules was to leave your actual friends, chat up girls infront of the girl you've apparently started having feelings  for again (me) and just leave us to sit there, hell with you we're gonna have a good night and dance. Then by the end of the night he was sitting in the corner of the club, on his phone, in shame he didn't get to pull no one and i went up to him and said "are you ok, whats up" and he said "nothing leave me alone, i'm alright". Thought he'd rage so i left him to it but kept an eye on him. Then he went and said he's going to another club without us so we just let him go, but few mins later my love for him kicked in and i phoned him twice, worried about him, as he was alone, he was stone drunk, he didn't know where he was going so told him to come in the taxi with us and go home, he did. Apparently when him and his friend got out the taxi BPD raged that "i'm sick of her attitude, i'm sick of her being obsessed with me blah blah blah".

Since that night and after the years I've been through with him I've never felt so low, i was so hurt and by my own rejection and abandonment issues i wanted to take my life. His friends told me what he's like and the unforgivable stuff he's done, but to see everything in action, in front of your own eyes. I cant even say to BPD "you hurt me last night etc... " cause he can't validate, he cant empathize and that's more frustrating. For two days i stayed in, curtains closed and just watched Netflix all day, never washed or anything, i felt so much guilt that i should of told him and by the way i was treated, the monster he is, i'm certain he is possessed by the devil LOL! He is disgusting. After everything he's done behind my back to me, the most worst things you could imagine i feel like turning around and saying "i know everything you've done to me" but he'll just deny it anyway or make up some crap and i can't be bothered with it.

I just live in a world that when i'm with him, i doubt my every action, even living, i'm like "is it normal to be sitting on the xbox all day at home with my curtains closed and being social online" Which i never do because i have no interest in it. But i just doubt everything i do and i just cant pluck up the courage to him and say "get out my life, stay out you piece of scum, i know everything you've done" and when i do but on a more mutual level he comes back and recycles and then two weeks later belittles me again. When i'm around him i get so much anxiety, we have no interests we hare to talk about, yeah we have a laugh, but we are not compatible, i've told this BPD but he says we are "we're just going through a rough patch" - yeah we have been since day one BPD haven't we". I do it to myself i know, only i can break the spell, i just came here to rant. I really don't want to go back to him this time, that night was just so painful and hurtful. Maybe I'm over sensitive? Sometimes i just want to move away, take our daughter and move down South, change my phone number and all that so shes not around him, his mind games, his rejection of her and his Narcissistic mother. But that would be taking her away from my family as-well and that would be very wrong so its not an option. But anything just to get away from this man. Childish crap.

Sorry vent over!

[Climbmountains91]

Bump!