Newly separated from BPD Husband

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My BPD spouse just moved out a couple of weeks ago at my request. We have been together for 25 years. We had an in house separation for over a year due to his impulsive acting out.  He wanted to make it work and we were in IC for this entire year and yet no changes to the behavior that were real.  I found out he is BPD during this time which explained so much about my marriage or lack of one.  I have gotten to the point now where I am just spent, used up.  I feel like he has sucked out my essence and left the shell. He has done all the crappy things possible and yet I miss him right now!  Just so stupid.     . I need to stand strong and have some self preservation and respect. Goodness this is hard.  Why is it so hard for me to do this when I know it is the right thing to do?

[Painterly2014]

My BPD spouse just moved out a couple of weeks ago at my request. We have been together for 25 years. We had an in house separation for over a year due to his impulsive acting out.  He wanted to make it work and we were in IC for this entire year and yet no changes to the behavior that were real.  I found out he is BPD during this time which explained so much about my marriage or lack of one.  I have gotten to the point now where I am just spent, used up.  I feel like he has sucked out my essence and left the shell. He has done all the crappy things possible and yet I miss him right now!  Just so stupid.     . I need to stand strong and have some self preservation and respect. Goodness this is hard.  Why is it so hard for me to do this when I know it is the right thing to do?

[outside9x]

Hi,  well, I was married for 34 years, and she left, no she wasn't BPD, my ex GF was, big time, over 2 1/2 years of raging , projection, demands, etc, etc.  I was ripe for the killing so to speak...

I say this so you know, I understand this is not easy at all.  You are facing , even living in a terrible situation, with being with someone that long, just separation fears once you separate whether it was terrible hurts, or not. 

Then double the fact that he is BPD, and there is that special bond between you and your BPDh. 

Try to think of it right now, like an addiction. You will miss him, it's normal and it really sucks bad.  It does, but after all this time, you really have to start to think of you, your life.  You deserve to find happiness and the peace and joy you want. 

It won't be easy, but it's there, and it's never too late, never.  I speak from experience. 

Get help if possible and stay on this board.  Lots of people here with wonderful insight that can help you and you can see that many of your experiences other experienced the same.  It is amazingly similar , and you can draw strength from here. 

You will need it as you question yourself and decide (pain aside) what is really right for you.

I wish you the best .  It's very hard to live with a BPD especially if to tried your best, and hung in there and you have.  So know that you did a lot to make it work.

Take care! 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey painterly, Separation is hard, no doubt, but what's harder is living with a pwBPD.  My BPDxW and i separated and subsequently divorced after 16 years of marriage, which at times was a hellish ordeal for me.  Like you, I felt completely depleted at the time of our split.  I tried as hard as I could for as long as I could (we have two kids together), until there was nothing left in the tank.  I felt lost in a dark wood with no clear path out, and forgot who I was for a while there, which was no fun.  My suggestion is to figure out what is right for you, and it seems like you have already reached some conclusions about that subject.  Now, I strive to be authentic after pretending things were OK when they were not.  Be yourself and you'll be fine.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Don't overthink it.   

LuckyJim

[Painterly2014]

Thank you for the encouragement.  Outside, you're are right it is like an addiction and scarey withdrawals.  I am going to try and keep that in mind when the pain comes.  I don't want to backtrack.  From what I have read if they think you will tolerate something they keep upping the ante. The possibilities of what that would would mean boggle the mind.  Lucky, I do over think everything looking for any possible way to fix, make better, etc.  just need to let it go.