Just can't seem to do it

[chillamom]

Hi, folks,

I was on this board a while back, and like many here, got vacuumed back into a relationship that I know damn well I should have been done and out of years ago.  I am trying once again to extricate myself and maybe just need some tips and support for actually DOING IT this time (please, please... .)  Briefly... .6 years together, he is much younger than I, has been diagnosed with a SLEW of issues BPD included, my kids can't stand him, we're going no where but he guilts me into staying.  I actually read with envy many of the posts on here that allude to partners that leave for other relationships so easily... .HE WON'T GO.  I broke up with him in March of this year and he ended up in a psych hospital, released and UNMEDICATED since that time.  Emotionally and verbally abusive (but he has TRIED to get better), manipulative, accusatory, you guys know the drill.  Long story short... .I can't have more children, and he is trying to convince me to marry him and basically enter into a polyamorous relationship where he would find some other woman to bear his children and we would all live under the same roof.  Needless to say, I don't want this is any way and have told him over and over that I just can't do it.  He tells me to just "think about it some more" and I usually give in and say I will just so I can shut him up and sleep (I usually get like 3 or 4 hours of sleep when he's around, and I work full time, so I'm typically barely functional.Well, tried to break up again last night and he is putting the guilt on full force.  Crying, blubbering really, saying he has nothing and no one in the world but me (which is actually somewhat true).  I say things I don't mean, scream at him so loudly that I cough up blood, and basically act like a madwoman myself.  So shamed.  I have a therapist, who says GO.  Everyone in my life says GO. There is no future!  I am not going to live in a polyamorous relationship!  My therapist suggested that maybe I go to couples counseling with him to try to at least give him a safe landing from the relationship, which I really have no intention of preserving, but I don't know if that makes sense.  I just want out but I feel like I have his blood on my hands already.  What do I do?  Should I stay just to hold him together even though he's tearing me apart?  I can't bear to hurt someone this badly.  Should I give in to his requests for one more chance?  I am just a mess... .and would be grateful for advice from anyone who has been trying to leave for a long while and finally DOES it.  Without their partner dying in the process,because I am afraid he will really hurt himself... .or me.

[CareTaker]

Chillamon, my case worked like this. We where together for 3 years. Geez, wasted years.

I knew after 3 weeks I had to get out, but just wanted to stay a bit longer. She really is pretty and she really knows how to make me feel good.

I think after about 12 months I was confused and typed in on google: girlfriend with very bad mood.

For the first time in my life, I came across BPD. But as I read, I was quite happy, because she never had ALL the symptoms.

The relationship was a mess. Constant degrading. Her favourite fighting ground was in a restaurant, and we ate out at least 2 or 3 times a week.

Then the beginning of this year she started putting on the pressure. She is 34 and wanted a baby. We can get married as well, but lets try and get her pregnant. I started to panic. By July she had decided it is time to jump the condoms. She also needed a car, my house was just ok, so we should look for a better one. She also decided to stop working, and I finance a business she wants to run from home. This is a women who has no work record, apart from the job she has for the past 18 months. But I must add she took 36 days sick leave in the first 12 months, so her company told her, no more paid leave.

At that stage I was so depressed, and I was too scared to touch her. Realizing I was planning an escape, she one day sent me the sweetest email telling me of how she is no longer putting pressure on me, and we must just take it slow and work on our relationship. BUT, still no condoms.

When I got home that evening, we discussed it and it ended in a huge fight. She has this ability to remember everything I did wrong from day one of our relationship. Date and time. So to defect from the original argument, and reason to tell me how much of a looser I am, she started the list all over again. List 2 is all the things I never paid. Like an overseas trip to her mom, and money for her moms hospital bill. Then list 3 is all the things I still must pay. House, car, her business, etc.

I have heard this a 1000 times, and I just could not hear it again. She was sitting next to me, and I shouted, SHUT THE F***CK UP. She jumped up, grabbed the kitchen knife, and nearly stabbed me with it. I left, but yip, believe it or not, the next day I was back for more. I was told that because of the way I shouted, she felt threatened and had to defend herself.

I still cannot work that one out, but I left and decided to take the pain rather of a break up.

Oh, I never mentioned she cheated on me, and I caught her out. But that was also my fault because I was not giving her enough attention.

Look, the choice is yours. But it progressively gets worse. The leaving part is difficult, because you not in love, you addicted to poison. It will mentally and physically kill you.

I accept that I saw the red flags, I had a feeling this is not for me, yet I got involved. I paid rent, food, clothes, make up, weekends away, you name it. Nothing was ever good enough.

I accept that I could leave at any stage. But I never, and I regret it.

You get shattered when just after 2 weeks after break up, a friend tells you about the gorgeous hunk she just picked up on a dating site. Obviously, the a perfect couple.

This is a very dangerous situation, and people tend to overlook the consequences. Because they addicted. Not in love.

My advice and what I did: deleted everything. Pics, email, cell numbers (and blocked them), threw all the cheap aftershave and T-shirts in the bin. Basically erased 3 years of my life. RUN, and NEVER look back.

Most of us, have a co-dependency personality. Rather get help for that and work on yourself. That can be healed, they can't. Save yourself, you will love again. This time, for real.

[WhatTheFrank]

You are not responsible for him.  He's a disordered adult, and he has to learn how to take care of himself.  Sink or swim.  Unless he does the work on his own, he will sink.  If you are with him while he is sinking, he will drag you down with him.  Folks like us that care, we think it's selfish to put ourselves first and foremost, even when the life is being sucked out of us.  But you have to do it, life is too short for the hurt they cause.

The guilt is part of the FOG (fear/obligation/guilt) which he is using to make you feel stuck.  It's one of the tools in their kit, the kit they've been using since the trauma that led to them being BPD.

I went through it too, even stayed a full year after learning about BPD, thinking it could get better.  It didn't.  Lip service about attending therapy then I noticed she stopped going.  I kept going to my therapist, to get ready for the day when it was time to go.  Even knowing it was time to go, it hurt.  It will hurt either way, but better to stop the hurt sooner rather than later, before it's too late.

I looked up your old posts and it seems the two of you don't live together.  Are you able to firmly document that you told him no he can't come over, no he can't contact you, then maybe seek assistance from the authorities on a restraining order?  Then buy a gun... .half kidding.

[OutOfEgypt]

I just want out but I feel like I have his blood on my hands already.  What do I do?

I realize that everyone is different, and my ex wife told me things before about how she had nobody else in the world but me.  In a sense, it was true, though she was great at finding new minions to buy her B/S, and still is to this day.  But how screwed up is that?

The thing I want to point out to you, however, is how unfair it is to put someone in the position he is putting you in.  He's essentially holding you hostage.  Can you see how aggressive and hurtful that is toward you?  And he plays victim and blubbers like a friggin baby so that you will feel bad for being angry at what he is doing to you.  Sick.

Despite what he believes or is pretending to believe about himself, he is not a little kid and you are not his mother.  Go look in the mirror and say to yourself, "He is not my responsibility."  Sit down at a table and write yourself a ":)eclaration of Independence."  In real relationships, independence and autonomy are healthy and make the interdependence strong and good.  This is truly sick, and allowing him to depend on you like this is not only bad for you, it is bad for him.  Your blood is NOT on his hands.  It is on HIS hands.

My girlfriend actually finally broke away from a BPD friend.  Her whole life was sucked into the relationship with this BPD friend, and it became very bad.  Her friend also had romantic interest in her, which added to it.  When she finally broke away and ended the relationship, as it was, this BPD friend went off the deep end.  She would threaten that she was going to hurt herself.  She would claim that she started cutting herself.  But it was all designed to try to reel her back in.   She never actually followed through with it.  That doesn't mean this person won't, but if he does it isn't YOUR doing.  It is HIS doing, and it is wrong and cruel for him to put that on you.

It may hurt him for you to leave (all breakups hurt anybody), but it will not harm him.  :)o you understand that there is a difference?  

If you give in to his request for "one more chance", you already know how it will go.  So why put yourself through this?  This is a matter of survival -for you and your children.  Where is your will to protect yourself and your kids, to find something healthy and good for your life?

[seeking balance]

Chillamom,

I am sorry you are in this position - it is hard to feel such an unbearable obligation to someone else; especially when you think their very life is in your hands.

Here is the thing, you are not a trained professional when it comes to suicide or BPD.  You are not responsible for him, but you are responsible for yourself and you do have a responsibility to your children.

He has many diagnosis - right?  Is he actively in any treatment?

Best,

SB

[Deeno02]

I just want out but I feel like I have his blood on my hands already.  What do I do?

I realize that everyone is different, and my ex wife told me things before about how she had nobody else in the world but me.  In a sense, it was true, though she was great at finding new minions to buy her B/S, and still is to this day.  But how screwed up is that?

The thing I want to point out to you, however, is how unfair it is to put someone in the position he is putting you in.  He's essentially holding you hostage.  Can you see how aggressive and hurtful that is toward you?  And he plays victim and blubbers like a friggin baby so that you will feel bad for being angry at what he is doing to you.  Sick.

Despite what he believes or is pretending to believe about himself, he is not a little kid and you are not his mother.  Go look in the mirror and say to yourself, "He is not my responsibility."  Sit down at a table and write yourself a ":)eclaration of Independence."  In real relationships, independence and autonomy are healthy and make the interdependence strong and good.  This is truly sick, and allowing him to depend on you like this is not only bad for you, it is bad for him.  Your blood is NOT on his hands.  It is on HIS hands.

My girlfriend actually finally broke away from a BPD friend.  Her whole life was sucked into the relationship with this BPD friend, and it became very bad.  Her friend also had romantic interest in her, which added to it.  When she finally broke away and ended the relationship, as it was, this BPD friend went off the deep end.  She would threaten that she was going to hurt herself.  She would claim that she started cutting herself.  But it was all designed to try to reel her back in.   She never actually followed through with it.  That doesn't mean this person won't, but if he does it isn't YOUR doing.  It is HIS doing, and it is wrong and cruel for him to put that on you.

It may hurt him for you to leave (all breakups hurt anybody), but it will not harm him.  :)o you understand that there is a difference?  

If you give in to his request for "one more chance", you already know how it will go.  So why put yourself through this?  This is a matter of survival -for you and your children.  Where is your will to protect yourself and your kids, to find something healthy and good for your life?

I hear ya on BPD friend. Her neighbor of 14 years are joined at the hip. They are toxic together, separately, they talk crap about each other, together they feed off each other. God, Im glad im out of there.

[Pingo]

Hi Chillimom, I am so sorry for what you are going through, it is a terrible position to be in.  My ex was not threatening suicide but the rest of your story sounds very familiar.  I  don't know if I have any advise but I'll share my story.  We were together for 4 yrs, married for one.  We almost split at the 3rd yr mark but he got hurt & in hospital and the caregiver in me went into overdrive which made him very secure again and we had a second honeymoon period which led to us eloping.  After a few mths everything unravelled.  My health was spiralling down, my anxiety was at an all time high, I was in a mountain of debt and my kids were being affected.  I started to call him on everything and this of course didn't go well.  His unstable moods, possessiveness, jealousy etc got worse.  Finally after I caught him reading my private fb messages and then stalking me at my friend's house I snapped.  I asked for a divorce.  Really, I was terrified.  I had no idea what he would do.  I sent my son to his dad's for 3 weeks while I got him out of the house.  My uBPDexh has guns and I was always nervous and hypervigilant.  He begged and cried and really tried every tactic to pull at my heartstrings and get me to change my mind.  But I kept firm in my decision.  Finally he was gone and I could breath.  But as we know how the story goes, we end up recycling after a couple of mths with lots of tears, apologies, promises, etc.  Two mths later and the possessiveness is at an all time high.  He was giving me a ST about me making the mistake of mentioning a previous r/s from 22 yrs ago and after 3 days of that he raged at me.  I flipped out!  I called him 'pshycho' and 'nuts'.  He grabbed me by the arm and tried to toss me out of the bed.  I told him I'd call the police and he let me go.  I took 3 weeks to calm down and make a rational decision, I asked him to leave again. This time the tears and begging was short.  He knew it wasn't going to work.  He left again.  It has been 5 mths.  It has been an emotional roller coaster.  But things are getting easier.  I have not seen him in 5 mths but we did have a few email exchanges early on.  Nothing good.  Been NC for a few mths now.  He tried to text me recently but I had him blocked.

It was truly the hardest decision I have ever made.  I have cried more in the last 5 mths than in the rest of my 44 yrs on this earth.  But I don't regret leaving.  I do regret marrying him though.  So sad.  I care for him and worry about him and I hate that I had to give up on our marriage vows.  But this disorder was stronger than me!  I had no choice.  It felt like it was a life or death decision.  My life.  And in the end that's all I'm responsible for is my own life, like Seeking Balance says.  I couldn't save him and you can't save yours. That's not your job.  There are some good books that you might find helpful, I am reading one I wish I had found back when I was so confused on what to do by Lundy Bancroft 'Should I stay or Should I go?'.  You might also find 'Emotional Blackmail' helpful, it was one I read before our first recycle.  I'm glad to hear you have a T, my T has helped me so much in sorting out all the feelings of guilt that I still carry.