sad and confused... again

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi. I have been in a relationship with the same woman for more than 2 1/2 years now.  We have shared the closest moments i've ever experienced with another person.  I truly love her.  During the past year and a half I have been in and out of counseling due to the hot/cold nature of the relationship however.  Despite these troubles, the past few months have been really special--until last night.  Here's what happened: Since we've been together, she has set a limit for herself and has generally not been around me when I have a weekend with my children from a previous marriage.  She has been warming to the idea lately though.  Last night she came over unannounced with food for me and my kids and was surprised that three other kids (friends of my kids) were in the house and they were all up a little later than usual and being noisy.  I hadn't texted her about the friends being over because she is normally not around. Anyway... .She hung out for a few minutes, tried to help me feed the kids and then left abruptly texting me after a few minutes of leaving that she was feeling bad.  Now she is extremely distant and won't speak to me on the phone and is going out with friends while I'm home with my children.  I feel like I just fell off of a ladder. I have a pit in my stomach, but I really appreciated the visit.  This kind of thing has happened before, but I never get used to it

[hopeless case]

Hi. I have been in a relationship with the same woman for more than 2 1/2 years now.  We have shared the closest moments i've ever experienced with another person.  I truly love her.  During the past year and a half I have been in and out of counseling due to the hot/cold nature of the relationship however.  Despite these troubles, the past few months have been really special--until last night.  Here's what happened: Since we've been together, she has set a limit for herself and has generally not been around me when I have a weekend with my children from a previous marriage.  She has been warming to the idea lately though.  Last night she came over unannounced with food for me and my kids and was surprised that three other kids (friends of my kids) were in the house and they were all up a little later than usual and being noisy.  I hadn't texted her about the friends being over because she is normally not around. Anyway... .She hung out for a few minutes, tried to help me feed the kids and then left abruptly texting me after a few minutes of leaving that she was feeling bad.  Now she is extremely distant and won't speak to me on the phone and is going out with friends while I'm home with my children.  I feel like I just fell off of a ladder. I have a pit in my stomach, but I really appreciated the visit.  This kind of thing has happened before, but I never get used to it

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[patientandclear]

She probably just needs some time to process.  She took a big step, it was a bigger step even than she was anticipating (because of the other kids and the degree to which all the kid-ness was present in your life), and now she needs some time to let the reaction ebb away.

This is how my relationship ended actually, but had I not made a big huge deal out of his freaked out reaction, I suspect we'd have been fine a few days later.  I wish I'd understood BPD then.  I had no idea, and thought he was dumping me out of the blue.  In fact I think it only ended up being so extreme because I pushed him to state what it all meant for our r/ship when he really needed time to process.

[RoseB]

I feel for you. I think what it comes down to it the idea in her head that she is not the most important part of your life, you have other children and your life will sometimes be focused on them so there isn't anything you can do to change that. By leaving the house abruptly and then texting you, she is trying to distract your attention away from the kids, to put herself first in your list of priorities. Hopefully over time she will get more used to spending time with you and your kids together. I think it was just the fact that there were other children there that threw her. She wasn't expecting there to be any others. For some reason it made her have a really bad reaction. I guess if she knew in advance that may have avoided that reaction, but who knows.