Dealing with the pain of torn apart families

[donnab]

I posted a couple of months ago about my dd recently diagnosed with BPD and going to court to try to get custody of our 17 mnth old GD. She has been living with us for 5 months now, but I was very worried about her for the whole of her little life. My partner and I had different view points on whether she should return to dwBPD. He felt more hopeful that it *might* be ok, I felt *how on earth can it be?*. So I convinced him to go along with my application and then all we are asking is for someone to independently review the situation. If I was wrong then GD would go back to her mother but if I was right the potential for damage was too big a risk. The Social Worker has agreed she should stay with us and has recommended we apply for a special guardianship order (we live in the UK).

Things have gone from bad to worse with my dwBPD. She is now homeless (sofa surfing), doing drugs, relationship with bf is volitile, friendships dwindling, emotionally she is torn apart. Yesterday was contact and she spent the 1st 10 minutes crying on GD's head.

There are so many mixed feelings for us all. I feel so torn by my emotions, pain to see her struggling, anxiety about what I am doing to her, fear of how we will navigate this for the rest of GD's childhood, while I feel so much for dwBPD's emotional state I also am concerned she is not able to be emotionally appropriate around GD (often contacts are largely about dwBPD trying to get GD to say mummy, telling her repeatedly she is her mummy and not me). I feel let down by all of the services I tried to get help from for years and saddened by the situation we now all find ourselves in.

I have to now accept this is our pain, this is what we have to deal with. Sometimes it just feels like it's too much to bear, but there's no other choice than to bear it is there?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mywifecrazy]

All I can say is God Bless you for trying to help,your GD. You are a hero in my book!

Good luck to you

MWC... .

[Dibdob59]

Hello DonnaB

Have you managed to successfully get any help for your daughter in the UK for DBT?

I am also in the UK and my experience is that there is very little recognition or treatment here for personality disorders but perhaps you have been luckier.

Refusing to allow your daughter to stay with you is so hard, the guilt and conflicting emotions are overwhelming. Are you getting enough help for yourself and your GD? There is truly nothing worse than this pain.  I feel for you deeply.

Dibdob

[pessim-optimist]

I have to now accept this is our pain, this is what we have to deal with. Sometimes it just feels like it's too much to bear, but there's no other choice than to bear it is there?

I think that having to choose between your daughter and granddaughter must be one of the hardest and most painful decisions that there is... .

I hear your pain and your conflicted emotions. You had to choose the least bad of all bad options. And I believe you chose the best one.

You are in this for the long haul, and you will be that stable place for your GD that she needs. 

You also see your dd's pain and insecurity and fear of losing her own daughter. You can foster her place as a mommy with your granddaughter. Hopefully in time, you will be able to nurture their relationship while at the same time protecting your GD from excessive trauma. As she grows, you will be able to explain and teach her what is healthy, what isn't, and how to safely love her troubled mommy.

Who knows, perhaps your dd will even be motivated enough to get healthy for the sake of her own child.

[qcarolr]

Being torn apart inside between a daughter and grandchild is indeed excruciatingly painful. My gd is now age 9. She has always lived in our home. My BPDDD now 28 has been in and out of our home, often at our request when she cannot abide by the boundaries we put in place. We took on primary care at 8 months and received legal custody at 18 months. It was intolerable to have no legal rights to protect gd when DD was threatening to take her and we would never see her again.  At one point, just as we filed our initial custody petition, DD was even planning a 1500 mile bus trip to meet up with her bf in Mexico. When she was served with our custody petition, she included gd in these plans! Luckily our first meeting in the family court was that week and the court put a restraining order in place to prevent this.

The past couple of years I have focused on building a network of support for myself. bpdfamily was a start for me with all the excellent tools (see the sidebar) and all the support of others here. I added a child/family therapist for gd. She has a rare gift in understanding the love I have for DD, and what is in the best interests of gd. She has been so helpful in guiding me seeking this balance.

My own T, a sponsor/mentor in my church's recovery group, leaning into my marriage relationship - asking for comfort from dh instead of arguing with him, risking friendships with other women after the isolation experienced for so much of DD's life... .all these are working for me to find times of peace even in the chaos and uncertainty.

Keep coming back and let us know how things are going. We understand. We care.

qcr

[qcarolr]

Pondering all this I feel the need to share how well things are going right now for my DD. We are stepping out taking the risk to rent her an apartment for 12 month lease. She has many obstacles to overcome. She appreciates all that we do for her, that I have done for her, in these past 9 months she spent in jail. I was in a secure enough place within myself to share with her my unconditional love - no matter what happens I always love her. Plus I am willing to be her advocate, to see that she has access to as many resources as can be put in front of her. And she has taken advantage of many of them for a change. Hope. That is what I have. Hope. Even if she cycle down again, I now know that she can come through it. And more importantly, she knows she can come through it.

Gd chose no contact with her mom in January. DD was failing the dual-dx probation program and ended up running from the warrant after she raged out at the detox - inpatient dual-dx program. Gd needed to ask her T to tell me to stop asking her write her mom or talk on the phone with her from jail. As DD's release approached, gd spoke to her mom a couple times and DD has visited a couple times. Gd always has somewhere else to go - to a friend's house. Today gd told me "seeing my mom has not been so bad". Hope. that is what I have. Hope.

I pray for peace and hope for all of us. It is possible. Learn to let go of anger, expectations, resentment at a deep personal level. It is teaching new skills in relationships by living the skills and tools with humility.

qcr

[donnab]

A week goes by and new feelings to contend with. This week's is dwBPD didn't turn up for contact. Called me to say she wasn't feeling well, however I can see she was up until 4am via facebook. So I can fairly confidently assume she chose to stay up doing drugs with her friends rather than see her daughter. It is so frustrating and makes me feel hurt, saddened, angry and bitter towards my dwBPD. Right now gd is a 17 month old toddler and doesn't understand but soon enough she will and this will have consequences for her emotional wellbeing. I'm tired of feeling hurt and let down by her and then feeling bitter and angry for the whole of Saturdays. We build our lives around the contact times and 90% of the Saturdays she doesn't turn up to. The SW is suggesting contact is reduced to 1 x week and this will be good for me, as we will keep Wednesday evenings and drop the Saturdays. Then at least I won't have to be upset at being let down all the time, although of course it brings it's own sadness to contend with... .

I really want to tell I suspect her reasons for cancelling weren't true and why and how hurt I am that she is letting her daughter down like this. But what is honestly the point? She won't hear it, it will wound her terribly and cause another difficult and painful exchange. How do we communicate our needs with ppl with BPD so they can hear it and we don't wallow in feelings of our needs not being met?

Dibdob59 you asked about treatment in the part of the country we are in. We are "lucky" as she has been offered a space on the STEPPS programme, however she hasn't been in the space where she can access this. So for now she isn't on the programme. The next intake will be March and we hope by then she will be in a space where she can

[pessim-optimist]

I understand your sadness and frustration over this and the feeling of letting down her baby daughter... . 

And while there isn't an excuse for her behavior, it helps our feelings to remember that we are dealing with an ill person who is in the throes of their own emotional turmoil and that prevents them from functioning properly and making healthy and rational decisions... .

They live in the moment and that is usually driven by the emotion of the moment. I wonder if perhaps she was feeling depressed and ashamed for not having her daughter and that may lead her to soothe herself through drugs and to forget her anguish through keeping company with her buddies (who, admittedly don't seem to be good influence on her)?

I think that if reducing the visitation to Wednesdays will be more peaceful and productive for the whole family, that might be an option. Or, if you feel that your gd and dd would benefit from more contact now or in the future, you could protect yourself from chaos and disappointment by making double plans for Saturdays and if she shows up, you go to plan A and if she doesn't or is late, you go to plan B... .It is really up to you to decide what you think is best over all, your dd is not capable of that.

She won't hear it, it will wound her terribly and cause another difficult and painful exchange. How do we communicate our needs with ppl with BPD so they can hear it and we don't wallow in feelings of our needs not being met?

That is a very good question donnab. Most of the time they cannot meet our emotional needs of feeling heard and understood. So we need to take care of that need in ourselves or with different people. As far as practical needs, we are often left hanging too, so the way to deal with that is to determine what we need, decide what we will/won't do and then present it to the person w/BPD as calmly and friendly as possible, keeping the focus on us/our need rather than on their failure to do things:

e.g. "When I wait for the Saturday pickup and then it doesn't happen, it's hard on me. I need to know if you are able to pick up gd or not. If you can let me know an hour before the pickup or earlier that you are coming, I will have her ready. I am willing to wait 30 mins if you are late. Otherwise I will assume you aren't coming and will make my own plans."

And then, I'd be ready to negotiate a bit if it's reasonable. Would that help?