Enabling and Suggestions for getting adult BPD to take medicine.

[lotusblossom]

Hi there,




My significant other has a 22 yr old son who has been living with him in his 1 bedroom place the past 5 months because of bad decisions that left him without a job, place to live and car.  His son refuses to take medication and is constantly having meltdowns and causing turmoil.  My bf has not tried to find out what his son's problem is ... .he just assumed he was bi-polar and has ADHD because that's what he was diagnosed with as a young boy.  He feels alone, enables his son, and rejects advice from everyone else because he feels guilty and is afraid if his son hits rock bottom, he will be the one to pick up the pieces and it will cost him more. I've been the one to talk to friends who have had family members with BPD, read books, and researched online, thereby finding this support group.  I've briefly told him about the info I've found, and he agrees that his son appears to have BPD.




I really care about my significant other, however, since his adult son moved into his small place, he's definitely affected our relationship.  His son is resentful of me, my daughter, and his 19 yr old sister who lives over 400 miles away because he thinks that if his dad weren't dating me and helping his sister, there would be more money for his dad to support him.  He would like nothing more for his dad and I to break up so he could have his dad's attention 24/7.  I just spent my birthday at my significant other's place this weekend.  When we were out celebrating last night, without his son present, we had a great time.  But, when his son is around, he wants his son to spend ALL of his time with him, despite the fact that my daughter and I are also there.  My significant other complies to avoid meltdowns.  His son has frequently gone into rages on Sunday mornings because he has been bothered about his dad spending too much time with me and my daughter, who only see my significant other on weekends.  Even the few times his son has been out of town when we've been over, he has had meltdowns that occupy his dad for hours, so that he can still get the attention he craves.

I've been trying to hang in there and be supportive by researching the condition and passing the info onto my significant other, but I'm getting really frustrated and am close to throwing in the towel.  I know there are several step-parents who have dealt with similar issues.  Please tell me how you got through these tough times without giving up.  We had a great relationship before his son moved in.  I hope we can save it.

1. How can I stop my significant other from enabling his BPD 22 yr old son?

2. How can we get his BPD 22 yr old son to see a doctor to get back on his medication?  Do ultimatums work?



lotusblossom

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, lotusblossom & 

I'm really sorry for all the trauma and hurtfulness you are going through regarding your partner and his relationship with his son... .It's terrible to see things go on that you know need to be remedied, but feel like you have no power to change them. There are a lot of Stepparents on this Board, and I'm sure some of them will show up to tell you about their own situations and how they have dealt with them. I, myself, have an adult son also with BPD (he's 37), but his Dad is my Husband, and we've worked with my son together and don't really seem to disagree with the ways we handle things.

As far as your second question, giving ultimatums rarely work... .And I suppose that the problems would be multiplied if the ultimatum came from someone who isn't his Mom or related to him. Is it in his best interests to see a Doctor and get on some sort of medication? Of course, but unless he can admit that he has a problem, realizes he needs help, and then follows through on getting that help, there's not a whole lot you can do to "make" him do it.

What you can do is learn all you can about BPD, and figure out a good strategy for how to deal with your partner and his son, that works for you... .Have you had the chance to read all the links to the right-hand side of this page? The TOOLS and THE LESSONS? There are Feature Articles linked to under the photos at the top of the threads page on this Board, and they are also very enlightening. Let us know what you think of them, and if you have any questions about them, and I'm sure there will be other Stepparents chiming in soon, lotusblossom