returning to scene of the crimes

[emancipated]

Hey all

I am going back to visit friends/family in my old hometown .to recap I was left for a 48 year old sr enlisted member of the military And needless to say not much of a looker. I have maintained nc for quite sometime last time only breaking it to ask about a dog we adopted together and she lied saying they still had it when they don't: (. I am happy and very nervous... I have a sinking suspicion I am going to run into her . read into into it what u will I am not going to look for her... she appears content with old man river . I guess what id like to know is experiences you all have with running into them... How they acted and how u handled it

[OutOfEgypt]

I run into mine every week, at least, because we share children.  I keep it short, cordial, and detached but pleasant.  Usually, that is enough to get it over with quickly.  I also see the last guy she cheated on me with fairly regularly.  He's just a stranger.  I don't even acknowledge.  No point.  She dumped him, anyway, and he still lives in his car (met online and moved out here from across the country just to be with her).  The few times I've bumped into her, or picked up the kids, when she has had her current boyfriend over, it has been fine.  :)oesn't bother me.  His problem, now.

Aside from times when she is painting me black and being a total drama queen, in general she is bubbly, acting "cute", and wanting to share about what's new in her work or something of that nature.  She generally avoids eye contact but fishes for attention.  I keep it boring as hell but pleasant, keeping my attention solely on the kids.

[emancipated]

Thank u ooe . that was probably the best response I've gotten to any question on here. Normally people puff out their chests and preach nc and how they are doing great at it and then u see posts about their struggles. It's hard although we don't have any kids of our own I was close to the 2 she had and almost adopted them. I'm quite certain the image of me has been permanently tarnished in their minds and I guess that's OK... I'm also kinda worried that seeing her may trigger her abandonment issues and maybe opening myself up to recycle attempts as the last time we spoke about the dog we had adopted together she seemed to put out feelers asking if me and my separated wife got back together and if I got the job across the country I told her about in passing after the break up and was trying to get her back. If it was only up to me I wouldn't return to the area but my did is sick and he lives literally 3 miles down on the same street her mom lives on . I ask you pray for me and that if it is gods will I run into her it will serve more as a reminder of how far I've come and not remind me of the good times. Fortunately there have been plenty of bad

[OutOfEgypt]

You got it.  Praying for you right now.

If you do bump into her, it will probably be awkward, and you may be hit with anxiety.  That's normal.  But you will survive it.  Just keep distance, emotionally, and don't offer up any personal info.  I never tell my ex anything personal that's going on with me.  She's not invited back inside.  If she pokes, I just say, "I'm doing pretty well, but that's private" or I just give vague and intentionally evasive answers.  And then I usually find a reason to have to go.

Whatever happens, just learn from it.  :)on't condemn yourself by it.

And don't be so sure about her kids thinking you are terrible.  I'm sure they've heard a ton, but kids are also pretty smart.  Remember, you aren't the one who should hang their head in shame.  You have no reason to be ashamed.

[clydegriffith]

I have a child with the BPDx so i have to interact with her from time to time. I try to use her mother as an intermediary between us when i can and make as little eye contact as possible with the X when we go to exchange the kid. I too also see a few of the people she cheated on me with on a regular basis as they were not what i would call "friends' but friends of friends. I'm not really mad at them because she was the one that came on to them. I'm more embarrased than angry.

[Deeno02]

4 months and havent seen or heard from her. Still have a few more months till volleyball season to put even more time distance between us. This is a good thread, like the info Im getting on how to deal with this... .

[Turkish]

Aside from times when she is painting me black and being a total drama queen, in general she is bubbly, acting "cute", and wanting to share about what's new in her work or something of that nature.  She generally avoids eye contact but fishes for attention.  I keep it boring as hell but pleasant, keeping my attention solely on the kids.

I'm the one who avoids eye contact on my side.

Otherwise, I do the same thing, though she is constantly trying to engage me to hang out with her and the kids (and thus S4 also asks me to have mommy come over, or for me to go to her place). I keep it bland, boring, and am detached. Disinterested when she tries to engage me in opinions on things going on in her life. I call it my "Joe Carver" routine. She knows I don't want to hang out with her, and I don't want her over at my place (the house where we lived for 4 years); she even commented wafishly about it once, "I know you don't want me to come over, but... ." or "I can drop the kids off at your place if you want, no problem," but I deflect to picking them up at her place or her mom's.

She will continue trying, and I will continue having these strong boundaries. The moment I let them slip, she will cross them. Boundaries are for us.

[Elpis]

Great answers--i'm still trying to learn how to do "boring as hell" and "bland" So far I've learned to not respond immediately to his texts, but I still can't really be around him because there's too much familiarity after 38 years of being married, and it's too easy for me to fall back into old roles.

[emancipated]

Its funny urs wants to hang out  with u and I just find it funny mine doesn't give me a second thought... Maybe it was because I removed myself so far from the situation should I read into anything from the last time we spoke and instead of being cold and venomous she was cordial and began asking me questions like if I got this new job out west if me and my separated wife reconciled I tell u just when u think u knoe what's coming here's a curve ball... I'll post again how this weekend goes on Monday when I return home

[myself]

If you do happen to run into her, you don't have to interact.

Breathe. Focus. See yourself through your eyes, not hers.

Remember where you've been, where you are, and where you're going.

[Deeno02]

If you do happen to run into her, you don't have to interact.

Breathe. Focus. See yourself through your eyes, not hers.

Remember where you've been, where you are, and where you're going.

Thats my plan. Ignore, indifference, speak when spoken to

[emancipated]

Well I returned... Without seeing her or old man river ... so it was nice to go drive around and focus on the distance I've gone between now and 5-6 months ago... I had some anxiety because everything else went so well that I almost wanted the final nail to be seeing them together and going largely unaffected. I know I'm not all the way recovered by aong shot... but am doing better than I thought

[Elpis]

If you do happen to run into her, you don't have to interact.

Breathe. Focus. See yourself through your eyes, not hers.

Remember where you've been, where you are, and where you're going.

SO PERFECT! This is exactly what I need to remember! My biggest problem is getting drawn back into his twisted way of thinking. i'd imagine that's how a recycle gets started, the non forgets to see themselves through their own eyes, forgets what we came from and that we don't want to go there again.

Emancipated,

that is SOO awesome that you weren't as affected as you feared! I  can only keep working toward that goal... .