Confusing 40th email

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I left my uBPDw after a particularly dramatic extinction burst woke me up from what now feels like a trance. I wrote to her explaining what I felt was wrong with our relationship, challenging her behavior, acknowledging my codependency. I set firm boundaries and she broke each one immediately. I told her I did not want to see her or talk to her on the phone and that if she had something important to tell me then she should write. She has tried to re-engage me through phone messages and set meetings as she has a "need for dialogue". I have made it clear it is over. She then sends an email to my work account every day for 39 days with no message just a quote by Ghandi and other famous writers all with loaded headings designed to make me feel guilty. And then for the 4oth email entitled Chapter 40 she sent the following and silence since then. Is this an NPD response to feeling abandoned? I hope the NC continues. It is healing. What does this mean, is there a significance to the number 40 and has anyone experienced a similar finale if this is what it is?


It's a tragic play, where Fear and Fury kill Love and Laughter in unbroken monologues of witless words, on a set of distorted mirrors with walls painted into places where a forum for freer dialogue would witness a wiser scene.  Unspoken resentments then rest unknown, unliberated yet free to fester in an imagining turned to pen such a play.

Projection, pride, denial and delusion creep across the serenity of that Soul, scoffing at every victorious slander of the light and love that have lived there for Life.

Yet Life always finds a way. It is no placid programmable portrait of perfection. It shines the night with stars and smartly shifts the shine of the sun to the moon so that there is never any victory for darkness. It selects for survival not on strength nor sport but on ability to adapt to change whether chosen or by chance.

Life loves the true, the tried and tested few who face Fear and Frustration with Love and Light, for it knows that darkness dare not doubt their strength and sport and serenity. Weakness wrecks character and courage creates it; Life lets all characters write the words of their own works, but cannot twist the Tale once writ. Only the author has the ability to adapt their story as each evolved environment is encountered; the chance to choose honesty and honour at any hour.

The one limit Life cannot control, is the Time gifted to write the Tale. Wisdom waits quietly in the quill, to be part of the penning only if the writer wants her words. Fury, Fear, Frustration: Freewill; Love, Laughter, Light: Life. Would that the writer awakes and wills Wisdom into their wording, making then a merrier and more triumphant Tale to be told of their Time. [/font][/color][/color]

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[Spartacus]

I left my uBPDw after a particularly dramatic extinction burst woke me up from what now feels like a trance. I wrote to her explaining what I felt was wrong with our relationship, challenging her behavior, acknowledging my codependency. I set firm boundaries and she broke each one immediately. I told her I did not want to see her or talk to her on the phone and that if she had something important to tell me then she should write. She has tried to re-engage me through phone messages and set meetings as she has a "need for dialogue". I have made it clear it is over. She then sends an email to my work account every day for 39 days with no message just a quote by Ghandi and other famous writers all with loaded headings designed to make me feel guilty. And then for the 4oth email entitled Chapter 40 she sent the following and silence since then. Is this an NPD response to feeling abandoned? I hope the NC continues. It is healing. What does this mean, is there a significance to the number 40 and has anyone experienced a similar finale if this is what it is?


It's a tragic play, where Fear and Fury kill Love and Laughter in unbroken monologues of witless words, on a set of distorted mirrors with walls painted into places where a forum for freer dialogue would witness a wiser scene.  Unspoken resentments then rest unknown, unliberated yet free to fester in an imagining turned to pen such a play.

Projection, pride, denial and delusion creep across the serenity of that Soul, scoffing at every victorious slander of the light and love that have lived there for Life.

Yet Life always finds a way. It is no placid programmable portrait of perfection. It shines the night with stars and smartly shifts the shine of the sun to the moon so that there is never any victory for darkness. It selects for survival not on strength nor sport but on ability to adapt to change whether chosen or by chance.

Life loves the true, the tried and tested few who face Fear and Frustration with Love and Light, for it knows that darkness dare not doubt their strength and sport and serenity. Weakness wrecks character and courage creates it; Life lets all characters write the words of their own works, but cannot twist the Tale once writ. Only the author has the ability to adapt their story as each evolved environment is encountered; the chance to choose honesty and honour at any hour.

The one limit Life cannot control, is the Time gifted to write the Tale. Wisdom waits quietly in the quill, to be part of the penning only if the writer wants her words. Fury, Fear, Frustration: Freewill; Love, Laughter, Light: Life. Would that the writer awakes and wills Wisdom into their wording, making then a merrier and more triumphant Tale to be told of their Time. [/font][/color][/color]

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[fromheeltoheal]

To me it means she's losing it, freaking out, found some fancy verse she connected with at the time, and sprayed it to you.  Just another piece of an extinction burst, I wouldn't read more into it than that; a borderline in search of an attachment, or in search of restablishing an old one, will do what she's doing until she becomes convinced the attachment is severed, even if she finds a new one, since having multiple attachments makes a borderline feel better.  Your choices are to let it continue and she'll eventually stop, or you can block her so you no longer get them if it bothers you.  The focus needs to be on you now: decide what you really want and need, get very honest about whether she is willing and able to meet those wants and needs on a long term, consistent basis, and act accordingly.

[HappyNihilist]

I agree with fromheeltoheal -- it sounds like she's feeling desperate, dysregulated, searching for attachment, wrapped up in the chaos of her emotions.

I've gotten similar emails and heard similar things from my exBPDbf during times of emotional dysregulation. They collect bits and pieces of things they read or hear that connect with them --  they seem to absorb these things into themselves, then parrot them back in word-vomit outbursts of emotion.

In her way, she is telling you a lot about herself here.

It's a tragic play, where Fear and Fury kill Love and Laughter in unbroken monologues of witless words, on a set of distorted mirrors with walls painted into places where a forum for freer dialogue would witness a wiser scene.  Unspoken resentments then rest unknown, unliberated yet free to fester in an imagining turned to pen such a play.

Projection, pride, denial and delusion creep across the serenity of that Soul, scoffing at every victorious slander of the light and love that have lived there for Life.

Yet Life always finds a way. It is no placid programmable portrait of perfection. It shines the night with stars and smartly shifts the shine of the sun to the moon so that there is never any victory for darkness. It selects for survival not on strength nor sport but on ability to adapt to change whether chosen or by chance.

Life loves the true, the tried and tested few who face Fear and Frustration with Love and Light, for it knows that darkness dare not doubt their strength and sport and serenity. Weakness wrecks character and courage creates it; Life lets all characters write the words of their own works, but cannot twist the Tale once writ. Only the author has the ability to adapt their story as each evolved environment is encountered; the chance to choose honesty and honour at any hour.

The one limit Life cannot control, is the Time gifted to write the Tale. Wisdom waits quietly in the quill, to be part of the penning only if the writer wants her words. Fury, Fear, Frustration: Freewill; Love, Laughter, Light: Life. Would that the writer awakes and wills Wisdom into their wording, making then a merrier and more triumphant Tale to be told of their Time.

It sounds like she's aware that she has issues and needs to work on things. This doesn't mean that she will do so. There is a lot of pain and turmoil here.

Most importantly, she has shown that she does not respect your boundaries at all. You have the right to protect yourself and heal. I'm glad the NC has been continuing, giving you that much-needed time to focus on yourself. 

[Spartacus]

Thanks for your thoughts and support HappyNihilist and fromhealtoheal. You both make a lot of sense. She was always very grandiose in her language and quoting others. I used to get so wrapped up in her words. Looking back I can see that she was very self aware and along with her sense of being a victim she said she was working on her stuff without ever owning her troubles. Yes I believe she was in a lot of pain. I realized that I couldn't help her, she pushed and pulled so I never knew when to help either, and I didn't understand why I kept triggering her. All the focus became about me changing my behavior. I wish her well but I will not reply to her. NC seems so extreme and cold but it is what I need to heal and she has not respected my boundaries for a long time.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry it's frustrating Spartacus with her not respecting boundaries. She's like a child and entitled to do as she pleases.

My ex would call all of the time and refused to email. I'm single and didn't see the use of paying for a landline or cell. I transferred the home number to my cell. I didn't want her leaving messages on two voicemail boxes. The people I consider family and friends reach me on cellphone. I cut my landline 2 years ago.

What i like about cell phones is that I have more control. I didn't want to hear the tone of her voice. I subscribed to Voicemail to Text with my  service provider. What it does is I tell what email address I want to use. I don't pick up when it's her ( only if its emergencies for kids ) or if it's someone I don't know. I let voicemail pick-up. Voicemail to text writes out the message and also records and attaches the message as a .wav file. It attached this file with the transcribed message to my email. I can then read the message and not listen. I keep the attachments for proof and same with the emails in case I need it for court in the future.

I would also respond back to the low priority emails about kids by email. She calls I respond back by email. Boundaries you put on yourself not on the other person. She does X and I respond with Y. My point. She got the picture and emails and doesn't call. She calls me, she gets an email each and every time. I haven't talked to her on the phone in two years. It's 2014. There are other ways to communicate other than phone.

Granted every so often she'll try and call to "test" my boundary and I simply don't pick up and let voicemail pick up. It's up to us to defend our boundaries as much as the other person doesn't like it.