Mother in Law w/BPD

[Namor]

My wife's mother had BPD.  She passed about 18 months.  My wife has come very far working through the complicated bereavement as our therapist called it.  However, there are still a number of issues she is working through, given the damage her mother did.  I am really trying to be supportive.  Has anybody else been in this situation?  If so, any tips would be great.

Again, my wife has made great progress.  She had actually started working on this relationship for years prior to her mom's passing.  However, the passing was very sudden, and she still has much anger she is working through.  Our therapist is great.  Just looking for guidance.

Thanks

[clljhns]

Hi Namor,

I am so sorry to hear of your wife's loss and understand how difficult the grief process must be for her. You mentioned that she is seeing a T, and is working on the grieving process with T. While I have not been in this situation, I see the value in continuing with T and having such a supportive husband, must be a comfort to your wife. Have you been invited to T sessions? I am thinking that T could provide some great suggestions on how to help your wife during this emotionally difficult time. What has the T suggested your wife do to help with the unresolved issues and anger?

Glad you found us, and we would certainly welcome your wife as well.

Be well. 

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Namor

I am sorry for your wife's loss. It is no doubt painfully compounded by the discovery of BPD. This causes a whole lot more stirred emotions. It's great that you want to support and help.

I think it would be great for you to make 'space' for your wife to express any and all emotions as they come.

The thing about having a parent wBPD is that you can feel terribly guilty for feeling 'this' way when other people may expect that you feel 'that' way. And then you feel guilty for feeling guilty. It's healthy for your wife to go through the whole spectrum of feeling. You may wish to reassure her about this. Perhaps again and again. And don't forget to take care of yourself. Do you have support available to help you when things get difficult? the help also needs help!

Health professionals who deal with clients wBPD have debrief sessions with other psychs so how much more so for you who is assisting your wife not only in a life changing discovery but the grief of the sudden passing?

I hope you will post more about your experience and keep us updated

Ziggiddy

[Woolspinner2000]

Namor, 

I'm really glad you found us here at bpdfamily, both for yourself and for your wife. I think it is wonderful that you are reaching out to find support and a way to understand some of the things your wife has gone through or is going through.

My uBPDm passed away just 2 1/2 years ago. It truly is a long and complicated process of working through not only the grief but also the BPD issues which have affected us so dramatically from our childhood. I didn't begin working on the affects of my childhood until quite literally two weeks before I got the call that she had brain cancer. She died within 16 days of her diagnosis. 3 or 4 months later I slowly began working myself back into trying to deal with that 'damage' as you so aptly put it. It is hard. It is grievous. It is seemingly unending, yet even as with your wife, healing is coming. I can remember one of the first questions I asked my T shortly after my uBPDm died and I dared to speak about her in a negative way, "Can my mom hear from heaven?" I was too terrified to speak about what happened, even though I factually knew she could no longer find out that I had "told on her." My feelings said something far different than the facts.

The best advice I can give you is to allow your wife to have an outlet with you, one which is absorbed in listening to her and validating her. Don't tell her that her mom did the best she could. Validation will help her to keep coming free and peeling back the layers of pain and hiding and burying her feelings. She may not know who she is. I am still figuring it out for myself. Your wife may sometimes feel that it is unfair that her mom is no longer around for her to be able to share how much hurt her mom inflicted on her. I feel that way sometimes. And yet for me, I think if my mom had not died, I would not have been able to work on my stuff. I was too afraid.

All that being said, as Ziggiddy and Clljhns have said, please take care of yourself. You need to have healthy relationships with other people so that your batteries can get regenerated on a regular basis. I think it would be wonderful if you are able to sometimes go to the therapist too. You two are on a journey of a liftetime. Keep us posted, and ask more questions. We are all here to help and listen.


Woolspinner