Sharing feelings with mypwBPD

[EaglesJuju]

Lately, the communication between my bf and I has been amazing. The other night we were texting, I mentioned how my computer has been running slower than ever. He offered to remotely fix it for me (He works in IT).  I jokingly made a comment about seeing everything on my computer, especially my journal.   He said he would not look at anything but the issues, because he respects my privacy. 

He then brought up the one thing I have been waiting to talk about.  He asked me,  "What is it like to be a co-dependent and how did his leaving/behavior affect me?" He also said, "If you would let me, I would like to read your journal so I understand what you went through because of me." He has shared his journal writings with me before when he was here and he knows that I started one as soon as he left.

Although this was a moment I wished would happen, I did not know how to respond.  I told him that I would have to think about it because, the journal might trigger him. I know I do want to tell him how his behavior affected me but, would letting him read the journal be like opening Pandora's box? 

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[rockgirl]

WhIle it may be great to get these things into the open, it could also backfire. Anything that sounds a tiny bit like criticism to them is like (that's how they take it) could turn into chaos. It's risky to give him full access. Maybe just share one part and see the result. With my BPDh, I've noticed sometimes he can really listen and see his part in things, but a week later he's completely tripping on it. I never really know what I'm getting. It seems at times he likes the power he has over my codependent emotions. I realize I can't give him that power... .working on it.

[Grey Kitty]

My advice is don't let him read your journal. Keeping it safe for yourself is priceless. Just like your postings in this community. If you thought he might read it, you would not be as honest and open with yourself... .and if you are anything like me, openly acknowledging your own feelings is enough of a challenge without worrying what he might think of them.

If you find something specific that you wrote, and want to share it with him, go ahead... .the same way you've shared other things.

As rockgirl said, his open and accepting mood will change. Be prepared to have the things you've shared thrown back at you in the cruelest way possible the next time he's dysregulated. I hope it doesn't happen, but it could.

These concerns may make you go slowly as far as opening up and being more vulnerable. That is still wise.

I really don't want to rain on your parade, EaglesJuju. This really is fantastic progress on his part, and great news for your relationship. Keep on going forward like this. And keep yourself in control of the pace.

[formflier]

 It's your journal... .you need to stay in control of what is released.

That way you can let him know how that specific part affected your feelings...

[EaglesJuju]

If you find something specific that you wrote, and want to share it with him, go ahead... .the same way you've shared other things.

I was thinking more towards a specific thing. I know showing him some of the things I wrote would not be a good idea. 

As rockgirl said, his open and accepting mood will change. Be prepared to have the things you've shared thrown back at you in the cruelest way possible the next time he's dysregulated. I hope it doesn't happen, but it could.

Yeah, that is catch-22 of the entire situation. 

[EaglesJuju]

I decided to summarize a few things I wrote about.  I directly told him reading the journal would not be a good idea.  I spoke with him on the phone about the hurt I felt from his behavior.  He listened and was incredibly understanding and supportive.  To top it off, he said that he is working on fixing those behaviors because, I am not deserving of that treatment. It is a Christmas miracle   

[Rapt Reader]

I decided to summarize a few things I wrote about.  I directly told him reading the journal would not be a good idea.  I spoke with him on the phone about the hurt I felt from his behavior.  He listened and was incredibly understanding and supportive.  To top it off, he said that he is working on fixing those behaviors because, I am not deserving of that treatment. It is a Christmas miracle   

That was very smart, EaglesJuju 

And everyone deserves a Christmas miracle... .I'm so glad you got yours   

(And I hope it just gets better from there, and as long as you keep in mind the old two steps forward, one step back, you can still savor the miraculous stuff   )

[formflier]