17 days NC. Her upcoming birthday is giving me anxiety.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Her birthday is Thursday December 18th. I've been thinking about her non stop for the past couple days and more and more as her birthday draws closer.  Sometimes my anxiety is so bad that my body literally starts shaking and I feel weak.  It doesn't help that she is doing drive-bys randomly at places I'm at. It's like if she sees that I'm not home,  she drives around to find out where I am. I've had good days and bad days still.  Sometimes I still cry and miss her. I was replaced right away and am still hurting from that. Thursday is going to be a nightmare.   

[Xidion]

Her birthday is Thursday December 18th. I've been thinking about her non stop for the past couple days and more and more as her birthday draws closer.  Sometimes my anxiety is so bad that my body literally starts shaking and I feel weak.  It doesn't help that she is doing drive-bys randomly at places I'm at. It's like if she sees that I'm not home,  she drives around to find out where I am. I've had good days and bad days still.  Sometimes I still cry and miss her. I was replaced right away and am still hurting from that. Thursday is going to be a nightmare.   

[Infared]

HEY... HEY... .HEY... Let's just keep it in this moment Mr.!

It's not next Thursday yet... .so let's not wreck today. I can identify with your pain completely... .my ex ran off with new supply a week before Xmas saying there was no one and I later found out she was of course lying about that... .

You are doing just fine. You loved her and you are grieving a major loss (to you).

I would get so worked up and full of anxiety that I would end up wrenching over the toilet. It can become quite physical at times. Just try to be in the moment and feel your feelings. That is called working "through" your grief... .not avoiding it. Not easy stuff... .but healthy in the long run. Coming here and venting is good stuff, too. Try to stay busy. Keep talking about it and processing it... .You CAN do this!

[peiper]

She's getting her desire, she's staying in your head. It's all about control. If she's in your head it's easier for her to recycle you if need be and she knows it.

[downwhim]

I got through my exs birthday by staying busy all day. Do something nice for yourself. Remember it is just another day and you will get through this. Forget the b day card, forget the past birthdays as they are gone. Moving on and taking care of you is what is important now.

[Xidion]

She's getting her desire, she's staying in your head. It's all about control. If she's in your head it's easier for her to recycle you if need be and she knows it.

Does that explain the driving by? It has definitely made me think about her more since it started. I had a bad night last night. Worst in 2 weeks. Pretty sure it's stemming from seeing her drive by.

[peiper]

She's getting her desire, she's staying in your head. It's all about control. If she's in your head it's easier for her to recycle you if need be and she knows it.

Does that explain the driving by? It has definitely made me think about her more since it started. I had a bad night last night. Worst in 2 weeks. Pretty sure it's stemming from seeing her drive by.

That's exactly what it is. It's a mind fhck.

[Deeno02]

Her's was October 1st... .I didnt say a thing. Mine was October 12th, nothing from her. Thank god. Neighbors told me she has been walking her dog past my house a few times though. Not looking into it to much. She lives 4-5 blocks away and its a free country after all... .

[Infared]

Her's was October 1st... .I didnt say a thing. Mine was October 12th, nothing from her. Thank god. Neighbors told me she has been walking her dog past my house a few times though. Not looking into it to much. She lives 4-5 blocks away and its a free country after all... .

Is that an attempted "dog-by"?

Deeno... .she can walk her dog ANYWHERE ... .the fact that she is doing that is totally games being played by her. They are all so psycho... .sorry... .but it's true... .she is with another guy and you he STILL has to F with you. It just so immature.

[Xidion]

Why do they mess with us? It's driving me nuts. I'll be completely honest. I would probably recycle if given the opportunity.  But for now I'm remaining no contact. Seeing her drive by is just keeping in my mind, like peiper said, she is doing on purpose. What's the agenda here?

[Infared]

She's getting her desire, she's staying in your head. It's all about control. If she's in your head it's easier for her to recycle you if need be and she knows it.

Does that explain the driving by? It has definitely made me think about her more since it started. I had a bad night last night. Worst in 2 weeks. Pretty sure it's stemming from seeing her drive by.

Mine did the drive-bys, too. As far as I am concerned she could not have been acting more selfish, unbalanced and... errrrrr... .PSYCHO... .after all... she destroyed my heart after living with me for 5 years, as she ran off with another guy a week before Xmas... .What the heck is she doing at my place?      Totally N.U.T.Z.

It REALLY helped me to see who I had actually been with... .and made it easier for me to completely lose any lingering respect that I may have had 4 her... .Let's face it... .if someone is doing drive-bys... ,she sure isn't thinking about you and how much it might upset you... .she is only thinking of herself and how much she can f with you and control you... .nothing more.

[RedDove]

Xidion, I'm sorry you are going through such a painful time.   The early days and weeks are the most diffiicult, especially when there is betrayal involved and you were replaced. The same thing happened to me with my ex BPDbf back in June. Feel what you are feeling and be kind to yourself. Most of all, stay in the moment and focus on YOU!

In the early days reading and posting here helped me a great deal. Everyone here understands what you are going through. Detaching from the trauma bond with our BPD exes is the most painful experience most of us have ever gone through. I found reading helped me a great deal in the beginning. I bought a Kindle and downloaded a bunch of books on BPD, co dependency, radical acceptance, the betrayal bond, the journey from abandonment to healing, etc. it helped to distract me and submerge myself in understanding the hurt, pain and ordeal I was in and am going through.

As far as her birthday, I know it hurts to hear, but it wouldn't matter if you wished her a happy bday. Right now she is focused on the replacement and getting the attention she needs. Trust me... .my ex BPDbf broke NC after 3 months via a dating site, a week after my birthday, with no mention of my birthday. However, when his birthday rolled around 3 weeks later, he made a point to text me a pic of him and 2 of his sons with the message: My boys and I last night celebrating my Birthday! I didn't respond or acknowledge the message, or his bday.

He's still with the replacement and obviously devaluing, getting ready to discard, BUT, trying to secure an attachment first by recycling me. It's all about them and their feelings and needs at that given moment.

[Deeno02]

Her's was October 1st... .I didnt say a thing. Mine was October 12th, nothing from her. Thank god. Neighbors told me she has been walking her dog past my house a few times though. Not looking into it to much. She lives 4-5 blocks away and its a free country after all... .

Is that an attempted "dog-by"?

Deeno... .she can walk her dog ANYWHERE ... .the fact that she is doing that is totally games being played by her. They are all so psycho... .sorry... .but it's true... .she is with another guy and you he STILL has to F with you. It just so immature.

Yeah. Huge subdivision and it has to be right by my house... !

[evilpepsi]

Why do they mess with us? It's driving me nuts. I'll be completely honest. I would probably recycle if given the opportunity.  But for now I'm remaining no contact. Seeing her drive by is just keeping in my mind, like peiper said, she is doing on purpose. What's the agenda here?

You know how recycle will turn out bro. Do you really want to lose her again? Especially when you haven't healed the damage from losing her this time. You're stronger than you think that you are. Trust in that strength... .

[Left broken and confused]

I am going through the same thing my ex BPDbf's birthday is on Friday and I am already getting anxious about texting him. I feel it is the right thing to do because I always promised I wouldn't abandon him even if we are not together.  I know it sounds crazy after everything he has done to me to feel I need to keep that promise to show him I am different but it's something I struggle with because of that hurt lost boy with no family I see in his eyes. One day I hope I will be done with my feelings for him but so far I am clearly not.

[evilpepsi]

I am going through the same thing my ex BPDbf's birthday is on Friday and I am already getting anxious about texting him. I feel it is the right thing to do because I always promised I wouldn't abandon him even if we are not together.  I know it sounds crazy after everything he has done to me to feel I need to keep that promise to show him I am different but it's something I struggle with because of that hurt lost boy with no family I see in his eyes. One day I hope I will be done with my feelings for him but so far I am clearly not.

What do you hope to gain by that? Do you really think that he even remembers that promise? Or even cares about that promise? All that promise will be to him is something for you to throw in his face. You made a promise to a person that metaphorically died when he left. You were let off of the hook from that point on... .

[Left broken and confused]

What do you hope to gain by that? Do you really think that he even remembers that promise? Or even cares about that promise? All that promise will be to him is something for you to throw in his face. You made a promise to a person that metaphorically died when he left. You were let off of the hook from that point on... .[/quote]
Hi Evil Pepsi

I do understand your point completely but I also feel I am not the one who is ill he is and for me to treat him like he doesn't matter makes me as bad as the parents who abandon him as a child which made him this way. I myself know I am a better person than that and even if it is for my own peace since he may not appreciate it I will send a simple happy birthday

[evilpepsi]

What do you hope to gain by that? Do you really think that he even remembers that promise? Or even cares about that promise? All that promise will be to him is something for you to throw in his face. You made a promise to a person that metaphorically died when he left. You were let off of the hook from that point on... .

Hi Evil Pepsi

I do understand your point completely but I also feel I am not the one who is ill he is and for me to treat him like he doesn't matter makes me as bad as the parents who abandon him as a child which made him this way. I myself know I am a better person than that and even if it is for my own peace since he may not appreciate it I will send a simple happy birthday [/quote]
That person that you are concerned with no longer exists. It was a just a manifestation of who he wanted to be because of your influence in his life. The person that he is now is probably miles away from who he was then.

We have to walk a thin line between caring and enabling. My point of view in all of this is that I'll always love her but I do NOT have to be with her in order to love her. I can do it just as well from afar... .

[Left broken and confused]

I just don't think I have gotten to the point of accepting I was in  4 year relationship with a shell of a person or with myself.