Scared

[Roxy_mom]

My son has always been a difficult child.  Everyone has always, for as long as I can remember, walked on egg shells around him. He exhibits many BPD traits is is scheduled for a psych evaluation.   As he is approaching his 18th birthday his behavior is spiraling out of control.  A very manipulative girlfriend is not helping matters but literally destroying what relationship I have left with him.  I am at my wits end.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Roxy_mom]

I am at my wits end with my 17 year old son.  He is going to be 18 in a few days and I letter ally am torn with emotions over how he treats me.  I feel like I'm on a swinging going back and forth faster and faster and I can get off.  He has many BPD traits and is going for a psych eval as part of his OVR transition.  A manipulative girlfriend has made my life a living hell the past few months... .I just want to run away and let his father (yes we are divorced) deal with him.  I just want to dump everything in his lap for a change and deal with the mood swings, the temper, the suicide threats to keep the girl around... .

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Roxy_mom & 

I'm very sorry for all the trauma and pain you have been going through with your son; so many of the parents posting on this Board know just how you feel... .You are in the right place for support, advice and insights for sure.

What is an "OVR transition"? I'm glad that he is going for a psych evaluation; if he receives a diagnosis (of anything; who knows if he will be diagnosed with BPD at this time), will he be able to get into and continue with Therapy? I know how terrible it is to have a child with troubles, who does self-destructive things that we can't seem to do anything about; I am here because of my adult (37) son who was diagnosed with BPD in April 2013 after a Suicidal Ideation that landed him in the Psych Ward of our local hospital.

I'd like you to know that with the proper diagnosis and Treatment, my son is now in recovery and is the happiest and healthiest he's ever been. His story is here: My Son's Recovery-In-Progress Story, and maybe it will give you some hope regarding your son? I do know that a romantic relationship break-up did precipitate some Suicidal Ideations in my own son (though the last one that led to his diagnosis was because of something else), and it can tear a mother's heart apart to see her child in such pain

Actually, would your son's father be in the position or right frame of mind to take custody of your son and his problems? Do they actually get along? Is he nearby? Is he a good influence on your son? If so, that could be a relief for you after all this time... .Please take a look at the link I gave you above, and also every link to the right-hand side of this page... .the TOOLS and THE LESSONS have been invaluable to my sanity and my family, helping me guide my son to his wonderful recovery. Keep reading and posting here, Roxy-mom. We want to help 

[Mutt]

Hi Roxy_mom,



I would like to join Rapt Reader and welcome you. It's frustrating, confusing and painful to watch a loved one display BPD traits.

You describe the feeling well. It's like "walking on eggshells" with the behaviors and reactions from a loved one are disproportionate and feel like it doesn't make sense.

Rapt Reader has given you very helpful information.

What's the back-story on his new gf? How is she getting in the middle of you and S17?

It sounds like you're not getting support from exH with your S17 and you have the lion's share of responsibilities. Am I wrong in assuming this?

I'm sorry you are going through this  I'm glad that you have found us. There is hope.

[Roxy_mom]

Thank you for being here.  OVR is Occupational Vocational rehabilitation.  A necessary transition part of his iep.  (He's had ulcerative colitis since 3 years old). I've always blamed or rationalized his anger on being sick and the ramifications having u/c left on him.  But it is oh so much more anymore.  As I look over the symptoms and watched the video I literally had tears streaming down my face thinking that's him, that's him, that's him... .Typical behavior for him would be storming out of a room when he didn't like something.  When I try to talk to him he doesn't want to hear my point of view.  Sticks his fingers in his ears and hums and rocks back and forth.  His maturity level certainly is disproportionate to his size.  Up till now I've been able to deal with him and his tamtrums but since the arrival of the girl last year and the onslaught of sexual behavior I am fighting a losing battle.  She has manipulated him into letting her drive his car "to prove he loves her" even though she is only 15  has lied to him about her age for over a year.  she has cheated in him numerous times and he goes frantic trying to get her back.  I have had to stop giving him any money at all.  I have restricted the use of tHe car and have been called evey name in the book by them.  She has gone as far as to say she hopes something kills me, of which he laughed and agreed.  My heart felt like it was being ripped out of my chest.  I'm wrong she's right end of story in everything.

As far as his dad, he sees him so infrequently that he doesn't ever see anything wrong.  When he does go it's only short visits to do fun stuff.  I have spoken to him and nothing ever seems to be worrisome enough to him... .He's just a teenager in love... .I couldn't get him to even look at any colleges, then got yelled at for not taking him.  I have done everything I possibly could to assure a college education for him and he's like "whatever". Yea ok I guess if gf thinks it ok.  If I make one comment about her not paying for it he flies into a rage then in 20 minutes is sweet as honey to me( which I now know as the manipulative behavior) I had my first counseling appointment yesterday but can't get back in for a month so I think how is that going to help me in the here and now... .

[Mutt]

Hi Roxy_mom,

Your in wonderful hands on this board. I'm sorry, I can't offer advice with T for a child.

It sounds like his dad doesn't show concern.

It also sounds like your S17 has the gf as the good person and you as the bad person. 3 people make a triangle, a Karpman Drama Triangle, a lose- lose situation as anything you say to either you're the bad person.

What does triangulation mean?

Here's an alternative to the Karpmann Drama Triangle, The Empowerment Dynamic (TED)

More on The Empowerment Dynamic from www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_empowerment_dynamic

And wikipedia has a long page on Transactional Analysis too.

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis

I hope that helps

Hang in there.

--Mutt

[Kate4queen]

My BPD son was at his most difficult and poisonous to be with age 16-20. I almost gave up.

For us, getting therapy for me and my DH, learning how to deal better with my son's rants, rages, drug use etc etc, to separate ourselves from him, to raise boundaries for ourselves and not to react to him out of fear, obligation and guilt was a long slow process.

I can tell you that he is 23 now and although we have no physical contact with him, by his choice, we do allow him to live with his younger brother in an apartment we pay for and pay him a small allowance which is coming down as he has recently found a job. (a miracle). So there is hope. When he walked out of our family home at 20, we thought it was the end of the world. Actually it was the beginning of a far better and less rage full relationship on both sides.

So protect yourself, set boundaries for you and if you can get some degree of separation between you, I'd definitely recommend it.

[Roxy_mom]

 I know that my not understanding a lot of why he was acting the way he way acting has lead to a riff that I can only hope is repairable.  I couldn't help but look at other kids and their families and think why can't it be like that for me, why doesn't he love me enough, I've done everything I could to give him a good life yet it wasn't enough.  I fear that I have driven the situation out of ignorance and my own need to try to get him to act the way I wanted him to act.  He had spent the week skiing with his dad and my biggest fear is that since I'm sure he held himself in check out of fear of his dad that he won't want to come home.  I know in my heart one week on vacation isn't a true indication of what his true behavior is like so Ill be blamed for all the fights and problems of the past few months.  He want disclose his part or actions at all.  How can it be that I have such mixed feelings?  I part of me really truly wants his dad and step mom to see the true him, the one that emerges when he doesn't get his own way, or is questioned about grades, etc... .But fear swaps in that maybe it is all my fault and he wouldn't be that way living with them and I'm just a big failure as a mother... .

[Mutt]

Don't be hard on yourself. You didn't understand  

He's wired differently.

Feelings = facts to a pwBPD. Feelings are followed after facts for non-disordered.

I can only hope is repairable.

I fear that I have driven the situation out of ignorance and my own need to try to get him to act the way I wanted him to act

Change comes from you. Change doesn't come from someone else.

You're making positive strides with getting information on BPD.

[Kate4queen]

Here's the thing. He 'will' paint you black to his dad and step parent. It's the only way he can justify his actions in his own unique world view. You didn't make him like that. It's just the way his brain is wired. You didn't cause his condition and you can't allow yourself to take all the blame. He's not playing the same game as you, your normal rules of behavior and expectations don't apply to him because he doesn't think -he acts on his emotions as Mutt says above.

And also at some point? Most BPD kids can't maintain the facade and other family members get to see what they are really like when they become the one painted black. Seriously, all you can do is protect yourself, get some therapy and stop blaming yourself for everything. You aren't the one who caused this. If you accept all the blame you are allowing your son to exploit you and not take any responsibility for his own actions. That's not fair on you when you've done everything you can to be the best parent you can be.

[Roxy_mom]

Thanks for the support.  I am slowly coming to the realization that it's not my fault. I know I did the best I could raising him. I now understand why to him it was never good enough. I am getting counseling and hopefully can stop myself from being drawn in by him... .I'm learning so much on here.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders