Social media addiction from a soBPD

[Cole]

Curious, has anyone else had problems with social media addiction from a soBPD?

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[Ripped Heart]

Yes, mine has an addiction to FB. Not so much posting on there all the time but is constantly checking it on her phone. Can't even watch something on TV for more than 20 mins before the phone or tablet is picked up and she is scrolling through everyone's statuses.

I've often wondered if it's to give her reassurance that there are people in her life.

[maxsterling]

A weird addiction to facebook.  She will hate it one day, but endlessly scroll through the updates the next, and then complain about how stupid it is.  She has even picked up her phone to scroll through facebook immediately after sex.  And last night, she complained that I wasn't cuddling her in bed, and I remarked that I would like to, but she was busy on facebook.  And she will complain endlessly about people posting stupid updates, yet she will post the same stupid things. 

I think she does it because she is bored. 

[Cole]

We have had some major fights about FB. As I posted on another thread, she was at one time on FB whenever she was not sleeping or at work. I'm talking every weeknight and all day Saturday and Sunday. I took the kids hiking one Saturday and it took her 4 hours to realize we were gone. That was a wake-up call for her and she has done better about staying off FB and being more engaged, though with some minor relapses.

Texting is another serious issue. We have agreed that on "date nights" her phone stays home. Don't plan a night out with me and spend all your time texting.

I firmly believe social media is a social ill that is contributing to the breakdown of the family, but is much worse when you toss BPD into the recipe. The constant connections with other people, drama, and supply of uninhibited communication is like crack cocaine to the pwBPD.    

A weird addiction to facebook.  She will hate it one day, but endlessly scroll through the updates the next, and then complain about how stupid it is.

Been down that road, too. One day she is complaining about how addictive FB and texting is and that she hates it. The next day I cannot get her to stop. Oh, the mind of a pwBPD... .

[joshbjoshb]

People that have a mental disorder have less ability to control themselves... .so it can manifest in many ways.

[Crumbling]

It's an escape.  A place to get into other people's business and get a sense of importance from being involved, but in fact, it's all a facade.  They hide behind the screen, and don't know anything about real social behaviour.  My daughter was hooked on the internet/mobile texting.  She couldn't order a coffee by herself in a coffee shop, but she could manage 1274 fb 'friends'.

And what Josh said, I echo.  The disorder makes them more subject to getting into all sorts of other addictions, etc.  In fact, my BPDh's T said it was part of the diagnosis, to have other mental illnesses as well.

A sad but truthful movie about the social media topic is Men, Women and Children.  It really shows how our connection to the entire world has caused a transformation of society into accepting the  disassociation of personal connections as the norms.  Not really about fb, but the internet and texting in general.  Powerful, but sad.  Cole, if you watched something like this with her, would it open a discussion and perhaps help her look at her own behaviours?

 , to a brave new year, friends!

c.

[Tim300]

Mine was addicted to Facebook.  Constantly checking her news feed.  Also, her and her mother (also BPD) were constantly answering surveys that post on the news feeds and also posting random quotes and infographics constantly.       

[waverider]

Easier to live in an imaginary world of smoke and mirrors. Even telephone relationships are common.

Distance is a buffer to protect from exposure and scrutiny

[Cole]

Easier to live in an imaginary world of smoke and mirrors. Even telephone relationships are common.

Distance is a buffer to protect from exposure and scrutiny

Interesting observation. I have noticed my wife tends to live in fantasy world at times. She watches movies and becomes the characters in then for a while, as if being someone else is a shield from people seeing and judging the real her.   

[waverider]

Easier to live in an imaginary world of smoke and mirrors. Even telephone relationships are common.

Distance is a buffer to protect from exposure and scrutiny

Interesting observation. I have noticed my wife tends to live in fantasy world at times. She watches movies and becomes the characters in then for a while, as if being someone else is a shield from people seeing and judging the real her.   

My partner struggles to watch tv as she takes it all as real and happening to her, it can be very distressing. I think this comes from struggling with their own identity as an individual.

[eyvindr]

Oh, geez, yeah. When I started dating my udBPDexgf, she used to boast about how she thought all that social media stuff was stupid, and she had virtually zero online presence. Which was fine -- kind of retro, even -- I dug it. I, on the other hand, have been all over the web since I first used Netscape back in the day -- and I use social media for my work, so have profiles with lots of sites. As you might guess, this began to cause problems. At first, I encouraged my ex to join something -- I thought it would actually help her get her attention fix in a harmless way. But she basically created a bunch of profiles just so she could monitor my online interactions -- which again was fine (I thought), since I don't have anything to hide. So imagine my frustration and disappointment when, within hours of her getting online -- and still having no clue how to even use these sites -- she began accusing me of flirting with other women, and hiding our relationship, and presenting myself as "a cool single guy," etc.

Ugh. She basically seems to view the entire web as a single as a dating site, I think. I couldn't take the abuse, so I deactivated my FB page. Nevermind that she continually did all the things she used to rant at me over -- adding people she doesn't know, "liking" flirty posts guys made on her page, posting pics of sexy girls -- and if I called her on the double standard, she denied it, and said she only did it to make me jealous. Totally juvenile.

What I find most interesting is that the more righteous her postings got, the more accurate a portrait of herself she conveyed -- like, you can always tell when she's dysregulated by the surge in self-pitying and angry "don't mess with this b***h!" memes that she'd start posting frantically, one after another.

I'm still off FB. She, on the other hand, has created her own little virtual mutual admiration society. So self-serving and superficial -- everything she used to rage about when I was on. I always tried to respond that it's just FB -- don't take anything too seriously online. But, still, I got off of it, in an attempt to limit conflict with her and improve our r-ship.

And now, we're apart, and it has become her life. 

[waverider]

Oh, geez, yeah. When I started dating my udBPDexgf, she used to boast about how she thought all that social media stuff was stupid, and she had virtually zero online presence. Which was fine -- kind of retro, even -- I dug it. I, on the other hand, have been all over the web since I first used Netscape back in the day -- and I use social media for my work, so have profiles with lots of sites. As you might guess, this began to cause problems. At first, I encouraged my ex to join something -- I thought it would actually help her get her attention fix in a harmless way. But she basically created a bunch of profiles just so she could monitor my online interactions -- which again was fine (I thought), since I don't have anything to hide. So imagine my frustration and disappointment when, within hours of her getting online -- and still having no clue how to even use these sites -- she began accusing me of flirting with other women, and hiding our relationship, and presenting myself as "a cool single guy," etc.

Ugh. She basically seems to view the entire web as a single as a dating site, I think. I couldn't take the abuse, so I deactivated my FB page. Nevermind that she continually did all the things she used to rant at me over -- adding people she doesn't know, "liking" flirty posts guys made on her page, posting pics of sexy girls -- and if I called her on the double standard, she denied it, and said she only did it to make me jealous. Totally juvenile.

What I find most interesting is that the more righteous her postings got, the more accurate a portrait of herself she conveyed -- like, you can always tell when she's dysregulated by the surge in self-pitying and angry "don't mess with this b***h!" memes that she'd start posting frantically, one after another.

I'm still off FB. She, on the other hand, has created her own little virtual mutual admiration society. So self-serving and superficial -- everything she used to rage about when I was on. I always tried to respond that it's just FB -- don't take anything too seriously online. But, still, I got off of it, in an attempt to limit conflict with her and improve our r-ship.

And now, we're apart, and it has become her life. 

My partner is a complete dinosaur when it comes to computers and the online world. Cant send an email and doesn't even know what a browser is let alone open it.

I don't encourage her to try, as it will open up a whole new obsessive tool that she wont be able to control

[eyvindr]

Yep.

I don't encourage her to try, as it will open up a whole new obsessive tool that she wont be able to control.

If I knew then what I know now... .I never imagined it could get so completely out of control. Of course, I never would've imagined someone I loved, who loved me, could behave this way, but... .bippidee-boo. Live and learn, as they say.

[butterfly 27]

mine deleted your facebook account several times but always came back a few days later. She is also addicted to video games, if it is not on facebook is because she is playing games. 

[Lady Sirrah]

Yes! Yes! Yes! Did I say Yes?

Just reading through the replies I can see now that I am not alone. My BPDh is addicted to Facebook. He has to be on it constantly. He doesn't post much at all but reads through everyone else's stuff. He is like a spy on there. When he does post stuff he constantly checks to see how many people have liked it and brags if it is a good number. We have had numerous episodes because of stuff he has seen on my page. I actually had to disable my account numerous times as a consequence for his actions. I have even made a boundary that he is not to be on it when it is our special time together. We can't get through a TV show without him checking it. I constantly watch him go through the splitting when he sees certain stuff on Facebook. He blocks and unfriends people constantly. Crazy. Lol.

I really believe he is using Facebook to validate that he has friends and people who like him.

[Lady Sirrah]

One more thing. He has also used Facebook (before we were married) to have sexual, intimate relationships.

Also, he is very open with me about his Facebook account. He has given me his password and invites me to check his stuff so I know that he is faithful. I told him that I trust him and have no need to check his stuff.

I am not sure what this is about yet. Is he possibly using the knowledge that I have access to his account to control his sexting behavior? I wonder.

[Tim300]

He blocks and unfriends people constantly. Crazy. Lol.

Haha.  Classic BPD.

[vortex of confusion]

Easier to live in an imaginary world of smoke and mirrors. Even telephone relationships are common.

Distance is a buffer to protect from exposure and scrutiny

I wanted to comment on this as I have had my bouts of being on FB too much. I spend more time on FB when my spouse is home because he is so checked out. I can escape into the computer and forget the fact that I am sitting in a house with a husband that would rather be playing his computer games or doing his thing than spend time with me and the kids.

For me, it isn't about the distance as much as it is an easy way to escape the pain of living in a crappy marriage with somebody that acts like it is a chore to sit with me and talk to me. It helps me feel less isolated.

[vortex of confusion]

He doesn't post much at all but reads through everyone else's stuff. He is like a spy on there. When he does post stuff he constantly checks to see how many people have liked it and brags if it is a good number. We have had numerous episodes because of stuff he has seen on my page. I actually had to disable my account numerous times as a consequence for his actions. I have even made a boundary that he is not to be on it when it is our special time together. We can't get through a TV show without him checking it. I constantly watch him go through the splitting when he sees certain stuff on Facebook. He blocks and unfriends people constantly. Crazy. Lol.

I unfriended my husband on FB. He would be on there all day while at work. I could see the little green light showing that he was online. That wasn't as bad as when he would turn chat off and then send me a message out of nowhere. If I would come online, he would message me or call me. Now that he isn't my friend any more, he isn't monitoring everything that I say and do and trying to interpret everything that I post.

[waverider]

One more thing. He has also used Facebook (before we were married) to have sexual, intimate relationships.

Also, he is very open with me about his Facebook account. He has given me his password and invites me to check his stuff so I know that he is faithful. I told him that I trust him and have no need to check his stuff.

I am not sure what this is about yet. Is he possibly using the knowledge that I have access to his account to control his sexting behavior? I wonder.

Unless he has a second hidden account for more "personal' stuff. Is the account you see too 'perfect" to be true