Accepting my own neediness

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Since I joined the family about a week ago, I've read all sorts of things that have challenged me. When my fella 'wished me a nice life' a fortnight ago, I was so sure he was the one with the problem. I even told him 'It is YOU'. I couldn't see my part in it. Day by day, I have gone from one uncomfortable revelation to another. I now realise that I am co-dependent and that is actually a problem. I was always so sure that I wasn't a rescuer because I didn't relate to needing to be needed, however, I knew I was 'giving' with hope of receiving in return, but I didn't see how manipulative that was until I read an article. Now I also know that I have been hiding behind his problems, feeling better about me because I could feel worse about him and I feel really awful about me for doing that to someone I profess to love.

Right now, I am having further thoughts about my part in what happened when we split up. He wanted to know when he would see me next. My immediate feeling was physical, like a punch in the stomach, I wanted to run away, I interpreted my feeling as a reaction against his being demanding. I got angry. I said I felt 'hounded' by him and I accused him of setting up situations in which I would reject him. And the argument built from there. But, since when is it unreasonable to ask your girlfriend when you are going to meet up next?

Today, I had the same reaction to him simply sending me a text (despite us having spent a constructive day talking through things honestly together).  What's unreasonable about this, is that I'd spent the last hour picking up the phone wanting to get a text from him, yet as soon as he did, I felt he was being demanding. My immediate thought was anger that he was being clingy. My second thought was this: 'What if I am projecting my own neediness, desperation, clinging onto him?' You see, I spent the last fortnight obsessing about him. He's been busy with his writing. I've spent the last fortnight desperate to hear from him, carrying my phone around in case a text came and checking my email account far too frequently. When not directly obsessing, I've been on this website, it's still obsessing but at least it's constructive. Who is the clingy one around here?

I've been thinking about my neediness. It feels like I've let a monster out of the cupboard and that monster is going to consume me. When I want to run from intimacy, am I really running from my own neediness and blaming it on him? And what lies beneath it all. I've read about dissociation and projection and I'm wondering what I have disowned from my own experience. I hate the fact I am feeling worse and worse about myself as I discover the games I have been playing with him to maintain good feelings about myself.

Lifewriter

[Lifewriter16]

Since I joined the family about a week ago, I've read all sorts of things that have challenged me. When my fella 'wished me a nice life' a fortnight ago, I was so sure he was the one with the problem. I even told him 'It is YOU'. I couldn't see my part in it. Day by day, I have gone from one uncomfortable revelation to another. I now realise that I am co-dependent and that is actually a problem. I was always so sure that I wasn't a rescuer because I didn't relate to needing to be needed, however, I knew I was 'giving' with hope of receiving in return, but I didn't see how manipulative that was until I read an article. Now I also know that I have been hiding behind his problems, feeling better about me because I could feel worse about him and I feel really awful about me for doing that to someone I profess to love.

Right now, I am having further thoughts about my part in what happened when we split up. He wanted to know when he would see me next. My immediate feeling was physical, like a punch in the stomach, I wanted to run away, I interpreted my feeling as a reaction against his being demanding. I got angry. I said I felt 'hounded' by him and I accused him of setting up situations in which I would reject him. And the argument built from there. But, since when is it unreasonable to ask your girlfriend when you are going to meet up next?

Today, I had the same reaction to him simply sending me a text (despite us having spent a constructive day talking through things honestly together).  What's unreasonable about this, is that I'd spent the last hour picking up the phone wanting to get a text from him, yet as soon as he did, I felt he was being demanding. My immediate thought was anger that he was being clingy. My second thought was this: 'What if I am projecting my own neediness, desperation, clinging onto him?' You see, I spent the last fortnight obsessing about him. He's been busy with his writing. I've spent the last fortnight desperate to hear from him, carrying my phone around in case a text came and checking my email account far too frequently. When not directly obsessing, I've been on this website, it's still obsessing but at least it's constructive. Who is the clingy one around here?

I've been thinking about my neediness. It feels like I've let a monster out of the cupboard and that monster is going to consume me. When I want to run from intimacy, am I really running from my own neediness and blaming it on him? And what lies beneath it all. I've read about dissociation and projection and I'm wondering what I have disowned from my own experience. I hate the fact I am feeling worse and worse about myself as I discover the games I have been playing with him to maintain good feelings about myself.

Lifewriter

[an0ught]

Hi Lifewrite16,

there is a lot of anger in your post. I guess some of it is still from the last crisis  . In the past you probably judged your partner harshly. Now you are judging yourself harshly. There is real value in thinking some things through   But then there is value in accepting and having compassion too. Maybe even for yourself  

Working through these feelings is painful and it takes time  

[Indiegrl]

Lifewriter :-)

Still more here for me to recognize :-) I feel like I am driving the same rollercoaster myself. Swinging back and forth, sometimes convinced "he is the crazy one", other times I get terrified over my own miserable choice of path, my reactions, my interpretations.

I think it´s a process. For now and some good time into the future, the pendulum will swing... . and finally it will settle, somewhere in the middle. Where the aggression is gone, where I no longer feel this despaire, this confusion, this sense of not understanding what the h... . I´ve been experiencing for the last two years. I HOPE. (Haha: My words sound like mumbojumbo even to me now, haha, but it still feels comforting to write )

It´s a week since I had to admit to myself - in shock, who would have believed? - that I too am codependent. ME? I´m no people pleaser, oh no, I´m veery good at understanding the boundaries between you and me. Yeah, right... .  BUT, and here´s my point: I already feel better admitting it! I understand more and more about myself, and in one hand it feels awful, on the other hand it feels empowering.

Because: The more I know about myself, the better equipped I am for the road ahead. To stay strong when needed, (in order) to be vulnerable and soft at most times 

I do believe TIME is our best friends in this. And friends too. Music. A nice red wine perhaps, a good meal. Mindfulness. There are so great things in life, and I will not loose sight of them. (ups, mumbojumbo-alarm ringing loud now... . hmmmmm).

I´m a wreck these days. Have had almost a little week feeling a bit stronger and more decesive about myself, but the last days, more and more obsessing about him. About our good times. 90% of our relationships has been a bliss. And him throwing all this away (for what?) - it´s so hard do believe. It is as if I can´t really trust what is happening, that he is doing this; leaving, hating, being so angry (for what?). Leaving my kids who love him to bits! (This anger I haven´t confronted yet   ) I can´t grasp how he can do it - it doesn´t make any sense!

Look that´s what happens when I apply my own "schema" for things, use my own logic. Ouch, it hurts. Going back to thinking he probably has BPD (does he suspect? Does his family suspect? Why didn´t anyone tell me? I wish I knew!). Ouch. Hurts as well. No rest for the wicked, huh?

Sorry my ranting in your thread.

Keep on writing your life, Lifewriter. It all makes sense. We´ll get through.