Can Some BPDs have great social skills?

[eagle1206]

Hello - I am recovering from a BPD break-up. One of the reasons I entered into relationship was her apparently enviable social circle. She joined here from another country with her son and left within 3 months, so she did not have any connections here prior to coming to my town. However, after the break-up, she is able to gather similar circle around her and manage here with kid without driving experience and limited resources, which I was providing.

I have read that generally, BPDs will have troubles in social settings. I keep wondering how easy it is for her to make friends and manage all the things on her own, of course with the tremendous help and support of others.

Same traits attracted me and my family - very personable, pleasing appearance, apparently good friend circle, poor girl with bad luck and trying rebuild her life, honest etc. Which, I realized was a very big mask. I would not have known about it, if I had not stumbled upon some of her prior emails and correspondences with other folks. Sometimes this makes me wonder as to how to read a person and how to apply these learning in future?

Just wondering if you have similar experiences, what you make out of it and what have you learned, how you apply these in your search for future life partners.

Appreciate your feedback.

[CloseToFreedom]

My uEXBPDgf has them only when she really needs them, she fakes it till she makes it. When we were together, she had almost no interest in contact with other people, male or female. I tried to motivate her to hang out with more people, instead of being so dependent on me, so I could also have more free time to hang out with mates. But she wouldn't have it. Only a few people she kept in contact with, and it would change every few months. After a while she finds faults in them paints them black, and she erases them out of her life.

Now that we're seperated, she's pretty much friends with everyone. Its a survival skill, she can't and don't want to get any attention from me anymore, so she has to get it from others. However, I was in the unique situation of observing her at my friends house during a party on New Years Eve, and I didn't really see her as social. She would laugh a bit and talk a bit, but didn't really engage in a lot of conversations. She mostly was happy when she would make a selfie and interact with the reactions on the photo on facebook and instagram. That's what she likes the most, apparently.

Just my two cents.

[Moselle]

Hi eagle1206,

Sorry to hear about your break-up

My wife is BP NP diagnosed, and though she has limited ability to converse with others, she has developed an extensive network of very powerful and influential contacts/ associates. She is incredibly talented in many ways and she's has used this to do favours and service to people she deems useful/ admirable. When I watch it all operate, I feel so sorry for her. She thinks she has many friends, but in reality they want things from her, not to be her friend. And all she desperately wants is someone to love her so she goes about doing things for other people all the time.

What's stopping you from developing your own close circle of friends?

[downwhim]

It was true, mine also faked it socially. He would call them "my friends." He had no friends in this town. He fought with everyone so no one liked him When I first met him he had a friend for 14 years he had worked with. He painted him black after screaming at him on the phone one day and never looked back. Obviously he has done the same with me.

I think borderlines are social misfits. They have poor self esteem and at least mine did not know how to engage in a conversation. He thought they always had to be controversial and he would start and argument. I guess that is why he lost his job at a large computer software firm. He started screaming at the group of men he supervised. The security guards had to escort him out to the car!

[Blimblam]

My ex is pretty good at seducing and validating others so she is able to sort of make people feel really special in that way she has

No problem making friends and everyone tends to think sea just the sweetest quiet girl that and she is unintimidating looking while at the same time gorgeous.

[Lucky Jim]

Sure, my BPDxW is incredibly charming and attractive, to the point that many regard her as the unofficial "mayor" of our small town.  But behind closed doors, she is an abusive alcoholic who goes on frequent rages and tirades.  Most in her social circle never see this side of her, or only catch glimpses of it, which is why none of our mutual friends could really appreciate the situation when we separated.  That's OK, because I know the truth and they don't.  So I have to agree, my BPDxW had great social skills, but underneath was in constant turmoil and rage just below the surface. LuckyJim.

[Moselle]

Blimblam,  this is so true. It's what caught me in the first place - seduction and validation. It's not real is it? I think it's just one of the facades.

[clydegriffith]

The BPDx is good at socializing with men because she likes the attention and wants be the girl that everyone wants to screw.

She does not socialize well with women for this for reason. She is threatened by anyone even remotely attractive because then all the men's attention will not be on her. She's never had anything nice to say about another woman; it's always rude comments about what someone's wearing or pointing out some minor imperfection. I remember we were at a party once and there was this drop dead gorgeous girl there and she immediatley commented that her outfit wasn't right.

[eagle1206]

I related to most of the posts. The society will never get the other side, what is going on behind closed doors, even her closet friends.

Moselle - I have a very good circle of friends, but I keep the family discussion limited with most of them. Most of my friends knew about our engagement, her travel and our union, but barring 1 or 2, no one knows the reasons for break-up. Even, many don't know yet about break-up. The reason being, I really like to keep family matters private and discuss with close friends in right settings. Not that I have to hide anything, but another reason is I also don't want to paint her black, if it is not absolutely necessary (with very closet ones, I had told all the things that happened).

However, my friend circle is not like where I have to be on social media 24x7 and be in touch everyday. We just know each other and trust.

I wonder when she can be so friendly and can spend days and do 'sleep over stays' with many people, whom she hardly knows for month to 3 months or so. I mean, how many of you will be comfortable with that? I know during her university break and while her son had school break, they were out for sleep over stays and most days for most of the days (like she not return to her apartments for 3-4 nights, hanging from one house to another - may be because, Christmas, new year, whatever reasons). I have observed that on several occasions. That kind of makes me wonder. It kind of crosses boundaries, but I think that is part of self assurance and to show other people how popular she is and get sympathy, or whatever she is seeking.

I know, it is hard to understand, but makes me wonder. How even people can be so accomodative? Definitely, needs some charm to make it happen. I am not jealous of that. It is just, that is not my life style. I know that was not her life style when she was in her country as well. It might be a part of getting self assurance or make connections for future gains.

[Moselle]

Eagle1206,

It sounds like you are really reflecting on your experience which is a good thing. I'm learning that their behaviour comes from a very different value system and that it often makes very little or no sense at all to me.

I'm so glad you have a close group of friends. That makes all the difference when facing such a difficult thing as a break up.

What was the feedback from the 1 or 2 friends you confided in? When I shared with some close friends that my wife has these problems they said " We knew already". That was a big surprise. Some get it, but unfortunately there are many that go with her nonsense stories. They ignore the facts and listen to her emotional renditions of how abusive I am. Those that do are not really friends anyway.

[eagle1206]

Hi Moselle - Thanks for your reply.

When I confided in, they asked me to absolutely let her go. I was not willing to let go without an honest try. Problem was that they knew me and they did not know her, as she is new here and never met them, in spite of we talking about meeting with them several times. But, they said, if before marriage this is going on, I should be extremely concerned. I was thinking then that key to my happiness lies with her and trying to get back to 'Saviour / Clinging' phase, which was a normal behaviour pattern until them, mostly saviour / knight / greatest person in the world. I did not know anything about BPD.

I asked another close friend, them only one she had met, if she called him or his wife, and he said no. He also said that "do you think we will believe it if she calls and says these things?".

I have another question, may not be a right forum. But, I am already started searching for my life partner. I feel that it is too early (barely 2-3 months after break up) and I am rushing to it. I have not processed it completely, not understood my vulnerabilities completely, but kind of feel its okay to just start talking with other prospective life partners. It is for 2 reasons, first - it takes really long time to know the person, second - it is also helping me to get my mind off of her. Third - It will be an uphill battle to find right partners give the history of divorce and another break-up.

Sometimes, I do feel that I have to get over that "dependency feeling", that my life partner will be a force behind my happy life, so will be I for her. Not that I am not happy when alone, but I had always dreamed of a great life partner and a family, and with days passing and with these experiences, I am kind of getting little more obsessed to pursue that dream even more, irrespective of recent past and unprocessed details.

I know it is too early, but wanted to ask you guys anyway, if this is okay to start pursuing other relationships so early or I need to really wait and get some answers? At this time, i just want to start talking and not pursue anything beyond that, but, I am in dual mind. Any feedback will be appreciated.

[nowwhatz]

My expdgf is a social genius. At her best she is also stunningly beautiful. I told her she should try out for the reality show Big Brother because I though she would be a lock to win $500,000 even though she does not speak fluent english and is a princess/diva type with zero athletic ability.

I have never seen anyone with better social skills.

[Moselle]

Eagle1206,

You said the following "I feel that it is too early"and "I feel that I have to get over that dependency feeling". This shows healthy self awareness.

My feedback is to pay attention to these feelings, I think they are steering you in the right direction.

The reality is that most of us play a co-dependent role in these types of relationships.  And it often stems from a childhood trauma/wound. There is a powerful attraction between these personalities and even if we understand it, determine not to have a similar relationship again, we can often fall into the same thing.

The key is to heal from these emotional wounds and develop healthy emotional/thought patterns that allow us to attract healthy potential partners. 

There's nothing stopping you from interacting with and developing healthy friendships with potential life partners, and when your feelings are telling you its OK, go for it.

[eagle1206]

Thanks Moselle and everyone for your insights

[Lucky Jim]

When I shared with some close friends that my wife has these problems they said " We knew already". That was a big surprise. Some get it, but unfortunately there are many that go with her nonsense stories. They ignore the facts and listen to her emotional renditions of how abusive I am. Those that do are not really friends anyway.

Totally agree, Moselle.  Some get it, which is nice.  The so-called friends I've lost in the b/u, however, were not really my friends, so that's OK if they want to buy into my BPDxW's dramas.

LuckyJim 

[FlyingAway]

My exBPD had limited social skills. She had 1 or 2 friends, and some peripheral acquaintances, but just before she moved out of town to another part of the country she told me that she didn't care if she ever saw or heard from them again. She had no friends from her childhood, or from college. She was also in pretty regular contact with an ex and his wife, but I have no reason to suspect that there was any ongoing physical relationship.

When she moved across the country, she called me a few times to tell me about the men she was working with, one of whom became my replacement. Any mention of women involved in this pretty close work circle involved derisive, seemingly jealous comments. The women were "stupid," "smelly," "flirted all the time," etc.

She's now with a guy who is 21 years her senior, although I think she might have been interested in a few of the younger (20 years younger than she) guys too. These people are drifters and wanderers, and she thinks this whole lifestyle is romantic, after working for nearly 20 in a professional field.

Her former "friends" were women. When she left her home here, it became all about the rough-and-tumble guys she works around.

She never seemed socially comfortable over the many years I knew her. Guess she fits the profile to a large degree... .

[KeepOnGoing]

Blimblam,  this is so true. It's what caught me in the first place - seduction and validation. It's not real is it? I think it's just one of the facades.

Yep, mine was quiet, hermit, poor. Told me she didn't have friends, only to find out she really had several! Very seductive and validating to suck you in. She sought out those who were wealthy or influential. I'm beginning to think she's a snob!

[Trog]

If your entire ego and world is wrapped up in mirroring others you better get good socially or you'll run out of supply. You'll be like a vampire with no teeth, you'll wither!

I was amazed at how people responded to her even when some of the things she would say were utterly insulting to me or even to them. Some people got it and would raise their eyebrows or keep her at a distance but amazingly some people really couldn't see anything. Even more amazingly some idiot couldn't see it at all and married her! Oh right... .