BPD ex won't let go

[lovenature]

I am new here.

I started a relationship with a woman who I suspect has BPD, HPD, NPD over 3 yrs. ago, I am 37 now and she is 17 yrs. older than me, it was wonderful in the "honeymoon" phase, during that time my Mom passed away and I thought I was involved with a kind, loving, empathetic woman, thinking it would be good for us to be together as she expressed her loneliness and depression. There were red flags fairly early that I excused or didn't see them as the warning signs they were.

Most of the typical BPD traits showed up in the devaluation phase, she was/is convinced of me being involved with numerous other women, even though in reality it was her that was unfaithful. Her dishonesty was the worst, and what has hurt me the most is that she never trusted me. I have learned that borderlines live in their own reality, where they need to be superior to everyone else, and their greatest fear is abandonment. Over the last 2+ yrs. I have desperately tried to get her to see reality (before I knew what BPD was), then trying to convince her to get help, she said she wanted to get better and would get help, but this was yet another lie.

I have tried to leave her a number of times over the last 16 months, I admit I have been "charmed" back, I am the helping/caring type by nature and she the needy victim. As the relationship progressively got worse and I grew more and more distant from her, I still had feelings for her and really wanted her to get help, it is astonishing how much some non-BPD's will accept from a borderline and still go back and try to make things work. I doubt she will ever get the help she so desperately needs.

I have gone no contact now for over 2 months, although she kept calling, leaving messages, and banging on my doors around Christmas time. I haven't heard from her for 2 weeks now, the last of her conduct was the typical I love you followed by hurtful stuff when I didn't respond. I am really trying to heal, although through my research on BPD I have to admit I have thoughts of her possibly getting better if she got help and really tried, stupid right? I don't know how things are going to go for sure, what I do know is I am left emotionally, mentally, and physically devastated. I needed peace during the worst time of my life, never imagining I would experience such turmoil, and be left lonely and heartbroken.

[Mutt]

Hi lovenature,



I would like to welcome you. I'm sorry to hear it's been difficult after the break-up. You feel lonely and emotionally exhausted  

It's hard when you decide it's best to end a r/s and a loved one makes thing so difficult. Many members here share similar stories.

You're right. She fears abandonment. At the center if this disorder is abandonment, abandonment fear, a narcissistic injury, the core wound of abandonment. She thinks everyone eventually leaves in her life. That said.

I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I can relate. Are you seeing a T?

[Infared]

I am new here.

I started a relationship with a woman who I suspect has BPD, HPD, NPD over 3 yrs. ago, I am 37 now and she is 17 yrs. older than me, it was wonderful in the "honeymoon" phase, during that time my Mom passed away and I thought I was involved with a kind, loving, empathetic woman, thinking it would be good for us to be together as she expressed her loneliness and depression. There were red flags fairly early that I excused or didn't see them as the warning signs they were.

Most of the typical BPD traits showed up in the devaluation phase, she was/is convinced of me being involved with numerous other women, even though in reality it was her that was unfaithful. Her dishonesty was the worst, and what has hurt me the most is that she never trusted me. I have learned that borderlines live in their own reality, where they need to be superior to everyone else, and their greatest fear is abandonment. Over the last 2+ yrs. I have desperately tried to get her to see reality (before I knew what BPD was), then trying to convince her to get help, she said she wanted to get better and would get help, but this was yet another lie.

I have tried to leave her a number of times over the last 16 months, I admit I have been "charmed" back, I am the helping/caring type by nature and she the needy victim. As the relationship progressively got worse and I grew more and more distant from her, I still had feelings for her and really wanted her to get help, it is astonishing how much some non-BPD's will accept from a borderline and still go back and try to make things work. I doubt she will ever get the help she so desperately needs.

I have gone no contact now for over 2 months, although she kept calling, leaving messages, and banging on my doors around Christmas time. I haven't heard from her for 2 weeks now, the last of her conduct was the typical I love you followed by hurtful stuff when I didn't respond. I am really trying to heal, although through my research on BPD I have to admit I have thoughts of her possibly getting better if she got help and really tried, stupid right? I don't know how things are going to go for sure, what I do know is I am left emotionally, mentally, and physically devastated. I needed peace during the worst time of my life, never imagining I would experience such turmoil, and be left lonely and heartbroken.

This is a great place to come to get support and help yourself heal and stay "safe".

You are doing all the right things to move forward and to love you. So be proud. It's not easy. You are also very aware of all of your feelings and attempting to work through them. I concur with Mutt... .I was turning inside out at the stage you are in right now and what really helped me a lot was finding a "good" therapist and a self help group... .it kept me from going insane I am convinced now.

It does get better and coming here there is a wealth of knowledge an people to share what is going on with you. I wish you good luck on your new journey! 

[lovenature]

Thanks for the info., advice and support.

I am reading "stop walking on egg shells" currently, next I plan to read "breaking free from boomerang love" and then probably "tears and healing". I have looked up a local therapist who specializes in BPD.

Something I didn't mention was that she lives right across the street from me, for years I never noticed her in any capacity other than just another neighbor, for what ever reason(s) I decided to get to know her, I've questioned why many times. No contact has been very tough, I try my best not to see or hear her, but inevitably there are times when I do. I want to live elsewhere, yet family issues keep me where I am for now. It is astonishing how you can feel so angry and disappointed at what has happened in the relationship, upset you didn't leave much sooner, yet still have thoughts of wanting to help her get better. I am 99.9% sure she will never accept responsibility for her part in the relationship going wrong, I now understand and accept my part in it.

BPD'S who admit they have a disorder and want to get help, and their non-BPD partners who stay and support them are both very courageous people, I wish them well in their efforts.

[Mutt]

"breaking free from boomerang love"

We have book reviews you may want to look at.

Book Reviews

My ex lives across the street from me as well. It was tough at first because I was fearful of running into her. I understand the anxiety. I'm indifferent, and I haven't run into her.