Slipped back into trap

[new2pain]

After having a really good saturday and dealing with lc until yesterday, we went to dinner last night. Things were going well for about 2 hours, we were discussing just our days and then convo turned to relationship. I had been planning on setting boundries and keeping it on topic. Things went well at first, very open understanding conversation, of course no accepting of any responsibility on her part and me trying to acknowledge her feelings and accepting my wrong doings with invalidating. Convo continued on the way back to her house, and I could see her beginig to detach from the convo I tried to defuse the situation, but she started to turn everything around and blame me for everything, it was my fault she cheated etc... .I told her I could accept things that I had done wrong but that I would not accept responsibility for her cheating.

I had been trying to set boundry that I could handle the past but would not continue to accept that behaviour.

Im really not even sure what happened next, she went after my buttons and I knew I was starting to get angry and asked if this meant she was going to stop talking to me now (silence is her favorite attack) of course the response was you were worried I was going to cheat and thats what happened and then she said since I told her she was going to stop talking thats what she was going to do. I have had little contact with her since I dropped her off.

Got a text saying that she just wanted to drink to forget and she will just have to deal with this later.

This morning she did answer the phone listened to what I had to say and responded with OK Im at work and will talk to you later, I told her that was fine and for her to call when she was ready, she said I wasnt being calm and to call her when I was... I was being very calm and trying not to add fuel to the fire. Texted her a while later and said I was calm for her to let me know when she was available. Reply "K"

I dont know how much more rollercoaster I can take I love her and realize she is not responsible for the cause of these actions, but having a hard time not thinkingshe is responsible for her continued actions when she does acknowledge that she knows she is doing wrong seldom apologizes but acknowledges.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[new2pain]

Just back from appointment with T advice; Go NC and get ready for Fatal Attraction... .ugh, anyone else been told this?

[Grey Kitty]

I know some of your pain there.

My wife cheated on me, and now is really upset... .and telling me she can't be in a relationship with me. (Not angry or raging, or even all that invalidating, unlike yours.) The best I can get from her is that it isn't acceptable for me to hold her accountable for her behavior... .or to have hurt and angry feelings from being betrayed by her.

Actually my wife is really really confused sounding when she talks about our relationship issues, and that's what I get from most mutual friends, not just my direct conversations. Dunno.

Your gf (exgf?) sure isn't giving you any confidence with how she's handling the issue of her prior cheating.

What do you expect from her or need from her differently than she's done?

[new2pain]

Grey Kitty,

Thanks for responding. Im sorry you are also dealing with this, I wouldn't wish this pain/confusion on anyone.

I think all that I would need is for her to agree that we could work on repairing our relationship and agree that it was not acceptable to be out drinking/dancing with others or keeping in contact with the other guy.

Unfortunately what I expect is for her to feel like what she did was so wrong and to convince herself to believe that I can not get over it, so a few days of no contact from her and then her starting to reach out to me

[new2pain]

After nc since friday morning and trying to take care of me and getting back to being the me I like... .Spent the day with 20yoDaughter, church, lunch and mall. While at the mall about 530 get a pic from her of a beer and it just says beer and bbq.

I didn't respond but its like she knows when im allowing myself to be happy and cant stand for it.

Soo confused if part of the BPD is fear of abandonment why am I the one feeling the pain of being abandoned while she is out like I never existed, is she trying to torture me?

[Grey Kitty]

Soo confused if part of the BPD is fear of abandonment why am I the one feeling the pain of being abandoned while she is out like I never existed, is she trying to torture me?

You probably have your own fear of abandonment. And even if you don't have excessive fear of it, it still hurts; there's no way around that.

What is she doing? She's busy distracting herself so she won't feel that sort of pain or fear herself, as best she can.

I wouldn't say that she is consciously trying to torture you... .but their abusive/controlling/etc. actions are remarkably well aimed at our weak spots.

Hang in there and keep on being the person you like being! (It is my struggle as well!)

[new2pain]

I don' t think I had a fear of being abandoned, but I do feel abandoned in a home we picked out together and decorated together.

Im really trying to understand, but each new action makes it that much more difficult.

Does the confusion ever go away?

[new2pain]

I just got a text from her saying "soo I guess were not talking"  Ugh!  I am questioning what Im doing, if I want to be with her why am I not responding

[braveSun]

Just back from appointment with T advice; Go NC and get ready for Fatal Attraction... .ugh, anyone else been told this?

Gosh I know what you mean!...  

I just started NC because of some behaviors around former partners I was not okay with.

Was not told the latter part, but it is up to me to take myself out of contact with her when my boundaries on infidelity and contacts with former partners (read recycling issues) are not being respected. Damn it hurts!...  

I rather feel that pain, though, than feel like s... .for not doing anything for myself in this situation.

I think for me the most disorienting part is to not know what I stand on, even though we have already agreed on what the NC was going to be about!...

I can relate to the feelings of 'being alone' in the house you both picked and decorated together, and having the feeling that she does things sometimes, where you feel like 'you never existed'. I feel that way too.

for doing things which make you feel better about yourself!