Introduction post

[Sarandipity]

Hi. What brought me here is that I'm married to a man whom I believe has BPD, and have been for over 30 years. He is very much a "controller." I have children, and we've been isolated most of our lives, but now that he is older and disabled, some of that is easing up and we have begun to live more normal lives.

Our relationship is still volatile, although less so than before. But still he prevents me to have any meaningful relationships outside ours. He I believe subconsciously subverts any and all open friendships I have and I've also lost contact with my entire family: brothers, sisters, parents. He uses religion as a method of control. He would be horrified to think I even entertained the idea that he has a mental- emotional problem and is "against" even the idea of therapy. Our youngest son has extreme issues as a result of his father's behavior, although lately they've resolved some conflicts and I see hope if I were to learn more about what I can do not to be an enabler.

I also have in reaction to him long term, developed some self-destructive tendencies. I feel horrible guilt at having been so weak and an enabler and giving in. As you can see, I talk too much. He actually counts my words. He can talk endlessly about absurdities but I can say nothing. Part of what changed his attitude is when I fell in love online with another man and he discovered this. I told him it was that he never showed he cared about me and always put me down. Here was someone who effusively proclaimed his love. I told him I he had even patted me on the head occasionally like you would a dog it would have helped. He realized then that he was wrong and that I had value.

Of course this is simplifying a bit. Just hearing that others may have gone through similar and that solutions exist helps enormously. I want to stop being an enabler for bad behavior and believe we are taking some steps, small but very real, to change all this.

Thanks for your time.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Vindi]

  Hi, don't be an enabler... .try to stop yourself from doing that, enabling does not help. Now, can you reconnect with your family, brothers and sisters, etc? reach out to them if you can. I think we all need some sort of

family relationship, or some type of friendships in our lives, that is healthy that is normal.

Boundaries are a way to start, set boundaries to reconnect with family and friends! you can do this, you have choices, and do not let anyone control that

part of your life. I think you may be looking for a support system, this place is great for that BUT you still need an outside support system, with real people in it, and that can start with your family.

How do you feel about reconnecting with your familY?

[Notwendy]

"As you can see, I talk too much. He actually counts my words. He can talk endlessly about absurdities but I can say nothing."


No, that's his opinion, but it doesn't have to be yours. You are free to decide yourself if you talk too much or not. 30 years of living under his opinion is going to shape anyone's mind.

Although you are upset at yourself for letting this go on, please forgive yourself. You do not need to punish yourself. It sounds from your posts as if you were a prisoner under his control with few choices. Understand that it takes a very insecure person to need to control someone like this.

Can you get some kind of support-therapy? I don't know what country or culture you are from- or what resources there are to help women.

[waverider]

The problem with allowing yourself to be isolated is you lose your benchmarks by which you can judge your own values.

Who are you? You may struggle to answer this question, if your life is devoted to staying out of trouble, rather than living your life by your own standards.

Waverider

[Notwendy]

Who are you?

That's a good question. However, if for 30 years someone else has been defining you, then it may be hard to know.

However, your posting here is that part of you that is seeking answers.