Hi all,
Been thinking a bit about my situation, trying to glance an end to this suffering and I think it's taking a lot of time to recover. I still miss her, and I have a difficult time trying not to think about her. It feels like withdrawal syndrome of my favorite drug, the worrying part is it feels like I stopped consuming this morning not months ago. I've been replaced two months after, with multiple partners, some of them at the same time. I am aware she had been in the need of talking to her T more often during those two months, like if she was enduring a very difficult time. She has found a job, and well payed one, so I believe she has many reasons to be optimistic about the future despite the fact that for a Borderline NOW is the only valid concept. It is hard to deal with the impression that her situation seems to have improved since the b/u, like if she had made the right move. I been struggling through all the stages of the grief process, often revisiting them in any order. There has been incapacitating depression and some better moments, but they invariably shift in patterns that are impossible to control. Almost anything about daily life triggers me and the flashbacks of situations and conversations begin defiling. The pain and sadness has never been carried on her part except for her own reasons, inherent to her disorder. I pull all the weight of the hopes and dreams that went down the drain. A great source of relief has been the notion that what happened to me will happen with every partner she ever has, as she isn't in the mood of doing anything about her disorder, she lives in denial despite being Dx. Her FOO they also enable her and deny the disorder.
It is a horrible disorder.
Keep strong guys. We shall overcome this.
Hi painted black and congrats on the 100 days.
Have you thought about not keeping tabs on what is going on in her life?
Truly the only way to heal is n/c which means not knowing anything, if possible through any venues available. If you have children or have shared prop or are still not divorced l/c might be needed. If not, n/c gives you the time and space to come out of the fog and really start to heal and lower the chances of another recycle and giving yourself a chance to think about yourself a little more instead of focusing so much energy still on them and what they are doing.
Maybe it would be good for you to think about yourself and your feelings about you. Focusing on her disorder and what she is doing is her job and her business.
Healing you is your project, fixing her is a doctors job, analyising her is a trained therapists job.
We can not fix them through giving them our hearts, souls, money or more brain space after it is over. They have a disorder.
Hugs to you and a toast to your 100 days. I'm looking forward to hearing about books, tools or steps you have taken to feel better and start focusing on you for the next 100.
Rifka
