I'm so sad today...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have been NC for a month and broke it to reply to a message from my expwBPD asking me to return his stuff that he left at my house. 

I didn't know how to do that, was feeling so low and tired and every time I tried to even think about it I just felt worse and couldn't deal with it.  A friend offered to help me because I really wanted his stuff out of my house... .thing hat were constant reminders of having lost him to this illness.  I'm not even sure I ever really had him and am still so shaken and confused and lost.

So with help I packed it all up and took it to the storage container where all his other stuff has been abandoned - he is living with his mother at the moment because he can't cope with living alone.

My expwBPD is a good man with a cruel illness.  He is suffering loss and emptiness and pain and his life is a mess. He's lost all the people who he loved and who loved him, he's lost his young son and he's lost his career.  I feel so sad for him.

Don't get me wrong though, I feel bad for myself too because for two and a half years I tried to love him and stay with him and understand him but in the end his pushing and pulling, emotional abuse and constant up and down got too much and I decided to protect myself.

I question how and why I could have found myself in that situation and have concluded that I was attracted to him and was drawn to him because I thought I could help him - save him, and in doing so save myself... .  Kind of messed up I know!

But I miss him, the good person he is, the kind and a loving man that I spent time with.  We had many months when things would be good and I miss that.

There is no going back though.  The relationship nearly broke me.  I've sadly reinstated the blocks on my phone tonight so that he can't contact me again. 

I feel so sad and so low tonight and alone... .

[janey62]

I have been NC for a month and broke it to reply to a message from my expwBPD asking me to return his stuff that he left at my house. 

I didn't know how to do that, was feeling so low and tired and every time I tried to even think about it I just felt worse and couldn't deal with it.  A friend offered to help me because I really wanted his stuff out of my house... .thing hat were constant reminders of having lost him to this illness.  I'm not even sure I ever really had him and am still so shaken and confused and lost.

So with help I packed it all up and took it to the storage container where all his other stuff has been abandoned - he is living with his mother at the moment because he can't cope with living alone.

My expwBPD is a good man with a cruel illness.  He is suffering loss and emptiness and pain and his life is a mess. He's lost all the people who he loved and who loved him, he's lost his young son and he's lost his career.  I feel so sad for him.

Don't get me wrong though, I feel bad for myself too because for two and a half years I tried to love him and stay with him and understand him but in the end his pushing and pulling, emotional abuse and constant up and down got too much and I decided to protect myself.

I question how and why I could have found myself in that situation and have concluded that I was attracted to him and was drawn to him because I thought I could help him - save him, and in doing so save myself... .  Kind of messed up I know!

But I miss him, the good person he is, the kind and a loving man that I spent time with.  We had many months when things would be good and I miss that.

There is no going back though.  The relationship nearly broke me.  I've sadly reinstated the blocks on my phone tonight so that he can't contact me again. 

I feel so sad and so low tonight and alone... .

[christin5433]

I think the most important thing u wrote was this r/s broke you. I think we keep forgetting that. I had to remind myself early this morning how terrified I was of her during the period of her blackening me. Just stay NC it is the only way they learn too. This is def not a situation of a bad month or 3. Oops this is over . You will feel sad angry depressed stupid all these things I have and every once in a while I feel inner insight. I have no more social media Or any way to see or hear from her unless she texts . Which has come to a stop . I believe and have faith this is the best for me. I can't keep putting myself in this illness of brutal behavior and excuse it. It's a new way to think but I think I time and learning and honest evaluation I will put the puzzle together

[janey62]

Oh yes, it was awful and I was terrified often and anxious all the time.  My stress levels were dangerously high and when things were bad I felt as if I was constantly on the edge of my endurance... .

I think I've put the puzzle together christen.  I said it 'nearly' broke me, very nearly, but I am here, alive and surviving.  I feel battered and sad and exhausted but I am alive and so are you by the sound of it... . 

Sometimes it seemed as if he hated me, he had no feeling for me other than loathing and he was unrestrained in his verbal attacks on me and I would pray for him to leave and never come back.  Then he would be himself again, tired, ashamed and full of remorse.  He would see the whole thing, remember what he'd said and hate himself for having hurt me.  Then he would be calm and loving and kind and gentle and my heart was so grateful for it. 

It's so tragic because he was the one for me, not just because of the idealisation stages but because we got each other, were totally attracted to each other, he smelled right, his touch felt right, our minds were in sync, we could be together without words, and we had fun and he made me laugh until I cried... .he made me feel beautiful and taught me to like myself.

This is a cruel illness and it has taken away everything from both of us.

He tried to get help but it seems in this part of the world, the country, England, the NHS isn't very good at helping people with BPD and so we got no real help and now he's gone and I'm left with nothing but emptiness and aloneness.

I do know and hope that it will get better for me, that I will get strong again and stop hurting quite so much, that I will eventually find someone else to love, that I will have learned some valuable lessons from this awful experience, grown from it... . 

And I wouldn't have missed it for anything, knowing him and having him in my life was the best thing and the worst thing that ever happened to me.  It taught me to love, to truly care for someone else, taught me to value myself at last and allowed me some precious time with the man I believe was the other half of me. 

It's over - I'm never going back.

He is a good man with a bad illness.

[peace_seeker]

  Janey62!

I feel your pain babe. But I can tell you are a very strong lady from what you wrote. It is really very very sad that things have to end this way but it is also very important that you recognised he has an illness and you are clear about not going back. Trust that this pain and pass, and you will be loved again...

[christin5433]

Oh yes, it was awful and I was terrified often and anxious all the time.  My stress levels were dangerously high and when things were bad I felt as if I was constantly on the edge of my endurance... .

I think I've put the puzzle together christen.  I said it 'nearly' broke me, very nearly, but I am here, alive and surviving.  I feel battered and sad and exhausted but I am alive and so are you by the sound of it... . 

Sometimes it seemed as if he hated me, he had no feeling for me other than loathing and he was unrestrained in his verbal attacks on me and I would pray for him to leave and never come back.  Then he would be himself again, tired, ashamed and full of remorse.  He would see the whole thing, remember what he'd said and hate himself for having hurt me.  Then he would be calm and loving and kind and gentle and my heart was so grateful for it. 

It's so tragic because he was the one for me, not just because of the idealisation stages but because we got each other, were totally attracted to each other, he smelled right, his touch felt right, our minds were in sync, we could be together without words, and we had fun and he made me laugh until I cried... .he made me feel beautiful and taught me to like myself.

This is a cruel illness and it has taken away everything from both of us.

He tried to get help but it seems in this part of the world, the country, England, the NHS isn't very good at helping people with BPD and so we got no real help and now he's gone and I'm left with nothing but emptiness and aloneness.

I do know and hope that it will get better for me, that I will get strong again and stop hurting quite so much, that I will eventually find someone else to love, that I will have learned some valuable lessons from this awful experience, grown from it... . 

And I wouldn't have missed it for anything, knowing him and having him in my life was the best thing and the worst thing that ever happened to me.  It taught me to love, to truly care for someone else, taught me to value myself at last and allowed me some precious time with the man I believe was the other half of me. 

It's over - I'm never going back.

He is a good man with a bad illness.

It's morning here and it's my worst time because my mind loves to awake me w soo many thoughts 80% negative. Haha but I get up and tell myself it's over and I know they are old tapes or CDs that play in me that I've lived through . These tapes are my thinking that I lived through in my r/s my ex in one word was brutal and that's the fact . But I let it happen so ... .I did love her and knew she had mental problems if anything I knew something wasn't right ! So it's my accountability to recognize its part my fault . So picking up my shattered heart and learning my lessons is my life. I keep praying for her daily that she have things I want in my life. It's healing and its forgiving not only her but me. It's a tool I don't share alot on this board because some find it bad but I'd you truely want to move on you have to forgive. I was badly treated read previous posts and I should just be pissed forever but what that does is keep me sick. I'm not a religious person but spiritual and I want acceptance it's my goal. Keep your head up identify ur feelings and walk through it. There is another side and maybe this is the best thing who knows to who and what the puzzle looks like when all put together. It's tragic and it's passionate to live and learn. You have a beautiful heart heart try to forgive . I hope my journey helps

[janey62]

It's morning here and it's my worst time because my mind loves to awake me w soo many thoughts 80% negative. Haha but I get up and tell myself it's over and I know they are old tapes or CDs that play in me that I've lived through

I know that, waking up in the morning is hard... .for the first few seconds I feel ok, warm and sleepy, then I remember that I'm alone in my house, that there's no-one to say good morning to and that the only human voice I will hear is my own talking to my dogs... .but it's ok really because they're pleased to see me  and I'd rather be alone than be waking up to the kind of tension and fear I had then.  Its peaceful... .this is healing time.

I do the thinking thing to christin, then I remind myself that I just have to take one day at a time, let myself heal and be nice to myself.  Things will get better.   Praying and forgiving and not feeling guilty or sad about something we really had very little control over is all good.  I felt sad yesterday but thanks to you and to peace_seeker I feel stronger today.   

[christin5433]

Hi I'm with ya I hurt so deeply  I just need to somehow not stay in this mentally because it will put me through hell. It's been 8 weeks I mean I know this year is gonna be very challenging to my self esteem. I feel headaches ,constant lingering pain , longing,lonely, and the anger takes me to places I hate in my head.

I'm scared I'm gonna stay like this or I'm gonna always resent her and I think it will so sad if that's the case. I guess that's why I'm praying for healing and forgiveness so I can keep moving forward. I know it's gonna take time .

Good luck you sound nice.

[Wood stock]

Janey62: Your posts literally made me cry... .it's like you wrote my story. I am also female getting out of r/s with BPDbf... .he was my everything. Yet he used and abused me and the relationship became 90/10%... .with me doing the givin' and him doin' the takin'. He actually broke up with me (again) over a silly argument. Yet he says it is ME who is "cruel" for following through with it and putting his belongings in storage... .so... .he clearly still doesn't get it. Yet I, like you, am the one really hurting... .you made me feel less ridiculous. Thank you.

[janey62]

Thanks christin, you sound nice too... .

Things will get better, they have to.  It's such early days for both of us and all so raw.  

Try not to think too far ahead. You've survived something most people don't ever encounter and learned a lot from it too.

Pain and heartaches are awful but its real, our people with BPD are lost in a world where nothing is real, they don't know what they feel and are constantly in a state of self loathing and mistrust.  I'd rather be me even with all the trauma and hurt - I'm so grateful that I am not mentally ill... .can you imagine what that must be like?  It makes me feel deeply sad. I only have a broken heart and feel battered.  I know it will pass.  Their crap never will.

You and I might be a mess at the moment but we've got the possibility of being happy one day with someone nice and kind and fun and loving, if we stay strong and get through this.    

[janey62]

Hi Wood stock,

I'm so sorry you're going through this too... .

I recognise the putting stuff in storage, I've done that too, several times.  He doesn't get it and he won't get it, that's what BPD is like, our people are lost and in their heads and they don't get it, and we somehow make it worse even though we want to make it better.

It's is truly the most frustrating and saddening experience I've ever had.  I'm glad I made you feel less ridiculous, I think sharing our stories helps so much.  I feel less alone because we are all talking and understanding each other.  Thanks to you too.

Hugs 

Janey

[christin5433]

Thanks christin, you sound nice too... .

Things will get better, they have to.  It's such early days for both of us and all so raw.  

Try not to think too far ahead. You've survived something most people don't ever encounter and learned a lot from it too.

Pain and heartaches are awful but its real, our people with BPD are lost in a world where nothing is real, they don't know what they feel and are constantly in a state of self loathing and mistrust.  I'd rather be me even with all the trauma and hurt - I'm so grateful that I am not mentally ill... .can you imagine what that must be like?  It makes me feel deeply sad. I only have a broken heart and feel battered.  I know it will pass.  Their crap never will.

You and I might be a mess at the moment but we've got the possibility of being happy one day with someone nice and kind and fun and loving, if we stay strong and get through this.    

So just curious I had to put my exs stuff in storage too is this due to it being too conflictual when getting there stuff ?  I actually had to purchase a storage due to my ex wanting to bring her smear campaign over to hurt me more. Plus no negotiating on stuff she's very controlling and entitled and she wanted her stuff and my stuff too. It was soo crazy and mean . She texted me so many mean things to bully me. I was just curios why the storage ? Lol

[janey62]

I'm not completely sure about the stuff thing.  There was a whole thread on it a few days ago. 

My ex and all his stuff, a whole lorry load, moved to my house about a year and a half ago.  We stacked up his boxes in my garage and he moved some bits inside with the idea of gradually integrating it with mine.  Then after 9 days he left (without his stuff of course).  When I challenged him he told me to dump it all, that he wanted none of it.  I didn't.  I got his mother to pay for another lorry to come and take it all away again.

It has happened a couple of times and after we've split his 'stuff' becomes an important pawn, as if by making me take responsibility for it I am somehow tied to him.  I don't know     

It's a bit of a mystery.  I know this time that I was slow to react and found it harder than ever to deal with what he left behind.  It is now all gone and never, never, never coming back! Nor is he!

I'm sure there's some psychological reason for it.  But your ex wanted hers and yours!  Mine wanted me to dump his.  Though the other week he did accuse me of planning to sell his stuff and demanded the microwave which we'd agreed was mine to keep.

Who knows! 

[christin5433]

I'm not completely sure about the stuff thing.  There was a whole thread on it a few days ago. 

My ex and all his stuff, a whole lorry load, moved to my house about a year and a half ago.  We stacked up his boxes in my garage and he moved some bits inside with the idea of gradually integrating it with mine.  Then after 9 days he left (without his stuff of course).  When I challenged him he told me to dump it all, that he wanted none of it.  I didn't.  I got his mother to pay for another lorry to come and take it all away again.

It has happened a couple of times and after we've split his 'stuff' becomes an important pawn, as if by making me take responsibility for it I am somehow tied to him.  I don't know     

It's a bit of a mystery.  I know this time that I was slow to react and found it harder than ever to deal with what he left behind.  It is now all gone and never, never, never coming back! Nor is he!

I'm sure there's some psychological reason for it.  But your ex wanted hers and yours!  Mine wanted me to dump his.  Though the other week he did accuse me of planning to sell his stuff and demanded the microwave which we'd agreed was mine to keep.

Who knows! 

Mine was calling me a thief and wanted everything to start her life I think it was to show me she was serious and that she was leaving. I was non reactive to her and I accepted her threat to leave first time in 4 years I usually begged her or reasoned w her to stay. Not this time so she was going to hurt me the stuff was just one way there were other crazy things smearing me w others, turning off all combined things immedietly, I never reacted I took all the hits. I'm still standing. Hurt but healing

[janey62]

Bless you... .you are still standing 

Maybe its just that they're so angry, and the stuff becomes a way to express that anger.  Mine didn't take any of the gifts I bought him for Christmas.  He did take the things he needed, clothes, laptop etc. 

It shows a lack of emotional maturity, to place so much importance on things, when actually the important thing is the hurt of parting.  My bfwBPD had the emotional maturity of a 3 year old with no thought or apparent care for how much damage he inflicted on himself or me. 

I think what is important though is to try to think about ourselves and what we have learned and how we process our feelings about this and what we want for our lives now.  I know I'm capable of loving someone who is sick.  But am I capable of loving someone who is 'normal', healthy and balanced?  Now that's a big question? 

[christin5433]

Bless you... .you are still standing 

Maybe its just that they're so angry, and the stuff becomes a way to express that anger.  Mine didn't take any of the gifts I bought him for Christmas.  He did take the things he needed, clothes, laptop etc. 

It shows a lack of emotional maturity, to place so much importance on things, when actually the important thing is the hurt of parting.  My bfwBPD had the emotional maturity of a 3 year old with no thought or apparent care for how much damage he inflicted on himself or me. 

I think what is important though is to try to think about ourselves and what we have learned and how we process our feelings about this and what we want for our lives now.  I know I'm capable of loving someone who is sick.  But am I capable of loving someone who is 'normal', healthy and balanced?  Now that's a big question? 

I seriously agree w you all I could think of during this holiday b/u is how are you so concerned w stuff and mine kept texting for over a month about STUFF! Not once a sorry to hurt you and the kids at Christmas, aw this stuff burns me up when writing ... .Just wanting stuff. Crazy now that I think of it. I'm grateful the worst is over. Who'd want this. That's all I got to say. I'm sorry for your situation too. Just a bunch of junk this BPD. It's as simple as that