Thinking of contacting her. Very conflicted.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So, I don't usually post on the undecided board, but I suppose this is the most appropriate place.

My ex uBPDgf left me, very abruptly, over a year ago after a long period of intermittent silent treatments and times when things would again be good.  Before she left, I had no idea what BPD was.  Lacking any sort of understanding of what was going on, I made a number of mistakes - all of them with the best of intentions.  I kept trying to "fix" things and I kept trying to get her to communicate about what was going on even when she was clearly resistant to doing so.  I had tried to be extremely patient and understanding with her, but looking back I can see many times when I must have caused her deep shame and invalidation.  I just didn't know anything about BPD.  When she left, she was dysregulating and she was running from me in all kinds of ways.  When she left she told me that she was sorry that she couldn't love me in the way that I deserve, that she wished she could just be a normal girlfriend, that she was "really messed up", and that she had to get some help.  She said that she just couldn't do a relationship - not with anyone.  She swore there wasn't anyone else.  She told me that she still loved me and always would, that she thinks I would make an incredible husband, and that her leaving had nothing to do with anything I had done or hadn't done.  She thanked me for always making her feel safe.  That was the last I talked to her.  Despite her assurances the we could remain friends and I could call her, she never returned a single one of my calls or replied to a single text.  After a couple months of this with me trying to call her every week or so, I get a text from her asking me to please not contact her anymore.  That was it.  I haven't heard a thing from her since.

I was shattered when she left, and I have honestly never been the same.  I have tried to move on, but my heart will not let her go.  I have turned down several possible relationships and refused to date at all, because I know that my heart is still very much my ex's.  I am still madly in love with her.  That hasn't diminished one single bit, even as much of the agony and pain of her leaving has dulled with time.  But it is a pain I still feel every single day, and I find myself thinking of her all the time.  I miss her terribly, and it has been the hardest thing I have ever done to let her go with love.  I have respected her wishes and have not contacted her.  I have had virtually no information at all about what she has been doing or how she is for this entire year.  I have been trying to resign myself to my fate of loving her forever, but never being able to be with her.

Well, I recently found out through the grapevine that everything she had told me was the truth.  She hasn't dated anyone.  She's been working on herself and she's in therapy.  I can't tell you how much my heart soared to hear this.  I want her to be happy and well more than anything, and to hear that she is taking such positive steps made me delirious with joy.  Now I can't stop thinking about all of the other things she said.  About how she will always love me.  And I want to contact her so, so badly.

I don't know exactly what I'm hoping to get from this post.  Maybe I just need to express my feelings on this (I've told absolutely no one in real life).  I already know what the Leaving board will say, so I haven't bothered to post there.  They will tell me to run and never look back while thanking my lucky stars it's over.   But I don't feel that way.  At all.  And maybe it's because my ex is rather an unusual case of BPD.  She is very much a waif and she is not cruel or abusive as some pwBPD can be.  I can't actually think of one single time that she has intentionally hurt me.  She has hurt me in other ways, but I truly believe that she did so unintentionally.  Learning about BPD has opened my eyes to why she would feel the need to withdraw (engulfment) and why she didn't want to talk about things (shame).

So, I am very conflicted.  I want to contact her with all of my heart, but I don't want to mess things up for her and I don't want to turn her against me either.  My head tells me that I need to continue to give her space and if she wants to return, she will.  But my heart wants to reach out to her, and it worries that maybe she doesn't know how to reach out to me (shame).  Learning what I did has filled me with so much happiness and yet, I am conflicted.

[cosmonaut]

So, I don't usually post on the undecided board, but I suppose this is the most appropriate place.

My ex uBPDgf left me, very abruptly, over a year ago after a long period of intermittent silent treatments and times when things would again be good.  Before she left, I had no idea what BPD was.  Lacking any sort of understanding of what was going on, I made a number of mistakes - all of them with the best of intentions.  I kept trying to "fix" things and I kept trying to get her to communicate about what was going on even when she was clearly resistant to doing so.  I had tried to be extremely patient and understanding with her, but looking back I can see many times when I must have caused her deep shame and invalidation.  I just didn't know anything about BPD.  When she left, she was dysregulating and she was running from me in all kinds of ways.  When she left she told me that she was sorry that she couldn't love me in the way that I deserve, that she wished she could just be a normal girlfriend, that she was "really messed up", and that she had to get some help.  She said that she just couldn't do a relationship - not with anyone.  She swore there wasn't anyone else.  She told me that she still loved me and always would, that she thinks I would make an incredible husband, and that her leaving had nothing to do with anything I had done or hadn't done.  She thanked me for always making her feel safe.  That was the last I talked to her.  Despite her assurances the we could remain friends and I could call her, she never returned a single one of my calls or replied to a single text.  After a couple months of this with me trying to call her every week or so, I get a text from her asking me to please not contact her anymore.  That was it.  I haven't heard a thing from her since.

I was shattered when she left, and I have honestly never been the same.  I have tried to move on, but my heart will not let her go.  I have turned down several possible relationships and refused to date at all, because I know that my heart is still very much my ex's.  I am still madly in love with her.  That hasn't diminished one single bit, even as much of the agony and pain of her leaving has dulled with time.  But it is a pain I still feel every single day, and I find myself thinking of her all the time.  I miss her terribly, and it has been the hardest thing I have ever done to let her go with love.  I have respected her wishes and have not contacted her.  I have had virtually no information at all about what she has been doing or how she is for this entire year.  I have been trying to resign myself to my fate of loving her forever, but never being able to be with her.

Well, I recently found out through the grapevine that everything she had told me was the truth.  She hasn't dated anyone.  She's been working on herself and she's in therapy.  I can't tell you how much my heart soared to hear this.  I want her to be happy and well more than anything, and to hear that she is taking such positive steps made me delirious with joy.  Now I can't stop thinking about all of the other things she said.  About how she will always love me.  And I want to contact her so, so badly.

I don't know exactly what I'm hoping to get from this post.  Maybe I just need to express my feelings on this (I've told absolutely no one in real life).  I already know what the Leaving board will say, so I haven't bothered to post there.  They will tell me to run and never look back while thanking my lucky stars it's over.   But I don't feel that way.  At all.  And maybe it's because my ex is rather an unusual case of BPD.  She is very much a waif and she is not cruel or abusive as some pwBPD can be.  I can't actually think of one single time that she has intentionally hurt me.  She has hurt me in other ways, but I truly believe that she did so unintentionally.  Learning about BPD has opened my eyes to why she would feel the need to withdraw (engulfment) and why she didn't want to talk about things (shame).

So, I am very conflicted.  I want to contact her with all of my heart, but I don't want to mess things up for her and I don't want to turn her against me either.  My head tells me that I need to continue to give her space and if she wants to return, she will.  But my heart wants to reach out to her, and it worries that maybe she doesn't know how to reach out to me (shame).  Learning what I did has filled me with so much happiness and yet, I am conflicted.

[hope2727]

Oh dear. I so feel your pain. I desperately wanted to contact mine. I was composing the letter. I always send any letters to a trusted friend first and she or he sends back what they think my Ex pwBPD would respond. I was about to send it to him and the friend I sent it to for translation from English to BPD sent back Facebook photos of him and his new girlfriend kissing and going to all the things I wasn't allowed to go to. SO it was a kick to the gut but better than getting it from him directly.

Write me the letter instead and post it here or PM me and see how we respond before you risk further injury writing your ex.

[new2pain]

Cosmonaut,

My gf left the sameway, saying all the same things. Excep she is seeing someone else, she denies its a relationship but i know he would disagree. She is going to T and working on herself and keeping her hooks in me, but also continues the unhealthy going out drinking and when she feels like it I get thr silent treatment. 

At this point as hard as it seems, all I ask for, is to be where you are; with her taking care of herself and not seeing anyone else. I really dont know what to tell you about contacting her, but it seems like she is making the effort we would all like our so's to be making.

Please let me know how things go... .Good luck

[downwhim]

Cosmonaut,

Hope is right. She helped dissect my letter from English to BPD and reality hit me and I did not send it. However, it felt great to get it out of my system and move on.

I know how desperately you want her back. I know that gut wrenching feeling and the deep love you feel for her BUT she did ask you not to contact her. That too is something to think about.

I contacted my ex BPD fiancé to get the cold shoulder after he said "I loved you for all of the 8 years and I love you now but it is time to move on." What do you do with that love? Why did he even say it? Mixed messages cause more pain.

I vote write Hope. She is so... .helpful   

[cosmonaut]

Thanks, all.

I have been very mindful that she asked me not to contact her, and so far I haven't since she asked.  It's been over 9 months now.  I know I am a trigger for her now and I know to heal she has to have distance from me to let the emotions subside.  And I really don't want to mess things up for her.  From what I heard, it really does sound like she is struggling to understand and repair the issues she has.  I don't want to set her back in that.  I know that the only way she can recover from her disorder is to finish the task of becoming an autonomous self.  And she can only do that by herself.  I am so proud of her.  She is doing a very, very courageous thing.

I too was extremely surprised (and I admit happy too) that she hasn't seen anyone yet.  Learning about BPD, I had thought it was just about inevitable that she would.  I had even wondered if she had lied to me about there being no one else.  It's hit my heart in a serious way that she told me the truth.  She is living with her mother right now, and it may be that her mother is serving as her attachment.  I don't know.  They have a very complex relationship.

I am leaning towards not contacting her.  At least not yet.  I think I need to give her more time to heal herself.  She knows how to reach me, and she always can.  I had made that clear to her.  So far she hasn't, and there is no guarantee that she ever will.  I hope so much she will, but I just can't know.

I have a great deal of work still to do on myself, anyway.  If she were to ever want to resume our relationship, I am going to need to change fairly significantly the way in which I relate to her.   I am going to have to learn to be better at listening to her emotions and validating them.  I am going to have to stop trying to fix her.  I am going to have to provide a soothing presence for her, and I can't allow my own insecurities to undermine that.  Looking back, it is so clear to me how strongly and positively she responded when I was calm and chill.  She wants and needs that.  She has no ability to handle stress at all, and she really does require a very calm home environment.  I made an innocent, but serious mistake in pushing her to try and overcome the silent treatments.  I will have to take those in stride and not take them personally.  I know that there are many things that she has to work on herself to have any hope of us maintaining a stable and lasting relationship, but I will too.   Even if we are never to be together these are positive lessons and changes to make anyway.

Thank you for your offer, hope.  I am still not even quite sure what I would say to her if I contacted her.  I suppose I would just try to keep things upbeat and positive and not in any way push anything romantic.  Just be there for her and let her know that I care.  I'll think about maybe putting things into more concrete words.

I'm so sorry about the pain you are feeling, new2pain.  This is an agonizing experience, isn't it?  By far the most painful thing I have ever endured.  I hope the best for you, too.  I'll let you know if anything should happen between me and my ex.

Thanks, downwhim.  I appreciate your support and advice.  The mixed signals, push/pull, and general disorder of a BPD relationship is very confusing and often painful.  I've found that, at least for me, learning as much as I can about the disorder has given so much more context to her behavior, and allowed me to depersonalize much of it.  The silent treatments and discard are very, very hard to deal with.  I have never had to summon more strength than to let her go with love.  Without any blaming or anger or bitterness.  Hang in there, and I wish the best for you too.

[thepenguin]

I think something to think about is whether or not you have truly healed in your 9 months apart. Being on the receiving end of a person with BPD is draining, as i'm sure everyone on here agrees. The verbal abuse, insults, manipulation hurts people. If she's recovering, and you're thinking of going back to see her, I think a very valid question to ask is if you are truly healed - because if she relapses, you're back at being on the receiving end of something you don't enjoy. Anyways, just my $0.02.

[zeus123]

she left you nine months ago(u mean dumped/discarded) you, then she implored you not to contact her at all and you didn't so i want to congratulate you for that if i were you i would proceed with the NO CONTACT rules because it is the only way with someone that suffers from BPD. you should not know what she was doing for the past nine months and you should not care. a BPD person lies only when they speak. and their beds never gets cold. they are impulsive... before you even think about contacting her again(and i am sure if you do you will get hurt big time) i want you to read the nine traits of a BPD from DSM IV and see how damaged these people are. and regarding therapy and treatment it takes years and years with a regiment of medication to see some kind of improvement/if any on their part. it is hard to keep someone with BPD in therapy for a long time as they are resistant to changes. so you would have better chance on flying to the moon strapped with a banana on your back than keeping them in therapy. stay NO CONTACT because a relationship with a person suffering from BPD can actually kill you. i hope you would understand for your own sanity. good luck...