I need guidance

[Lovingkindness]

Hi,  I preface this with saying it is a long email so if you choose not to read it I understand .

I am a silent observer of the group.

I need help in the most immediate way! 

My partner of 8 yrs is unofficially diagnosed w/BPD (although diagnosed by our couples therapist  from a couple of yrs back as well as a couple of therapists I have gone to since)  He has strong narcissistic traits as well.  He also told me he went to see a Neurologist  recently who said his brain is damaged & not firing properly, but he will not admit to having been diagnosed w/anything    He has actually gotten far worse after seeing his present therapist for the last 18 months.

Like most of you I keep going back and forth

I had prior to this relationship, thought I was fairly grounded and dealt with the Ups & downs of life with resiliency and strength   That was until this relationship, which has gradually deteriorated into a pile of ashes.  I feel as if I have been brainwashed into a state of depression.

I won't go into the details because you all know the story, you just have different circumstances.  The feelings that result I think seem to be the same & I need to hear that others feel as I do so I do not feel like I am going insane

I am writing because I need someone out there who has been through this to tell me I am sane and will survive this state I am in  I am in such a bad state that I have been sitting home for the past 3 days myself (my son is away) & slowly losing my mind   This is so uncharacteristic of me.  I am energetic & passionate for life.  I am not even seeing my clients presently.  None of the things in life that give me pleasure have pulled me out of this state.

After reading multiple emails, research & books, it seems that my Partner has been treating me as if I am the one with BPD, Gaslighting  I think it is called. (I can send a good link if anyone is interested)   In fact, his therapist has been treating him as if it is my partner who has a BPD girlfriend, not treating him for his illness .

Here is a list of a few things that are happening for me:

I am an emotional female who tends to tear up (not bawling crying) with emotions be they positive or negative  I had thought it was a positive to be in touch with my inner feelings    He purposely leads me to a place where I start to cry softly & then tells me I am yelling at him even though I am not & keeps badgering me until I AM yelling at  him.  I have been mindfully practicing not yelling & Sunday he said he does not like that peaceful  version of me & I am not the calm peaceful voice of reason & that it is he who is.  So what do I do?  I cry & defend myself &  he hangs up not to speak with me since

He tells me I speak too much although any other person can approach him & consume a conversation & he listens to them completely

When I stay quiet & practice listening to him even more than I already do, he says my energy is blah or distant even though I am fully engaged in listening to his every expression

One night he even had me whispering on the phone.  If I used my regular voice he said I was yelling.

He tells me I dominate a conversation after I may tell a short story of under 3 minutes   If I smile too much or get passionate when I tell it, that is when he gets upset. 

His projection towards me has escalated   He also blames me for any negativity we have had between us

He insists on a constant apology for things in the past and even when I apologise, he expects more apologies for the same situation repeatedly

He says he cannot forgive me for all of the horrible things I have done to him (when I ask what they are he says "you know"

I am so affectionate and forgiving yet he does not see that

He tells me I was nothing before he met and saved me

He says they same thing about my family including my parents children siblings & nephews

It has gotten to the point where I have not one friend left in the world and have disconnected from my family (we are still speaking but the closeness is gone)  he had asked me to dedicate my life to him and build him up so he could be a man.

And in contrast to all of this he asks me to stay and tells me if I cannot deal with it he understands that I leave.  He can be so connected & in the space of hours he turns.  his moods fluctuate and I never know what precipitates them

I thank you for reading this if you did.   Any advice other than "RUN" would be appreciated   I wish I had the strength to run, but I want to make it work for some crazy reason.   Maybe I am insane, who knows,

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

First, you are not losing your mind. Your relationship fits a pattern of an abusive relationship. I don't think my H's issues were as severe but the result of being with someone who had painted me black for a long time was that I ended up depressed and he seemed just fine with the way he was. One pattern is that people with PD's project and deny their feelings, so they are not aware of them. People who do not do this tend to experience the sadness.

I will not tell you to run- unless you are in physical danger, and even then, running without a plan can be a serious situation. It is at the leaving that the situation can escalate into physical harm. Those who do plan to leave need an escape plan.

However, many are just like you- without the energy or will to leave and not in physical danger. Through counseling and support you can get "yourself" back. Your posting here is a good start, but personal professional counseling can help you get yourself back to a point where you can make a clearer decision. One reason leaving may not be a solution is that the same issues that got you in this situation, if not delt with, might result in you being in a similar situation with someone else. This is a pattern too, where people leave one relationship and can end up with something similar.

Don't do this for him. Do it for you, your personal growth and for your child, so you can be an emotionally healthier parent. You don't have to tell your partner it is about him- you can tell him it is over some issue with your family, or a parenting issue. Do it for you.

[Crumbling]

   Welcome to the family!

Wow, you're situation sounds so suffocating!  I'm sorry you're going through this.    

I'm glad that you shared, and that you have reached out for support.  You said you've been sitting home by yourself for the past three days... .I know about dealing with isolation, my BPDh and I live in a remote location just outside of a tourist town, and right now, it's off season, so at this point, we see more moose than people in our neighbourhood.      And, we have twenty something kids that live away and on their own, so I'm also a recent empty nester.   :'(

I live with isolation, because that is part of our lifestyle, but most people don't do very well with not connecting with others... .are you connecting with family or friends on the phone?  :)o you have work that you go to, where you can connect with others?  You mentioned not having clients right now, is this by choice, or circumstance?  What about online support?  


   I have to echo Notwendy, YOU ARE NOT NUTS.     We've all been there!  If your bf is BPD, he may have the tendency to use brainwashing on you.  I know I realized my BPDh did.  He was diagnosed a year ago, and only stuck with therapy for six months.  Since then he has taken on three new addictions and re-adopted an old one, and life has been really tough.  But your guy sounds very controlling, and very dominating... .that's a scary place to be.  I hope you and the kids are safe... .?


Since my bad stumble just before this Christmas, I have learned and adopted things from this site that have helped me a lot.  And I know I got my footing when I stopped being a shadow follower, and actually starting talking about my own situation.  So, Bravo to you, Loving, for opening up!  I'm proof this sort of help is priceless.

Staying focused on you and your needs, clearing the fog, setting boundaries, building a support network, and taking the steps to ensure you are not making things worse are all super helpful.      If that list seems too overwhelming, that's okay.  Just pick one, investigate and start looking after you.  I hear you needing to be heard and understood.  Stick around, you'll find that here.  

Your posts indicate that you may have already starting making sure you are not making things worse.  Where are you in that?  How are things at this point?  Have you considered going no-contact (NC)?  Could you talk a bit more about why you are separated at this point and what has lead you to this point?

Welcome again and, I like sharing good intentions,  so some are comin' yer way!

blessings,

Crumbsy

[vortex of confusion]

I want to start out by sending you several great big virtual hugs:     

I have been married to my husband for 16.5 years and there have been lots of times when I thought that I had to be bat crap crazy. I questioned my perceptions about everything. I wasn't sure which way was up at times. My husband was never overtly abusive. A lot of people thought he was such a great and wonderful husband. I contributed to them thinking that because I would brag on him and praise him all over the place. If I didn't do that, he would get sullen and I don't even quite know how to describe it. I felt like a dog chasing my tail in circles or something.

It wasn't until I found a book on emotional abuse at thrift store that I started putting the pieces into place. So many of the things that were described in the book fit what was happening. It was like this huge weight was lifted off. I had a small piece of the puzzle. I felt horrible and crappy because I was being treated horrible and crappy. But, it wasn't the in your face kind of crapulence. It was very, very subtle. It was how he would invalidate pretty much everything that I said or did. He would invalidate me without saying a word. It was the pouting and huffing. And it was interrupting me when I would try to talk yet if I tried to interrupt him, he would yell at me for interrupting him. It was a push/pull nightmare.

The first step is gaining an awareness. I have read all sorts of stuff about verbal and emotional abuse. It was really sobering to read some of that stuff. After I became aware of what was going on, I had to figure out what the heck to do about it. I have 4 kids with my husband so leaving wasn't really an option. Somewhere in all of that, I stumbled upon this site. When I started reading other people's stories and sharing, it was like a huge weight was lifted because I might not be completely bat crap crazy after all. I still have moments of doubt though. 

Start reading some of the lessons. There is some great stuff that will help you to understand his behaviors as well as your own. It has been scary for me to think of all of the ways that I let him treat me over the years. For now, things are going better. I have to keep reading and reminding myself about the cycle of abuse: www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/cycle_of_abuse.html

In the past, I would get upset and insist that things change. Things would change long enough for me to relax and get comfortable and then things would escalate and get out of whack all over again.

[HoldingAHurricane]

You are not crazy   but I have asked myself the same question many times. One of the things that helped me regain my sense of sanity was stopping letting my husband define me. I mean, my husband has BPD, and respectfully, he can't even define himself well yet. Relying on his 'observations' about who I am made me stop trusting my instincts, doubt myself, and question if I was the crazy one.

What he says are his observations, his experiences, and his projections. I can mostly validate when my husband experiences me as dominating or whatever and how that doesn't feel very nice. Ultimately, I decide who I am and he gets to decide how he experiences me and what he is going to do to cope with that.

I think its abusive when my husband starts of the black and white 'you are... .' track so I strive to say 'I can't be in a conversation where you telling me who I am, only I get to do that.' and I go somewhere else. Not always successful because JADE-ing is such an ingrained habit. But its my aim.

You're NOT CRAZY 

[BestVersionOfMe]

You are not crazy   but I have asked myself the same question many times. One of the things that helped me regain my sense of sanity was stopping letting my husband define me. I mean, my husband has BPD, and respectfully, he can't even define himself well yet. Relying on his 'observations' about who I am made me stop trusting my instincts, doubt myself, and question if I was the crazy one.

What he says are his observations, his experiences, and his projections. I can mostly validate when my husband experiences me as dominating or whatever and how that doesn't feel very nice. Ultimately, I decide who I am and he gets to decide how he experiences me and what he is going to do to cope with that.

I think its abusive when my husband starts of the black and white 'you are... .' track so I strive to say 'I can't be in a conversation where you telling me who I am, only I get to do that.' and I go somewhere else. Not always successful because JADE-ing is such an ingrained habit. But its my aim.

You're NOT CRAZY 

Love, love, love this.  So well thought out and spoken.  All the verbal abuse from my wife doesn't define me.  It never did.  I can let her know each time that she doesn't get to decide who I am, only I have that right.  Not sure why I didn't see it that way before.