I'm new and I'm so alone

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Well hi. I don't even know where to start... .

I'm here looking for support and for validation. Everyone thinks my mother is a saint, and not who Ive grown up with.

I always thought our relationship was normal until she went off the deep end. It has lasted four years, and I had to rethink my childhood as I got into a healthy adult relationship... .

She named me after herself.

She called me her mini me, and expected me to be nothing but.

I was to have the same opinions, the same enemies, and the same interests.

She distanced me from getting close to anyone... .my grandparents she talked badly of and moved away from. She always told me that they don't care about us (and for silly things, like sending a gift card at Christmas instead of a "thoughtful" gift). She told me my dad didn't love me and he just wanted to meet me so he didn't have to pay child support (she left him when I was born and never allowed us to even meet). She tried to break my first boyfriend and I up with manipulative measures.

She told me it was her and I against the world. That people leave you and you can't trust them. And I thought she did it bc she loved me.

She would be so loving and generous yet snap at me for the smallest things. She'd go on a tyrant about something only to cry and lock herself in her room. She drank four glasses of wine a night and took sleeping pills. She'd lash out if I asked her to stop.

It was always my job to make her feel better. But she pretended to be the worlds greatest mom, always telling me I owed her xyz because she had bought me food that week.

Her friends all believed I was an angel because she was a great mom, but really it's the only way I got love. If I misbehaved or made her embarrassed, she withheld all love from me. I got silent treatments, and cold shoulders. I'd have to beg her to talk to me.

She would sometimes get mad and I didn't know what for. She would take my make up, phone, money and car keys from my purse without warning and not tell me what I did. I felt so trapped.

She purposely bought my things so she could hold them over me when it came time for college. I tried not accepting gifts but she would go on a rampage.

Then four years ago, it got worse.

When I went to college (in the same area bc I felt bad leaving her), she went off the deep end. She was always saying she was suicidal. I had to go home an hour away and check on her to see if she was still alive bc her friends couldn't reach her. She wouldn't show up for work. She got fired. Twice. She said it wasn't her fault at all and both were conspiring against her. I continued to be there for her, going home every weekend.

Halway through college, I met someone and we wanted to move in together. She flipped out and told me no. I by then had had enough, and said I was going to. She threatened to ruin my credit and told me she wasn't going to give me her blessing. She guilt tripped me that her approval should mean everything and she's all I have ect. She said it probably wouldn't work out between us.

I moved in.

We got engaged.

She wouldn't speak to me and told all her friends awful and untrue things about my fiancé. They called me asking me how I could've done xyz to her (untrue things). At this point I realized my mom lies.

We bought a house and were expecting our first child, and I called to tell her.

She freaked out asked how I could do that to her. She asked if I did it on purpose to spite her. I cried and said I wished she could be happy for me. She said "yea wish I could too."

She lost her job again and I called her everyday to ask how she was doing. She yelled at me every phone call. Over simple things. She would rant about her friends, and cut them out of her life for silly things. Example: One friend called her to say sorry she hadn't been in touch the past week, she was just busy. My mom took it offensively that she's "soo busy, but she had time to call, she just doesn't care".

I decorated the nursery and told her. She got mad at me being excited and she hung up on me.

She lost her job & needed a place to stay. I said she could stay with me and she freaked out "you don't mean it I don't want you to say that again!" And reassuring her, I got hung up on.

She would rant about how I don't love her, no matter how many times I told her I do.

Finally she came around halfway through my pregnancy. Then she stopped talking to me because I had to cancel dinner as I had worked 40 hrs that week and forgot to buy food. I asked if she wanted a movie night instead and she went off saying I didn't sound enthusiastic when I asked so she wasn't coming (I seriously say no mom come, it'll be fun! Ect).

When I delivered she freaked out bc I didn't want her in the delivery room. I didn't need her added stress to be honest. But she guilt tripped me and came in anyway after promising to sit and let me labor in peace. But no, she took over my husband's role (we had married), and wouldn't shut up. She told the nurses I was ready to push when I wasn't. She told me my staff was stupid, and my doctor was stupid. She told me I was going to have to have a c section if I didn't push harder. Then she took my baby before anyone including my husband! Without asking.

Right after birth she would tell me I was doing something wrong and repeatedly took my baby from me. I barely half him in the first few hours.

Right when i got home she wanted to come over. I told her I wanted the first few days to get used to being family,

And she flipped out, saying I needed her (I didn't--I was a nanny for 7 years).

I let her visit out of guilt, and she completely ignored me when I talked to her. She held my baby the whole time.

So I needed space and when she asked to come over the next day, I said maybe another day. She said she was going to see me everyday or never.

I didn't see her for a year. Then I moved. She keeps sending the baby packages but doesn't make any effort with me. If I call her she will talk but she rants about another friend she's cut ties with or something else.

I feel like I lost my mother. She depended on me so much and said it was her and I against the world... .that no one else loved me... .now I'm lonely without family. I love the family I made And it's healing my pain, but how do I get rid of these wounds?

Also, she's trying to move close to me and I don't know if I want my baby to know her. She'd talk negatively about my husband to my baby I'm sure. Along with drumming other strange and unhealthy things into his mind.

[Lalasalad]

Well hi. I don't even know where to start... .

I'm here looking for support and for validation. Everyone thinks my mother is a saint, and not who Ive grown up with.

I always thought our relationship was normal until she went off the deep end. It has lasted four years, and I had to rethink my childhood as I got into a healthy adult relationship... .

She named me after herself.

She called me her mini me, and expected me to be nothing but.

I was to have the same opinions, the same enemies, and the same interests.

She distanced me from getting close to anyone... .my grandparents she talked badly of and moved away from. She always told me that they don't care about us (and for silly things, like sending a gift card at Christmas instead of a "thoughtful" gift). She told me my dad didn't love me and he just wanted to meet me so he didn't have to pay child support (she left him when I was born and never allowed us to even meet). She tried to break my first boyfriend and I up with manipulative measures.

She told me it was her and I against the world. That people leave you and you can't trust them. And I thought she did it bc she loved me.

She would be so loving and generous yet snap at me for the smallest things. She'd go on a tyrant about something only to cry and lock herself in her room. She drank four glasses of wine a night and took sleeping pills. She'd lash out if I asked her to stop.

It was always my job to make her feel better. But she pretended to be the worlds greatest mom, always telling me I owed her xyz because she had bought me food that week.

Her friends all believed I was an angel because she was a great mom, but really it's the only way I got love. If I misbehaved or made her embarrassed, she withheld all love from me. I got silent treatments, and cold shoulders. I'd have to beg her to talk to me.

She would sometimes get mad and I didn't know what for. She would take my make up, phone, money and car keys from my purse without warning and not tell me what I did. I felt so trapped.

She purposely bought my things so she could hold them over me when it came time for college. I tried not accepting gifts but she would go on a rampage.

Then four years ago, it got worse.

When I went to college (in the same area bc I felt bad leaving her), she went off the deep end. She was always saying she was suicidal. I had to go home an hour away and check on her to see if she was still alive bc her friends couldn't reach her. She wouldn't show up for work. She got fired. Twice. She said it wasn't her fault at all and both were conspiring against her. I continued to be there for her, going home every weekend.

Halway through college, I met someone and we wanted to move in together. She flipped out and told me no. I by then had had enough, and said I was going to. She threatened to ruin my credit and told me she wasn't going to give me her blessing. She guilt tripped me that her approval should mean everything and she's all I have ect. She said it probably wouldn't work out between us.

I moved in.

We got engaged.

She wouldn't speak to me and told all her friends awful and untrue things about my fiancé. They called me asking me how I could've done xyz to her (untrue things). At this point I realized my mom lies.

We bought a house and were expecting our first child, and I called to tell her.

She freaked out asked how I could do that to her. She asked if I did it on purpose to spite her. I cried and said I wished she could be happy for me. She said "yea wish I could too."

She lost her job again and I called her everyday to ask how she was doing. She yelled at me every phone call. Over simple things. She would rant about her friends, and cut them out of her life for silly things. Example: One friend called her to say sorry she hadn't been in touch the past week, she was just busy. My mom took it offensively that she's "soo busy, but she had time to call, she just doesn't care".

I decorated the nursery and told her. She got mad at me being excited and she hung up on me.

She lost her job & needed a place to stay. I said she could stay with me and she freaked out "you don't mean it I don't want you to say that again!" And reassuring her, I got hung up on.

She would rant about how I don't love her, no matter how many times I told her I do.

Finally she came around halfway through my pregnancy. Then she stopped talking to me because I had to cancel dinner as I had worked 40 hrs that week and forgot to buy food. I asked if she wanted a movie night instead and she went off saying I didn't sound enthusiastic when I asked so she wasn't coming (I seriously say no mom come, it'll be fun! Ect).

When I delivered she freaked out bc I didn't want her in the delivery room. I didn't need her added stress to be honest. But she guilt tripped me and came in anyway after promising to sit and let me labor in peace. But no, she took over my husband's role (we had married), and wouldn't shut up. She told the nurses I was ready to push when I wasn't. She told me my staff was stupid, and my doctor was stupid. She told me I was going to have to have a c section if I didn't push harder. Then she took my baby before anyone including my husband! Without asking.

Right after birth she would tell me I was doing something wrong and repeatedly took my baby from me. I barely half him in the first few hours.

Right when i got home she wanted to come over. I told her I wanted the first few days to get used to being family,

And she flipped out, saying I needed her (I didn't--I was a nanny for 7 years).

I let her visit out of guilt, and she completely ignored me when I talked to her. She held my baby the whole time.

So I needed space and when she asked to come over the next day, I said maybe another day. She said she was going to see me everyday or never.

I didn't see her for a year. Then I moved. She keeps sending the baby packages but doesn't make any effort with me. If I call her she will talk but she rants about another friend she's cut ties with or something else.

I feel like I lost my mother. She depended on me so much and said it was her and I against the world... .that no one else loved me... .now I'm lonely without family. I love the family I made And it's healing my pain, but how do I get rid of these wounds?

Also, she's trying to move close to me and I don't know if I want my baby to know her. She'd talk negatively about my husband to my baby I'm sure. Along with drumming other strange and unhealthy things into his mind.

[Mike-X]

 

Sorry to hear about your mother. There is no quick fix to healing from something like this.

What outcome are you imagining? What are your concerns about your wounds? Have you read the lessons (on the right) or other books on BPD?

[Lalasalad]

Thank you so much. I'Ve never really talked about this and it feels wonderful for someone to acknowledge it. You're amazing!

I think I want to be validated that my childhood wasn't healthy as I had thought. I always feel guilty for my mom being sad and I feel so overwhelmed. She told me I was the reason she wanted to commit suicide.

My main question: this is BPD, right? She's been to years of therapy but never changed. I don't think she tells the truth when she goes.

My main goal: I want to learn from diagnosing her what behaviors were unhealthy so I can have healthy relationships with my husband and baby. I also want to have more confidence that no matter what her friends say, She's mentally ill and not the worlds best mother

[Mike-X]

Thank you so much. I'Ve never really talked about this and it feels wonderful for someone to acknowledge it. You're amazing!

I think I want to be validated that my childhood wasn't healthy as I had thought. I always feel guilty for my mom being sad and I feel so overwhelmed. She told me I was the reason she wanted to commit suicide.

My main question: this is BPD, right? She's been to years of therapy but never changed. I don't think she tells the truth when she goes.

My main goal: I want to learn from diagnosing her what behaviors were unhealthy so I can have healthy relationships with my husband and baby. I also want to have more confidence that no matter what her friends say, She's mentally ill and not the worlds best mother

It does sound like your mother engaged in a number of behaviors consistent with BPD, so BPD seems to be a possible diagnosis. However, a clinician would have to fully evaluate your mother to provide a probable diagnosis. Avoidance, denial, and other BPD tendencies make it difficult for even trained clinicians to diagnose BPD. Those who have particular training in BPD would of course be better at diagnosing the disorder and providing effective treatment. Has she seen a BPD specialist?

Also your feelings about your childhood are yours and valid to you. No one can question that really. You will read a lot about validating the feelings of a person living with BPD as a communication strategy. The same validation applies to you and your feelings.

I think that it is good that you are learning about BPD to better yourself and your relationships with your family and others. The strategies and techniques that are available here, in books, and other resources are to help you manage your emotions and communicate better with people in general, regardless of whether they have an emotional dysregulation disorder or not. I personally have learned so much about myself from my experiences with my udxBPD girlfriend. So I believe that you potentially are on a wonderful (although sometimes difficult) journey of self-exploration.

Why are you concerned about her friends' beliefs, by the way? Not that it is not a common worry, I am just wondering what your concerns are with respect to her friends?

[eaglestar1013]

Lalasalad, many of the behaviors you're describing are behaviors my mom has also exhibited, though sometimes not in such extremes.  Based on her behavior, I think you definitely have cause to be concerned about her influence in your family's healthy relationship.  When I marry, I hope that my wife and I have as healthy a relationship with my mom as my brother and his wife do--they live a bazillion miles away, and it works great for them.  I might do the same thing, though that will be painful.  I understand that distance is actually important in dealing with BPD, or at least that's what I've read thus far.  I am still very new at figuring this out myself.  Thanks for your post.  By posting such an honest look into your mom's behaviors, you're helping a lot of people (myself included) see these behaviors as unhealthy and in need of some resolution.

[Lily77]

Hi Lalasalad, Welcome to bpdfamily! I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in your experiences and I think you'll find a lot of information on the website very validating. My mother is undiagnosed but my therapist thinks she displays a lot of BPD and NPD characteristics. My relationship with my mother is very similar to yours in some areas, so I thought it might be helpful if I shared some of my experiences... .

She named me after herself.

She called me her mini me, and expected me to be nothing but.

I was to have the same opinions, the same enemies, and the same interests.

I learned from a very young age to suppress my opinions and needs/wants around my mother. She used to dress me like a doll when I was a kid and teenager and was incredibly controlling. I wasn't allowed to pick my own clothes and have my own opinions. If you sided with someone else in an argument, you were "siding with the enemy" and "blaming the victim (meaning her)"

She distanced me from getting close to anyone... .my grandparents she talked badly of and moved away from. She always told me that they don't care about us (and for silly things, like sending a gift card at Christmas instead of a "thoughtful" gift). She told me my dad didn't love me and he just wanted to meet me so he didn't have to pay child support (she left him when I was born and never allowed us to even meet). She tried to break my first boyfriend and I up with manipulative measures.

This is eerily similar to what my mother did. She left my father when I was a baby and I haven't seen him since. She told me horrible things about him, and said he didn't care about me at all.  She left my brother's father before he was even born.  She constantly talked about how awful her family was, even though they helped support her throughout my childhood. There were constant arguments and periods where she had falling outs with them. I remember being scared and distrustful around my grandparents when I was a kid because of all the negative things my mother said about them behind their backs. As soon as she could, she moved us away from them and cut off all contact. It was always "us against the world", just like you described. She hated my boyfriend and my friends. I realize now that this was a combination of jealousy and fear of losing me. When I started dating my now husband, her behavior escalated to the point where she was constantly yelling at me, arguing, calling me up at work, and acting more and more paranoid. BPD has roots in a fear of abandonment.

She lost her job & needed a place to stay. I said she could stay with me and she freaked out "you don't mean it I don't want you to say that again!" And reassuring her, I got hung up on.

My mother could never hold down a job, nor did she want to. She had inflated ideas of her talents and refused to give them up even though we lived in pretty awful poverty for most of my childhood. More recently, my mother didn't have any sort of job for 8+ years, relying solely on my brother and me for financial support. We did everything to try to help her get back on her feet, but she continuously undermined the efforts, then reeled us in and guilted us with what I now realize was emotional manipulation to continue supporting her. This situation was the straw that broke the camel's back, as dealing with the stress from the situation made me start having severe panic attacks. I found a therapist and then I started to realize what was really going on in the relationship. 

I feel like I lost my mother. She depended on me so much and said it was her and I against the world... .that no one else loved me... .now I'm lonely without family. I love the family I made And it's healing my pain, but how do I get rid of these wounds? My main goal: I want to learn from diagnosing her what behaviors were unhealthy so I can have healthy relationships with my husband and baby. I also want to have more confidence that no matter what her friends say, She's mentally ill and not the worlds best mother

I can so relate to this. These are the same feelings and doubts I've been going through the past year or so since I pulled back from my mother and started really looking at what was happening in the relationship. My mother can be very loving and generous, so it has been very disorienting and painful to reconcile that image of her with the reality of her abusive and neglectful behavior. I've found it immensely helpful to see a therapist to help with both perspective and tools to heal and cope. Growing up isolated with someone with this disorder meant that I had a lot of blindspots and distorted assumptions about reality and myself. I had always assumed my mother's behavior was normal (people always seem to like her) and I was the one with all the problems. I feel now that I'm waking up from some sort of dream.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Lalasalad, 

I very glad that you have joined us and found this wonderful group! There is much support here for you.

Your first post was very insightful and well put. Your mom sounds very similar to my uBPDm (that means she was undiagnosed), and as Mike-X mentioned, she does seem to show so many of the signs that you will frequently read about here.

There are some very good books that can help you to identify if your mom has BPD that will also help you to feel validated, that you are not the one to blame. The first book I read which has been a big help to me is : "Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to heal your childhood wounds and build trust, boundaries, and self-esteem" by Kimberlee Roth and Freda Friedman. Other good books include "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by Christine Lawson and "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Randi Kreger and Paul Mason.  The first book I mentioned is not too overwhelming and helped me to take small steps to beginning to understand my childhood. The funny thing is that as I kept healing, the more I became aware of how much I had been affected by my childhood!

One quick observation I'll make about something you said,

Then four years ago, it got worse.

When I went to college (in the same area bc I felt bad leaving her), she went off the deep end. She was always saying she was suicidal.

This is a behavior that is quite typical of someone with BPD. BPDs are very sensitive to rejection, so when you left for college, my guess is that she reacted as if you had rejected her, which you didn't. It was her perception, her choice to think that and it has nothing to do with you. That's why the timing of four years ago would be significant. When I left for  college, my mom told me that her whole world fell apart because she had no one to talk to. Shortly after that, she divorced my dad. In retrospect, I think she felt like I divorced her by wanting to have my own life and identity. I lived with FOG for years over that, thinking and often having dreams that it was my fault that they divorced because I had gone away, far away, to college.

It is an exciting although challenging journey you are beginning. Keep sharing with us! We'll provide a lot of validation because we have all been there. Good for you for taking these first steps! 


Woolspinner