I didn't like my ex - so why so sad

[Trog]

I'm a long time out of it now, 9 months and I don't regret it, it's the best move for all involved. Last week we spoke for the first time in months, basically to decide how we would end our marriage, it was agreed. She said she would like to be friends, but worries I will abusive. I'm not abusive to my friends! But she's not my friend. And she's right to be worried because I hold this woman in such insanely low regard I can't hide my disdain. There's no friendship to be had.

But my question is another, even before we got to 'disdain' I did not like my ex, I didn't like talking to her, I didn't share her opinions,  I always thought she was a bit weird and I didn't like to have my friends around her as they would throw me the 'look' with her crazy behaviour. Why on earth then was I so upset that it ended? I loved the first few weeks, the love bombing and the attention, but that lasted only a short time, how did I spin out a fantasy into a marriage!

I may be out on my own here, but did anyone else, if they are honest, not really like their ex? Even if they did feel they loved her/him.

[misty_red]

Here. When I first met her I couldn't stand her and this remained until we got to know each other better when out partying with our team and being drunk. I fell in love with her but I didn't like her attitude towards live and people - although we shared some opinions and that I liked about her. So yeah. I loved her but I'd never considered her as a friend. We didn't even share the same set of morals and boundaries. So why? Trauma bonding maybe? I don't know.

[raisins3142]

I'm a long time out of it now, 9 months and I don't regret it, it's the best move for all involved. Last week we spoke for the first time in months, basically to decide how we would end our marriage, it was agreed. She said she would like to be friends, but worries I will abusive. I'm not abusive to my friends! But she's not my friend. And she's right to be worried because I hold this woman in such insanely low regard I can't hide my disdain. There's no friendship to be had.

But my question is another, even before we got to 'disdain' I did not like my ex, I didn't like talking to her, I didn't share her opinions,  I always thought she was a bit weird and I didn't like to have my friends around her as they would throw me the 'look' with her crazy behaviour. Why on earth then was I so upset that it ended? I loved the first few weeks, the love bombing and the attention, but that lasted only a short time, how did I spin out a fantasy into a marriage!

I may be out on my own here, but did anyone else, if they are honest, not really like their ex? Even if they did feel they loved her/him.

I liked her at first.  Did fall in love. But I never totally trusted her or connected with her thoughts and feelings outside of the initial mirroring of me.

She was irrational and overly emotional and admitted such before I really saw it.  I could not converse with her on the level that I would have wanted.  If she already had a thought or opinion and I disagreed and tried to explain my point, then she literally could not follow the flow of my argument and points.  Not even enough to point out where I was wrong in her eyes.  She would just completely misunderstand (maybe on purpose) and my entire argument would fly over her head over and over.  I could tell she was disagreeing without even understanding my points whatsoever.  Very frustrating

[Alberto]

It's something I've been thinking too, seems common.

I arrived to the conclusion that we develope a semi-parental love for them, the kind of love that makes you forget about the bad things, because deep down you think they don't know better and need guidance and help.

Considering BPD is an arrested development disorder and most of us are codependent, it makes sense that breaking up with a pwBPD has, in addition to the understandable sorrow for the loss, the pain of thinking you've failed as a caregiver.

[misty_red]

I arrived to the conclusion that we develope a semi-parental love for them, the kind of love that makes you forget about the bad things, because deep down you think they don't know better and need guidance and help.

Considering BPD is an arrested development disorder and most of us are codependent, it makes sense that breaking up with a pwBPD has, in addition to the understandable sorrow for the loss, the pain of thinking you've failed as a caregiver.

YES, YES, YES. I think that's exactly what this is about. I always felt like I needed to fix her, that it was my job and that I should not fail. And after the discard it just felt like it, like I did indeed fail. What I also experienced is that at the end my feelings turned from romantical to motherly towards her. We take all the ___ because we think we have to save them or something like that and if it doesn't work out we think we are the failure. I think it's much more about our ego being hurt thant anything else.

[Pingo]

It's something I've been thinking too, seems common.

I arrived to the conclusion that we develope a semi-parental love for them, the kind of love that makes you forget about the bad things, because deep down you think they don't know better and need guidance and help.

Considering BPD is an arrested development disorder and most of us are codependent, it makes sense that breaking up with a pwBPD has, in addition to the understandable sorrow for the loss, the pain of thinking you've failed as a caregiver.

I agree with this and I also think the flip side is true. Not only did I fall into a parental role in many ways, he was also so much like my mother (didn't see this until near the end) and gave me some of the affection that I longed for from my mother. He also punished me in the same ways my mother did.  It was all about the same conditional love crap I grew up with.

In retrospect, I shared no core values with my ex.  We were like night and day.  I didn't like his attitude about life.  Yes, we had things in common but we were living life from opposite moral codes.  It's amazing how much denial I was in.  I really was trauma bonded with this man.  Breaking up with him was the hardest decision I ever made.  It's all so nonsensical.  And Trog, I am 8 mths out now and I still have days where I'm consumed by sadness.  Why, when he caused me so much pain?  Loss of the dream I wanted to believe in I suppose.  Loss of the chance to finally have that parental unconditional love I craved. I think the sadness is about much more than just the loss of my marriage.  I'm grieving a lifetime of loss.

[going places]

I'm a long time out of it now, 9 months and I don't regret it, it's the best move for all involved. Last week we spoke for the first time in months, basically to decide how we would end our marriage, it was agreed. She said she would like to be friends, but worries I will abusive. I'm not abusive to my friends! But she's not my friend. And she's right to be worried because I hold this woman in such insanely low regard I can't hide my disdain. There's no friendship to be had.

Make that clear, then move on.

But my question is another, even before we got to 'disdain' I did not like my ex, I didn't like talking to her, I didn't share her opinions,  I always thought she was a bit weird and I didn't like to have my friends around her as they would throw me the 'look' with her crazy behaviour. Why on earth then was I so upset that it ended? I loved the first few weeks, the love bombing and the attention, but that lasted only a short time, how did I spin out a fantasy into a marriage!

I may be out on my own here, but did anyone else, if they are honest, not really like their ex? Even if they did feel they loved her/him.

I did not like the way my 'ex' treated me.

But I did love him.

Now that I know the 'real' him, I can clearly see that he is incapable of real love, and 25 years of my life was a big fat lie... .a joke to him.

I consider him a 'lesson' now.

I learned so much about myself; and how to spot a monster.

[jhkbuzz]

I'm a long time out of it now, 9 months and I don't regret it, it's the best move for all involved. Last week we spoke for the first time in months, basically to decide how we would end our marriage, it was agreed. She said she would like to be friends, but worries I will abusive. I'm not abusive to my friends! But she's not my friend. And she's right to be worried because I hold this woman in such insanely low regard I can't hide my disdain. There's no friendship to be had.

I know this ^ is not what the focus of your post is, but it sounds like the topic you posted about recently:

Since reading the emails I sent back to my ex I have a new sense of rotten-ness, the things I have said are just unforgiveable, even considering if she hurt me badly, I totally lost control and the desires I might have had to make her see the error of her ways or higher ground I thought I occupied, I truly did not. I don't understand why I would speak to her in this way because truly I believe I loved her very much.

I wouldn't go back to her now not because of how much she hurt me but for how foul I was to her, I was wretched truly, I thought there was no going back because of her, but there is also no going back because of me. I have spent so long angry at my ex, seeing her 100% as the evil jin, its just a painful shock to realise how much I contributed to her pain, my pain and the break up, really, I do not know where to place myself or what is the truth anymore. I just feel empty, not angry, not sorry for myself, just totally numb with this realisation. Before I had the anger, now, I feel disidentified with myself.

It sounds like you need to interact now that you are going forward with the divorce... .and her fear is that you will be abusive.  This sounds like a legitimate fear on her end; something you recognize that you have been in the past. Something to discuss with your T, perhaps?... .you sound triggered.

[Suzn]

You are not alone in this at all. I didn't like my ex at all at first. Too touchy feely at first and she blew up my phone with texts. I remember at the beginning telling her I had plans one night, my mother was in town and we were going to dinner. She kept texting and I told her I told you I was busy tonight. Her response was I can go to dinner and text at the same time. Ahh, memories of the first BIG, flashing, red flag.

You have to ask yourself Trog, what was the payoff, what were you getting out of this relationship that you were missing? For me, there were children involved, her children. It was an instant family. I wanted the ideal of a family. Apparently pretty badly because I settled for a disordered, boundary buster. I was lonely and needed purpose. Interestingly enough those children gave me purpose and it ended up being protecting them from her.

[jhkbuzz]

You are not alone in this at all. I didn't like my ex at all at first. Too touchy feely at first and she blew up my phone with texts. I remember at the beginning telling her I had plans one night, my mother was in town and we were going to dinner. She kept texting and I told her I told you I was busy tonight. Her response was I can go to dinner and text at the same time. Ahh, memories of the first BIG, flashing, red flag.

You have to ask yourself Trog, what was the payoff, what were you getting out of this relationship that you were missing? For me, there were children involved, her children. It was an instant family. I wanted the ideal of a family. Apparently pretty badly because I settled for a disordered, boundary buster. I was lonely and needed purpose. Interestingly enough those children gave me purpose and it ended up being protecting them from her.

YES!

[LiveAgain]

This whole thread resonates for me.  I've been thinking about this a lot. One of the things I noticed early on was I felt so alive knowing him that it felt like my brain chemistry changed when I was with him. He was very good at projecting fantasy (good and bad) and the bubble he created around us was delicious.

There were so many red flags, and so many of them were about his values, but the promise of that bubble, where the world went away and it was just us, was overwhelming. I've often wondered if this is how drug addicts feel. Even six, seven months later, after I walked away because being with him made me feel awful about myself and I was losing sight of myself, I have these moments of relapse that are filled with sadness, regret, longing. I hate to say it bc it sounds like a bad love song, but at these moments I feel addicted. I know the relationship is/was bad for me. Never going back. But every molecule in my body misses that feeling being with him produced... .in the beginning of the relationship.

[raisins3142]

In retrospect, I shared no core values with my ex.  We were like night and day.  I didn't like his attitude about life.  Yes, we had things in common but we were living life from opposite moral codes.  

I have no idea what my uBPDexgf's moral code was.  She often mirrored what I said and did not offer opinions on moral issues if not prompted.

She didn't like when I would condemn the actions of someone, no matter how ridiculous they behaved.  She was just opposed to the necessary process of making judgments about how others behave so you know how much to trust them, etc. which is kind of emblematic of BPD, I think.

She would always find a way to see the other side and rationalize the behavior of others.  I realize now that that is how she lived with her past, and she just extended to everyone else.  Perhaps she was trying to gaslight me so that I would never judge her behaviors.

A totally wishy-washy, relativistic morality is not a morality at all.  So, it seems she did not really have a code.

[Mutt]

I'm not sure. Everyone on the boards is different and we all have an ex partner that's different with different traits. I can tell my ex partner knows the difference between right and wrong. I have to give her credit in some areas. For example she seems like she likes helping others and volunteering time.

Where she's self destructive is interpersonal relationships and her dichotomous thinking really causes an impact on those closest to her that certainly causes collateral damage. She acts on impulse and doesn't think of her consequences and less so the consequences of her actions on others. She has shown some empathy to myself and has said she's sorry for how things ended and it was hard for me. I think she's being sincere. I take what she can and run with it. It's as good as it gets I think, at least it's something.

I can't say she has no moral code, I can say that her disorder really hurts loved ones and is impaired with interpersonal relationships and is self destructive. What I value in a relationship is different than what she has the capacity of giving me. She's not someone J would like to get romantically involved with again, hard lessons learned and I make healthier choices moving forward. I also remain centered from drama and take care of my mental health so I can be a positive influence on my kids to help them navigate through their own trials with mom.

[Tibbles]

Interesting questions. It is only in the last 3 months or so that I have come to realise that I don't like my ex any more. I always did - when we met I was smitten and thought his clear opinions on everything was something to be admired and was a sign of strength. In reality it was a red flag   - one of many that I missed. Now I look at how he views the world, from a position of fear and how he sees conflict everywhere he goes and I don't want to have anything to do with him. I don't like how he criticises everything all the time. In his mind he has a strong moral code - but to me it is just a way of creating drama and I don't like that. He has lost the ability to laugh and enjoy life. To see the good and to connect in a positive way with life. He constantly tries to drag myself and our kids into this negative way of life. We have all said enough. I truly don't like the person he has become.

[Trog]

It's something I've been thinking too, seems common.

I arrived to the conclusion that we develope a semi-parental love for them, the kind of love that makes you forget about the bad things, because deep down you think they don't know better and need guidance and help.

Considering BPD is an arrested development disorder and most of us are codependent, it makes sense that breaking up with a pwBPD has, in addition to the understandable sorrow for the loss, the pain of thinking you've failed as a caregiver.

I agree with this and I also think the flip side is true. Not only did I fall into a parental role in many ways, he was also so much like my mother (didn't see this until near the end) and gave me some of the affection that I longed for from my mother. He also punished me in the same ways my mother did.  It was all about the same conditional love crap I grew up with.

In retrospect, I shared no core values with my ex.  We were like night and day.  I didn't like his attitude about life.  Yes, we had things in common but we were living life from opposite moral codes.  It's amazing how much denial I was in.  I really was trauma bonded with this man.  Breaking up with him was the hardest decision I ever made.  It's all so nonsensical.  And Trog, I am 8 mths out now and I still have days where I'm consumed by sadness.  Why, when he caused me so much pain?  Loss of the dream I wanted to believe in I suppose.  Loss of the chance to finally have that parental unconditional love I craved. I think the sadness is about much more than just the loss of my marriage.  I'm grieving a lifetime of loss.

I think we have quite similar histories and I find in interesting that it causes us to be drawn to similar people. Fascinating but annoying! I think for sure it's the case that for me the love bombing, total understanding she showed about my life and previous exes caused me to fall for her. The flip side though was by far the most painful and causes my triggering.

There were times when all this love and understanding about my back story were thrown cruelly in my face. I had been abused as a child, when my ex wanted to she would throw that in my face, after saying she understood, to tell me I deserved it. I've mentioned before how even recently I was mugged, she was at first understanding and caring and then told me I deserved this to happen to me. That kind of push pull was a constant feature, she could make me feel whole and then demolish me in a sentence. That's too much power to give to someone else. Esp someone who gets off on hurting another. So I would become triggered, and call her all the names under the sun which then meant I was labelled as the abuser and I then felt guilty for that. What a crazy game!

The further I get out time wise the more I understand that this was a life lesson scripted perfectly for me to heal from childhood wounds and it gives me the chance at finding real love. Before I met my ex, I would never have willingly addressed these issues and never been able to even have that chance. They hold up a mirror to us. I'm not yet at the stage where I can be thankful to her for that.

[clydegriffith]

I can relate to this. I guess the best response i can give is that you become addicted to the relationship.

Although i was with the BPDx for a little over two years and we had a child together, i really can't say that i loved her. She could got pregnant right away and i tried to do what society has engrained in my brain that is the "right thing" and take care of her and my child. That was a big mistake. In retrospect the right thing would have been to tell her to get lost when she told me she was pregnant. It would have spread me years of drama and heartahce. That being said, even though that's the way i felt, i put up with so much crap that i still can't totally understand. She would do crazy thing after crazy thing and i would always come back. It took her moving 6 hours away to finally put an end to the vicous cycle.

[jhkbuzz]

I'm not sure. Everyone on the boards is different and we all have an ex partner that's different with different traits. I can tell my ex partner knows the difference between right and wrong. I have to give her credit in some areas. For example she seems like she likes helping others and volunteering time.

Where she's self destructive is interpersonal relationships and her dichotomous thinking really causes an impact on those closest to her that certainly causes collateral damage. She acts on impulse and doesn't think of her consequences and less so the consequences of her actions on others. She has shown some empathy to myself and has said she's sorry for how things ended and it was hard for me. I think she's being sincere. I take what she can and run with it. It's as good as it gets I think, at least it's something.

I can't say she has no moral code, I can say that her disorder really hurts loved ones and is impaired with interpersonal relationships and is self destructive. What I value in a relationship is different than what she has the capacity of giving me. She's not someone J would like to get romantically involved with again, hard lessons learned and I make healthier choices moving forward. I also remain centered from drama and take care of my mental health so I can be a positive influence on my kids to help them navigate through their own trials with mom.

I don't know about that, Mutt.  People can appear to be doing something altruistically and "other centered" (helping others, volunteering time) when it's not really altruistic at all - the motivation to do it is because it "feels good" to do it - there's a payoff for self, and only secondarily for others.

Think about people who tend to people-please... .they "look" nice and giving, but in truth they are not necessarily either; this "giving" fills a need in them (much the way rescuing filled a need in many of us).

If we can agree that when we talk about "morals" we are generally referring to principles that guide our behavior - the principles that lead us to avoid causing harm to others - then I think it's fair to question the "morals" of pwBPD.

I can admit that I was sorely tempted to throw my morals out the window after being betrayed by my ex - I was tempted to have an affair when I found out that she did, I was tempted to reveal the sordid story of her lies and betrayal to her professional colleagues and her family - but doing so would have profoundly violated my moral code.  Not that I'm perfect, "better than" or any of that crap - I just have a moral code that doesn't allow me to lash out and hurt others, even when the depth of my pain feels unbearable.  In this r/s  I chose to suffer rather than cause suffering. That's because I have a moral code that I follow even when it doesn't feel so great to follow it.

No so with my exBPDgf... .there is a complete absence of moral code to guide her behavior. I understand the lack arises from the disorder, but it is a lack nonetheless.

[Blimblam]

My ex has strong values on altruism and she values it highly im others when she sees it.   When she is in a group she is often the kidest most giving person in it.  The thing is she is also hedging her bets  in hope of ensuring the opportunity for attachment.  Her fear of being abandoned and without means litterally tupes Her life and is at the root of much of her impulsive behavior. I would remember her asking me if it was safe to be altruistic if we would be ok and had enough for us to survive.  Now I know much of that was mirroring me and my values but her experiences with it were real.  While she values those things in her day to day life her insecurities are the dominant force in her life and she is just trying to survive. 

[jhkbuzz]

My ex has strong values on altruism and she values it highly im others when she sees it.   When she is in a group she is often the kidest most giving person in it.  The thing is she is also hedging her bets  in hope of ensuring the opportunity for attachment.  Her fear of being abandoned and without means litterally tupes Her life and is at the root of much of her impulsive behavior. I would remember her asking me if it was safe to be altruistic if we would be ok and had enough for us to survive.  Now I know much of that was mirroring me and my values but her experiences with it were real.  While she values those things in her day to day life her insecurities are the dominant force in her life and she is just trying to survive.  

I understand... .but I posted recently (and people on these boards helped me make the connection) that someone who is nice is not necessarily of good moral character. Being "nice and kind" is a strategy of social interaction... .there can be huge payoffs for being "nice" to people. It is entirely possible to be "nice" for selfish reasons and still lack a moral code.

My ex was truly one of the nicest people you'd ever want to meet.  Honest to God, she was. But I still don't think she lived by any moral or ethical code.  What she wanted and needed came first - me, other people - even her daughter - came a distant second.

And that's not to say that she didn't recognize altruism when she saw it.  She saw a lot of altruism in me - and appreciated it.

I went back and read some of your first posts.  I could have written them myself:

"I was in a relationship with a BPD waif.  She doesn't sound like the girls in most people stories here.  In fact she never raged ever.  Not once. And she seemed to in some ways have a sense of empathy for others but never of any wrong she had done... .and what the hell is wrong with me that I put up with her devaluing lying cheating and triangulation. She dumped me after I read her phone messages and found out about her cheating and other bull___.  It got bad really bad. She never raged but her passive aggressive bull___ destroyed me.  Eventually I somehow broke internally and have been confused don't know who I am.  Have ptsd like symptoms... .I sent her a bunch of texts like a moron trying to explain to her about apologizing and forgiving.  Seeing if she would ever be honest with me again.  Wanting her to make an effort to regain trust."

This ^ is not a person who is living by a moral code.  Perhaps the disorder precludes the possibility.

[Blimblam]

My ex has strong values on altruism and she values it highly im others when she sees it.   When she is in a group she is often the kidest most giving person in it.  The thing is she is also hedging her bets  in hope of ensuring the opportunity for attachment.  Her fear of being abandoned and without means litterally tupes Her life and is at the root of much of her impulsive behavior. I would remember her asking me if it was safe to be altruistic if we would be ok and had enough for us to survive.  Now I know much of that was mirroring me and my values but her experiences with it were real.  While she values those things in her day to day life her insecurities are the dominant force in her life and she is just trying to survive.  

I understand... .but I posted recently (and people on these boards helped me make the connection) that someone who is nice is not necessarily of good moral character. Being "nice and kind" is a strategy of social interaction... .there can be huge payoffs for being "nice" to people. It is entirely possible to be "nice" for selfish reasons and still lack a moral code.

My ex was truly one of the nicest people you'd ever want to meet.  Honest to God, she was. But I still don't think she lived by any moral or ethical code.  What she wanted and needed came first - me, other people - even her daughter - came a distant second.

And that's not to say that she didn't recognize altruism when she saw it.  She saw a lot of altruism in me - and appreciated it.

I went back and read some of your first posts.  I could have written them myself:

"I was in a relationship with a BPD waif.  She doesn't sound like the girls in most people stories here.  In fact she never raged ever.  Not once. And she seemed to in some ways have a sense of empathy for others but never of any wrong she had done... .and what the hell is wrong with me that I put up with her devaluing lying cheating and triangulation. She dumped me after I read her phone messages and found out about her cheating and other bull___.  It got bad really bad. She never raged but her passive aggressive bull___ destroyed me.  Eventually I somehow broke internally and have been confused don't know who I am.  Have ptsd like symptoms... .I sent her a bunch of texts like a moron trying to explain to her about apologizing and forgiving.  Seeing if she would ever be honest with me again.  Wanting her to make an effort to regain trust."

This ^ is not a person who is living by a moral code.  Perhaps the disorder precludes the possibility.

I had a huge internal struggle with that when I arrived on the boards.  I also have been heavily involved with environmetal and volunteer work before.  I've seen how much of it is about people trying to prove to themselves they are a good person or the status.  Within myself as well.  There are underlying issues that drive people to that sort of thing the thing is my ex was doing it not for status and she didnt necessisarily value it in others for status.  She valued it because she was seeking an attachement that would trancend the fear and despair that haunts her.  So this drive her to find the good in people.  The only problem is when someone was faking it in a certain manipulative way she was very naive and gullible. She looked to others as authority like a child and if that authority says it's ok and justifiable and the way to get nurturing then she would be easily compromised.  It didn't make the fact she valued altruism any less real or valid. 

[jhkbuzz]

My ex has strong values on altruism and she values it highly im others when she sees it.   When she is in a group she is often the kidest most giving person in it.  The thing is she is also hedging her bets  in hope of ensuring the opportunity for attachment.  Her fear of being abandoned and without means litterally tupes Her life and is at the root of much of her impulsive behavior. I would remember her asking me if it was safe to be altruistic if we would be ok and had enough for us to survive.  Now I know much of that was mirroring me and my values but her experiences with it were real.  While she values those things in her day to day life her insecurities are the dominant force in her life and she is just trying to survive.  

I understand... .but I posted recently (and people on these boards helped me make the connection) that someone who is nice is not necessarily of good moral character. Being "nice and kind" is a strategy of social interaction... .there can be huge payoffs for being "nice" to people. It is entirely possible to be "nice" for selfish reasons and still lack a moral code.

My ex was truly one of the nicest people you'd ever want to meet.  Honest to God, she was. But I still don't think she lived by any moral or ethical code.  What she wanted and needed came first - me, other people - even her daughter - came a distant second.

And that's not to say that she didn't recognize altruism when she saw it.  She saw a lot of altruism in me - and appreciated it.

I went back and read some of your first posts.  I could have written them myself:

"I was in a relationship with a BPD waif.  She doesn't sound like the girls in most people stories here.  In fact she never raged ever.  Not once. And she seemed to in some ways have a sense of empathy for others but never of any wrong she had done... .and what the hell is wrong with me that I put up with her devaluing lying cheating and triangulation. She dumped me after I read her phone messages and found out about her cheating and other bull___.  It got bad really bad. She never raged but her passive aggressive bull___ destroyed me.  Eventually I somehow broke internally and have been confused don't know who I am.  Have ptsd like symptoms... .I sent her a bunch of texts like a moron trying to explain to her about apologizing and forgiving.  Seeing if she would ever be honest with me again.  Wanting her to make an effort to regain trust."

This ^ is not a person who is living by a moral code.  Perhaps the disorder precludes the possibility.

I had a huge internal struggle with that when I arrived on the boards.  I also have been heavily involved with environmetal and volunteer work before.  I've seen how much of it is about people trying to prove to themselves they are a good person or the status.  Within myself as well.  There are underlying issues that drive people to that sort of thing the thing is my ex was doing it not for status and she didnt necessisarily value it in others for status.  She valued it because she was seeking an attachement that would trancend the fear and despair that haunts her.  So this drive her to find the good in people.  The only problem is when someone was faking it in a certain manipulative way she was very naive and gullible. She looked to others as authority like a child and if that authority says it's ok and justifiable and the way to get nurturing then she would be easily compromised.  It didn't make the fact she valued altruism any less real or valid. 

I totally understand that ^ - it's true for my ex as well. But this is not related to her lack of a "moral code" that, at the very least, would have the potential to influence her behavior.

I fully understand that emotional dyregulation leads to all kinds of impulsive behavior.  I was wildly emotionally dysregulated in the last two months of my r/s - so much so that it frightened me.  I have never experienced anything like it in my life.  The only thing that keep me from going off the deep end (in terms of spiteful and meanspirited behavior) was the fact that I embrace a moral code.

Again, not being "better than" or arrogant or any of that bs... .it's just the truth.