hi, I'm new to the group

[Depression = 72% of members]

My mother very likely has BPD, her latest trigger has been me announcing my engagement and 2 months later, also pregnancy. (I'm almost 40 years old). Its been tough waiting to see if she'll come out of her "don't ruin your life" punishment of not speaking to me during my pregnancy. My Dad says I should go to the house and expect her to give me the cold shoulder, but keep coming over. Last time I was at the house she was yelling at me like a rabid dog, so I'm not inclined to do that. Last email communication from her was like reading a smear article so I reflex-deleted it. Only my Dad picks up the phone, but isn't allowed to talk to me for more than a couple minutes. Likely her mandate. Last useful thing she mentioned was a fear that she would be replaced by my fiancee. What's my next, best move?  

[hanawa]

My mother very likely has BPD, her latest trigger has been me announcing my engagement and 2 months later, also pregnancy. (I'm almost 40 years old). Its been tough waiting to see if she'll come out of her "don't ruin your life" punishment of not speaking to me during my pregnancy. My Dad says I should go to the house and expect her to give me the cold shoulder, but keep coming over. Last time I was at the house she was yelling at me like a rabid dog, so I'm not inclined to do that. Last email communication from her was like reading a smear article so I reflex-deleted it. Only my Dad picks up the phone, but isn't allowed to talk to me for more than a couple minutes. Likely her mandate. Last useful thing she mentioned was a fear that she would be replaced by my fiancee. What's my next, best move?  

[tjay933]

Hey, sorry to hear about your mom. congrats on the engagement and upcoming bundle!  sorry she may or may not be there for you during the pregnancy but rest assured, we are here for you-have questions,just ask. my personal experience when my BPD gets freaked out, give him time and he relaxes. its kind of like an instant reflex to change of any kind-the reflex is to explode about how horrible and awful you are-after a few days or a week or two, he doesn't even remember it. my sis in law is the same-will explode at any slight perceived against her-i tell others to give her a week and sure enough, she's fine. maybe your mom will/does the same? if so, relax for a couple of weeks and then if she's still in a snit, there is nothing you can do about it. enjoy the time you have to be happy for yourself. the only person we can change is ourselves and trying to keep the BPD in our life happy is likened to trying to fill a black hole-no matter how much you put in it, it's never full. keep yourself and your little one safe-that is your prime job now-no matter who else thinks what ever they want.

stay safe.

[hanawa]

Thanks tjay933, that's what my aunt said, she's still flailing with her reaction to "the life change" and to wait it out. It's only been a month and a half, and her episodes can easily last 6 months. Logically speaking, she may start to relax after about the 6 month period, so I'll be ready when she decides to behave a little more acceptably.

[tjay933]

i'm guessing that auntie is kind of like a second mom? if so, that is great   !

[clljhns]

Hi hanawa,

Welcome! I am so glad that you have found us!

I am so sorry to hear about the stress you are under concerning mom's behavior.

Last time I was at the house she was yelling at me like a rabid dog

I also want to congratulate you on upcoming marriage and your little bundle of joy! Even though these are good stressors in your life, you certainly don't need the additional stress of mom's rages.

and her episodes can easily last 6 months

Have you tried setting boundaries with mom in the past? A good place to start to learn about this is through the glossary, which has many articles from boundaries to communication skills. I am including the link here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=26601.0

I would also suggest reading the article on FOG, which can be found at the top of this board.

Let us know how else we can support you!

Wishing you many blessings!  

I know I am throwing a lot at you, but just thinking ahead to how busy your life will be with new baby and hubby.