To the parents on this board, thanks for trying.

[Parents! Get help here!]

My girlfriend has BPD,  she is 19.

She's told me about her upbringing and it sounds incredibly invalidating.  Her parents shipped her off to family members because she "came along at an inconvenient time" Their words. So she basically got passed around aunts,  grandparents,  cousins etc. As soon as she was old enough it was off to boarding school.

As her problems grew her parents ignored it and just allowed this PD to manifest.  At 15 she moved out of home. Her parents begun to enable her at this point and have done ever since by throwing money at her and keeping her at arms length whilst denying anything is wrong.

Her dad is a textbook narcissist and I have no idea what's wrong with her mother.

I finally had a face to face with her old man after over a year of wanting to exchange words with him and I was disgusted with his attitude to the whole thing.  I told him that he needs to do his job for once in his life because he has a daughter who is suffering and needs professional help (she asked if I could talk to him and see if they would help pay for dbt) and he just denied anything was wrong and wrote off being a garbage parent as  "I had my own life to lead"

This guy didn't show one ounce of concern or consideration.  It was like talking about her bored him and wasn't his problem.  In the end I had to leave as I was on the verge of violence.

I just want to say to those of you on this board and trying to help their children.  Thankyou for not being like that guy. As a partner of someone with BPD I  WISH I could have people like you in my girlfriends life who try to help and understand.  I'm in a war on my own, it's draining,  exhausting and hard and nobody on her side gives a crap about her or helping or supportive.  So it's just me. It ain't fun.

[Infern0]

My girlfriend has BPD,  she is 19.

She's told me about her upbringing and it sounds incredibly invalidating.  Her parents shipped her off to family members because she "came along at an inconvenient time" Their words. So she basically got passed around aunts,  grandparents,  cousins etc. As soon as she was old enough it was off to boarding school.

As her problems grew her parents ignored it and just allowed this PD to manifest.  At 15 she moved out of home. Her parents begun to enable her at this point and have done ever since by throwing money at her and keeping her at arms length whilst denying anything is wrong.

Her dad is a textbook narcissist and I have no idea what's wrong with her mother.

I finally had a face to face with her old man after over a year of wanting to exchange words with him and I was disgusted with his attitude to the whole thing.  I told him that he needs to do his job for once in his life because he has a daughter who is suffering and needs professional help (she asked if I could talk to him and see if they would help pay for dbt) and he just denied anything was wrong and wrote off being a garbage parent as  "I had my own life to lead"

This guy didn't show one ounce of concern or consideration.  It was like talking about her bored him and wasn't his problem.  In the end I had to leave as I was on the verge of violence.

I just want to say to those of you on this board and trying to help their children.  Thankyou for not being like that guy. As a partner of someone with BPD I  WISH I could have people like you in my girlfriends life who try to help and understand.  I'm in a war on my own, it's draining,  exhausting and hard and nobody on her side gives a crap about her or helping or supportive.  So it's just me. It ain't fun.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Tim300]

Kind of you, but, for your own good, please keep your expectations low.

[Infern0]

Kind of you, but, for your own good, please keep your expectations low.

Oh belive me, I know

[Kate4queen]

it's really cool that you want to help her,   but from the parenting side, I'd like to mention that my 23 yr old son who has BPD goes around telling everyone that he had a monstrous, horrific childhood and that we threw him out, refused to visit him in hospital, cut him off from healthcare and his sister etc etc.

None of it is true.

He just needs to frame his world like that in order to appear as the victim and deal with his condition. It's pretty sad as a parent to watch your child destroy everything you tried to do for them.

I'd just respectfully suggest that you go into any relationship with a person with BPD with a healthy mindset and a good working knowledge of what you are getting in to.

[Tim300]

it's really cool that you want to help her,   but from the parenting side, I'd like to mention that my 23 yr old son who has BPD goes around telling everyone that he had a monstrous, horrific childhood and that we threw him out, refused to visit him in hospital, cut him off from healthcare and his sister etc etc.

None of it is true.

I had the same instinctual response to the initial post here.  My pwBPD has basically done the same exact thing as your 23 yr old son.  She wears on her sleeve that she's had some monstrous childhood, but if you press for details and think critically about what she says, none of it really adds up.  It's just complete fiction.  There are a lot of nons who actually were abused as children and go on to live normal lives and don't mention their childhood traumas to everyone.  I haven't quite figured out whether pwBPD are just consciously lying in this respect, or whether they somehow actually think they've been victimized.  It's like they must all stumble upon some BPD playbook, as the stories here are so darn similar.  Long story short, it seems like Infern0 has at least some firsthand knowledge that his pwBPD really did get treated poorly -- but on the whole I would definitely take this all with a grain of salt.  For all you know, her "getting shipped off to boarding school" was perhaps something she begged for simply because she thought it would be fun (same goes for living with relatives and every other story she tells you).  The next person she will accuse of abusing her is you -- it's certain at some point. 

[lbjnltx]

Thank you Inferno for trying... .for standing in the gap for your gfriend.

Some of us more than tried... .we succeeded!


lbj

[MammaMia]

Inferno

You sound like a very stable person and your gf is fortunate to have your love and support.

I do not know how long you have been together, but after a lifetime of struggling with a child wBPD, some parents just emotionally burn-out.  Bpd is a very complex mental illness, and it is emotionally and physically devastating for everyone involved.  There are many victims.  It is difficult to know what to believe, because when people have this disorder, their perceptions are distorted, but it is important for you to be careful not to get sucked into the illness.

You will need to establish boundaries to protect yourself.  Read all you can on BPD.  This site is an excellent source of vital information.  

I am not defending your gf or her parents. I am only suggesting that you be vigilant in guarding yourself from harm. Being a caregiver to a pwBPD is very difficult and demanding.

Thank you for joining us.  We are here to help in any way we can.  Take care.