Broken boundary and positive response to my negative behaviour

[Crumbling]

I've been trying to adhere to this new boundary with my BPDh that I am in charge of my days and time and I do what is best for me, and not what he thinks/says/demands.  We are very enmeshed and I've been working at trying to detangle our lives, and take control of my own... .

Yesterday we had two dinner invitations on the table, and chores that needed doing.  I wanted to go to dinner with my cousin, but h clearly stated he wasn't going anywhere until he got his chores done.  This is one of his goals, to get something physical accomplished everyday.  Dinner invitation was for three.

He dragged his feet all morning.  He moped around, upset he had 'so much to do', blah blah blah.  By noon, when he hadn't even started his chores (it takes about three hours to get it all done), I guess I got nervous or something, and declined both invitations.  Really, honestly, in my mind, I had just re-arranged some priorities.  There was a new art project I wanted to try, and so I decided that was what I'd do instead of going to dinner.  Still my choice, right?  At least, that's what I thought.

I knew I had done something wrong not an hour after I cancelled dinner.  It was like he took me staying home with him as a sign that he could now decide what I was going to do with my day.  Every ten, fifteen minutes for hours he kept giving me tasks, trying to convince me what I 'should do', etc.  I kept warding them off, but he just kept at it and at it, until I realized he was putting more effort into attempting to dictate what I was doing than anything else that day.  By five pm, my art project was all done, and he STILL had not started his chores, and actually made a pass for sex at me!

That's when I blew my top, that's when I realized in his eyes, I had broke my boundary of not letting him dictate my day.  It made me re-evaluate my decision... .did I?  Yeah, I guess so.  I gave him an inch, and he was going for the mile.  I got mad at myself, openly, stating I was a fool for not going to dinner, how I should have just went alone and maybe we both would have had a better day.  This sparked him into getting his chores done (and in record time, I may add) but a tension was left in the wake and we spent the evening distant and practically silent.

Two points of confusion in all this: 

1.  Do I really need to stick with my plans like duck tape every time?  How can I keep spontaneity in my life while keeping my boundary?  Could I have stated my decision in a different way that would have better explained why I was choosing to change my plans and that it was still my choice?  Would this have even made a difference?

2.  I've noticed a pattern with my BPDh... .when I get to the end of my rope, and start freaking out, he sits up and listens.  I could have said, and did say, the same thing twenty times before I explode, but he only hears that last time.  My question is, has anyone else found a way to get a point thru to their pwBPD without it having it escalate to a level where all he! is about to break loose? 

I don't like loosing it, I'm trying to stay level.  And I'm not talking about throwing things and uncontrolled anger here, I  mean a loud voice, and direct blunt statements and, well, yeah, I bit of stomping around and slamming doors with lots of emotion behind it.  It's like if I don't respond to him with all that I'm feeling, then I'm not really serious in his eyes or something... .I don't know... .cant figure this one out.  Any suggestions?

Thanks,

c.

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[vortex of confusion]

Every ten, fifteen minutes for hours he kept giving me tasks, trying to convince me what I 'should do', etc.  I kept warding them off, but he just kept at it and at it, until I realized he was putting more effort into attempting to dictate what I was doing than anything else that day. 

How did you ward them off?

By five pm, my art project was all done, and he STILL had not started his chores, and actually made a pass for sex at me!

Sounds like he was wanting attention. This reminds me of a little kid that acts up because they want something but are afraid to ask. My husband used to do stuff like this too. He would be a bit of a jerk and at some point indicate that he wanted sex. Life would have been so much easier if he would have told me that he needed/wanted to have sex with me. It never quite worked that way though. I am finding a lot of healing in our therapeutic abstinence.

1.  Do I really need to stick with my plans like duck tape every time?  How can I keep spontaneity in my life while keeping my boundary?  Could I have stated my decision in a different way that would have better explained why I was choosing to change my plans and that it was still my choice?  Would this have even made a difference?

I don't think it is necessary to stick with your plans every time. I am thinking that the confusion may be in whether or not you were clear in your own mind. It sounds like you did change your plans because of him. I don't see that as a particularly bad thing. It seems like you are confused and are trying to tip toe around things. Here is what I am seeing: You changed your plans because you didn't think he would be able to go to dinner with you. From the sound of things, part of the reason that you wanted to go to dinner was to be with him. (There is nothing wrong with that.) Since you didn't think he could go, you rethought what you wanted to do because the thought of going out to dinner without him did not appeal to you for whatever reason.

I think you may have been able to communicate things with him better. I have found that I am better at communicating with my spouse when I am more clear on things in my own head. If I am trying to justify things to myself, I have a really difficult time communicating those things to my husband or anybody else because I am not being real with myself.

2.  I've noticed a pattern with my BPDh... .when I get to the end of my rope, and start freaking out, he sits up and listens.  I could have said, and did say, the same thing twenty times before I explode, but he only hears that last time.  My question is, has anyone else found a way to get a point thru to their pwBPD without it having it escalate to a level where all he! is about to break loose? 

Been there, done that, have a collection of t-shirts. 

First off, stop saying it 20 times. Say it once and leave it at that. If he continues to ask, say something like, "I have already responded to that. I am not going to respond again." And keep repeating that instead of the answer. Or, I have said things like, "We have already had this discussion. I don't want to have it again." If you are like me and have a tendency to keep answering or explaining, then it can be very, very difficult to stop explaining and prevent the escalation. I know that I am doing better because there have been a couple of incidents over the weekend where I was really close to escalating things. I didn't. I listened to what he said and I went quiet. I validated where I could but otherwise kept my mouth shut. I waited until much later to bring up the stuff that I wanted to talk about. Last night, I came home from work and walked into a screaming match between him and our oldest daughter. He was in the front of the house and she was in the back of the house and they were screaming at each other. I yelled "STOP" as loud as I could. It shut them both up long enough for me to get a grip on what was going on.

Instead of losing my cool, I sat them both down and got an account of what happened. I didn't really say much to my husband but I did give my daughter a good talking to about her behavior. And, in validating her, my husband got to hear what the problem was. He put our daughter on the spot and asked her a question about whether or not he failed or something like that. I was proud of my daughter. She refused to answer him and said something along the lines of, ":)ad, what do you think the answer is based on how I am acting? It is called social cues. I am not going to answer your question because I know it will upset you." He quit badgering her and I was there to back her up and help her keep her boundaries. At the same time, I was fuming. I was ready to lose it with daughter and husband. I finally said, "Look, I am hopping mad right now and I cannot continue this discussion. I am afraid that I will say something mean and hurtful." And then I went and got something to eat and changed out of my work clothes. They both chilled out and we went on to have an ok evening.

I don't like loosing it, I'm trying to stay level.  And I'm not talking about throwing things and uncontrolled anger here, I  mean a loud voice, and direct blunt statements and, well, yeah, I bit of stomping around and slamming doors with lots of emotion behind it.  It's like if I don't respond to him with all that I'm feeling, then I'm not really serious in his eyes or something... .I don't know... .cant figure this one out.  Any suggestions?

Skip the fluffy BS. Why not skip straight to the direct blunt statements while you are in a place where you can deliver them without all of the emotion? I do know exactly what you are talking about. I think I have posted a few times about this same thing. It feels like I have to be a b***h to getting anything accomplished. And then I feel bad about being a b***h. I have been trying to put the emotion there in a more productive way. Not sure how to explain it other than to say that I will say things like, "I am NOT going to say that again so you can stop nagging me."

I have come to the conclusion that my husband is acting like a child. He tries to push my buttons to get attention. If your husband can still push your buttons and get you to lose it, then he is getting his attention. Negative attention is better than no attention. If a child were to behave this way, what would people recommend?

[Grey Kitty]

I see a lot of good work on your part.

I also see you in a fuzzy area around your boundary enforcement... .this doesn't sound quite healthy to me... .

By five pm, my art project was all done, and he STILL had not started his chores, and actually made a pass for sex at me!

That's when I blew my top, that's when I realized in his eyes, I had broke my boundary of not letting him dictate my day.  It made me re-evaluate my decision... .did I?  Yeah, I guess so.  I gave him an inch, and he was going for the mile.  I got mad at myself, openly, stating I was a fool for not going to dinner, how I should have just went alone and maybe we both would have had a better day.  This sparked him into getting his chores done (and in record time, I may add) but a tension was left in the wake and we spent the evening distant and practically silent.

It doesn't matter if your husband thinks you broke your boundary or not. That is the magic of boundary enforcement. YOU choose to enforce YOUR boundary when YOU need to do it. His opinions on it don't matter. Heck, you don't have to tell him that you will be enforcing a boundary at all; all you have to do is the actual enforcement. (Which probably does involve saying something to him, at least about the immediate situation.)

Boundary enforcement is an action you take to protect yourself. Yes, you are protecting yourself from his behavior in most cases, but the point is that it is for your protection.

Boundary enforcement isn't about changing your husband's behavior. (That may happen anyway) If you do it as a way to get him to change his behavior, it will feel petty and controlling, and will keep you enmeshed.

Your decision whether you would rather do an art project or go to dinner is yours. Make it based on what you want. Whether your H has done chores he says he wants to do shouldn't come into it at all!

Your boundary that you won't be doing everything he tells you to do when he does it is a good one. Keep in mind that you can still do kind things for him, or do things that he asks for, if you choose to.

[Crumbling]

How did you ward them off?

In different ways, but along the same lines. Here are some:

"I am an adult, dear, and I can plan my own day, but thank you for the suggestion, tho."

"I stayed home to do this project, and I'm sticking with it until I'm done."

"What I do is my life and my choice and I'm doing this right now."

"You chose not to do your chores this morning, that isn't my fault.  No, I will not help you finish them.  That's something you decided for you.  I'm not really helping if I step in and do it."

"My priority is X. Yours is Y.  You stick to yours and I'll stick to mine."

Sounds like he was wanting attention. This reminds me of a little kid that acts up because they want something but are afraid to ask. My husband used to do stuff like this too. He would be a bit of a jerk and at some point indicate that he wanted sex. Life would have been so much easier if he would have told me that he needed/wanted to have sex with me. It never quite worked that way though. I am finding a lot of healing in our therapeutic abstinence.

He's behaviours are very child like, in a lot of ways.  I hadn't thought about it before, but maybe he wanted to stay home and have sex, but didn't say.  When I stayed home, he saw his 'in' and went for it... .and I rejected.  Maybe if he could have stated he wanted to have 'alone time with me' maybe the day would have went different.  Would I have stayed home to have sex?  Likely not.  But I would have taken his suggestion into consideration, and perhaps we could have fit it in somewhere.  But he didn't ask, and I didn't read his mind.  Feels like another lose-lose scenario.  My BPDh is dead set against abstinence, but I'm pretty sure it would help us out a lot if we could do this for a time.

I think you may have been able to communicate things with him better. I have found that I am better at communicating with my spouse when I am more clear on things in my own head. If I am trying to justify things to myself, I have a really difficult time communicating those things to my husband or anybody else because I am not being real with myself.

I also see you in a fuzzy area around your boundary enforcement... .this doesn't sound quite healthy to me... .

Both these statements make sense.  I am being ify sometimes with my boundary, like this time... .I'm just learning.  I've really seen how not being clear can make things worse.  I could have taken a bit more time to articulate things in my head before re-acting.  Point taken.

First off, stop saying it 20 times. Say it once and leave it at that. If he continues to ask, say something like, "I have already responded to that. I am not going to respond again." And keep repeating that instead of the answer. Or, I have said things like, "We have already had this discussion. I don't want to have it again." If you are like me and have a tendency to keep answering or explaining, then it can be very, very difficult to stop explaining and prevent the escalation.

I get this, but I'm having a hard time practising it... .the underlying request is the same, controlling my actions, but the exact statements that come out are all different, so it feels like I need to address them all individually, repeatedly.

If a child were to behave this way, what would people recommend?

  Good question.

It doesn't matter if your husband thinks you broke your boundary or not. That is the magic of boundary enforcement. YOU choose to enforce YOUR boundary when YOU need to do it. His opinions on it don't matter. Heck, you don't have to tell him that you will be enforcing a boundary at all; all you have to do is the actual enforcement. (Which probably does involve saying something to him, at least about the immediate situation.)

Boundary enforcement is an action you take to protect yourself. Yes, you are protecting yourself from his behavior in most cases, but the point is that it is for your protection.

Boundary enforcement isn't about changing your husband's behavior. (That may happen anyway) If you do it as a way to get him to change his behavior, it will feel petty and controlling, and will keep you enmeshed.

Your decision whether you would rather do an art project or go to dinner is yours. Make it based on what you want. Whether your H has done chores he says he wants to do shouldn't come into it at all!

Thanks for the reminders... .it's hard to ummesh ten years of co-dependance.  I thought I was being independent in my choice, and it was only when he started behaving in his old ways that I realized it likely wasn't as independent a decision as I had led myself to believe.

[Grey Kitty]

... .it's hard to ummesh ten years of co-dependance.  I thought I was being independent in my choice, and it was only when he started behaving in his old ways that I realized it likely wasn't as independent a decision as I had led myself to believe.

This kind of realization is really good.

You spent 10 years getting into this with your H. You probably were primed for it already by events and relationships in your past. You may be finding more layers to work on for a while now... .and that is OK. The important part is that you are finding and addressing them.

[vortex of confusion]

In different ways, but along the same lines. Here are some:

"I am an adult, dear, and I can plan my own day, but thank you for the suggestion, tho."

"I stayed home to do this project, and I'm sticking with it until I'm done."

"What I do is my life and my choice and I'm doing this right now."

"You chose not to do your chores this morning, that isn't my fault.  No, I will not help you finish them.  That's something you decided for you.  I'm not really helping if I step in and do it."

"My priority is X. Yours is Y.  You stick to yours and I'll stick to mine."

I had a couple of thoughts when I read these. First, I don't see any sort of validation in any of these statements. I see that you have spoken your truth. What about the Support and Empathy? I had to go back and read about SET to get a reminder.   I still suck at this at times. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

I get this, but I'm having a hard time practising it... .the underlying request is the same, controlling my actions, but the exact statements that come out are all different, so it feels like I need to address them all individually, repeatedly.

Do you really think it was about controlling your actions? I have had the same feeling so I know where you are coming from with this. I am not quite sure how to articulate this so forgive me for stumbling a bit. I am going to list some observations/thoughts that may or may not be accurate:

-It sounds like the two of you danced around things without directly addressing anything.

-The statements that you shared above seemed a bit dismissive.

-I wonder if there was an underlying feeling/emotion that was driving him that had nothing to do with control. It seems more like a childlike way of trying to reach out to you. Would it have been better to assume something other than control? It could have been an attempt to control you. I know that in my experiences, I get better results when I try to leave control out of the equation all together.

-Addressing each statement individually is missing the underlying issue. At any point did you stop him and say, "Hey, you keep asking me all of these questions/making requests. What is going on here? Let's talk about this. Help me understand what is going on."

Thanks for the reminders... .it's hard to ummesh ten years of co-dependance.  I thought I was being independent in my choice, and it was only when he started behaving in his old ways that I realized it likely wasn't as independent a decision as I had led myself to believe.

This is really difficult to navigate. I have been in the same situation. I will do my thing and then have him revert to old behaviors. I find myself panicking and questioning myself. I am so afraid of falling into old patterns. Him behaving in old ways may or may not have anything to do with the choice that you made. The only way to know whether or not you were being independent in your choice is to look at what you wanted to do without looking at how he reacted. Easier said than done. I have almost 17 years of ingrained patterns that I am trying to change. It isn't easy. Hang in there!

Here are a few hugs for good measure!  

[Crumbling]

     Thanks for talking things out with me.   

-It sounds like the two of you danced around things without directly addressing anything.

Yep.  In hind sight, this sounds right... .stuck in a cycle.  As my frustration levels rose as the day went on, I knew we weren't getting anywhere.  But I couldn't/didn't step back enough to understand... .FOG maybe... .

-The statements that you shared above seemed a bit dismissive.

This goes back to using S.E.T., right?  You're right, I see now where these may have been conceived as dismissive... .in trying to weed out what is unnecessary praise and/or enforcing negative behaviours I may have thrown the baby out with the laundry... .there must be a way to balance/recognize the difference, I just haven't found it, I guess.  I was responding to a 'negative' behaviour and so I didn't want to use any praise or empathy for him... .well, other than a 'sucks to be you' way in my head.

-I wonder if there was an underlying feeling/emotion that was driving him that had nothing to do with control. It seems more like a childlike way of trying to reach out to you. Would it have been better to assume something other than control? It could have been an attempt to control you. I know that in my experiences, I get better results when I try to leave control out of the equation all together.

And this comment goes back to the maybe he wanted sex discussion... .circumstances here and now are such that I see that this WAS what he was after yesterday.  So, without him telling me his truth, how could I have changed anything?  Again, it makes me feel like I"m in a lose-lose way.  I can't 'make' him tell me the truth any more than I can read it in his thoughts... .powerless

-Addressing each statement individually is missing the underlying issue. At any point did you stop him and say, "Hey, you keep asking me all of these questions/making requests. What is going on here? Let's talk about this. Help me understand what is going on."

In a way, yes I did.  But it was wrapped in the control issue, which likely wasn't the best approach.  I just go back to that issue instinctively, I think.  Or maybe he acts controlling when he feels well, sorry for being blunt but, horny.  Because of his long term ED, I know he has hangups around sex that are hurting him.  He feels out of control in that area, so tries to compensate with being over controlling in other ways.  I'm totally on the alert of not allowing him to control me, but I've not looked real deep into why he is over controlling. 

[vortex of confusion]

    Thanks for talking things out with me.   

This is helping me too as I have some of the same issues. 

Yep.  In hind sight, this sounds right... .stuck in a cycle.  As my frustration levels rose as the day went on, I knew we weren't getting anywhere.  But I couldn't/didn't step back enough to understand... .FOG maybe... .

It could be FOG. It could be something else. For me, I sometimes have a difficult time stepping back and taking the time to sort out my feelings because of familiarity. Those ways of interacting with my husband are what I know. That is how I have been programmed. Stepping back when I feel those feelings of frustration is very uncomfortable. One thing that I have noticed about myself is my own patterns. I will feel the tiny twinges of frustration and will try to talk myself out of it. I end up working myself in knots because I don't acknowledge my own feelings soon enough to deal with the situation before it gets to the level of me exploding.

This goes back to using S.E.T., right?  You're right, I see now where these may have been conceived as dismissive... .in trying to weed out what is unnecessary praise and/or enforcing negative behaviours I may have thrown the baby out with the laundry... .there must be a way to balance/recognize the difference, I just haven't found it, I guess.  I was responding to a 'negative' behaviour and so I didn't want to use any praise or empathy for him... .well, other than a 'sucks to be you' way in my head.

Finding that balance is very difficult. I am still working on it myself. I have read and reread the stuff on SET. I wonder if it would help to look at the statements that you posted and see what they might look like in SET format. This is me guessing/practicing for me as much as for you. 

Original statement:

"I am an adult, dear, and I can plan my own day, but thank you for the suggestion, tho."

SET:

I value your opinion. I see that you are concerned about what I am doing. Thank you for your suggestion. I am going to plan my day today. Is there something that you would like to do together?

(Or something like that.)

Original statement:

"I stayed home to do this project, and I'm sticking with it until I'm done."

(I don't know what you were responding to with this so I am guessing/throwing out ideas.)

I appreciate you doing your chores. I hear that you want me to do <fill in the blank>. I chose to stay home to do this project. I am sticking with it until I'm done.

The goal of set isn't really to praise them or enforce negative behavior. It is to let them know that you value them and see their struggles while speaking your truth. I may be wrong but I see it as a way to enforce boundaries in a more gentle way. It is "I love you and value your opinion. I see that you are struggling with whatever. Here is what I am/am not going to do/think/feel." You can validate the fact that he feels horny without doing anything about it. Does that make sense? It doesn't always make sense to me because I have a tendency to want to fix it. I sometimes have trouble validating his feelings because, in the past, I would take it upon myself and get stuck thinking things like, "If he is horny, then it is my job to take care of that." I can use set and validate that he is feeling that way without taking responsibility for it.

And this comment goes back to the maybe he wanted sex discussion... .circumstances here and now are such that I see that this WAS what he was after yesterday.  So, without him telling me his truth, how could I have changed anything?  Again, it makes me feel like I"m in a lose-lose way.  I can't 'make' him tell me the truth any more than I can read it in his thoughts... .powerless

You can't read his thoughts. You don't have anything to work with if he isn't telling you his truth. I have found that there are a lot of times that my husband has no clue what his truth it. He gets feelings/desires and doesn't know what to do with them. It is difficult to navigate. I am trying to think of how I have handled it and felt like it was mildly successful. There have been times recently when my husband has acted kind of like you describe. I have gotten better at being more direct. Instead of doing the dance with him, I try to stop it early on and tell him things like, "Look. I can tell by the way that you are acting that something is going on. I will be happy to listen to you and see if there is something that I can do to help you. I am not a mind reader so I need you to communicate with me."

Sometimes it works. Sometimes, he will tell me what it is that is bugging him and sometimes he will tell me stuff like, "I don't know. I am feeling really off today and don't know why." The key is to not let it get under my skin. I know, easier said that done. Some days, everything gets under my skin and I can't deal with being the adult.

In a way, yes I did.  But it was wrapped in the control issue, which likely wasn't the best approach.  I just go back to that issue instinctively, I think.  Or maybe he acts controlling when he feels well, sorry for being blunt but, horny.  Because of his long term ED, I know he has hangups around sex that are hurting him.  He feels out of control in that area, so tries to compensate with being over controlling in other ways.  I'm totally on the alert of not allowing him to control me, but I've not looked real deep into why he is over controlling. 

It might help you to look at the deeper issue of why he is over controlling. My husband has told me that he is the most controlling when he feels out of control. Before my husband and I agreed to a period of abstinence, we had a really good conversation about sex. We had worked ourselves up into a dynamic where we were both afraid to ask and we were afraid not to ask. He was afraid to ask me because he was afraid I would reject him. I was afraid to ask him because I was afraid that he couldn't perform and that would end up with him getting into the self loathing/self hatred stuff. I felt like I couldn't say no to sex. And, to complicate things even more, it felt like I was having sex on eggshells. Not a way to enjoy things and be intimate. Sex had become entirely too important. Here is a link that I have read several times and have bookmarked: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a114.htm

When we were talking about the reasons behind the period of abstinence, I told him that I really enjoyed being physical with him in the past. I want the two of us to be able to be together without all of the baggage and hang ups.

[Crumbling]

You may be finding more layers to work on for a while now... .and that is OK. The important part is that you are finding and addressing them.

   ... .thanks for the heads up.  Seems I'm just skimming the surface.

[Crumbling]

Hi, again!

So... .

For me, I sometimes have a difficult time stepping back and taking the time to sort out my feelings because of familiarity. Those ways of interacting with my husband are what I know. That is how I have been programmed. Stepping back when I feel those feelings of frustration is very uncomfortable. One thing that I have noticed about myself is my own patterns. I will feel the tiny twinges of frustration and will try to talk myself out of it. I end up working myself in knots because I don't acknowledge my own feelings soon enough to deal with the situation before it gets to the level of me exploding.

You've got a good point here... .familiarity... .  Maybe I'm just working on autopilot some of the time and not really feeling anything.  I know I can get pretty numb with my feelings, and only realize there's an issue when I start acting out, after the fact.

Original statement:

"I am an adult, dear, and I can plan my own day, but thank you for the suggestion, tho."

SET:

I value your opinion. I see that you are concerned about what I am doing. Thank you for your suggestion. I am going to plan my day today. Is there something that you would like to do together?

(Or something like that.)

I like that last line... .this likely would have been a good thing to ask, he was obviously seeking my attention.

Original statement:

"I stayed home to do this project, and I'm sticking with it until I'm done."

(I don't know what you were responding to with this so I am guessing/throwing out ideas.)

I appreciate you doing your chores. I hear that you want me to do <fill in the blank>. I chose to stay home to do this project. I am sticking with it until I'm done.

This was in response to him wanting to throw all plans out the window and have sex... .I was being nagged to death, sex was the last thing I wanted.

The goal of set isn't really to praise them or enforce negative behavior. It is to let them know that you value them and see their struggles while speaking your truth. I may be wrong but I see it as a way to enforce boundaries in a more gentle way. It is "I love you and value your opinion. I see that you are struggling with whatever. Here is what I am/am not going to do/think/feel." You can validate the fact that he feels horny without doing anything about it. Does that make sense?

It doesn't always make sense to me because I have a tendency to want to fix it. I sometimes have trouble validating his feelings because, in the past, I would take it upon myself and get stuck thinking things like, "If he is horny, then it is my job to take care of that." I can use set and validate that he is feeling that way without taking responsibility for it.

Yep, it makes sense.  When he hounds me for attention by trying to dictate my time, I just want to run away.  It makes me defensive and that's when I hold the praise... .like, 'back off buddy, you can't demand my time like that.'  I am seeing my response as having a negative impact on our exchanges, but man, it's hard enough to identify when it's happening, let alone change.

My confusion over my womanly duties as a wife have vanished.  After our discussion on here about cold sex, he tried playing that 'it's what you signed on for' card.  I promptly told him that I've pulled that card from the deck.  No more.  He has human control of his body just like everyone on the planet, and it's HIS duty to exercise them when I'm not in that place.  He actually argued, quoting the Bible.  I just said, 'if I'm wrong, than that's between me and God, and not you and me.'  He was really upset for a long time over this, but whatever.  He's since recovered and has been much less demanding of the issue than he was before.

I have found that there are a lot of times that my husband has no clue what his truth it. He gets feelings/desires and doesn't know what to do with them. It is difficult to navigate. I am trying to think of how I have handled it and felt like it was mildly successful. There have been times recently when my husband has acted kind of like you describe. I have gotten better at being more direct. Instead of doing the dance with him, I try to stop it early on and tell him things like, "Look. I can tell by the way that you are acting that something is going on. I will be happy to listen to you and see if there is something that I can do to help you. I am not a mind reader so I need you to communicate with me."

I like this.  I'll let you know how it works here. 

The key is to not let it get under my skin. I know, easier said that done. Some days, everything gets under my skin and I can't deal with being the adult.

Yep, me too.  I did a lot of inner child work while I was in T before.  It's been good for me to pick up some of the tools I've learned there and put them into practice again.  The theory is that if your inner child is in a bad place, it 'runs the bus' so to speak, and the adult you can't function properly.  That's why curling up in a ball with your 'blankie' feels good... .the child in you needs that comfort.

When I get to the place where the emotional pain becomes physical pain in my chest and shoulders now, I know I need to do something for the little girl in me.  It helps to have a 'feel good' list.  I have one in my journal now, on the front page.  If writing it out doesn't feel like it's helped, I go to page one and do something from the list.  It's helping.   

  I forget to take care of me sometimes, and for you with a young family, it would be even worse because you are playing SuperMom so much.  You know that makes it even more important for you to put you first, right, V?

It might help you to look at the deeper issue of why he is over controlling. My husband has told me that he is the most controlling when he feels out of control.

Likely, but I sort of feel like this is his responsibility, and my job is just to make sure he is aware of this tendency.  Maybe someone else can weigh in here.  ?

thanks for the link, I've put it in my bookmarks, it's good stuff.  I'm sort of on the fence on where we stand based on this info... .I think it calls for it's own thread.

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As I was typing this, I got word that my sick uncle has passed on. May he rest in peace.  He definitely passed that way, surrounded my his immediate family.  He was ready to be with the Lord.  Heaven has earned a powerful asset, and the world has lost a beautiful soul.  I love you, Uncle Cliff.  You will live forever in my heart. 

Gotta go.

Blessings all,

c.

[vortex of confusion]

Likely, but I sort of feel like this is his responsibility, and my job is just to make sure he is aware of this tendency.  Maybe someone else can weigh in here.  ?

It IS his responsibility. I am trying to understand my husband's behaviors and the deeper issues for ME. It isn't even my job to make him aware of it. Me trying to make him aware of it is iffy because it is too easy to become controlling. My purpose in understanding that this is about deeper issues is that it keeps me from going to that place where I start assuming negative intent. It is easier for me to stay in a peaceful place if I remind myself that my husband's behavior isn't anything personal against me. It is a result of something in him. The only time I feel like I should make him aware of something is if it is violating MY boundaries. I am still working on all of this though. It isn't nearly as easy to do as it is to type out. 

As I was typing this, I got word that my sick uncle has passed on. May he rest in peace.  He definitely passed that way, surrounded my his immediate family.  He was ready to be with the Lord.  Heaven has earned a powerful asset, and the world has lost a beautiful soul.  I love you, Uncle Cliff.  You will live forever in my heart. 

Hugs and blessings to you!