Being Devalued right in front of me.This is what made me snap.

[Reecer1588]

Hey guys, Many of you have already read my story, and many posts by me. But I wanted to discuss a certain aspect of what happened to me, in order to understand why she did it to me, and if any one else has undergone this treatment.

Timeline

Beginning of November: I break up with her. She begs me to stay friends, I relent, and agree. We quickly revert back to telling each other we leave one another, and doing exactly the same things we did as BF/GF. Mind you, we go to different colleges. We only saw each other I think... .once or twice before the winter break.

Middle of December: We get back from school, and we live close. She starts coming over again nightly.

What happened

Every night she came over, she seemed a little bit colder to me.  She started to tell me often how she still loved me "but felt more detached from me"

Her indifference became worse, and worse. She would be there with me, and we'd be watching movies, but she didn't want to kiss me very much anymore. She seemed cold, and distant most of the time. For the first time, she started constantly calling me "Immature." And Sure, I was. But she vastly exaggerated how I was really behaving. And actually, for a few days, I made a concerted effort to treat her with more respect, talk to her more like she was one of my male counterparts.

But I felt lost. Every time I wanted to be close to her, she shut down. Didn't get angry, but she just acted cold and apathetic around me.

Guys, I felt dazed, confused. Hopeless.   She was forcing herself not to love me anymore. Sometimes, she would act like the old her, head over heels for me, excited to be with me, but it's like this pervasive apathy towards me kept getting worse, and worse. And what's more? She TOLD ME. But there was nothing I could do about it. I was just a bystander. She wouldn't even give me a chance.

And I guess now, the process is complete. Been about 40 days now, not a peep from her. I guess she's never coming back. She won.

Sure, did she tell me all the perceived/actual slights? Yes. But she just told me "all the little things add up.' I felt like my whole character as a man, was flawed.

As many of you know, the last time she did this, I was teasing her one minute, and she was elated, and the next second, she turned cold on me again. That was the night that I yelled at her, and said the following "All I do is kiss your ass, Go home, and don't come back"

That's the last time I saw her, was her physically running out of my house.  :'(

I felt horrible as soon as I did it. If only she had stayed longer, and just talked to me



It was like this: The More I loved her, the more affection and compassion I showed her= the colder she was.


That's all I wanted from her, guys. Was to just talk to me. I wanted her to feel something other than cold apathy so badly!



Questions:

Is what I just described a typical BPD behavior? And if it is, what was the reasoning behind her growing indifference to me?

Does anyone think that I could have done anything differently?

And finally, does anyone have any similar stories of what I call "growing and pervasive apathy/indifference, acting colder and more distanced from you"

Thanks all



~Reece

[Infern0]

Hi reece.

Seems like typical push/pull

One thing you must understand with BPD's is that they are triggered by Engulfment or Abandonment

What this means is that if you get too close to them, or too distant they can be emotionally triggered, although for us this seems like nonsense, to the BPD it is a very real feeling and is extremely unpleasant to them

The first time I experienced this behavior with my BPD girlfriend I didn't understand what was happening and took it very personally. It lead to our first breakup.

Nowadays I recognise the engulfment trigger and have become adept at disarming it, if I sense things are getting overwhelming I suggest she spend a night at her friends, and sometimes she will go stay with her, then she comes back, all is fine.

It's important to not personalize BPD behaviors, even AFTER a breakup and being where you are now, if she was true BPD she didn't mean to do this, sadly it's just part of the disorder and can be devastating to the non.

[JRT]

 And if it is, what was the reasoning behind her growing indifference to me?

Fear of abandonment/engulfment[/quote]
Does anyone think that I could have done anything differently?[/quote]
No... it was in the cards before you even met her... .there was likely nothing you could have done differently


[/quote]

[raisins3142]

Yes, I could feel my uBPDexgf pulling away on all levels.  It was very hurtful and made me feel rejected and confused because nothing would work, no matter what I did it would trigger her engulfment/abandonment.  It also gave her a sense of control because I was the one that had to work at things, which probably helped her sense of shame and feelings of low self worth in a way because I was obviously bending and scraping for her.  If people are fickle sometimes, then this is that turned up to 11.

I don't think mine realized this.  She was probably justifying her feelings by focusing on something I did or some flaw I have.  I don't think they realize that they have an issue where literally any step toward or away is wrong and the NON is screwed.  Sad for everyone involved.

I think this is why mine focused so much on finding someone that just totally accepted all of this.  She wanted someone around that would be patient and just love her even when she was withdrawn and would just understand and get it.  It is too much to ask, I had needs as well within a relationship, and that was to feel as if I was in a relationship with someone that valued me.  Without that, I'd rather be alone.  They want/need a parental love that they never received.  I am lucky in that as a child I was made to feel loved and safe.  Now as a 30 something, I can shut my eyes and return to that.  My parents implanted that feeling in me, despite some lows I can feel.  They do not have a core feeling of being ok.  It is sad.  They look for it in a way that could not be better designed to keep them from finding it.  This might be the cruelest mental illness that there is.  I would rather live my life with Downs syndrome or blind than to have untreated BPD.

[JRT]

That was really powerful Raisins... .I like your perspective on this.

[Blimblam]

Yeah, you were being split.  Was your ex by chance a quiet borderline? 

It's like all of a sudden one day they wake up and don't love you anymore.  But the fear of losing what they had keeps them running back like chasing a high but once we get close again it disgusts them and when they see us affected by it they loose all respect for us. 

[Jack2727]

There was NOTHING you could have done differently except abandon her before her nuclear missiles arrived. See my friend, little did you know that you were already at Defcom 1. As it has been said, you did something to trigger her abandonment/engulfment issues. I did that with my ex by contacting her mom about a month and a half before our b/u trying to get some info on what her deal was. I also further exacerbated the situation by adding all her family and friends on facebook after Thanksgiving.

Don't blame yourself! Your ex sounds very much like mine. Like yourself, I went through that slow burn right before she discarded me.

Questions:

Did it seem like she was kinda not there during the last month?

Did her contact patterns change?

Was your breakup very sudden and she used phrases like "I didn't feel the spark" or "I can't give you the love you deserve".

Understand man this... .This is not about YOU its about HER. She has mental issues, deep ones. Keep your head up! I know its hard. I have been there. And still am there to a point. 

[Leaving]

It is true that thoughtful affection can trigger that iced demeanor.  I have experienced this with my husband, mother AND maternal grandmother.  Anytime that I was thoughtful, loving and attentive they would all turn cold and find something negative to say. I remember once going to a florist to buy my grandmother some flowers and I almost had a full blown panic attack in front of the designer and didn't know why.  Now I do!  I subconsciously knew that I was walking into a land mine.  Sure enough, i sent the flowers and she called and told me that I should have sent boxed flowers instead of a vase and that she preferred lilies and not a mixed bouquet.  After that, I didn't send her anymore flowers.

I tend to believe that it's not just that they turn cold out of fear of abandonment but that they don't know how to express SINCERE heartfelt affection and anytime they do it's just learned behavior that they mimic from watching others. There are all sorts of cultural, educational and social factors that dictate how a BPD person will react.  Someone with an education may develop a higher degree of appropriate etiquette and rhetoric and function quite well on the surface despite their insincere displays of gratitude and affection.  But, in general I believe that affection toward them makes them uncomfortable for many reasons- one being that they don't know how to respond in a genuine way and they fear being discovered as a fraud and clam up. The only time my husband is nice to me or the slightest bit affectionate is when he wants something in return or he has done something ' bad' that will upset me. So, he does know the difference between being thoughtful and cold and how to use them to his benefit. BTW, he was professionally diagnosed as NPD/BPD.  He's good at faking being happy and nice and thoughtful -especially with people that mean nothing to him or people who treat him very badly but he really isn't any of those things on the inside. He's sort of an empty shell that performs in an effort to gain approval, attention, affection, admiration or he's performing as a means to repress his hurt, shame and anger since he has such a fear of looking like a bad guy.  He wasn't allowed to express anything negative at home so, he never learned how.  He just got hit or spanked.   As children, we all learn how and when to express our emotions at home.  My husband did not grow up in a home where emotional or verbal expression was allowed other than the father or mother expressing their disapproval and punishments. My husband lacks the vocabulary and rhetoric  for expressing anything negative and he lacks the ability to reason, debate and compromise. Everything is either all good or all bad.  He will say things like, ' I hate chocolate but it's not bad I sorta like it I guess' or ' I hate that MFer but he's a good guy and he's nice to me'.  He simply doesn't operate in the grey area where most things in the world have good and bad qualities.    Early in our marriage I noticed that his mother is cold as ice when anyone shows her affection and now I suspect that she is borderline.  I know she exhibits a lot of the NPD characteristics as well.  My husband has always been in the forever trying to please mom phase.  I remember on our first date he came to my house and said, ' Wow, my mom will like you!" and I should have run while I still had a chance.  hahahha  Our first married Christmas we picked out a really thoughtful antique gift for his mother who collected them and she completely ignored it and never acknowledged it which hurt my husband very much and angered me.  How could she be so dismissive and cold?  Not a thank you or any mention of it at all.  She couldn't even fake it.

In hindsight, I recognize so many toxic patterns in his family dynamic including a history of addictions and eating disorders.

Unfortunately, because my husband never learned how to express his positive or negative sincere emotions, he keeps them all bottled up which leads to frustration and anger and results in passive-aggressive abuse toward me.  It makes me sad to know that he didn't have a chance to develop properly in his home but there is nothing I can do about that.

[raisins3142]

Yeah, you were being split.  Was your ex by chance a quiet borderline?  

It's like all of a sudden one day they wake up and don't love you anymore.  But the fear of losing what they had keeps them running back like chasing a high but once we get close again it disgusts them and when they see us affected by it they loose all respect for us.  

Mine was a quiet one, and this describes her to the T.

She was actually incredibly weak in a sense but a ragtag survivor of sorts.  So, she detested in me as a weakness what actually made me much stronger than her... .because she could not understand... .and that was I am a good person, connected to friends/family deeply, and I actually feel my genuine emotions.  

She had to take her reptilian coldness, that separates her from others and certainly other women, as some sort of perverse strength because realizing what it actually is would be too shame inducing.

She is enamored with her brothers "strength" but he is a narcissist/serial cheater/possible sociopath that seems nice but actually is not a good person.  He ended up joining military spec ops and wanted to from a young age... .because, honestly, I think he wanted to take huge risks and also legally get to kill people.

[raisins3142]

Questions:

Did it seem like she was kinda not there during the last month?

Did her contact patterns change?

Exactly.  Made me feel like trying to hold her hand was the act of a desperate sexual deviant.  Would never smile or laugh or talk.  Would go days with no contact and when I contacted her to say hi she said I was trying to get information about her whereabouts and micromanage her life.

It is like they wake up one day and the ideal love is gone because they saw a flaw or got triggered, and then you are put on the ski slope on a bobsled and just sliding toward the bottom, and nothing you do does a thing.

They have no interaction between their emotional and more rational brain parts... .most of their life is pure lizard brain conditioned by past trauma.