Dysregulation - what should I do?

[cloudten]

Well- long story short. I have an uBPDbf of (essentially) 3 years. We've been in and out and recycled countless times. Right now we are both in and trying very hard. We do not live together- which has benefits and downsides. One downside is that we miscommunicate A LOT more than when we lived together.

He has become increasingly dysregulated the last 3 days (part of his 3 week cycle I think). It started out that his good friend is a police officer volunteered to go to Baltimore to assist in the riots. He became completely unglued, saying he was going to go with him to Baltimore (uBPDbf is NOT a cop- far from it).  This kind of caught me off guard... .because he doesn't do anything above and beyond to maintain his "friendships"... .and most of the time paints them black as "friends of convenience"... .meaning they only want to be friends with him when its convenient for them. Not very true- and he doesn't reciprocate any kind of effort to be friends. But SOMEHOW this is NOW his best friend that he would die for. ? I just completely don't get it.

Anyway- I have noticed him become more and more dysregulated. I don't know what to do. Fortunately I can go to my own place and sort of "shut him off" as needed. But this morning got worse. One of his businesses is failing at no real fault of his own, and another more successful business got broken into over night. He is COMPLETELY UNGLUED.  So we met for breakfast where he spent most of it texting his employees... .and trying not to get angry.

Bottom line is that i just don't know what to do. I gave him a hug and kiss when I left and told him everything will be okay- which it will be okay.  This will all pass.

So do I just leave him alone? That is the direction I am leaning toward. I know no matter what I decide to do, I lose. So I think I am leaning toward minimizing conversation today because anything I say will be wrong. I will meet up with a girlfriend after work for a mini girls' night out. Then go home and do my laundry.

I guess I feel if I see him, he'll be dysregulated still and we'll both be miserable. If I don't see him and see my friend instead, he will feel abandonded and be more distraught. I am in a no-win situation.

I think I am leaning toward doing my own thing tonight. Does this sound like a good idea?

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[maxsterling]

So do I just leave him alone? That is the direction I am leaning toward. I know no matter what I decide to do, I lose. So I think I am leaning toward minimizing conversation today because anything I say will be wrong. I will meet up with a girlfriend after work for a mini girls' night out. Then go home and do my laundry.

This is a great idea.  You can't fix his problems.  Make yourself available if/when he wants to talk or whatever.  But if he comes down on you, enforce boundaries.  Maybe let him know what you will be doing, and that you are available if he wants to call, and that you do care about what he is going through.  That could help ease the abandonment trigger.  Good chance he will dysregulate and get angry at you anyway, but if that is the case that is beyond your control and was inevitable anyway, and you can't help that. 

Now - my guess as to what is really going on with him - if he is anything like my BPD wife, he may feel closer to people in times of crisis.  My wife tends to bond with people when some kind of stress is going on.  And I am also guessing that your BF is somehow feeling bad about himself because his "friend" is doing something he deems worthy and good.  He may feel that helping his friend out will help him feel like a more valid person and a true friend. 

[cloudten]

So do I just leave him alone? That is the direction I am leaning toward. I know no matter what I decide to do, I lose. So I think I am leaning toward minimizing conversation today because anything I say will be wrong. I will meet up with a girlfriend after work for a mini girls' night out. Then go home and do my laundry.

This is a great idea.  You can't fix his problems.  Make yourself available if/when he wants to talk or whatever.  But if he comes down on you, enforce boundaries.  Maybe let him know what you will be doing, and that you are available if he wants to call, and that you do care about what he is going through.  That could help ease the abandonment trigger.  Good chance he will dysregulate and get angry at you anyway, but if that is the case that is beyond your control and was inevitable anyway, and you can't help that. 

Now - my guess as to what is really going on with him - if he is anything like my BPD wife, he may feel closer to people in times of crisis.  My wife tends to bond with people when some kind of stress is going on.  And I am also guessing that your BF is somehow feeling bad about himself because his "friend" is doing something he deems worthy and good.  He may feel that helping his friend out will help him feel like a more valid person and a true friend. 

Well, I have decided to do my own thing- which is see my best friend for happy hour, then go home and do laundry.  (yay) I did send him a text about an hour ago. I know he has a very busy day- but I KNOW he is glued to his phone---- and it's been silence. I am sure he is very angry.

Your "guess" about what is really going on with him is fascinating. Yes, I have noticed a pattern of him feeling or wanting to be closer to someone in times of crisis. I don't know if he wants to be a hero... .if it's for himself or if it is really truly genuine about the other person.  Maybe he does feel bad about himself... .I never thought of it that way. He does not generally go out of his way, or above and beyond for other people- only on very rare occasion.

[Loosestrife]

Sounds like you're handling it well. If he chooses to target his emotions at you at some point, just remember it's his projection and you are not a mind reader and you  are being supportive by being there when he asks you to be.

[cloudten]

Well that didn't go well at all.

He dumped me this morning.

[cloudten]

I didn't fight it. I am too broken down to fight anymore.

I am crushed... .but I just said "ok"

[babyducks]

Sorry cloudten