Their anger, rage, and our reactions.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Has anyone else had a serious struggle with anger regarding how you are treated and being treated?

Sometimes I feel totally enraged and it is all I can do to remain calm and remember that all of the negativity directed toward me is a reflection of how she thinks and feels.

So here's what went down tonight:

I went over to her house to have dinner as planned.  She was baking cookies with her daughter and neice. The girls wanted to show me the new clothes mom bought them earlier in the day. She told them to go ahead and show me, she would finish the cookies herself.

Later, when the cookies were finished, she complains to herself because they weren't baked correctly.

I ask to try one.  After a minute she says yes. I go pick one up and eat it.  She's moving around the kitchen and apparently I'm in her way. She waves her hands around in the air frantically and says: "Move." To which I reply by moving out of her way and saying: "You don't have to be rude."

She notices the cats are on her dining room table at this point, so she runs over to the table and screams at them: "MOVE!"

I'm observing this play out. She finishes up with the cats and then turns around and yells at me: "Are you judging me? What? Your ex-wife wouldn't have screamed at the cats or burnt the cookies? I hate being judged by you, get the f out of my house!"

I said nothing, and did nothing during this episode. I was simply trying not to be  in the way.

She storms out of the kitchen and goes to her room. The oven is still on, and I'm not sure how long it will be unattended, so I turn it off and proceed to leave.

I decide to hang out in her den for a few minutes in case she changes her mind. She comes back and tells me she can feel me judging her, it doesn't matter that I said nothing. She can feel what I'm thinking.

At this point, I say: "Sweetheart, I'm sorry you feel that way. I can only say that your feelings don't match the reality of my thoughts. I wasn't judging you, I promise."

Then she screams at me: "I'm not crazy! I'm tired of you trying to convince me I'm crazy!"

Now this is the kind of thing that makes me sad. It is impossible to try to interact with someone who is absolutely convinced that their feelings equal reality. I understand that it is reality, to her.

I have 2 reactions to this: First, i am outraged that she treats me this way and i want to stop it.  Then I am deeply saddened for her and have compassion for her and her internal struggles.

I honestly just wish she could understand that I care for her and I don't judge her or think critically of her.

I wonder why she thinks this way.  Is it because she is this critical of herself, of me? Does she assume others (me) are as critical of her?

I asked her about this and she said: "Well, you've been critical of me in the past, so you must be now."

I asked for an example, she gave me one from 4 years ago. I said: "That was 4 years ago." She said: "Four years ago still counts, and shouldn't have ever happened."

Seriously, I could be perfect and she would find something to blame on me.

I know this is her problem, but I let this kind of stuff bother me. Why do I care so much about someone who damages me?

Now I'm going to be upset about this and angry about letting myself be raged at by her.

Oh, before I left, she sent me home with dinner. Really, what is wrong with me?

She told me she doesn't ever want to see me again, and not to bring back the stupid disposable container she placed the food in.

Maybe I should go NC. But... .It's so hard not to check if she's tried to contact me.

[rg1976]

Has anyone else had a serious struggle with anger regarding how you are treated and being treated?

Sometimes I feel totally enraged and it is all I can do to remain calm and remember that all of the negativity directed toward me is a reflection of how she thinks and feels.

So here's what went down tonight:

I went over to her house to have dinner as planned.  She was baking cookies with her daughter and neice. The girls wanted to show me the new clothes mom bought them earlier in the day. She told them to go ahead and show me, she would finish the cookies herself.

Later, when the cookies were finished, she complains to herself because they weren't baked correctly.

I ask to try one.  After a minute she says yes. I go pick one up and eat it.  She's moving around the kitchen and apparently I'm in her way. She waves her hands around in the air frantically and says: "Move." To which I reply by moving out of her way and saying: "You don't have to be rude."

She notices the cats are on her dining room table at this point, so she runs over to the table and screams at them: "MOVE!"

I'm observing this play out. She finishes up with the cats and then turns around and yells at me: "Are you judging me? What? Your ex-wife wouldn't have screamed at the cats or burnt the cookies? I hate being judged by you, get the f out of my house!"

I said nothing, and did nothing during this episode. I was simply trying not to be  in the way.

She storms out of the kitchen and goes to her room. The oven is still on, and I'm not sure how long it will be unattended, so I turn it off and proceed to leave.

I decide to hang out in her den for a few minutes in case she changes her mind. She comes back and tells me she can feel me judging her, it doesn't matter that I said nothing. She can feel what I'm thinking.

At this point, I say: "Sweetheart, I'm sorry you feel that way. I can only say that your feelings don't match the reality of my thoughts. I wasn't judging you, I promise."

Then she screams at me: "I'm not crazy! I'm tired of you trying to convince me I'm crazy!"

Now this is the kind of thing that makes me sad. It is impossible to try to interact with someone who is absolutely convinced that their feelings equal reality. I understand that it is reality, to her.

I have 2 reactions to this: First, i am outraged that she treats me this way and i want to stop it.  Then I am deeply saddened for her and have compassion for her and her internal struggles.

I honestly just wish she could understand that I care for her and I don't judge her or think critically of her.

I wonder why she thinks this way.  Is it because she is this critical of herself, of me? Does she assume others (me) are as critical of her?

I asked her about this and she said: "Well, you've been critical of me in the past, so you must be now."

I asked for an example, she gave me one from 4 years ago. I said: "That was 4 years ago." She said: "Four years ago still counts, and shouldn't have ever happened."

Seriously, I could be perfect and she would find something to blame on me.

I know this is her problem, but I let this kind of stuff bother me. Why do I care so much about someone who damages me?

Now I'm going to be upset about this and angry about letting myself be raged at by her.

Oh, before I left, she sent me home with dinner. Really, what is wrong with me?

She told me she doesn't ever want to see me again, and not to bring back the stupid disposable container she placed the food in.

Maybe I should go NC. But... .It's so hard not to check if she's tried to contact me.

[ogopogodude]

Sorry to hear about your woes. It is not fun being raged at... .an adult temper tantrum directed at you is abuse.  Pure and simple.  

Set a boundary for yourself (And thus, for her as well).

Say to yourself this sentence "I will not let myself be abused anymore by anyone"

You have probably replayed in your mind (over and over again) the activity of that evening.  How she was trying to make everything "just right" dinner-wise, and so on.  

From now on, that is if you are going to continue seeing this troubled gal, ... .the very minute, she screams/rages at you ---> then immediately leave her presence. As soon as she uttered to "get the F out of her house" ... .then do exactly that... .leave. (Run actually, ... .)

It doesn't matter what turmoil she is experiencing inside. BPD or not, there is a civilized way of behaving.  

Let a few days go by, ... but do not initiate the contact.  Let her do that.  You shouldn't have even turned off the oven by the way, ... .she owns (rents, whatever) her place, ... then let her take care of her own crap.  Your obligation for safety is only your own (the very minute she banished you with the F bomb).

The above is only my opinion.   You would not believe how many scenarios just like you experienced with dinner that I have been thru, just like you. I would change MY behaviour by not letting myself experience her unusual and uncalled for rage.  By setting that boundary of leaving right away, you may be able to change her behaviour.  She might learn to modify her outward lashes to those around her if she realizes what may be result (you getting the he** out of there).

[rg1976]

Thanks for your response.

I have tried the approach of setting boundaries and leaving.

Here are problems:

When I draw this line, then the following happens:

1) I hardly ever spend time with her, and I so much want to spend time with her. Still working on the WHY of this one...

2) I am then blamed. It usually goes something like this: "You upset me on purpose because you wanted to spend time with someone else or didn't really want to spend time with me!"

Of course #2 is nonsense.

So basically, as with the rest of the relationship it's a complete no-win situation.

Regarding the oven: I mentioned it because she got upset and told me I was just trying to mess up the next batch of cookies!

I told her as soon as she returned: "I had no idea how long you would be gone, so I turned off the over so it wouldn't be left unattended."

She made some comments about how it would solve our problems if her house burned down and she died. So much of this kind of talk from her.

[Loosestrife]

Hi, nfortunately this scenario is a pretty common for me  too

Agopogodude is right - say the sentence and then walk away. My problem is I am usually angry/hurt and struggle to shut down and detach.

[Infared]

This is a very sad situation. I think that you are clearly dealing with a mentally ill person here who needs professional help. I do no think that any "guessed" change in your behavior in reaction to this barrage can change or "fix" her.  There is just no real appropriate way to be present, is there? You (or herself) will be blamed for the negative outcome. Period.  Pretty upsetting, though.

[rg1976]

The difficult part is that things are not always so clear. Sometimes she seems lucid and seems to genuinely care for me. Although, I must admit, those times are less and less... .

If things were all bad all the time it would be easier to detach.

The back and forth: sometimes she's wonderful, sometimes she's  a terror; that is what really messes with my sanity. I know there is nothing I can do to change her behavior, I am a bystander. However, I am blamed for her behavior... .If I didn't make a comment 4 years ago that hurt her feelings, she wouldn't feel the way she does and rage at me.

For a long time I thought that it must be my fault.  I realize now that I am simply there. I feel like I am like an accessory to her: there to fill a certain role in her life; not viewed as an independent thoughtful person with feelings.

I am working on why I've felt compelled (for years) to remain a part of this.

[downwhim]

Rg,

We are only here on this earth a SHORT time. Is this how you want to spend your time? Your BPDgf degrades you, rages at you and has an need to target her negativity at you. Yes, I know there are sometimes when all is well, but as you said those times are fewer and fewer.

My exBPD fiancé did the same thing. He picked fights. All of a sudden, I could never do anything right. He was preparing at this time to dump me. The joyful times, sex, intimacy, laughter were diminishing. I could never do anything right. He had his mind set.

You can try and fix things (turn off stove). You can be humble and just take it (go home with your packaged last supper) instead of being part of her life. You can stand there frozen and have the f bomb dropped on you and still try and be pleasant OR you can take back your dignity and when she starts to verbally abuse you leave. Stay gone. Don't take it.

It has taken me 5 months to see the abusive situation I was in. Same thing, I walked on eggshells. It was like he held in his anger until I got there. Sometimes I would get the silent treatment. Either way when he would start, I would leave. I had no idea how sick he was and how much he really didn't love me until I stepped totally away.

I have been working on ME. Started N/C and wanted to call him, needed my drug, missed him but read, posted, worked out,... .When you look at it as a drug you need and see how you are part of the addiction, it is what it is. Borderlines need constant conflict and chaos.

When I stepped away I realized none of what I was experiencing was LOVE. Going Places reminds us of the barometer: From the Bible: Love is patient, love is kind... .

Step away, go to a T, she is mentally ill and you cannot fix her. You can fix you. You do not see it but she is eroding your self esteem. You need to get to   you back.

[clydegriffith]

I can totally relate but sometimes there's nothing you can do. It takes A LOT of self control and will power to ALWAYS keep shut and let everything slide.

I remember two of the worst rages the BPDx ever went through stemmed from her being upset that i wasn't holding the Ipad to her liking while we were facetiming her family on thanksgiving and another time over thinking i was wasting baby soap because i was using to much of it when giving our infant daughter a bath. Needless to say my reactions to having to bear a full blown BPD rage from such minor incidents were not very good and i just threw fuel on the fire with my reactions. It's very easy to say you'll take the high road "next time" but much harder to actually go through with it.

[ogopogodude]

There was a time when the things that were uttered at me bothered me immensely, thinking to myself "am I really a a bad buy? Am I a jerk? Did i do things that were not right?"

Then it took years for me to realize that EVERYthing that I was saying and/or doing was in fact correct. And it dawned on me that she was the one that was problematic.

So,... one day, I was in the men's department & I saw this t-shirt at The Bay and it was a plain white T with the SuperMan logo.  I bought it and from that day forward, it seemed, I let the incoming bullets (from my wife and her nutty BPD mom as well) just bounce off my chest.

[Glutton4punishment]

I have to admit I got a little choked up reading your post, as this was the type of situation I felt I was dealing with at least every other day. I was always doing something wrong and she was often very angry with me. But then there are the times when she is so sweet and loving, it's so difficult to reconcile the two. Your post was incredibly validating to me, I'm sorry you have to go through this. My advice is the same as everyone else's, protect your sanity and remove yourself from the situation, as painful as that may be. I am still going through hell emotionally, a full nine months post separation from my wife. The woman I fell in love with was not at all like the woman who divorced me. Her anger and rage were out of control, and I was at fault for everything. It is emotionally bankrupting. I am trying to regain my self-confidence and feel happy about being single again. It is not easy but necessary I guess. Hang in there my friend.

[Loosestrife]

I have to admit I got a little choked up reading your post, as this was the type of situation I felt I was dealing with at least every other day. I was always doing something wrong and she was often very angry with me. But then there are the times when she is so sweet and loving, it's so difficult to reconcile the two. Your post was incredibly validating to me, I'm sorry you have to go through this. My advice is the same as everyone else's, protect your sanity and remove yourself from the situation, as painful as that may be. I am still going through hell emotionally, a full nine months post separation from my wife. The woman I fell in love with was not at all like the woman who divorced me. Her anger and rage were out of control, and I was at fault for everything. It is emotionally bankrupting. I am trying to regain my self-confidence and feel happy about being single again. It is not easy but necessary I guess. Hang in there my friend.

The reconciliation between the two personalities is really mind messing

[hope2727]

I have to admit I got a little choked up reading your post, as this was the type of situation I felt I was dealing with at least every other day. I was always doing something wrong and she was often very angry with me. But then there are the times when she is so sweet and loving, it's so difficult to reconcile the two. Your post was incredibly validating to me, I'm sorry you have to go through this. My advice is the same as everyone else's, protect your sanity and remove yourself from the situation, as painful as that may be. I am still going through hell emotionally, a full nine months post separation from my wife. The woman I fell in love with was not at all like the woman who divorced me. Her anger and rage were out of control, and I was at fault for everything. It is emotionally bankrupting. I am trying to regain my self-confidence and feel happy about being single again. It is not easy but necessary I guess. Hang in there my friend.

The reconciliation between the two personalities is really mind messing

Yes the disconnect between the 2 sides of them is stunning. I still can't wrap my head around it. Let alone my heart which has had a cry its eyes out day. I have to keep reminding myself of what the therapist said... ."you made normal human nature mistakes in this relationship and owned them. He made grotesque, abusive, horrific mistakes in this relationship and blamed you. ITs not the same thing. Forgive yourself and move on."

[jhkbuzz]

I have to admit I got a little choked up reading your post, as this was the type of situation I felt I was dealing with at least every other day. I was always doing something wrong and she was often very angry with me. But then there are the times when she is so sweet and loving, it's so difficult to reconcile the two. Your post was incredibly validating to me, I'm sorry you have to go through this. My advice is the same as everyone else's, protect your sanity and remove yourself from the situation, as painful as that may be. I am still going through hell emotionally, a full nine months post separation from my wife. The woman I fell in love with was not at all like the woman who divorced me. Her anger and rage were out of control, and I was at fault for everything. It is emotionally bankrupting. I am trying to regain my self-confidence and feel happy about being single again. It is not easy but necessary I guess. Hang in there my friend.

The reconciliation between the two personalities is really mind messing

Yes the disconnect between the 2 sides of them is stunning. I still can't wrap my head around it. Let alone my heart which has had a cry its eyes out day. I have to keep reminding myself of what the therapist said... ."you made normal human nature mistakes in this relationship and owned them. He made grotesque, abusive, horrific mistakes in this relationship and blamed you. ITs not the same thing. Forgive yourself and move on."

That's some solid advice. Strange how we feel so much grief about our "normal human nature mistakes" (and sometimes beat ourselves up over them) while we somehow look past (or forgive) what amounts to emotionally abusive behavior from our ex's.

The "two personalities" - and the struggle to reconcile them within one person - is problematic for many people on these boards.  What finally helped me was the realization that the person who I thought she was never really existed.  It was a facade she presented because she needed to attach to me, and it was a facade I needed to believe to go all-in.  When I accepted that both the good and... .**ahem**... .not so good sides were all part of her - and accepted it intellectually and emotionally - my healing truly began.  But it took me months to get there, and months to deconstruct my beliefs about who she was. I also had to accept responsibility for wanting to believe the facade.

[rg1976]

I think the worst part of it all is that this is a fairly common occurrence.

Over the past 4 years, this sort of thing would happen on average once every few weeks.

I can't think of a time when things were okay for longer than a week.

So, my mind went through these stages:

1) Something isn't quite right here.

So, I checked with other people in my life, and other girls I knew.

This started first fight. She didn't want me to talk to anyone else. I shouldn't need emotional support from anyone else!

2) Yes, there is definitely something wrong with her, but...

She tries so hard. She is good to me sometimes, maybe she has a point I'll try harder... .

3) No I can't fix it, I was wrong... .I'm done.

I detach and then she acts like she really wanted the relationship.

4) Maybe I can accept the relationship as-is and not be too attached.

So it's been a process of her raging at me and sometimes being violent because I won't do exactly what she wants me to or let her completely control me.

I've been living with the pain of being raged at, verbally abused, and crushed by her, and in a constant cycle of being broken up with. So I feel like we've been breaking up for years. The only times I feel "better" are when she's actually speaking to me and showing me she cares and wants me in her life.

I've been in therapy for the last 4 years and my therapist says it's like a drug and I have to hit rock bottom and decide I don't want her in my life anymore. He says it makes no sense to anyone on the outside because I have much better options in my life. That at least I love her and don't beat her, that this is likely the best she can do in a relationship.

That's why i'm posting here. To have something to do. So I won't go over to her house and knock on the door, not knowing if she will invite me in or totally ignore me.

I do not want to feel bad anymore.

[Glutton4punishment]

I do not want to feel bad anymore.

Oh dear god, my friend... .This is exactly how I feel too! And nothing anyone who loves me says or does provides relief. Knowing that there are others out there (here) does help. But no one understands how she could have treated me so poorly and yet I still miss and love her. They don't understand why I am so torn still. My therapist gets frustrated with me and tells me I have a sick romantic attachment and this is NOT love. I want to believe him, but my heart says he just doesn't get it. Obviously he gets some of it!   The question is what am I missing?

All I can say is hang in there. We hurt because we care. Ultimately, there is nothing wrong with that... .But obviously the quicker we can detach the better. Time marches on.

[hope2727]

I do not want to feel bad anymore.

Oh dear god, my friend... .This is exactly how I feel too! And nothing anyone who loves me says or does provides relief. Knowing that there are others out there (here) does help. But no one understands how she could have treated me so poorly and yet I still miss and love her. They don't understand why I am so torn still. My therapist gets frustrated with me and tells me I have a sick romantic attachment and this is NOT love. I want to believe him, but my heart says he just doesn't get it. Obviously he gets some of it!   The question is what am I missing?

All I can say is hang in there. We hurt because we care. Ultimately, there is nothing wrong with that... .But obviously the quicker we can detach the better. Time marches on.

Thank you. This is what I was trying to explain to someone today. I have done the therapy.  I have tried to build a new life. I have tried dating. I have tried to grieve. I just can't seem to stop missing him. He is a mess and yet I still want to wrap my arms around him and tell him how loved he is. I can't endure anymore abuse. I can't endure anymore lies. Yet I love him no less than before. Forgive me I really am trying.

[jhkbuzz]

I do not want to feel bad anymore.

Oh dear god, my friend... .This is exactly how I feel too! And nothing anyone who loves me says or does provides relief. Knowing that there are others out there (here) does help. But no one understands how she could have treated me so poorly and yet I still miss and love her. They don't understand why I am so torn still. My therapist gets frustrated with me and tells me I have a sick romantic attachment and this is NOT love. I want to believe him, but my heart says he just doesn't get it. Obviously he gets some of it!   The question is what am I missing?

All I can say is hang in there. We hurt because we care. Ultimately, there is nothing wrong with that... .But obviously the quicker we can detach the better. Time marches on.

Thank you. This is what I was trying to explain to someone today. I have done the therapy.  I have tried to build a new life. I have tried dating. I have tried to grieve. I just can't seem to stop missing him. He is a mess and yet I still want to wrap my arms around him and tell him how loved he is. I can't endure anymore abuse. I can't endure anymore lies. Yet I love him no less than before. Forgive me I really am trying.

Go easy on yourself... ... ..detachment takes time, and it happens at different speeds for different people.  How long were you in the r/s, and how long post b/u and n/c?

[hope2727]

2.5 years in

10 months out

NC since end sept but broke it to apologize for something I found out recently. A mutual friend lied to me and him. Put major conflict between us. I wrote to apologize. He wrote back hatefully. Told me to never contact him again. Not a problem. Serves me right for being the bigger person and apologizing.

I am ok. Sort of. It seems to be my normal

Cycle. A few days ok then crash down into sorrow again. I will be glad when I stop waking up crying from dreams of him. I forgive him. I forgive me. I just wish it could be different. I wish he could get well and come home.

[Infared]

I do not want to feel bad anymore.

Oh dear god, my friend... .This is exactly how I feel too! And nothing anyone who loves me says or does provides relief. Knowing that there are others out there (here) does help. But no one understands how she could have treated me so poorly and yet I still miss and love her. They don't understand why I am so torn still. My therapist gets frustrated with me and tells me I have a sick romantic attachment and this is NOT love. I want to believe him, but my heart says he just doesn't get it. Obviously he gets some of it!   The question is what am I missing?

All I can say is hang in there. We hurt because we care. Ultimately, there is nothing wrong with that... .But obviously the quicker we can detach the better. Time marches on.

Thank you. This is what I was trying to explain to someone today. I have done the therapy.  I have tried to build a new life. I have tried dating. I have tried to grieve. I just can't seem to stop missing him. He is a mess and yet I still want to wrap my arms around him and tell him how loved he is. I can't endure anymore abuse. I can't endure anymore lies. Yet I love him no less than before. Forgive me I really am trying.

What is missing here is that we need to love OURSELVES more than we love the abusive BPD.  Having a T is a great start. I needed to learn to take care of me... .and after a period of time it became more than obvious to everyone that interacting with that person was extremely unhealthy for me... .My mind knew that this was not good for me... .and with absolute NC and support my heart was eventually able to catch up to my head.   Yours can too, it takes time and persistence.  We just need to be patient with ourselves and take small steps forward, away from what was.  We can heal.

[ShadowIntheNight]

My uBPDexgf would call me every morning after she had taken her kids to school RAGING at how she had to yell at them, to feed the cats, to hurry up, to do this, to do that. And I mean literally every morning. When my phone rang, the first thought I had was that she was going to be raging to me about these little kids and how they had started her day off badly. I gotta be honest here, if I was her kid I would be totally confused by her loving kindness and then her raging screaming self. There were times she and I would be talking and out of no where she would yell at them to quit this or bring her something, or shut her door. And her favorite thing to finish up the yelling with was to say, "do you hear me?" And not in a kind way but in a demanding, threatening way.

It had gotten on my nerves, but I excused it away as her being under stress, yet how the heck can you be under stress at 8:05 a.m.? Kind of early to start a stress. Then she'd be gruff to me and say she didn't want to talk and was just going to listen to music on her way to work so she could mentally prepare to be there. Honestly, she had become a b****. And I was always excusing it. She's stressed from the court case, from work, from the cats, from the kid's schoolwork, she's PMSing. You name it, there was always something else upsetting her. Always. And I excused it, tried to just soothe her. But then it got to the point that that didn't work. It didn't work because she had begun the devaluing stage, and I had no idea.

What I'd really like to know is how she is hiding all this rage and anger from her new paramour. Sure she's happy with the new shiny brash, but her kids still drag their butts in the morning, the cats are still waking her up at 5 a.m., the kid's still have schoolwork, and she still has financial obligations that she manages to mess up every month. So where is that rage going? Or is the new shiny brass excusing it like I did. It's rhetorical. But I can't believe she'd do a full 180 and not swing back in a 7 month time frame. She didn't do it with me, and from what I knew about her and her exH, she didn't with him either.

[Glutton4punishment]

"He is a mess and yet I still want to wrap my arms around him and tell him how loved he is. I can't endure anymore abuse. I can't endure anymore lies. Yet I love him no less than before. Forgive me I really am trying."

WOW, how I wish you were her! And how I wish, for your sake, I were he... .But neither are we. F*** thee! 

Or, maybe this is all how it should be and all of this misery is just a beautiful rubiks cube designed for each of us. Let's hope this has a purpose, because I am running out of life energy.

I feel like I love myself, but perhaps not as much as I loved her. I have always been the type to take responsibility for my actions, and it appears I am overdoing it. I sure wish she could do the same.

I really would like to give you all the most massive hug. It hurts. I'm right there with you.

[apollotech]

"NC since end sept but broke it to apologize for something I found out recently. A mutual friend lied to me and him. Put major conflict between us. I wrote to apologize. He wrote back hatefully. Told me to never contact him again. Not a problem. Serves me right for being the bigger person and apologizing."

hope2727,

No, it doesn't "serve you right." You are not deserving of his angry reply nor the anguish that it has caused you in doing the correct thing. You do not need to take responsibility for your exSO's poor behavior. Apologizing for something that you've done is a very admirable quality in a person. It speaks of your maturity and intellectual/emotional health (Why do you think people with BPD very seldom, if ever, apologize?). It's his poor behavior; let him keep it and the responsibility for it.

[jhkbuzz]

2.5 years in

10 months out

NC since end sept but broke it to apologize for something I found out recently. A mutual friend lied to me and him. Put major conflict between us. I wrote to apologize. He wrote back hatefully. Told me to never contact him again. Not a problem. Serves me right for being the bigger person and apologizing.

I am ok. Sort of. It seems to be my normal

Cycle. A few days ok then crash down into sorrow again. I will be glad when I stop waking up crying from dreams of him. I forgive him. I forgive me. I just wish it could be different. I wish he could get well and come home.

That cycle is very, very normal.  It would blow my mind - every time I thought, "Okay, here we go, I'm on my way, I'm feeling better - BAM" - the dip, the sadness.   This cycle can be brutal - I really feel for you.  

Over time, the dips have become less intense and of shorter duration. The interesting thing is that I started to notice that the dips often coincided with the "lens" I was remembering her through.  If I saw her through her "good side" lens I would feel despair - I missed her so much and couldn't even picture a future without her. But when I saw her through her "bad side" lens I would become angry - at her for the way she treated me, and at myself for allowing it to happen.  :)uring THOSE times I knew I couldn't let her back into my life. The difficulty was the constant swing, back and forth, between viewing her through these opposing lenses. The day that I finally was able to incorporate both views of her into a single person - to understand both intellectually and emotionally that all of the good and bad was wrapped up in a single person - extreme though the behaviors were - was the day I feel like my healing began. I got there in large part by working it out on these boards.

I just wish it could be different. I wish he could get well and come home.

That's what some have referred to as "malignant hope."

A poster by the name of 2010 (who has near legendary status on these boards) addressed this very topic - I'll paste it below:

"Many people who get into a relationship with idealization and mirroring can feel life affirmed in the beginning, almost as though this was a holy anointment.  And in the end, when it appears to be just a façade, it can cause such despair that one can only compare it to Hell.

The aftermath of this goes in stages; the back and forth; and having it get worse - only to spiral down and crash.  Then when you've crashed, you really want the pain to go away, and the only thing that you know will take that pain away is the proof that you were really loved in spite of it all, (in spite of the disorder).  But this person can’t take away your pain when they are the cause of it and your uncertainty about that is sometimes outweighed by your hopefulness - and this is what needs to be addressed.

And at a certain point we all feel shame for not being able to “fix” the disorder.  And the more you read about addiction, the more you’ll understand that it really is about a “fix.” Uncertainty versus hope equals bargaining and denial of the dilemma can lead to toxic shame.  All of these “psychology today” terms that really stem from a spiritual wound that needs healing. There are reasons for this.

The BPD partner is really a representative of what you think will “fix” your spiritual wound.  If you have Love - you are lovable. If your love is taken away, you feel unlovable and you don’t want to live. After all, what is life worth living for if you were never truly loved?

So the catch-22 of all of this is that the person who said they loved you actually doesn't understand love - they only know need.  They don’t know what stable love is - otherwise they would feel it - you would feel it and the entire World would be Glorious, but this is a disorder. You've got to respect that.

And the truth of the matter is that you've also got to intellectually understand that you fell in love with a person that has a distorted belief system that causes them to have a pattern of unstable interpersonal behavior. The behavior is triggered by you due to intimacy, and it is their wonky way of a coping mechanism for the thoughts of persecution and bondage to a punitive parent that exists in their head. Lying and impulsive behavior and anger and fear and projection are all part and parcel of the disorder. It’s not reasonable to think you are no longer lovable because of the disorder’s distorted beliefs. You are lovable. The disorder wouldn't have been triggered otherwise.

Hopefully, you know that you are very important. Your importance means that in the aftermath of this failed love - there is still love for yourself that has to be lit from within. If it isn't, the need to hand it over to another person for safe keeping is too much responsibility, especially for someone who is unstable. You must have self-love despite the fact that another human being appears unable to carry your love. In all likelihood, both of you had great intentions for love, but the unstable belief system guaranteed an outcome that did not support trust and faith. This is a disorder. I’m very sorry and I know it hurts.

I know you feel down right now. This is completely appropriate given the circumstances, but I’m here to tell you – you will get through this. There is a resolve inside of you that will not be extinguished. It is a flame that exists in spite of your heartache and you will keep it alive, because there are many people out there who will love you - you just need to give them a chance. Day by day, every person you meet gives you the possibility for love. The despair you feel right now - it will pass, I promise. But first, we need closure on your spiritual wound. Your despair is about a lack of closure, and this back and forth just rips the scab off. So how do we suture you up? What is the best method of closure?

For most people, closure is an action word - you take action by closing the door to someone who has hurt you - especially someone who has hurt you multiple times. And for most people, this is very hard to do. You've held out hope for so long and the back and forth is keeping that hope alive, but it’s also spiritually draining.

No contact is saying that you don’t want to be hurt anymore and you want (or at least attempt) a better future. The hope is something you give yourself. That’s self-preservation and self-love and it’s the effort you make to keep that tiny flame alive inside of you despite the fact that another person has hurt you. You may fall off the wagon and break the no contact agreement, but it will eventually work its way through and the door will be closed. Then you must grieve.

The best you can hope for is that someday you will find peace from the aftermath (now known as an interaction rather than a relationship).  This interaction that was with someone who needed you for the wrong reasons, (not the right ones) which supported a disordered belief system where you were assigned a role to play. You’re going to have to accept that this wasn't supposed to be a lifelong commitment and that’s a GOOD thing you realized this sooner rather than later.

You will eventually accept that the closing of doors lead to the opening of others, and you will wistfully admire your commitment to try and love this person, while realizing the futility of your efforts and still ask yourself the hard questions about why you were willing to love in such a way that you were willing to turn against loving yourself.

It will get better. Day by day. Give it time. And please don’t ever give up."

[Deeno02]

I dont know how to explain this. 7 months out now and I think about all the belittling she did to me, devaluing, the slow cutting of me from her and her kids lives, the constant your a bad boyfriend, treat me special or else speeches, her snarky comments and her finally insulting my daughter on her final rage. It destroyed me. When this happened, I said nothing, or apologized, tried to diffuse using humor, or just flat out agreed, even when I knew she was dead wrong. I know why I did it, I am trying to fix that with my T. I still feel usless and less of a man and, as she so harshly put it, incapable of love, unlovable and emotionless. I know its not true, but my god, the damage done is horrible and at times seems insurmountable. But if I fail, she wins. I cant have that. I am a good man and I deserve so much better. Now, I just have to convince myself of it... .

[downwhim]

Their anger, rage and our reactions... .I think what I have learned about myself is that I shut down when someone yells and rages at me. This is because of my FOO. I run, I leave and I do not converse later and state MY feelings and how it affected me.

I was afraid for 8 years to really look at my inner child and say how I felt. I was always caught up in how he felt and my reaction was whatever pleased him and kept him from getting angry.

I agree with Infared. All of this healing takes time. No one can rush it. No one is better than anyone else here. These relationships hit us like a ton of bricks. We feel abandoned, lost, shamed and insecure when they walk out the door.

Even if we see a T, read, post, exercise, try hard to take care of ourselves, the fact is, we were damaged and we are relearning how to live our lives alone, looking straight into the mirror and liking what we see.  For me this is the first time I have been without a man in my life in 30 years! Who am I? What have I done? Why? All lessons. We can't let this b/u or the borderline define who we are. It is hard. It is lonely. It is necessary.

This is all temporary.

[apollotech]

"Who am I? What have I done? Why? All lessons. We can't let this b/u or the borderline define who we are. It is hard. It is lonely. It is necessary.

This is all temporary."

Anyone looking for wisdom? Here it is ^^^^^^^^ ! Thank you downwhim!