Looking at partner and relationship with new eyes.

[misuniadziubek]

In the past two weeks things have really calmed down in my relationship. My uBPDbf went through a pretty intense cycle of dysregulation and I was the major target for a while there. It wasn't without side effects and scars on I took this all in stride and decided to learn all I could from it about my own codependency issues and my own values.

I've been attending a workshop on stress relief with a very good psychiatrist teaching it. It's a 12 week course and it's coming to an end next week so that feels a bit disheartening.

We had one person talk about how they stop taking care of their own mental health whenever a serious event happens in their family because they are the go-to person for fixing everything. They talked about how if they don't fix things, no one else will so they don't have the time to focus on themselves and feel guilt.

It fit right into my own issues right there because sometimes usually I focus so much on my uBPDbf's needs that I completely dismiss my own. I take responsibility for his feelings, as if I really had any control. It's not my responsibility, I can only change my own feelings/reactions/thoughts and not his.

Grant me the serenity to accept the ones who I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me

The question to ask then is what are you avoiding and trying to overcompensate for? What emotions are behind the need to fix things, to feel needed, taking responsibility for other people?

Someone else mentioned that although there is nothing wrong with helping people, we need to let other people fend for themselves and figure things out so as to enable them to grow. If you're always holding onto a child's bike lest they fall, they never learn to ride a bike themselves.

I had this really interesting experience about two months ago following a weekend where I locked my bf out of his car. His roommate had told him bluntly that if he doesn't feel that I can help him to his satisfaction, he should stop asking me for help instead of seeing me doing it wrong and getting ridiculously frustrated with me. So he followed her advice, in a quite passive aggressive way, and told me that he doesn't want my help in anything period.

I offered to do his laundry, clean up his dishes; Small things, really. but every time he refused my help saying that the less he asks me to do, the better for himself. He was trying to punish me, but the more pertinent issue was my reaction. I got really upset and it wasn't at his open contempt of me. All of these feelings bubbled up and after taking a moment to observe my physical reactions, I realised that somehow I'd cemented this idea that if I wasn't helpful/useful/needed that I wasn't of any value to other people. I told him this since he was wondering why I'd become so upset and he told me that it made no sense.

Naturally, my self-esteem and feelings of self worth go up when I can be helpful to someone, but using that alone as a detector of my value in any relationship is an unhealthy belief.

I have also been observing that with his repeated cycles of dysregulation, his contempt of me has grown and it was making him slowly become more and more distant. I started worrying that it would lead to the end of this relationship and had me go into full caretaker mode. The downside of that is that with the repeated criticisms, I'd become more distant as well and stopped actually talking with him. I'd seek his company but never to talk about anything other than menial things and offer help. I started to spend more time talking to other people about the relationship and what was going on with me and that caused a humongous rift between us. Of course, he felt it and that deepened his uncertainty about us.

Being somewhat familiar with the signs of a relationship falling apart and definitely seeing how disconnected we both felt, I started looking into trying to openly talk to him again and get him to open up as well. Despite all of his rants about me and expressing how he felt we were over, I worked on really listening to him when he talked and the change is very obvious in both of us.

I was listening to a lecture last night about communication and how we get so used to the people we see regularly that we assume we know what they are going to say so we only listen half-heartedly and don't really pay attention.

The solution is to remember to more often take time to listen to the person the way you did when you first met them, focusing on every word and their body language to understand their point of view better. It makes all the difference.

And so we were chatting with a bunch of people last night and seeing my uBPDbf, I started to observe him more closely, trying to put aside all my biases of being in a relationship with him.

His uncertainty, his lack of confidence actually shows through when he talks to strangers. He's a really entertaining guy but he hides what he feels are his shortcomings through his humour and sarcasm. I really felt like I was seeing him under a different light. When he accuses me of things, it's more often than not him projecting his own insecurities onto me.

It's just really strange for me, because being in a relationship with him often blinds me to the truth. I'm a different person than I was when we first started dating. I've grown very intensely since those first moments we spent together and I think I'm finally hitting a point where all those lessons, all those hours of self-reflection are actually solidifying into making me the person I truly wanted to be and I'm not sure he's ever going to really see that. I'm also not sure it matters, either.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[takingandsending]

Hi misuniadziubek,

That is really wonderful growth you have undergone. Despite whether our SO sees it or not, this is truly why we are here. Learn these lessons, take them to heart, and grow. I really like what you said here.

The solution is to remember to more often take time to listen to the person the way you did when you first met them, focusing on every word and their body language to understand their point of view better. It makes all the difference.

I can't say that I listen to her words the way I did when I first met my uBPDw, but I often find myself observing how she speaks, her body language and so forth. And when I do, it softens my heart, as I can see how hard she is trying and how very frightened she often is. But as you noted, we cannot be responsible for their feelings, only our own.

Great work. I am happy for you.

[OffRoad]

I'd cemented this idea that if I wasn't helpful/useful/needed that I wasn't of any value to other people.

Good insights. This is one that a lot of people have trouble with. Often, people grow up in dysfunctional families where one person takes on the caretaker role because that is how they received value messages from one parent or another.

[misuniadziubek]

I'd cemented this idea that if I wasn't helpful/useful/needed that I wasn't of any value to other people.

Good insights. This is one that a lot of people have trouble with. Often, people grow up in dysfunctional families where one person takes on the caretaker role because that is how they received value messages from one parent or another.

This is exactly it. It took a moment of very powerful mindful observation for me to realise that those were my thoughts, as irrational as I realised this idea is. I have no doubt in my mind that this came from my upbringing because firstly, I had a mother with a lot of undeveloped narcissism who always put the burden on me for doing everything from the simplest to most complicated things. I received the greatest praise for taking care of my younger mentally disabled brother. I always heard her tell people about how useful I was, smart, resourceful and so on, but only in the context of helping her. If I did things that benefited myself and contributed to my own growth, I was being selfish and unwilling to help the only mother I had. This especially applied to my social development. If I was out with friends, then I was not helping out at home and thinking only of myself.

Ikes. That is absolutely terrible. I was praised for being a loner and not having friends and spending time at home.

[Olinda]

Great insight, helps me too. Thanks for sharing and I will be pondering the truth/falsehood of my own worth being linked to how much I help my fiancee.

Thank you.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi misuniadziubek,  

There is a great deal of self-awareness on your part.    

These are insightful questions that most of us have thought many times and really never fully answered.

The question to ask then is what are you avoiding and trying to overcompensate for? What emotions are behind the need to fix things, to feel needed, taking responsibility for other people?

The core of my need to constantly help/people please was to "ensure" that I will not be abandoned or ignored.

I learned that putting your needs first is selfish and inconsiderate.  

Most of my helper/fixer traits were based off of fear. I was afraid of making someone angry or upset.  Also, I was afraid of someone abandoning me or leaving me.

I still am working on my abandonment fears. I associate someone leaving me with my own self-worth and self-esteem. If someone rejects or leaves me, I feel completely unlovable, and unworthy.  

My relationship with my bf really helped me identify and work on many of my helper/caretaker/fixer/rescuer/codependent traits.  

I found working on my helper/caretaker/fixer/rescuer/codependent traits is almost like I am  going through Kubler-Ross's stages of grieving.

At first, I was in denial that I had a problem. That was really tough to admit because, I tended to blame my bf's behavior for making the relationship difficult.

Then I fluctuated between anger, depression, and bargaining. Although, I have reached acceptance with certain things, I am not fully there.  

[ColdEthyl]

All I ever wanted my whole life is one person.

One person to love me, one person to care.

I ended up wanting to believe every honeyed word a man spoke to me. As you can imagine, my dBPDh has the most honeyed mouth of them all. But, by going through this r/s with him, it forced me to look at myself, to REALLY look at myself. I had no idea I was co-dependent until I started going through the BPD stuff and realizing I'm exactly the kind of person who gets sucked into these r/s.

The difference now is I'm not trying to fix him anymore, I am trying to fix ME. I spent my whole life trying to support others, to help others... .to fix others because I wanted them to do the same for me.

misuniadziubek, thank you for posting this. It's very insightful, and helps me focus on my goals I think I might print this and read it when things get rough to help be stay balanced and mindful