Truly pathetic emails from uBPD ex

[Penumbra66]

Quick background for those unfamiliar with my story:

My UBPD ex left me for her married Philosophy instructor after forming a "friendship" with him after she took his class. She was an addict in recovery until their very first date, where they both used drugs, leading to her immediate relapse and heavy daily drug and alcohol use. What followed was a four or five week off and on affair, recycling me almost weekly, while promising me that she wanted to repair our relationship. The final discard happened when I saw messages between the two of them. When I asked her who she was with, she immediately said "him." Apparently, she was only waiting for him to leave his wife, which he apparently did.

Like almost all of us here, I was completely be Willder by her ability to begin a new relationship while seeing me. She was a quiet borderline waif, and seldom raged. Even after dumping me, she still claimed that she loved me, would always love me, considered me her best friend, soulmate, and other typical borderline madness. I became almost catatoncaly depressed for several months, resigned my job, and spent several weeks in a daily outpatient therapy program. It was the typical situation of words not matching actions.

I broke NC several times after the break up, but have been NC for about six months now.

In December, I went completely dark on Facebook. Even months after I defriended and blocked her, I still had a few photos for the public, which apparently she was viewing. The day after everything was made private, she sent me an email from the only email/contact I hadn't blocked and asked me to consider making some of my photos viewable to the public, because she "appreciated" being able to see how I was doing. It was a very short message, and I never replied. It did, however, confirm that she was keeping an eye on me.

About three weeks later, she sent a fairly eloquent apology to my OK Cupid account, which is where we met. I assume she emailed me there, as she knew I had blocked her everywhere else. She Deactivated her account almost immediately after that email, which leads me to believe she is still with replacement. I posted that message here, because it was a huge trigger for me, and set me back quite a bit in my recovery. I never responded. Three weeks later, I could see that she again visited my profile on OKC, but by the time I noticed, she had already deactivated, possibly even deleted, her account.

One of the things that another member here mentioned was that she was really communicating with her "ghosts," which resonated deeply with me. She wrote about her shame and sorrow for what she had done, adding that her bad behavior toward me added to her "darkness," which she carried "everywhere." Perhaps it was an attempt to recycle, but to me, it seemed more like in expression of regret and sadness, rather than testing our attachment. Again, I did not respond.

Last night, I received two emails just a minute or two apart. She emailed from the one account that I never got around to blocking, although I assume she thinks she is blocked everywhere.

The first email said "I miss you so much." The second one said "will you ever see me again?" I have no intent to respond.

It's strange, because, while her other messages – especially the apology – hurt me deeply (how dare she believe a short written apology is sufficient), the messages from last night just made me feel vaguely sad. I have a feeling that sending them was an acknowledgment to herself that our relationship was over forever. I really don't think she believed I would ever even see them, since she knows she's blocked everywhere.

Messages to her ghosts. It felt like intercepting a letter to be left on a tombstone.

I wanted to post this here because, like many of you, I was convinced that my ex rarely thinks about me. That thought--being discarded and forgotten – – was something that had continued to hurt me. But I do think, at least last night, that she was feeling genuine sorrow. If she wanted to be certain to reach me, she probably would have written me on OKC, because she has always deactivated her account there before I could block her. Or, she would have created a new email to send it from.

I may have been more important to her than I thought. You may have been more important to them than you thought. While it certainly doesn't even begin to make amends for her transgressions, knowing that she has at least "some" sadness and regret nine months after leaving me gives some slight solace. I think it also addresses the notion of borderlines grieving in reverse.

I felt a need to share because, for the very first time, I feel some sense of forgiveness. I never before thought that possible.

Peace to all of you.

[Penumbra66]

Coincidentally, before I received those emails, I found an article on the website below that helped me more than anything else I've read recently. It explains how borderlines experience relationships, which helped me better understand her unpredictable, crazy-making, destructive behavior.

www.echo.me.uk/BPD2.htm

[Infern0]

I certainly understand your frustrations.  In particular the part about words not matching actions. The worst part of all of this BPD oddesy for me was the push/pull madness after she just left me out of the blue and then would call me telling me she still loved me and left because she'd got scared. I spent HOURS trying to talk sense into her and it felt like I was getting through.  Then she'd say I need to think about it.  I spent about 2 weeks going through this with her telling me she loved and missed me but  "didn't know what she wanted"

It was without doubt the worst two weeks of my life and drove me to the verge of madness.  It was psychological torture.

Anyway I think it's important to understand that as much as we want them to make sense,  they just can't.  They themselves don't understand why they say and do what they do and if we try to apply our sane, logical brains to figuring out their madness we end up going into a state somewhat like them.

They are nuts,  that's all there is to it.

[Penumbra66]

I certainly understand your frustrations.  In particular the part about words not matching actions. The worst part of all of this BPD oddesy for me was the push/pull madness after she just left me out of the blue and then would call me telling me she still loved me and left because she'd got scared. I spent HOURS trying to talk sense into her and it felt like I was getting through.  Then she'd say I need to think about it.  I spent about 2 weeks going through this with her telling me she loved and missed me but  "didn't know what she wanted"

It was without doubt the worst two weeks of my life and drove me to the verge of madness.  It was psychological torture.

Anyway I think it's important to understand that as much as we want them to make sense,  they just can't.  They themselves don't understand why they say and do what they do and if we try to apply our sane, logical brains to figuring out their madness we end up going into a state somewhat like them.

They are nuts,  that's all there is to it.

Yes, the old "I love you, I miss you, I just don't know what I want," while they post pictures of them with the replacement on Facebook.

Nuts, indeed.

Even though most os us around here have given up on ever making sense of things, the page I linked to helped me. I think it's the first time everything I know about BPD behaviors really "clicked."

[Infern0]

I certainly understand your frustrations.  In particular the part about words not matching actions. The worst part of all of this BPD oddesy for me was the push/pull madness after she just left me out of the blue and then would call me telling me she still loved me and left because she'd got scared. I spent HOURS trying to talk sense into her and it felt like I was getting through.  Then she'd say I need to think about it.  I spent about 2 weeks going through this with her telling me she loved and missed me but  "didn't know what she wanted"

It was without doubt the worst two weeks of my life and drove me to the verge of madness.  It was psychological torture.

Anyway I think it's important to understand that as much as we want them to make sense,  they just can't.  They themselves don't understand why they say and do what they do and if we try to apply our sane, logical brains to figuring out their madness we end up going into a state somewhat like them.

They are nuts,  that's all there is to it.

Yes, the old "I love you, I miss you, I just don't know what I want," while they post pictures of them with the replacement on Facebook.

Nuts, indeed.

Even though most os us around here have given up on ever making sense of things, the page I linked to helped me. I think it's the first time everything I know about BPD behaviors really "clicked."

Yeah that's basically exactly what she did to me.  My brain struggled to make sense of it for a while and then I had a complete nervous breakdown and spent about 6 weeks in some dissociated,  braindead zombie state.

Anyway at some point it comes a time to let it go. I know so much about BPD now and I can't do anything about it in my BPD ex,  so I'm done trying  :-)