Caretaker issues with uBPD Mom

[todayistheday]

I haven't posted in a while.  Things in the present are fairly neutrual.

I am the scapegoat child of uBPD Mom and Dad who is totally controlled by her, almost 60 years of a miserable marriage for him. 

Extra-enmeshed golden child sister lives next door to parents.  Mom and Dad have babysat and done things for her kids the past 23 years (age of sister's oldest child).  When Sister bought this house, she said "because I'll have to take care of them when they get sick". DH and I had a good laugh over that statement. 


Growing up, I got the brunt of her rages.  Now that I am away, my sweet Dad gets them.

Several years ago, my Dad had back surgery.  I came to their place to help HIM the day before the surgery.  He was sending me heartbreaking emails before the surgery. He was paralyzed due to his back problem.  The surgery healed him and he's fine now.  In these emails, she was being abusive to him, getting mad at him for being sick and an inconvenience to her.  Due to the emails, I came a few days earlier to "referee" and try to deflect some of it.  To take care of him so that she wouldn't have to abuse him over it. Something a child should never have to do is referee their parents, even a 50 year old child.

I ended up staying at my parents for 10 days.  Dad had to be put in rehab after the hospital, I had to help figure out everything to do and to keep Mom's emotions in check.  She thanked me for helping her.  Which was not what I was doing.  I was here for Dad.  As a matter of fact, my Golden Child sister left town on a pleasure trip the morning of Dad's surgery while I was away from my home and job and sitting in waiting room at the hospital.


Now it's my Mom's turn.  She had outpatient knee surgery a couple days ago.  I took off work and came to be with them (I'm here now.)  I've been waiting on her because she expresses dispelasure at everything my Dad does.  I only got here around 8pm the night before her 6am appointment.  She was pretty moody.  Now after the surgery, I've been doing lots of stuff, bringing her and Dad food, keeping up with her medication schedule, etc.  She, the crazy monster who everyone is afraid of has actually been a decent patient and very gracious.  She is determined to get better.  The pain was too bad for her today.

My sister is in town and did actually take the day of her surgery off and meet us at the surgical center. (She couldn't drag herself out of bed early enough to go with us.)  She went and got the medications and supplies Mom needed while we came to their house and got her into the bed.  She's been visiting since.   She is off work for the holiday tomorrow and I need to go home.  So she and my Dad can figure out what to do starting then. 

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The point:

Maybe she's acting decent since the surgery because she actually is in the compromised position and feels afraid because she has to give up control for a few days?  Perhaps it's the drugs (pain meds)?  Being the center of attention is suppressing the "fear of abandonment".   (She knows I leave tomorrow).


Again, I'm doing it for my Dad.  I'm questioning if I would do this if she outlives my Dad and it was after he was gone.  I mostly think I would not.

[Kwamina]

Hi todayistheday,

Welcome back

I am sorry you've had all these unpleasant experiences with your mother. She's been acting 'decent' since her surgery. Has she also been treating your father correctly?

Maybe she's acting decent since the surgery because she actually is in the compromised position and feels afraid because she has to give up control for a few days?  Perhaps it's the drugs (pain meds)?  Being the center of attention is suppressing the "fear of abandonment".   (She knows I leave tomorrow).


Again, I'm doing it for my Dad.  I'm questioning if I would do this if she outlives my Dad and it was after he was gone.  I mostly think I would not.

I understand why you are asking yourself this question. Being treated as the scapegoat child isn't easy to deal with. I can imagine that knowing that after you left she started taking her rage and frustration out on your dad, also makes it harder for you to want to help her. Perhaps it is best for you to just take it one day at a time, you've managed to deal with this current 'crisis' and that's enough for now. Whatever happens in the future, you can deal with then. You already have enough on your plate in the present