What else should I work on?

[Michelle27]

I've worked hard on detaching and setting boundaries over the past year or so.  I don't have lots of boundaries but one was most important to me and in non-dysregulated moments, my husband was fully on board with it.  After 9 years of rages in which dozens of times I had to flee our home, and the "walking on eggshells" and low grade anxiety all the time waiting for the next one, my boundary was that while he's working on getting therapy himself, when he slides down that slippery slope into a rage, HE will leave the house.  With understanding friends, we had a place for him to go any time of day or night and even had back up plans.  In his calm moments, he was actually happy to do this to help me with my PTSD type symptoms and I looked forward to my home beginning to feel like a safe place for me.  But nope, he isn't able to see the signs of a rage soon enough and even direct requests to leave 3 times with a refusal happened this past weekend and so I had to leave for the night.  The next morning, we talked and knowing my boundary (and he knowing the consequences), he packed up and moved into our friend's house. 

We talked yesterday and he acknowledged that he needs to see the rising rage before it hits critical (he describes it like a freight train taking him out of control and he's actually unaware of how bad it is until after it's over).  I told him that we simply cannot live in the same house until he can see those signs himself AND I have time to heal and allow my own anxiety over when the next rage is going to hit to subside enough to be more open and vulnerable with him, which is the only way I can see being in a healthy relationship.  In the meantime, we're going to communicate, meet and even "date" to try to start over with healthy relationship boundaries.  While we're doing this, I know I need to focus on me and work on my own stuff.  Here's what I think:

1.  Continue eating healthy, exercising regularly and ensuring I get enough sleep.

2.  Socialize with friends who are supportive.  Lean on them if needed.

3.  Continue reading and learning about BPD and my own role.

4.  Perhaps find a new hobby or something to focus on to help my own self esteem grow.

Anything else I need to work on?

[vortex of confusion]

One thing that I didn't see specified on your list is RELAX. I know, easier said than done. I was thinking to take some time each day to just relax whether it be in prayer or meditation or something else. I find that a lot of times, I go through the day not realizing how much stress I am carrying in my body. I'll lay down and focus on breathing and relaxing it. My body will tense up a lot and I don't even notice it until I stop for a minute and try to just relax.

[billypilgrim]

I think that is a great list to start off with.  The only thing that I can think of, and you could probably lump this into the "my own role" item, is learning about yourself and what makes you tick.  I've been on this site since November and without blatantly overgeneralizing the entire community of us nons, it does seem like the lot of us don't really know ourselves all that well.  And those of us that don't, we certainly don't know how to listen and care for our own needs.   It seems like it sort of just happens as a result of FOO issues or just learning to put our SOs before us.  If you fall into that category, I know I do, I would try to really figure out what makes you tick.  And this is easier said than done but I guess it begins with asking yourself things like "what do I want to do?" or "where do I want to go?" or "how do I feel about x issue?"  And then try to figure out how to go about getting what you want done.  

And I'm not suggesting you need it, but have you seen a therapist or have you considered it?  :)ealing with pwBPD is taxing and can be traumatic.  You mentioned waiting for the other shoe to drop and PTSD symptoms, might be worth scheduling an appointment with a T to help you sort those issues out.  Taking care of yourself is the most important thing you can do right now.

[Michelle27]

You're right.  Relax.  I need to do that too.  Funny you say that too.  I thought this was going to be a possibility at some point and I expected to be sad when it did.  But no, the first thing I felt was that my home was truly safe for the first time in most of a decade.  And the 2nd was that I was proud of myself for standing up for what I believed in and enforcing the consequence.  3rd on the list was a bit sad that it had gotten to this point.

I have been in therapy since late November and had my last session last week.  I'm only allowed a certain number of sessions.  In those, I worked out my own lack of boundaries and talked through what was important to me.  The therapist did question whether I would actually follow through, and I am happy that I did.  Incidentally, I know that I didn't word it properly in my first post but my boundary wasn't a rule like it sounded like, but a way to protect me and build on my home being a safe place.  It sounded much better than when I worded it up there (which I know sounded like a rule for him).  It was that in order for my home to become the emotionally safe place it should be for me, anyone who is raging must leave.  And he was fully on board (still is... .he feels terrible for not following through with the plan the other day, which I validated but with understanding that I know he wants to but just doesn't have the insight or tools to see when it's happening yet).