Questioning why I'm still here.

[Ceruleanblue]

I guess this is mostly a vent. I'm so sick, scared and sad. I had been in such a good place, and was doing so much better, but moving really knocked my legs out from under me. My BPDh in in therapy three times a week(DBT, he kept his original "therapist", and MC). He seems to not get much out of any of them, and in fact acts quite mad after the DBT, and his personal session. I've felt for years that his personal T is almost an enabler. He only got recommended to DBT due to his psychiatrist, who also recommended he get a new personal T, which BPDh ignored.

The other night, BPDh got upset at me over my asking about a picture frame. Seriously, I can't make this stuff up, it's so crazy. Now tonight, after personal T, he was quite angry at me, blaming me, and so I left the room. Walking away is best I feel. Well, he called me back out in the room, said "we were not done talking", and handed my son's picture to me, and told me to "PUT IT AWAY". In an angry voice. I'd already taken down the two other pictures at his demand, but this is my last picture up of my son, and it was at my BPDh's demands why we moved away, leaving my son to finish out high school in my hometown with my folks.

I'm grieving over this, trying to find my balance again, and BPDh it feels like, wants to kick me when I'm down. He is now openly hating on my son that he lived with for four years. It was always rocky, and I have to admit, that while my son can be a typical mouthy teen, it is clearly BPDh's misplaced anger and blame. He's done this with people his entire life. He always has a "target". I've met all BPDh's "demands", done all he asked of me, and he's still not happy. He's miserable, and there is always some new hoop to jump through.

I've told him I'm grieving not seeing my son daily, and could use some understanding and compassion. He blows up. All this started my having a panic attack, and I took one of my pills(I try not to take them often), and I asked him to hold me, and he scoffed at me, and told me no, over and over. I tried again later, only to be told "no" again. He seems heartless, and seems to lack all compassion and soul. It feels like he won't quit punishing me, and taking the last thing that means something to me away: my son's picture. ONE picture. I'm seriously beginning to wonder if he's sociopathic, and not just BPD.

I moved with BPDh, and my son has always supported our marriage, but BPDh has it in for him. I've noticed my husband do this with others too. Heck, he does it with me! He gets this cold hatred that comes over him, and he can be quite scary. I even felt it was unsafe to have my son move here with us, because my BPDh has escalated so badly. At this point, DBT doesn't seem to be helping. For a week or so, he was talking about "not judging and blaming", but now he's right back at it.

He wants things to be "fair", but he's the most unfair person I've ever known. How do I deal with the picture thing? It means a LOT to me right now, and I'm sick of being dictated to. I'm sick, sick, sick of doing ALL the compromising, getting zero credit, and I can't expect ANYTHING from him. He won't even hold me when I feel like I'm falling apart, and just need some comfort?

I want to stay, but things are still all about HIM, His kids, and I'm still his blame target, and he mostly ignores me. He says I'm "pushing him away", but it's actually HIM doing that to me. He started doing it as soon as his kids defected when we reconciled. His son is fine with us, but his daughters won't stop until we are divorced, or one of us is certifiably crazy. We had MC, and came up with a "plan", but now BPDh has switched focus off that, and is taking his personal anger and vendetta out on me by using my son's picture to wound me.

How is an effective way to deal with this? I'm really struggling with this one.  My son's picture is now in a drawer, and I'm heartsick, and feeling hopeless. He said I can have it on my bedside table(how dare he say what I can and can't do... .I've let him do far too much of this), but he's clearly super angry about it, and according to DBT therapist his this weeks goal was sex(which he's been withholding). Now, I'm a little creeped out, and I'm sure BPDh will use the picture being there as an excuse to not have sex. Why are so many things a no win situation? I moved away from all I knew, put faith that BPDh was in DBT finally, and now he's worse than ever. I feel as if I'm going crazy, and I'd vowed never to get his low over his dysregulation and blame again.

Help, please.

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[vortex of confusion]

   

I don't know if I have any words of wisdom. I do want to offer you a couple of virtual hugs.

How long has he been doing DBT? I have heard that things sometimes get a lot worse before they get better.

Also, I know that any kind of change, even a positive one, can send them into a tizzy. How long have you been in the new place?

Do you have a big body pillow? I ask because there have been nights when I have wanted my husband to hold me or comfort me and he wasn't available for one reason or another, usually because he was too tired or didn't want to be bothered. I laid down on the couch or some place private and made myself a pillow fort and hugged my body pillow and buried my face in it and cried. It isn't the same as a person but it helps.

[Ceruleanblue]

Oh, and I forgot to mention that he also gets set off if I even mention my son. He constantly asks who I'm texting, and I don't even text that much with my son. I'm not allowed to ask BPDh that though out of normal curiosity, but he is. My life it full of these double standards.  I'd often ask after he started a new job, because I was trying to learn his coworkers names, and he made it into me being "nosy, or trying to control him". It's craziness.

I don't want to become resentful towards BPDh, but this picture issue is a doozie for me. I once tried to hang pictures of his kids, after all his complaining, and he physically attacked me. I don't want pictures of his three daughters up, because they've spread lies, say I'm unfit to be around their kids, and seeing their faces makes me feel panicked, and sick. It's that simple. I'm not trying to be unfair, and I wish I didn't feel/react this way, but I do, and mostly it's because I've done all I know to do, and BPDh still blames me. And to "get even", I'm now not allowed one picture up of my son?

BPDh could put a picture up on his son, who we've had zero issues with, but he chooses not to do so. It just feels like everything is a game to him. It's like he needs me to vent on, or hurt, and then HE feels better. The problem is, I'm really not able to be hurt by him anymore the way I used to be, so he's escalated his behaviors, and now they are becoming outrageous: withholding sex, silent treatment, flirting with my daughter, constant blame and negativity, and just leaving without saying where he is going, after he picks a fight.

Someone give me a plan of action. I need a plan, because I'm so stressed, my own brain isn't working too well right now.

[Ceruleanblue]

Vortex of Confusion: We've been here now two weeks. He also said tonight that my son didn't tell me to move with BPDh to be "noble", and he's blowing smoke up my butt, that my son just wanted his freedom. My BPDh judges everyone. My son hardly has "freedom" as he'd living with my folks, who are stricter than I was, and he is struggling with all this too, but he's a good kid.

I like the body pillow idea. My daughter has one, I'll have to look it up, or go buy one. We'd made an agreement when we reconciled that no matter how upset we were, we'd lay and hold each other. That never happened, even though I've repeatedly asked. He just shuts down, even after being terrible cruel to me. He can say the cruelest things, but he'll take innocent things I say, and twist them. I see why they call it "gaslighting, and it does feel like you are going crazy. I keep reminding myself that I'm not.

I'm expected to be so compassionate to him, his angry, dysfunctional(likely PD) kids, but when I'm hurting, I'm alone. I'm not blaming him, even though I do feel he put me in a position to make me choose: stay and live with my son and end up divorced, or move with him to work on our marriage. Either choice was a bad choice for me. I'm not blaming him, and I repeatedly tell him that, but he keeps saying I am. I can't convince him, and it's making me sick because he did actually make me make a choice, while he always accuses me of making HIM choose, but I never have. I want peace with his kids, yet they won't even be around me.

What a hornet's nest this all is, and I feel he's acting out on ME because he's hurting over his grown girls. He's also way weird with my daughter who is 19. He wants her admiration and attention, but he ignores me all the time. Are these typical BPD traits, or could he be having other issues. He's highly NPD too. Truly selfish, and way narcissistic, and he lacks all empathy and compassion unless it concerns HIM, or his kids. And he's actually closer, chases after the ONE child of his that he adopted, and he's the same weird way with MY daughter.

I want this to work, but DBT, which I'd thought would be a lifeline, and possible answer for us, is proving to be a nightmare. He's maxed out on his antidepressant I think, and I'd had hopes that would make him some happier, and give him slight more control on his anger, but no luck yet, and he's been taking it for about five weeks.

I don't know how many more bad days like this I can take. The attacks and blame just come out of the blue. I'd love if he could look for the good we have, instead of always looking for bad, even when it's not there. I'm so tired of having him interpret what I think and feel... .and he's always wrong, and puts such a negative spin on it. I'm the only authority on ME, but ask him... .and he'll tell you just how awful I am.

[Ceruleanblue]

Oh, and tonight when he just barged out without explanation, he headed to the bar. I feel he's starting to self medicate with alcohol. Always mixed drinks, never just beer. It feels like he's on a downward spiral, and all I can do is watch, and he's got me painted black.

He's done this before, but come back around. Is it likely he'll level out again, or am I probably looking at him leaving again(or this time throwing me out), or is it likely because the DBT is setting off these reactions in him? He's only on week three or four. I wish I knew more about DBT. I'm having trouble thinking the DBT therapist assigned him to "have sex" with me? I'd thought DBT was about HIM, and his behaviors? Seems they focus so much on his relationships with his girls or me. Isn't he supposed to be learning coping behaviors, and learning new skills? Ugh!