Mother with BPD traits

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I am in my mid fifties.  I recently returned from a visit with my mother who I now believe has BPD.  She lives alone in the home I lived in during my teenage years with her and my two siblings. It is more then 5 hours drive from where I live now.  I had planned to spend a week but I left a few days earlier than I planned after we had a fight.  When I visit I am often on edge, I don't like the person I become when I am around her for too long. I am generally an easy going person but after a while I just can't tolerate the way she treats me and I don't know what to do differently so that it doesn't happen.  As I drove home I felt sad but also relieved.  I am new to being on a forum so I think this is all I will say for now. Thank you.

[create]

I am in my mid fifties.  I recently returned from a visit with my mother who I now believe has BPD.  She lives alone in the home I lived in during my teenage years with her and my two siblings. It is more then 5 hours drive from where I live now.  I had planned to spend a week but I left a few days earlier than I planned after we had a fight.  When I visit I am often on edge, I don't like the person I become when I am around her for too long. I am generally an easy going person but after a while I just can't tolerate the way she treats me and I don't know what to do differently so that it doesn't happen.  As I drove home I felt sad but also relieved.  I am new to being on a forum so I think this is all I will say for now. Thank you.

[Kwamina]

Hi create

Thanks for posting this introduction and welcome to our online community

BPD can be quite a challenging disorder. I am sorry that you believe your mother has BPD. I am glad you are reaching out for support here. Many of us know what it's like to have a parent with BPD.

When you have the time I'm interested in reading more of your story, like what are the behaviors of your mother that lead you to believe she has BPD? What are the things in her behavior that keep you on edge and/or that you find difficult to tolerate?

Take care

[P.F.Change]

Hi there, create! I would like to echo Kwamina's welcome. 

My mother has BPD also, and I can definitely understand how you're feeling about being around your mother for too long. It is ok to feel that way and more than ok that you are taking steps to look after yourself. It's really important to acknowledge and honor your own feelings and boundaries. It's actually healthy that you don't want to tolerate being treated inappropriately. You don't cause your mother's behavior and you can't control how she acts, so the only thing to do is take control of your own behavior. It sounds like you are on that path.

There are hundreds of members here who understand what it is like having a BPD parent. We also have a wealth of resources to help in learning boundaries and self-care as well as understanding our parents' behaviors. You may have noticed the Survivor's Guide over in the right-hand margin that can help give us a framework for the recovery process. I hope to hear more from you!

Wishing you peace,

PF

[create]

Thank you P.f. Change and Kwamina for the welcome.  It is good to know there are others who understand what I am going through. I have friends and my husband to talk to but I am not sure they really understand.  My husband has little contact with my mother (he has referred to her as "the mother-in-law from hell" So he gets that she is difficult but I don't think he gets why I put up with it.

I will try to say more about why I think she has BPD but as I have said I am new to this. It is very difficult for me to talk about.  I am not sure where to begin.  First, I will say a little more about the general family situation growing up and then I will say more about the reasons I think she has BPD.  Our family growing up consisted of my mother, myself, and my two brothers - one a little older and one a little younger,  My parents were divorced when my mother was five months pregnant with my younger brother. I was 1.5 yrs old and my older brother was 2.5 yrs old.  My father married his girlfriend shortly after the divorce.  About a year and a half after the divorce we moved 1600 miles away from my father to the town my parents grew up in. (I didn't see my father again for 7 years)  So, things were not easy for my mother.  I recognize that.  I cannot imagine being a single parent to three very young children with very little support - financial or otherwise.  I think my mother did a pretty good job under the circumstances. 

So her life was not easy - the thing is - she would remind us of that on a regular basis some how implying 1) it was our fault and 2) we all owed her for the rest of he life because she didn't abandon us or give us up for adoption. I believed this for a long time.    I think there was a fear that if we made things too difficult we might get sent off somewhere.  I was a very well behaved little girl.

Okay, now for some of the behaviors. For one thing she is super critical of almost everything I try to do for her.  When I go to visit, I know she would like for me to do things for her around the house and I am generally pretty good at the sorts of things she needs done.  If I were home I would just do them and it would be no big deal.  When I am at here house she has to supervise everything and if I have a different idea she stars calling me names (know-it-all or stupid) that sort of thing or she gets frustrated and just does it herself. e.g.  She has back pain that is severe enough that she qualifies for a handicapped parking sticker and takes pain medication regularly, I offered to take  a large bag of garbage out to the alley, it had rained so she asked if I had boots to wear I said no I had sneakers and they would work fine.  She wanted me to wear a pair of her boots.  When I didn't agree immediatly  she said "oh, never mind" and did it herself.  As I am writing this it sounds trivial but this happens with almost everything - washing her car, mowing the lawn, hanging a picture.  I start to feel like it is a wonder at all that I made to my fifties without her to tell me what to do every step of the way.  She is also critical of me in general. When I am around her for too long I start to feel like I am lazy, selfish and incompetent. She is also critical of my brothers but usually there is at least one of us that is the "good" child. Who the "good" child is varies.

I also don't talk to her much about my life.  My life is pretty good. I have a loving husband and son and many friends, I am involved in my community, am pretty healthy and have creative outlets. There are ups and downs of course but it is mostly good. She is not happy for me when my life is going well.  It is as if she is jealous. Sometimes she will turn what I think of as a positive into a negative. So conversations with her are usually pretty superficial.

The other issue that has been going on the last few years is that she has had a series of somewhat serious medical issues. There were a few times she needed surgery that would necessitate someone being with her during recovery.  I wanted to be there for her.  The thing was she would have surgery and be sent home with instructions from the doctor and/or nurse and she would refuse to do what she was supposed to do. Like not lifting things. And sometimes it seemed to me that my being there made it more likely that she would do these things that were harmful to her.  She would get angry at me  and argue with me about what the doctor said.  So here I was trying to be there for her to be helpful and I would feel like I was only making things worse.  So the most recent fight appeared to be related to her health. We were talking about her health and I was trying to get some clarification on whether or not she has a heart problem and she is saying she really doesn't want to talk about it which I understand but when I try to to tell her that the reason I am asking is because I am concerned and care about her she responds by saying things like "if that's how you show you care than I would rather you didn't care" or "I don't need that kind of care".  Now we are both hurt and getting emotional and yelling at each other and then she insults me some more.  (I do not react this way with any one else in any other situation) I ask her why she feels the need to insult me and that maybe I should leave. and she says yes you should leave - I wish you would leave.  So I calm down a little and ask her again if she really wants me to leave and she says yes.  So I decide to pack up and leave. Before I left I wrote her a note and put it on the table in front of her.  Without reading it she crumpled it up and gave it back to me.  I uncrumpled it and put it back  on the table.  I don't know if she read it or not.  That was a little over a week ago and I have not heard from her and I have not called her.

I think I have said enough for now.

Thanks for being there.

c

[P.F.Change]

When I am around her for too long I start to feel like I am lazy, selfish and incompetent.

Do you see yourself this way at other times, or just when your mother is treating you poorly? Do you ever ask her to stop when she insults you? This workshop was really helpful for me in starting to identify and take care of my personal boundaries: Getting Our Boundaries and Values in Order Maybe it will help you, too.

My mother is very critical of others, also, especially me. One day I realized that she would intentionally say something in order to get a reaction out of me--before I learned to step out of the cycle of conflict, I would reach my limit of niceness and yell or say something mean, and then she would cry and feel like a victim. Once I saw what was going on, it made it much easier just to decide not to play along. This workshop explains that kind of dynamic really well: Conflict dynamics: Karmpan Triangle. Your mother's criticism seems to have more to do with her own emotional troubles than it does with your personality traits. What would it be like to decide you will not absorb her comments into your personal belief system? Either let them roll off, or leave so you don't have to hear any more of them? In my case that has been a really helpful decision to make. My mother is unhappy no matter what I do or don't do, so I no longer worry what she thinks.

Have you ever considered talking with a therapist, create? It can be really helpful to have some professional support as well.

PF